Paradise Lost
by madame.alexandra
Summary: Lily Evans's seventh year. Head girl. And sure, Potter as head boy was a drawback, but she could get over that. She had everything going for her--until someone ripped it all away. JL Angst--WARNING: Rape. COMPLETE.
1. Utopia

**A/N: **This is a re-vamped version of a story I had started on her a few years ago which I deleted in order to fix up a bit. Lily/James, Angst'Romance.

Also, I realize that chronoligically, Andromeda Black was probably older than James and Lily, but for story purposes (and just plain fun) I messed with that. Eh.

**Disclaimer: **All belongs to the lovely J.K. Rowling--except for Susanna and Sasha.

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**Chapter One:  
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Eleven o'clock sharp on September first and the deep scarlet Hogwarts Express was pulling out of King's Cross station, embarking on its annual task of ferrying young witches and wizards to school. The train slowly picked up speed, steam billowing from its smokestack. Outside of the glass compartments windows, one could see parents waving goodbye to their offspring, shouting last minute orders and reminders that were heartily ignored with a flippant wave from the student. Younger children ran alone the platform, chasing the train, laughing or crying as they watched their siblings disappear. In one of the many compartments that lined the halls of the grand train, a group of seventh year girls sat, laughing and chattering about the summer holidays.

"No—I had the worst summer of my life—it is NOT funny Sasha!—my bitch of a sister got married and all I hear all summer is-"

"Bellatrix got married?" Susanna Farris interrupted with a shriek, looking as if she would burst with laughter. Andromeda Black rolled her eyes and kicked her foot across the compartment at Susanna, mock annoyed a having been interrupted.

"No, you idiot, Narcissa—anyway, so all I hear from the entire _bloody_ family is how _lovely_ Narcissa is and what a positive _delight_ it was to have her married so well and isn't it _wonderful_ how she's made the family so _proud…_ugh, I'm sick of the whole bloody lot of them, Sirius was worse though, he tried to set her on fire—"

Lily Evans gave a derisive snort, but joined in the laughter all the same. She looked around at her friends, feeling lighthearted and happy to be back with people like her again. Home, away from Hogwarts, with her parents, was more to her like a novelty these days, a place to visit that she easily got bored of and quickly found herself longing for the world where she didn't feel so different. It wasn't her parents who made her feel outcast; no, they were utterly supportive and wanted to hear all the details of what they considered her glamorous other life, but around the other people…old friends, neighbor, Petunia. Petunia was the worst of it, with her prim, self-righteous attitude and her refusal to acknowledge Lily as a sister…much as she loved her parents, that place wasn't home anymore.

"Oh _LILYYYYYY_ dearest come back to the real world!" Sasha Webber broke into her thoughts with her sing-song voice, waving her petite hand in Lily's face and smiling up at her from the floor of the compartment with sparkling blue eyes. Lily had no idea how she'd ended up on the floor, but there was Sasha for you, wild and excitable and probably one of the most friendly, carefree people on the planet. Her short brown ponytail bobbed in the air as she bounced onto the seat beside Lily and sprawled out with a giggle.

"Poor Andy, suffering through her perfect sissy's pureblood wedding and all the while dreaming of her secret romance with the muggle-born klutz—"

A shoe came hurtling across the compartment and both Lily and Sasha ducked, Sasha with another raucous shriek, avoiding Andromeda's dangerous heel.

"Ted is not a klutz!" defended Andromeda, barely able to keep an indignant face. Susanna snorted and rolled her eyes, reaching over to the seat beside her and picking up a chocolate frog.

"Andy, I know love is blind and all that mushy crap, but the boy trips over his own feet." Andromeda blushed and stuck her tongue out at Susanna, crossing her arms childishly and pouting.

"You're all just jealous of my handsome lover."

Sasha opened her mouth to fire back a witty retort but Lily slapped her hand over her friend's lips, suppressing a giggle. Sasha, in a fit of immaturity, licked the palm of Lily's hand and giggled madly when Lily jerked it away in disgust and shoved her off the seat back into the floor. Hmm, maybe stunts like this were why Sasha was _always_ ending up in the floor…

Andromeda stuck her shoeless foot out and wiggled her toes in Sasha's face. Susanna shot Lily a pointed look over the chocolate frog card she was examining and rolled her eyes with a smile. Lily shrugged. She and Susanna were the less wild of the four, Susanna being the sarcastic yet completely trustworthy one and Lily being the intelligent, well, goody-two-shoes. They balanced out Andromeda; who was blunt without being mean and devious to the whimsical degree, and Sasha; who was just all around bubbly and warmhearted and completely naive. Lily spent most of her time with Sasha and Susanna, as Andromeda was a Ravenclaw and therefore hard to hang out with during most of the school year. This year was going to be a change, though, and she was kind of sad that she wouldn't be up in the dormitory with her two friends and the other girls she'd been in close quarters with for six years now. But, there were the perks that came with that shiny new Head Girl badge.

"Hey! Earth to Lily! What is the deal today?" yelled Andromeda suddenly, having finished her confrontation with Sasha and putting her shoe back on.

"What?" Lily asked, realizing someone must have said something and she hadn't responded.

"I asked when you have to go do your Head Girl bossy pants instructional thing." Andromeda said, rolling her eyes. They were all used to Lily zoning off sometimes.

"Probably right about now." Lily replied unaffectedly, pushing her hair back and running her fingers through it. Andromeda gasped mockingly and clasped her hands to her chest.

"And you're still sitting here?" she put the back of her hand to her forehead and pretended to swoon into Susanna's lap. Susanna looked down at her and raised her eyebrow. "Oh, I'm shocked! Lily's going to be LATE!" cried Andromeda, fanning herself. Sasha giggled, and Susanna couldn't help but laugh at the melodrama.

"I'm not going to be late," Lily defended primly, sticking her nose in the air playfully as she stood up. Andromeda was right, she really should be going. She walked towards the compartment door, choosing to change into school attire after the meeting, and looked over her shoulder with a snobbish air. "The head girl is never late! Everyone else is simply early!" she left the compartment, hearing Sasha's giggles and Andromeda's groan as she walked down the hall.

A couple of fifth years called hello to her as she passed their compartment and she gave them a quick wave, making her way through the few people in the hallway who were still unsettled to the compartment at the front of the rain where she was to meet the prefects and give them their instructions. She slid open the compartment door swiftly, giving the inside a cursory glance. Everyone was about there, but she didn't care much for the prefects, even the new ones. She was more interested to know who her male counterpart was. The Head Boy. Her roommate in the head's dorm for the next seven months of her life. Professor Dumbledore had failed to inform her as to the identity of this person. Personally, she was hoping it would be Remus Lupin. He was easy to work with and definitely deserved it, but with a class so large and virtually anyone a possibility, she just hoped it wasn't a Slytherin.

She was about to enter the compartment when she heard a loud _whoop_! Behind her and someone slammed into her, causing her to stumbled forward ungracefully into the compartment and squeal in surprise.

"Ooops, sorry—LILY-GOAT!" roared James Potter, recognizing the person he'd just nearly trampled and beaming, throwing his arms around her in an exaggerated bear hug. Lily grunted in annoyance and shoved him away from her, immediately crossing her arms across her chest and giving him a look to kill.

"Oy! Prongs!" Sirius Black when racing by the open door and then skidded to a stop, backing up when he caught sight of his friend. He swaggered into the compartment, his elegant hair falling into his eyes effortlessly, and clapped James on the back, his permanent mischievous smile gleaming on his face.

"Well, hello, Evans! Knew you'd be head tight-arse—you know, Jamesie here was just looking for you, see, he has a bit of a problem in his pants—"

James turned around and thumped him on the head, and Lily groaned as she caught sight of the last two prefects coming up behind them and stopping in disbelief when they found their way blocked by the seventh years tussling in front of them. The others already in the cabin were either suppressing giggles or staring at the scene with interest. Lily suddenly felt like knocking her head repetitively against the window.

"Potter, it would absolutely thrill me to give you the first detention of the year." She said sarcastically, with a satirical smirk on her face, glaring at them both. James shoved Sirius backwards forcefully and turned to Lily with a winning smile, his eyes gleaming.

"You can't give _me_ detention." He said matter-of-factly, reaching into his jeans pocket suddenly. Lily rolled her eyes and dug her nails into her elbows, reminding herself mentally not to abuse her power, really not in the mood for whatever joke he was about to pull. Sirius started to snigger as he leaned against the compartment door. Lily gritted her teeth and was about to go off on him when he pulled his hand out of his pocket triumphantly and held it out to her. Sirius burst into peals of laughter at the look on her face when she saw the gleaming silver badge in his palm.

She absolutely did not believe her eyes. Skeptical and stunned, convinced someone was playing a truly horrific joke on her; she did the one thing that seemed natural in the situation. She accused Potter of theft.

"James Potter, who did you nick that badge from?" she demanded through gritted teeth, hoping with all her soul he'd stolen it. Even if it was from a Slytherin. James adopted an injured look and said indignantly:

"This badge was delivered to me by Hogwart's finest!" he informed her, trying to sound hurt. It didn't last long. He broke into a grin and waved the badge in front of her face, winking. "What d'ya say to that, Evans?" he asked, pushing past her and dropping down on a seat. He threw his arm around one of the fifth year girls, who immediately giggled and shot the other girls a gloating look. Lily continued to stare at the spot where he'd been. She marched forward, grabbed, Sirius Black by his collar, and shoved him out the door, slamming it in his face. She turned around to see James giving her an outraged look.

"Evans, that was immensely rude of you. If Padfoot loses his mental stability because you can't behave like a young lady, I'll just have to kiss you senseless." He said seriously.

She was going to murder him. She swallowed and again glared daggers at him before turning and facing the entire group. The sixth and seventh year prefects she knew from years before, and she had been acquainted with the two new Gryffindors, but the others were unknown to her.

"All right, I'll make this quick so you can get back to your friends and actually enjoy the ride, but just to inform you as to your official duties—"

"I love it when she talks bossy." James interrupted with a sickly sweet look on his face, glancing around at the other students to gauge their reaction. _Count to ten_. She turned slightly in his direction and succeeded in keeping her cool well, she thought.

"Will you pipe down you arrogant toerag?" she asked, in the same sweet voice he'd used.

"I like them feisty." He responded, reaching up to tousle his jet black hair. With all the will power in her, Lily turned back to the expectant prefects, her eyes glittering angrily.

"As prefects, you can't give detentions, but you are to report infractions to myself, a teacher or, unfortunately, the village idiot here." she said, gesturing to James, whose mouth dropped open in that familiar look of mock outrage. "Fifth years, you'll patrol the corridors until nine, sixth years until ten, and seventh years until eleven with Potter and I. When we get to the school, it is your job to round-up the first years and provide assistance for them as they find their ways to the dormitory. Does anyone have a question?"

James's hand immediately went up in the air, his face the picture of solemnity. Lily rolled her eyes and looked around at the others. One of the fifth year girls blew a bubble with her chewing gum and tossed her hair over her shoulder. A silver and green prefects badge glittered on her chest.

"Yeah, can we go?" she asked smartly, looking utterly bored and rather upset that she was taking orders from a Gryffindor—and a muggle born, no less.

"Excuse me, Miss Evans, I have a question!" yelled James as obnoxiously as possible. Lily felt herself almost snap, something she revealed in the volume of her answer.

"WHAT is it, POTTER?" she veritably yelled, turning on him ferociously. One of the more timid looking fifth year boys jumped.

"Will you go out with me?"

Lily glared at him for a split second before turning on her heel and storming out of the compartment, sliding the doors open just as forcefully as she'd closed them. Sirius was seated on the floor outside, and looked up in surprise as she stalked by.

The head's dorm. Seven months. James Potter. _I'd rather swallow the giant squid._ How was she supposed to keep from murdering him? How was she supposed to get any work done with the _adorable_ little marauders in and out of the dorm all day? Sirius with his stupid girls and James making his jokes and ogling her while she tried to do her homework. She groaned out loud as she arrived at her compartment and stumbled in, flopping down on the nearest seat—which put her splayed across Sasha's lap.

"That's my personal space!" protested Sasha, poking Lily in the back of the head.

"What's wrong with you?" Susanna asked, looking up from a magazine she'd been looking at with Andromeda. Andromeda fixed her cool blue eyes on Lily as well, and Sasha continued poking her scalp. Lily heaved herself up and pushed her hair back again.

"James Potter is Head Boy." She waited for the effect to sink in.

Andromeda's jaw fell open; Sasha gave an outright gasp of shock and starred at Lily as though she'd told her there were two-headed elephants driving the train. Susanna gave voice to the universal thoughts of them all.

"Has McGonagall lost her _fucking_ mind? James _Potter_? He's the—the school _delinquent_!"

"That is the understatement of the century!" moaned Lily, slumping down further. Andromeda clicked her tongue sympathetically; they all knew how far up the wall James drove Lily. Sasha glanced around at them all.

"Oh, come on, he's not _that_ bad! Really! I mean, yeah he's kind of…big-headed and retarded and…" she fumbled for a second. "Well, still! He's harmless. I'm sure he won't be that awful to live with." Lily dropped her arm from her hair and gave her friend an incredulous look.

"Excuse me, but are we talking about the same person?" she asked snappishly. Sasha looked at her sheepishly and shrugged her shoulders.

"It doesn't make any sense. Why'd he get the badge? You know, there's only one explanation for this. Even The old bat's in love with him." Andromeda said with finality, shaking her head. Lily giggled against her will and Susanna rolled her eyes with a smirk at Andromeda's jest.

"Sasha's right, you know." Susanna started, looking at Lily pointedly. "You'll have to make the best of it." Lily gave Susanna a glare, really hating her practicality right now. Susanna shrugged sympathetically.

"So…am I the only one who finds this immensely suspicious?" Lily asked half-heartedly. Sasha held up her hands as if caught in a criminal act and smiled.

"Hey, we're just as shocked as you are, sister!" she cried.

"Maybe he killed someone." Andromeda suggested, her eyes glinting with laughter. Lily could definitely see traces of her cousin in her when she got these sorts of jokes in her head. Susanna wacked Andromeda over the head in a rare fit of playfulness. Lily sighed and slowly got up, reaching into the overhead storage and jerking her school uniform out.

"It's getting dark out there. We'd better get dressed." She said. The other girls followed suit, Susanna remembering to latch the door before they stripped off their muggle attire and pulled on their skirts and robes. Lily was lacing up her shoes when the train whistled and lurched to a stop; Sasha's backpack tumbled out of the storage area and bounced off her head. Rubbing the place absently, Lily got up and opened the compartment, letting her friends go out before her with their things to find a carriage for them while she made sure the first years found Hagrid all right.

For the most part, the other prefects did their job, and she was nothing more than a sentry occasionally splitting up some rowdy second or third years or pointing a first year in the right direction. When she was sure she couldn't see anymore of the younger ones running about, she headed back to the compartment to get her things. She tossed her duffle bag over her shoulder and made her way out to the carriage Susanna and the others had secured for them.

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After the feast and the sorting, Lily sat in a chair in front of Professor McGonagall's wooden oak desk, leaning on the right arm rest to slant her body away from Potter, who had shamelessly scooted his chair over when he'd entered and sat down in front of the transfiguration teacher.

"It's an honor for both of the head's to be from my house, and I expect," she glanced severely at James when she said this, "the best behavior out of you. You set an example for the students of this school." Lily had to hold back the snort that threatened to come out of her. McGonagall looked piercingly at James, who flashed her a smile, for a moment longer before continuing.

"The head's dorm is on the fourth floor, behind the carved stone gargoyle with one eye. The password now is 'gillyflower', and it's to change weekly; you'll see me on Sundays to receive the new one. This dorm is a privilege that the heads have previously proved worthy of, and I don't doubt the both of you will uphold that mantle. There is to be no _funny business._ Understood?" again she was looking at James and not Lily when she said this, but Lily couldn't help raise an eyebrow when McGonagall uttered the words 'funny business'. James smiled charmingly.

"You know, Professor, its _Evans_ you should worry about, I think she might actually murder me—I know its hard to believe, I'm so devilishly handsome, but really I'm afraid to sleep at night-"

"That's enough, Mr. Potter." McGonagall interrupted grimly, but Lily swore she detected a small upturned corner in the teacher's lips. Unbelievable. The teachers _were_ in love with him.

"You'll find you things there when you arrive, and there's no need to worry about your duties tonight. The teachers are patrolling. You may go." She said, walking to the door and opening it for them.

"Thank you, Professor." Lily said, receiving a nod in return and leaving quickly, trying to escape James even if she knew it was impossible. It was. He was bounding up the closest staircase after her, looking like some kind of excited puppy.

"I guess I finally get to know what it's like to sleep with you." He commented slyly, lurching away in the next instant, avoiding the anticipated slap of some sort.

"In your dreams, Potter." She snapped, looking around on the threshold of the fourth floor, desperately trying to ignore his annoying bravado. He gasped in mock surprise.

"How did you know that!" she gave him a look of disgust and started walking aimlessly down the corridor, spotting the appointed gargoyle about halfway down near a giant portrait of some wizard conqueror.

"Gillyflower." She said clearly. The one-eyed gargoyle blinked at her and nodded discreetly; an unseen door in the column of its pedestal opened smoothly, and Lily entered the dorm that was to be her new home at Hogwarts. James followed suit, looking quite impressed.

The common room of the head's dorm was elegant and roomy, with a giant fire place in the center of the room against the wall, flames flickering invitingly inside of it. In fact, it looked much like the common room of Gryffindor tower, though not quite as big as it only had to make room for two people. There was a desk in the corner; the carpet was thick and soft. On one side of the room a short spiral staircase led up to a landing where a door stood, with a gold plate reading HEAD GIRL nailed on it. On the other side was a short hallway, ground level, where a door with a similar plate reading HEAD BOY was located. Lily's trunk and other things were laid neatly on the landing before the door; James's in front of his door.

"Whoa," James said looking up at the high ceiling. Lily didn't know if she'd ever heard him that inexpressive in the entirety of her knowing him. And, for once, she agreed with something that came out of his mouth. This was _nice_.

"Goodnight, Potter." Lily said abruptly, but civilly. He looked at her in surprise a she made her way over the adorable little staircase.

"Aww, Evans, no! C'mon…let's...celebrate or somethin'!" she turned around as she picked up her things and placed her hand on the door knob.

"Potter, I have to put up with you, I don't have to like you." She said with a sigh, and went into her room.

James stood dubiously at the bottom of the stairs, rather let down by that stick that was always up Evans's arse. The girl really was mind-boggling. Surely he couldn't be that repulsive to her. He wasn't repulsive to anyone. Not girls, at least. He was James Potter! With a groan he smacked himself in the forehead and collapsed on a sofa in front of the fire. What kind of girl would rather sleep than sneak down to the kitchens and get some party food to celebrate a room like this?

James propped himself up on his elbow and glanced up the staircase to Lily's firmly shut door. A slow grin spread over his face. There was no way she could keep giving him this frigid act. Not when she had to live with him. It just wouldn't work. This year could turn out to be one of the best.

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Lily stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom that connected to her room, brushing her teeth. She pulled her hair back at the nape of her neck as she leaned forward to spit and rinsed her mouth out under the sink. She capped the tooth paste and swept her hair up in a pony tail, wanting to get in some reading before bed. She looked at her reflection for a moment, thinking about what Susannah had said. _You'll have to make the best of it. _

Susanna was right, she realized with an inward groan. There would have to be some kind of truce or something. She wasn't going to spend her final year at Hogwarts at odds with James Potter, spending all her energy in a war of wits with him. Not when she needed all her brainpower to pass final exams and qualify for healer training. This was her last year too. She was going to enjoy it. Potter as Head Boy was just an unexpected drawback.

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**A/N: **Reviewers get virtual cookies!

--Alexa


	2. Flinch

**A/N: **Sorry, I wanted to update faster, but I had a bit of writer's block with setting up story, so I took my time to perfect it a little ;). Thanks the reviewers, I appreciated the feedback, and I always try to answer your reviews personally.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter Two:**

Lily leaned back against an armchair in the Head's common room, shaking her head with a dejected sigh. Susanna sat across from her, leaning her back on the table, their homework forgotten on top of it. Susanna tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and looked at Lily, chewing the end of her quill.

"Do you think Mulciber did it then?" Lily asked quietly, plucking at the thick carpet next to her. Susanna sighed and dropped her arm heavily to rest on her raised knee, and gave a small shrug.

"Well Mulciber's no angel, but Mary McDonald's not a godsend either. I don't know what to think. If she says he raped her, I hate to doubt that, but she just _lies_ so much…" Susanna trailed off, twirling the quill around in her gingers and watching it. "We've only been back three weeks, why would he do something so heinous right off the bat? Not that it'd be okay if he did it at all…then again, Mary's parents believed her if they withdrew her this early. Ugh." Susanna gave a grunt of disgust and turned her head to Lily, her eyes asking for the redhead's input. Lily was silent for a minute longer.

"It's a big thing to accuse someone of." She said softly, uncertainly, stopping her pulling at the carpet to give Susanna full attention. "But…Sev-Severus wouldn't…he's not…I just don't think…" Lily broke off and groaned, trying to find the words she was looking for. "I know what kind of person Mulciber is, but I just can't see Severus going along with something that…abominable." She bit her lip, watching Susanna anxiously. Susanna snorted and Lily saw her stop herself from rolling her eyes.

"He's always been into the Dark Arts Lily, _too_ into them. You know he's one of them, or will be. Why do you keep trying to convince yourself otherwise?" Susanna asked, almost pleading. She gave Lily a sad look.

"I know. I _know_. You don't how he's got it at home though—"

"It's not an excuse. I'm not saying he had anything to do with Mary's allegations, but we've been telling you for years, Lils. Even Sasha and she thinks everyone's wonderful. You don't even call him a friend anymore, not since he started throwing around the 'M' word, but you still give him this weird…benefit of the doubt."

Lily frowned slightly, knowing Susanna was right. She tilted her head back to rest it on the seat of the chair and rolled her head back and forth, sitting back up taller and sweeping her thick hair back behind her. She wrinkled her nose at Susanna in a way that signaled defeat.

"Hey, if it helps, I don't think Mulciber did it. Maybe he ran a pass at her that she didn't like, but I doubt he actually _raped_ her." Susanna offered. And it was the truth. She hardly believed that Mulciber had had the opportunity to snatch up a student and pull off rape, especially with his friendsinvolved—as Mary accused—and it not get discovered. Lily nodded and gave a huge sigh, crawling back to the table on all fours and dragging a Transfiguration paper towards her with a distasteful look. _Animagus: a Process. _Transfiguration wasn't a subject she had difficulty with, but McGonagall was a tough grader and the animagi process took some careful wording. She was getting nowhere. She and Susanna had started their work during their free period after lunch, while Sasha had a class; Lily was eager for the calm company of her pragmatic friend, and when Susanna had noticed Lily's distraction they'd stopped working to hash out the subject of the Mulciber rumors.

The world out there was getting worse. Sure, she'd gotten the _Daily Prophet_ all summer, but although there were plenty of depressing things, there were also too many other stories that journalists used to distract people from how bad things really were. But when she was back in her world, living it, it was hard to turn a blind eye to the dismal goings-on. This Dark Lord, who'd started off as a little mentioned gang leader, was drawing followers by the numbers, preaching spine-chilling things that spelled out danger for people like Lily. And worse, people were listening. The Slytherins, always so snobbish towards the rest of the houses, were almost isolated now, and those who weren't already declaring their allegiance to 'you-know-who' certainly weren't speaking out against him. It was as if suddenly everyone had to pick a side or perish. People like Mulciber, Avery, even Sirius Black's little brother had come back to school cockier and eerily troublesome than ever, seeming smug. And now, this gossip about Mary McDonald and Mulciber. It was hardly something a girl who'd been over the moon about her last year of school wanted to return to.

"Lily?" Susanna interrupted her thoughts, her voice a bit hesitant.

"Hmm?" Lily murmured, still coming back to the present. She dipped her quill in the inkpot, glancing up at Susanna. Susanna's back was still turned against the table, her strawberry hair hovering just about the surface. Susanna shifted a little and turned around, her face solemn. She paused a minute, until Lily looked up in expectation, wondering why she hadn't spoken.

"What?" Lily asked, a little impatiently. Susanna wasn't usually one to draw things out. Susanna looked at her for a second longer and got up, walking over to sit in the armchair Lily had been leaning against. She perched on the edge, her hands on her tightly pressed knees. Lily looked at her quizzically, getting an inkling that something serious was up with her best friend.

"You okay, Suze?" she asked, tapping the tip of her quill absently on the table. She'd scourge away the ink blots later.

"I've gotta talk to you, Lily." Susanna replied earnestly, still sounding a little chary. Lily raised an eyebrow at her worriedly.

"Sure, Susanna. What is it?" Lily asked gently, genuinely concerned now. It wasn't often Susanna acted in this uncertain way; she was usually on Lily's side, with the uptight advice, or her own personal brand of advice: sarcasm and irony. She looked at Lily for a moment, pressing her lips together so her face looked severe. Lily knew she was doing this to stop herself from crying; Susanna hated tears. She tossed her head back and laughed a little, the laugh sounded like a disbelieving snort.

"I slept with Sirius Black." She said heavily, looking at Lily with collected eyes. Lily stared back, not sure if she'd heard right. She barely kept her mouth from dropping open but she still didn't effectively hid the shock that spread over her face when Susanna spoke the words, because Susanna gave a tiny, half smile and looked down at her lap for a moment. When she looked back up, Lily had composed herself a little.

"You slept…" Lily faltered for a minute, and took a deep breath. She really hated to be blunt, but she figured there was no way to avoid that when speaking on the subject they were. "You mean you had sex with him, Susanna?" Lily asked, knowing full well what kind of reaction she was going to get. She wasn't wrong.

"Yes, Lily. I had sex with him." Susannah answered tersely, her knuckles turning white in her lap. Lily nodded, treading carefully. She sat back on her heels and dropped her quill on the table, homework again forgotten. Susanna had seemed a little quiet at first, before she'd gotten Lily to talk about what was bothering her. Lily hadn't thought anything of it at first, but now it seemed Susanna had been a little off since breakfast.

"Oh, Suze." She sighed, not sure whether to by sympathetic, or what sort of emotion was required here. "What happened? _When_ did this happen?" she asked delicately. She watched her friend carefully. Susannah raised her shoulders and laughed oddly again, and then put her head in her hands, shaking it slightly. When she looked back up, her eyes were red and watery. "What were you thinking, Suze?" she asked, slightly urgently. It wasn't the principle but the person who scared her. She didn't want Susanna to get hurt.

"A few days ago." She laughed; Lily guessed she kept laughing to stop herself from crying or screaming. "I don't know…what happened. I was upset, about something, my dad…we were alone; he saw me burning the letter…I don't know. It happened so fast." Susanna didn't seem to want to elaborate anymore than that and shook her head, looking to the ceiling with her sardonic smile. Lily watched her silently, her arm still stretched out over her homework, her hand resting idly in her lap.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked quietly, her voice concerned. She wasn't sure what she could say to help, it seemed Susanna just wanted an ear for her secrets, but she was so upset and Lily hated to see her hurting. "He's not—he's not telling people?" Susanna ran her palms up and down her jeans, blowing air out through her lips.

"He hasn't. I mean, no one's said anything. Not yet." She answered, mumbling for the first time in a long time. "I'm okay. I'm…just…" Susanna stopped short, pressing her lips together. Lily got up swiftly and sat on the edge of the armchair, slipping her arm around the other girl's shoulder.

"You regret it." She said, a mix of a question and a statement. Susanna was still busy trying not to burst into tears; Lily didn't expect an instant reply. Finally, Susanna seemed to gain her control back.

"That's the thing, Lil." She said hoarsely. "I'm not sure…if I do. I do, but it," she hesitated, and swallowed hard, pulling back a little and turning to look at Lily. She blinked a couple times, clearing her eyes. "It," she tried again, and closed her eyes with a frustrated noise. "I'm just confused." She muttered. She watched Lily for a minute, looking every bit as conflicted as she sounded, and tilted her head to the side with a grunt. "I feel like…It wasn't a big deal, we're not dating, but then…then I can't decide if I'm upset , and I regret it, but I don't, and I don't want to talk to him. You think I'm insane." She finished, snorting.

Lily shook her head, frowning, her eyes solemn and wide.

"I don't know what you're going through, Susie." She said honestly, using the nickname Susanna's mother called her. Susanna smiled a little. "But I wish you hadn't—I mean, you. Ugh. I don't want you to get hurt is all." She said awkwardly, not wanting to sound like she was judging, and knowing that it sounded that way. "I'm not judging you." She clarified, exasperated at her sudden inability to be articulate. "But you can't take it back now."

"I know that." Susanna said tensely. She relaxed again a moment later and muttered an apology. Lily shrugged and clasped her shoulder, ignoring any shortness in her friend's tone. Susanna looked at the table for a minute, and when she looked back at Lily there were tears on her face, falling slowly. Lily was careful not to say anything, privy to how Susanna hated any reference to her crying. "It felt good to do it. Like I was getting back at my dad." She said shakily, her eyes angry. "The letter I got—he finally left."

"I'm so sorry, Suze." Lily said softly, her lips pulling at the corners. Susanna's dad wasn't much of a father, he was strict and a little rough, and he constantly cheated on her mother and was very judging towards Susanna, always pointing out her flaws. Susanna wiped her tears and leaned back against the couch, slouching down in the chair and taking a deep breath.

"It's a stupid reason to sleep with someone." She muttered darkly, Lily turned from her perch on the armrest to look at her, and she was staring at the wall to the left blankly. "And it didn't fix anything." Lily pressed her lips together in a sad grimace. She started to speak when Susanna turned her head back and smiled, not her usual clever smirk, but a smile all the same.

"It's better now. That I told someone." She laughed, more lightly this time. "I don't feel like a closet whore."

"You're not a whore." Lily corrected sharply, narrowing her eyes at Susanna. Susanna shrugged; she hadn't really meant it. She put her hand up to her mouth and bit her pinky nail, already looking back in character.

"Thanks for not freaking out." She said. Lily let herself smile. Practical Susanna. Typical of her to accept that she couldn't change it and start looking forward to see what would have to be done.

"At least it was the good-looking one, if it had to be a _maruader_." She said slyly. Susanna giggled and pulled her nail out of her mouth.

"You're the best to talk to, Lil." She said with a grin. Lily shrugged.

"Call me Dr. Evans." She sighed dramatically, sliding off the arm rest and leaning against the table with her arm propped on it. Susanna sat up and ran her fingers through her hair, shaking it out and sweeping it up into a messy ponytail, managing to look carelessly gorgeous. Lily swept her quill off the table and held it up dejectedly.

"Homework seems so uninviting after all this gossip." She said matter-of-factly. Susanna nodded, and groaned, still not looking completely herself. She took her quill from Lily and spoke again.

"Don't tell anyone, okay?" she asked, a little insecurely. Lily blinked. As if her blabbing about _that_ had been a possibility.

"Don't be ridiculous, Susanna." She said sharply. Susanna nodded, her lips twitching. Both of them knew very well Lily wasn't going to be gossiping about _sex_ with anyone. Especially Sirius Black's sex life. "Let's get to this homework. Then we can lie around and tease Sasha while she suffers through hers." Lily suggested. Susanna smirked and slid off the couch, reaching out and dragging her thick charms book across the table.

They took the next hour and a half working on their homework, chatting about the start of school and petty little things, both staying away from any hard subjects. Lily thought Susanna's mind must still be swimming around her faux pas with Sirius and she herself was still stressing out over Mulciber…and Severus, as a result. When she was finished with her grueling Transfiguration essay, she pulled her want out from her schoolbag and began practicing some spells she'd gotten rusty on over the summer holidays. Susanna was muttering to herself about a theoretical paper on ancient runes, something Lily couldn't help her with, and they passed the afternoon quietly. At one point, Lily lowered her want from levitating a fireplace poker and looked to a small clock on the small side table in the corner.

"Merlin, it's almost six. Where's Sasha?" she asked, looking around to Susanna, who'd just slammed her ancient runes book shut with a relieved look. Susanna glanced at the clock as well.

"I don't know…that girl's is completely unpredictable." She answered, her lips twitching. She shoved her work into her school bag and stood up, stretching. "Maybe she got in trouble again."

Lily snorted at the 'again'. Sasha had been stuck in double muggle studies this afternoon, a class she loved a little too much. She got on Professor Burbage's nerves with her bright questioning and incessant chattering—Sasha ended up cleaning Burbage's rooms a _lot_. Lily got up from her place on the floor and slid her wand into her back pocket.

"Dinner?" she asked. Susanna nodded, reaching up and jerking the hair tie out of her hair. She preceded Lily out of the dorm, straightening wrinkled clothes as they walked down the corridor.

"How'd we get lucky enough to avoid Potter for so long?" Susanna asked.

"I have _no_ idea. He's _always_ _there_." Lily answered with a groan. Susanna gave her a sideways glance and looked back ahead with a smirk, steering them towards the nearest connected staircase.

"I can't imagine living with him."

"Ugh." Lily shuddered. "He's so…obnoxious, and all the time. It's like he never runs out of smart things to say." She thought for a moment. "Or lewd things." She added. Susanna snorted derisively.

"I'll never comprehend what got him Head Boy." She said, shaking her head. Lily just grunted and rolled her eyes.

She'd been telling the truth. James Potter seemed to be in the dorm every moment of the day, even when he was supposed to be in a class. And unlike Lily's friends, his—well, okay, Sirius—was always hanging out in there. Lying on the couch. Zooming paper airplanes into the fireplace. Or they were all there; playing exploding snap loudly. Being loud in general. And Potter never stopped teasing her. It wasn't in a way that upset her, it wasn't mean. It was so galling, how she 

couldn't say one word without him construing it into some sexual innuendo or invitation. She spend a lot of time alone in her room, when he wasn't in the Gryffindor common room or out on the grounds.

"Suze! Lil!"

They stopped just before entering the great hall, waiting for Sasha, who'd appeared at the top of the grand staircase. She ran down to them, seeming to skip stairs and managing to look graceful. As usual, a hug smile was spread across her face and her hair was bouncing in a ponytail, the curly escapees hanging around her face. She wiggled in between Susanna and Lily sighed dramatically.

"Where've you been?" Susanna asked non-chalantly, glancing covertly at Lily. Sasha suppressed a giggle.

"Well, I have muggle studies with the Ravenclaws—"

"On, no." interrupted Lily. Sasha nudged her indignantly.

"I'm narrating, Evans!" she said, mock annoyed. "So Ted was across the room, and see, Andromeda was telling me this story yesterday of how he was really adorable when he tried to be dashing and romantic so I had to go ask him about it and Burbage just didn't understand the _urgency_—"

"We thought something along those lines." Susanna said, her smirking even more pronounced. Sasha raised her shoulders and her eyes to the ceiling, looking angelic.

"What can I say?" she commented, as they entered the great hall. It was fairly crowded, as six was about the time most people came for dinner. Andromeda waved as they came in, but she was busy arguing with the Ravenclaw quidditch captain about something and didn't come to talk. Lily scanned the Gryffindor table swiftly, looking for Potter or any of his crew, but none of them where there yet. She was sitting gown on the bench, some space between her and the group of sixth years, when Susanna nudged her and whispered in her ear quietly.

"Mulciber's here." she said. Lily nodded slightly and didn't look right away, preferring subtlety to the outright gawking everyone else was probably employing. After a moment she turned her head and made as if she were looking for someone, but surveyed Mulciber. He sat near the head of the Slytherin table, looking smug and talking coolly to Avery and the Carrows. Lily swallowed disgustedly, her hatred for the other student rising in her throat. She looked over to the other side of Carrow quickly, where Severus sat. He was looking at his food, but as she looked at him he looked up at Mulciber and said something, to which Mulciber gave him a slow smile and laughed. Lily looked away. She should listen to Susanna.

Sasha was sitting on the other side of the table with Alice Willow, talking animatedly about the very subject of Lily's staring. Susanna was watching them over the edge of her goblet.

"But don't you think if it was true, he'd be expelled?" Sasha was asking, cutting up the meat on her plate. Sasha was bubbling with energy, even with this horrible rumor.

"His dad's pretty rich, you know." Alice replied, as if this was an explanation.

"Dumbledore would never take a bribe." Sasha said in response, taking a bit of her food. Susanna put down her goblet. "Besides, why Mary McDonald? She's a Hufflepuff, she's a fifth year, and she's not gorgeous or anything—I mean I like her, but still." Alice shrugged. She was a quiet girl, not one for confrontation, but everybody liked her. Susanna chose this moment to chime in.

"Mary McDonald's a muggle born." She said carefully. Sasha stopped her fork mid bite and looked at Lily before replying.

"So?" she demanded. Susanna rolled her eyes.

"That's what this is all about. This 'death eater' bullshit. It's lineage. And Mary's brother beat Mulciber in quidditch the other day, snatched the snitch out from under his nose." Susanna explained.

"You think he did it?" Sasha asked curiously, interested. Susanna shrugged.

"Lily and I were talking about it. I think you're right, Sash, I don't think he did it. It's farfetched. But her parents think he did, and that's something to look at. Alice's right too, there should be more of an inquiry, but something's been hushed up."

Sasha looked at her thoughtfully and Alice looked tow both sides for a minute before leaning forward.

"Frank's dad works in magical law. He said he heard his parents talking about it. Dumbledore was apparently incensed and believed Mary, but the school board came up with a bunch of proof and stuff. Dumbledore's still advocating Mary, but even he has to admit with her history and the alibi, he can't get anywhere."

"What about the other stuff?" Lily asked suddenly, speaking up for the first time. Alice looked at her expectantly. "You know, the dark magic his friends, Snape and Avery, those guys, used on her? Is that true?"

She felt Susanna looking at her knowingly, and Sasha rolled her eyes across the table but Lily ignored them both. Alice didn't seem to think anything of the question.

"They think that's nothing more than the normal rivalry that goes on between houses, no more than fun spells." She said airily. She, like the others, seemed to think the main gossip was Mulciber.

They were all quiet for a moment, eating or drinking, thinking about Alice's divulgence. The rest of the hall was buzzing, no doubt about the same thing.

"What a way to start a year." Grumbled Susanna, breaking the silence. She tossed her hair back and stabbed her meat viciously. "I wish someone would do something worthy of fun gossip."

Sasha and Lily burst into laughter at this, and Susanna smiled as well. The last adjective their friend would ever use for gossip was 'fun'. She was a bit of a snob when it came to whispers, considering herself above it all. Alice smiled shyly, not sure what the joke was but enjoying the company all the same.

"Well if you want something fun, Maisey Lovegood told me something about Sirius Black—"

Susanna dropped her fork on her plate and Sasha stopped mid-sentence, looking at her in surprise. Lily didn't react at all, and Alice didn't either; she didn't find it odd that someone dropped their fork.

"What, now his name just scares you? You and Lily!" Sasha giggled, shaking her head. She turned her attention back to all of them, while Susanna picked up her goblet and very carefully kept her face a mask. "Anyway, so apparently he—speak of the devil!" she yelled suddenly. Lily swiveled around to see James and his faithful sidekick sauntering up the aisle, Remus Lupin following behind with a parchment in his hands.

"Did someone call?" Sirius asked loudly, looking around. Sasha laughed heartily. She, unlike her two friends, thoroughly enjoyed the antics of the 'marauders' and considered Remus one of her friends. Meaning she rather liked to dazzle him with her ceaseless energy. Lily turned the other way, where Sirius was standing behind the bench between her and Susanna; she wanted her back to Potter. So she got a firsthand look at Sirius when he looked down and saw Susanna sitting in front of him, though she wasn't looking at him. His small faltered for a minute and Lily swore she saw his eyes dart to herself before he spoke, his voice a little more subdued.

"Hey, Susie." He greeted. Alice looked at Lily, mildly surprised, and Lily herself widened her eyes. First of all, he hadn't called her 'Farris Wheel', which was what he pretty much always called her, second of all, he hadn't pulled her hair, something he'd been doing since he first met here when she'd been in pigtails in first year, a hairdo he said was 'asking for a yank'. Sasha just smiled and waited for Susanna's response. Susanna set down her goblet and turned around slightly, as if sizing him up.

"Sirius." She said civilly. He beamed at her, and swung down onto the bench next to her, helping himself to a huge plate of food. Susanna glanced at Lily, and Lily raised her eyebrows. She 

didn't really have a minute to say get anything from Susanna's silent conversation, because James had wedged himself between her and Susanna in the next second.

"Evans, I have not seen you all _day_! Do you know the agony I've been suffering?" he asked playfully, pouting his lips and leaning close to her. She jerked away, hitting Remus, who was standing behind her, still reading the paper in his hands.

"Sorry," he muttered. Lily replied with the same thing and focused her attention back on the arrogant toerag in her face.

"My day's been lovely." She said pointedly, shoving him back. James gave a mock gasp of despair and gave her the biggest eyes he could, even effecting a bit of lip trembling.

"Oh, give it up." Muttered Susanna on the other side. Alice started to ask her about her Charms work and Sasha was engrossed in a conversation with Sirius about burning down the astronomy tower.

"Lilykins, you're killin' my self-esteem here. Don't you think I'm cute?" he asked. Lily almost gagged on her tongue, and laughed at how ridiculous he looked _and_ sounded. He started to grin, thinking he'd gotten to her.

"Potter, little kittens are cute." She replied sarcastically, laughing derisively. He gave possible the girliest sounding gasp of hurt he could muster and leaned back, shaving Susanna over into Sirius.

"Whoa, Prongsie, stop shoving girls in my lap, that's hazardous!" sniggered Sirius. Susanna's cheeks darkened and she punched James in the side hard. He grunted slightly, but he wasn't done teasing Lily.

"You're just going to have to make up for the insult by going out with me, Lily-flower." He said matter-of-factly, folding his arms.

"I'm going to regurgitate my dinner." Lily groaned, distaste written across her face.

"So many big words, Evans!" whined Sirius; his face appearing around Susanna's back next to James.

"You'll have to explain them to me over dinner." James sighed, his eyes dancing. Oh, he was enjoying this.

"Bugger off, you little berk." Susanna said finally, giving James's head a murderous look. James ignored her.

"Evans, I'm getting tired of this disrespect from you tight-ass friend—"

A huge, resounding, bang and a shout of glee interrupted the insult that would have gotten James Potter killed by Susanna Farris, and all of them, the entire hall included, snapped their heads towards the lobby outside the great hall, where the sound was coming from. People started to jump up, running, and Sasha jumped up, climbing onto the bench and looking over heads. There was a smaller snapping sound and loud, cruel laughter sounded and Lily jumped up, her argument forgotten. Her feeling that something was wrong was confirmed when a girl screamed and someone yelled "FIGHT!" at the top of their lungs. She leapt out of her spot and headed for the hall, looking around for a teacher.

Out in the lobby, tons of students, with more running out of the great hall, were gathered around Mulciber, flanked behind by the Carrows, Avery, and way back, standing with Dolohov, looking grim, Snape. On the other side was Ricky McDonald, with his wands pointed at Mulciber, tears on his red face. Lily felt a pang in her heart for him, as she shoved through the crowd trying to get to the fight.

"Is that all you go, McDonald? Your baby sister could do better!" taunted Mulciber, his cronies laughing jeeringly. "And she did, McDonald, she _did_."

"Shut UP!" screamed Ricky, flinging a wordless spell at Mulciber. He was too upset to do anything, and the spell, whatever it was, did nothing but cause another bang. "I know what you did to her, you bastard!" Mulciber laughed.

"She's got a big _mouth_, your sissy," he said lewdly, the double meaning behind his words sickening Lily. She yelled over the crowd, but her voice was lost. "Changed her story ten times, at least, I didn't do nuthin to that howling bitch—"

"You messed with her memory!" howled Ricky. He thrust his want and this time Mulciber stumbled backwards, winded. Lily reached the front of the crowd, just behind Ricky, right as Mulciber steadied himself. He looked less amused now.

"STOP!" screamed Lily, stepping out into them, praying anxiously for a teacher to show up. Mulciber turned his attention to her.

"What're you gonna do about it, Mudblood?" he asked cuttingly. "Stay out of it." He growled. He raised his want and Lily lunged forward, reaching for hers. "I said STOP—" she broke off with a yelp in mid-scream, her hand barely to her want. His stinging hex had cut across her face, and she felt an angry welt blossom there.

So quickly, before she even had time to realize Potter had been behind her, he had Mulciber's arms locked behind his back. Potter was smaller than Mulciber, but angrier, and with more concentrated muscle.

"Fucking scum." He muttered, as Mulciber wrenched in his grip. Lily jerked her wand out, ignoring the stinging on her face and trying to focus on stopping the violence.

"Protecting the little Mudblood, eh, potter?" hissed Mulciber, giving Lily a poisonous glare. He smiled lewdly as his eyes raked over Lily, and she suddenly felt like his eyes where burning right through her. "Maybe there's some good in this one, Potter, I'm impressed—just make sure you marry pureblood like a goodbye and fuck the dirty—" James punched Mulciber in the side of the face and Lily flinched, feeling her face get red at the thought of what the rest of his foul sentence might have contained.

"What is going on here?" the cool, sharp voice of Professor McGonagall rose over the crowd of students, and she, too seemed to appear out of nowhere. She took in the scene, and her eyes narrowed as she looked from Mulciber to McDonald, still in attack stance, to Potter.

"Mr. Potter, release Mulciber." She said tightly. James obeyed, letting go with disgust, cursing under his breath, and McGonagall took Mulciber by the collar. She looked over At Ricky, and Lily followed her glance; Susanna and Sasha were behind Ricky, with Alice and the rest of James's friends, looking a bit shaken. "Mr. McDonald, I'll see to you later." She said sharply, dragging Mulciber off with her. The students slowly started to gravitate towards Ricky, jabbering, wanting to know what had happened. Lily caught glimpse of Severus as she relaxed her defensive stance and put her wand back in her pocket; she looked at him tightly, angrily. He looked away quickly. Susanna was the first by her side, but James beat her to the quick, stepping forward anxiously.

"Are you okay?" he asked tightly, still looking white-faced and tense.

"Fine." Lily muttered, turning away slightly. Sirius was still by Susanna's side, Lily barely registered his hand resting on her arm above the elbow, but he looked solemn and hurried away suddenly, both her and Remus muttering to James.

"C'mon, mate calm down" Sirius said. Lily turned to her concerned friend.

"Oh my god." Sasha exclaimed, her face pale. "I can't believe…that was harsh." She said, not seeming to be able to find the words she wanted. Susanna was silent, but her lips were pressed together and she looked livid.

"You need salve for your face." She said generically. Lily had forgotten about the burn and reached up gingerly to touch it. She glanced over her shoulder, but James had walked farther away, and he was gesturing angrily at his friends; she couldn't hear what he was saying. She looked back at her friends.

"I'll go see the nurse." She said quietly, still shaken up. Sasha started talking to her, and Alice, wondering what had gone on, admiring Ricky for standing up for his sister, but Susanna was still looking searchingly at Lily. In the back of her mind, Lily remembered how fast James had attacked Mulciber when he'd raised his wand against her, and the livid look on his face at the insinuation he'd spouted but—"

"You okay, Lils?" Susanna asked quietly, so Sasha wouldn't hear and ask a million questions.

"Yeah." Lily answered, bringing her hand away from her face. She rubbed her palm against her skirt, for something do with her hands.

At the front of her mind, was Mulciber's leering smile and the way his eyes had run over her like she was an object on display for his pleasure. The way he'd looked at her…had frightened her.

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**Please Review! Just press that lovely little button, and tell me waht you think. I'm looking for at least 5, come on now.**


	3. Moratorium

**A/N** This is an 'M' rated chapter, just as a warning. I updated faster than I expected, and I got my 5 revies goal, so thank you. Here you go!

**teepirategirl: **You owe me virtual cookies ;)

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**Chapter Three**

Lily pulled a pillow over her head and groaned, slamming her palm down on the alarm next to her bed. She sighed and sat up groggily, running a finger through her tussled hair and glaring blearily at the sunny morning light streaming through the window in her room. It was later than she usually woke, as she'd decided to skip breakfast this morning, opting for an extra hour or two of sleep instead. She'd been up a long time last night, not with homework, but just thinking about the incident with Mulciber, among other things, things that had been happening, Susanna and Sirius Black, Ricky McDonald. She'd just been a little too riled up to lay down and close her eyes.

With a sigh, Lily kicked off the thick, comfortable covers and dragged her feet over to the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, combed through her hair, and applied a little make-up, never being one for loads of the stuff caked on her face. She checked her eyes in the mirror, looking for dark circles under her eyes, but there were none noticeable and she left the bathroom in her underwear to don the school uniform that was lying on the chair in her room. She slung her bag over her shoulder and swept her wand off the bedside table, sighing as she thought about potions with the Slytherins this morning.

She stopped in her tracks when she reached the base of the stairs and entered the common room, raising her eyebrows.

"Black?" she asked sharply. Sirius shot up off the couch, his hair sticking up in about ten different places, and whipped his wand out of nowhere, pointing it around madly. Lily suppressed a giggle, and kept her face looking stern.

"_Jesus_, Evans! Can't a man get some blasted sleep?" Sirius scowled, flopping back on the sofa and crossing his legs at the ankle, propping them up on the arm of the couch.

"What are you doing in here? Where's Potter?" Lily questioned, crossing her arms across her chest. James's door was open across the room, and he clearly wasn't inside, which only contributed to the mystery of his best friend sleeping on the couch—well, actually, no it didn't. It was just annoying.

"I _was_ sleeping—aren't you suppose to be a bloody _genius_?—and I'd wager a guess that James is at breakfast. But I'm not his babysitter." Sirius replied petulantly. Lily raised an eyebrow at him, not believing that he was actually that angry at her for interrupting his, er, beauty sleep.

"Why are you _here_?" Lily repeated patronizingly. Sirius opened an eye and rolled it. He closed it back and settled back down into the couch, hunching his shoulders together.

"I'm a kind without a castle, Red." He sighed dramatically, rolling his head to the side and giving a hearty snore. Lily huffed and turned to leave.

"Guess you're not going to Potions." She muttered to herself. She heard him chuckle as the statue swirled shut behind her. There were still a few minutes left in breakfast, but Lily preferred to just get down the dungeons early and save a seat for Sasha, who had potions with her. Susanna was in Ancient Runes this block, and probably enjoying it much more than Lily was going to enjoy potions. Potions, usually her favorite subject _and_ her best, seemed a dismal prospect today, as she had it with the Slytherins, and the whole snaky class had been completely unbearable this year—and would probably be worse after last night.

No one was in the classroom when she got there, not even Slughorn, which she had to admit she was rather relieved about. His joviality and pompous enthusiasm got on her nerves quickly, even if he used it to boisterously praise her in front of the entire class. She set her bag down on a table in the middle of the room and pulled out a book and her potions kit, just as a few students came in behind her. Two of them were Slytherins, but behind them Sasha jumped up and waved excitedly, followed by Alice and Gideon Prewitt.

"Why weren't you at breakfast?" Sasha demanded, dropping her books loudly on the table next to Lily's. Lily shrugged.

"I was up late, slept in." she answered, turning to Gideon and Alice.

"Gideon, did Fabian tell you what happened to Ricky last night" she asked the red-headed boy curiously. His brother Fabian was in Ravenclaw with Ricky, and Lily was eager to find out what she could about the outcome of last night's debacle. Gideon shook his head though.

"No one's saying anything about it, but he wasn't at breakfast this morning and Mulciber was." Gideon told her, pulling a sheet of parchment out of his bag and looking over it worriedly.

"Can you help me with something, Lily? I think I got something wrong, right here…"

Lily nodded and moved to look over Gideon's essay, while the other students started to file in, Sasha's voice heard above all of them, saying hi to everyone and jabbering loudly with Alice. Alice was telling her quietly about her date with Frank the night before by the lake, and Sasha was exclaiming over every word. Lily pointed out Gideon's mistake after a moment.

"It's not root of tannis, there, its elm bark, that's where you went wrong, and I think you meant to say 'peppermint' and not 'pepper men'."

Gideon snorted and pulled out his quill, scratching out the spelling mistake.

"Thanks, Lily." He said. Lily nodded. She turned back to pull out her seat and came face-to-face with Potter, who'd already pulled it out and was holding his arms out gallantly as if offering a throne to a queen. Lily glared at him in response, and jerked the back of the chair out of his hands.

"No need to be so _rude_, Evans, I was being gentlemanly." He said, sounding a bit more annoyed than usual. Lily ignored his comment and put a hand on her hip. He started to grin, but she cut him off before he could comment on her stance.

"Are you aware that Sirius Black slept on our sofa last night?" she demanded. James grinned lopsidedly and reached up to mess with his hair. Lily almost groaned aloud at the signature gesture.

"Are you _serious_, Evans?" he asked slyly. Sasha giggled and Lily gave her a don't-encourage-him look to shut-her up. She responded with an apologetic smile. "And you know, I like the reference to 'our' sofa, Lily-goat, it reminds me that I need to ask you out. Evans, will you—"

"Sit, sit, sit!" Slughorn clapped his hands loudly as he came bouncing in the room. Students scrambled to their seats to avoid him as he walked up the aisle. Sasha swung into her seat next to Lily, still grinning and leaned over.

"Give him a break, Lil." She suggested lightly, nodding her head backward. Lily didn't have to look to know she was referencing James, and she just raised her eyebrow and shook her head at her optimistic friend. Sasha rolled her blue eyes and flipped her white-blonde hair over her shoulder, turning her attention to Slughorn. Lily followed suit. The professor, as usual, had a hug smile on his pasty face.

"I'm going to disappoint you all today!" he announced brightly, looking around the classroom with a smile that said he enjoyed making them groan. Lily knew it wasn't true though, he never wanted to make anyone unhappy really, he just didn't realize he did sometimes. And the way he was talking, she thought she knew what was going on.

"Assigned partners." She groaned in a whisper to Sasha. Sasha humped. Last time, Lily had been stuck with Sirius, and he'd actually succeeded in making something explode without noticing he'd done it. In fact, she distinctly remembered his wide-eyed look and the words 'when the fuck did that happen' come out of his mouth when he realized there was nothing left of his potions book. You could see why she didn't enjoy the 'assigned partner' days.

"Today you'll be making an anti-dream potion, rather difficult but not too much for you smart seventh years to whip up. I'm going to assign you your partners, and you'll have the full two hours to finish it, and that's about how long it should take. Now, Prewitt, you're with Ribbons, and Miss Willow, how about…Potter, yes—Mr. Black! How wonderful of you to join us!" Slughorn broke off suddenly, his eyebrows shooting up. Lily turned around to see Sirius waltzing lazily into the room, looking unconcerned.

"I thought so too, Professor." He agreed smoothly, not sounding smart-assed at all. He set his things down next to James, but Slughorn shook his head.

"No, no, Black, Potter's working with Willow today. You'll have to settle with, let's see, Lestrange." Slughorn gestured to Rodolphous, who looked about as disgusted as Sirius was outraged.

"Professor!" Sirius yelped angrily. Slughorn just shrugged good-naturedly and continued reading out names. Lily couldn't help but feel bad for Sirius as he stood stock still in the middle of the room, but at least she was out of danger of being stuck with James. Of course, when Slughorn announced her partner, she did a complete one-eighty and considered begging for James on her knees.

"Miss Evans, Snape." Lily almost choked, but wasn't callous enough to voice her dislike. Potter was though, and he made an outraged noise behind her where he'd moved with Alice. Someone else in the class disapproved as well.

"Professor, how is that fair? They're both bloody brilliant at potions!" whined a girl in the back of the classroom, sitting as far away from her Gryffindor partner as the table allowed. The girl next to her didn't look quite pleased either. Slughorn ignored any grumbles and groans after that point. Lily swallowed hard and picked up her things, setting them down at the empty seat on Severus's left across the room.

"Now remember, this is a potion that could knock someone into a coma if you don't follow the instructions; do it right and you should be able to take it for a peaceful, uneventful sleep all night through—"

Lily blocked out Slughorn's voice as he started to babble and flipped open her book, already pulling ingredients out of her kit. She started crushing bunch of beetles, trying to ignore Severus looking at her.

"Would you light a fire?" she asked, still not looking at him. Whatever Slytherin girl had complained had a point, she and Severus would be done with this potion faster than anyone in this classroom, but Lily wasn't looking forward to it. It only meant extra minutes of awkwardness between her and boy who'd once been a friend.

Severus did what she asked and started preparing other ingredients.

"Mulciber's in detention for the next month." Severus said suddenly, in his muttering way. Lily looked up sharply.

"And Ricky?" she asked tersely, unsure of why he'd felt the need to tell her that. Severus shrugged and continued peeling an onion. Lily slammed her knife down on the beetles impatiently, wishing he'd say something more. "Why did you tell me that?" she asked irritable.

"So you'd know he got punished." Severus answered, dumping the onion into the cauldron. Lily swept the beetles in after and turned to him, stopping her measuring out of ingredients for a moment.

"He should be kicked out." She said viciously, with more venom than she'd meant to use. Severus still wasn't looking at her, his greasy black hair was hanging over his face so she couldn't see him. He didn't answer right away.

"I'm glad you got Head Girl." He muttered after a minute. Lily scowled to herself and didn't answer. She didn't want to talk to him, he confused her. He'd been the first person to tell her about this whole world, about Hogwarts, he'd made her understand what she could do and not fear it so much. He'd been one to tell her that her birth didn't manner, but turned around and called her a Mudblood in front of thirty witnesses. She's always tried to help him, to be his friend. He didn't fit in and she hated people teasing anyone, but her friends where right, you can judge a person by who they hung out with.

"Thanks." She said finally.

They spend the rest of the lesson in silence, occasionally asking about some potion or direction.

Lily noticed Severus randomly scribbling things in his book, and sometimes crushing or peeling the ingredients in a different way than instructed. She didn't comment on it, as it didn't change the outcome of the potion, which turned out exactly how it was supposed to ten minutes before everyone else's. When they were done, Lily turned her back on him and found Sasha across the room. She was chattering away, no surprise there, to James, and their potion was smoking the right color as well. James kept getting hit in the back of the head with bits of paper from Sirius's side of the room. Sirius was leaning his chair back against the wall and waving his want around, looking thoroughly bored. Lily looked away when James looked up and winked at her, and occupied herself running over the potion's ingredients in her head.

"Time!" called Slughorn after what seemed like an agonizing amount of time. He started with Lily and Severus, a huge beaming smile on his face as he bounced on the balls of his feet. "Bravo, Bravo, Evans, Snape. Couldn't have expected any better. Perfect score."

Lily smiled at him and packed up her things, waving her wand to vanish the frothy opalescent liquid in the cauldron, anxious to get out of the classroom. Slughorn clicked his tongue, gave some praise, and finally ended up back in the front of the classroom.

"All right, all right. Your torture's over." He announced. It was as if a sigh of relief went through the dungeon as people clambered up to escape their unsavory partners. Lily turned back to the desk to pick up the parchment she'd written the homework assignment off the blackboard on. Severus was just shoving his chair into place, and leaving, and Lily's eyes were drawn to a folded and crumbled piece of parchment on top of her assignment notes. She picked it up along with her paper, curiously, but slipped it into when Sasha came up next to her, not wanting to draw questions or read it in front of her friend.

Sasha had a sympathetic look on her face.

"You looked miserable, Lils! Bet you would have rather had Potter, huh?" Sasha asked, as they left the classroom. Lily shrugged, not wanting to talk about the class they'd just had. They walked right past James and Sirius outside the classroom, both of whom were shoving each other roughly and hissing about something unintelligible.

"You missed Alice's story at breakfast, she had more news from Frank about Mary Mc—"

"Oh, Sasha," sighed Lily, giving her friend a long look. "Can we talk about something happy?" she asked hopefully. Sasha shrugged happily and changed course on command. Lily's mind was on the note in her bag though, and she really only let Sasha believe she was listening to her gossip about who Sirius's little brother was dating. She perked back up a little when Susanna's cool voice sounded.

"Sasha, do you ever stop?" she asked, rolling her eyes with a half smile. Sasha nudges Susanna with a bright smile.

"Lily got stuck with Snape in potions." She blurted. Susanna raised her eyebrows mildly.

"I'm sure that was pleasant." Lily couldn't help but laugh at Susanna's tone. Sasha yelled hello down the staircase at Andromeda as she came up; they met at the entrance to their Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, waiting to enter.

"Have you heard anything about Ricky?" Sasha asked before Lily could get to it, looking expectantly at their Ravenclaw comrade. Andromeda looked around covertly, and lowered her voice.

"He came back last night, but he didn't really say anything. We think McGonagall let him off, but we're not really sure." She informed them. Lily and Susanna glanced at each other.

"Mulciber got a month of detention." Lily offered, contributing to the gossip.

"Good!" Sasha said loudly, nodding her head. Andromeda looked like she fully agreed. Andromeda looked over their shoulder suddenly and waved over a boy she knew, giving Sasha a wink. Sasha giggled and Andromeda gave Susanna and Lily an indulgent look before steering Sasha towards the boy.

"I'm a witch on a mission!" she said, leading Sasha off. Lily turned to Susanna, to see her walking into the classroom. She followed and set her bag down next to Susanna's on the four-seat table in Professor Mcgregory's classroom.

"Who's that guy?" Lily asked curiously, her hand resting over the pocket in her bag where Severus's note was.

"Oh, it's, uh, Jasper Hale. Andromeda and Sasha cooked up a plan to get him to—oh, well you know those too. Basically, Andromeda knows he likes Sasha, and Sasha's…Sasha." Lily giggled. Susanna pulled a book out of her bag and looked up, tucking a thick strand of hair behind her ear

"So what went on in potions?" she asked, pulling out her chair and dropping into it. Lily shrugged and joined her, sighing heavily.

"Just another one of Slughorn's fun days." She answered sarcastically. "I don't know. Nothing really happened. It was just awkward."

"I can imagine."

"Morning, Ladies," said Mcgregory gruffly as he appeared in the classroom from his office, a pile of books in his arms.

"Morning," both girls replied, stopping their conversation as the buzz of talking from the hall entered the classroom. Andromeda was dragging Jasper Hale by the elbow when she entered, and winked at Susanna and Lily. Sasha sat down with a giggle and leaned over.

"Oh my god, you guys have to come to Hogsmeade this weekend, wait 'till you see who Andromeda set me up with, he's so cute—"

"Yes, I am rather cute, don't you think Padfoot?" Lily actually did groan this time and Susanna snorted next to her, still lounging back in the chair.

"Aw, what Evans, still in denial?" James pursed his lips in a childish pout and crossed his arms. "Sirius, I'm starting to think I'm ugly, you know? With all these downers from Evans, it's a real kick to the—"

"Oh, stop there." Lily interrupted disgustedly. Sirius slapped James on the back with his wolfish grin.

"Don't worry, mate, I still think you're sexy!" he barked. To Lily's surprise, Susanna let a smile spread over her lips, though she wasn't sure James or Sirius actually got the satisfaction of seeing it. James turned around distractedly when a voice that sounded to Lily like Remus's called his name, but Sirius sighed and flopped down on the desk. Actually laid horizontally across the desk in front of him.

"Did you not get enough sleep this morning?" Lily asked sarcastically, poking him in the ribs. Sirius didn't annoy her half as much as James did sometimes, other than now she felt wary around him, seeing as he'd sort of compromised her best friend and she had to watch that he didn't start talking about it all over school, like he had with his previous escapades.

"Um, no Evans, if you will kindly allow me to jog your memory, _you_ woke me up." He said grumpily, raising up and sticking his tongue out at her.

"Why were you sleeping in their room?" Sasha piped up curiously. Sirius rolled his eyes up in his head to look back at Sasha.

"Peter lost his teddy bear and you really don't wanna be in there when he goes on the rampage." He said conspiratorially. He didn't wait for Sasha's reaction; she laughed, as usual, at his antics.

"Farris Wheel, I have a proposition for you." He announced, as if it where the statement of the century. Susanna lifted a penciled eyebrow.

"Yes?" she asked simply. Lily looked over Sirius's shoulder at Mcgregory, who was frowning into the shaggy-haired boy's back. He looked down at his books a moment, apparently giving Sirius until the bell.

"I am in need of an escort to Hogsmeade this weekend." Sirius said slowly. He was carelessly grinning, his floppy hair falling into his eyes. Sasha made a disbelieving noise, and giggled a little. "Know of anyone?" he asked, leaning up a little, giving her a questioning, sly look. Lily was anticipating this as much as anyone, she could expect. People were starting to look, noticing that their Head Girl hadn't yet started screaming at the marauder.

"Are you asking me out, Black?" Susanna asked bluntly, in her characteristic way. Sirius nodded slowly. Sasha actually gasped, but in a delighted, amused way.

"Mr. BLACK. I _know_ you're not still sitting on that desk." Mcgregory was looking down at his book with his spectacles perched on his nose. He looked up when he didn't hear movement. "Move." He said sharply. Sirius rolled his eyes and shoved himself off the desk. He bent down and leveled his face with Susanna's.

"You can wear your hair in pigtails." He said teasingly, giving one of her curls a gentle tug. Lily turned to Susanna in open mouthed surprise, but her friend was scooting her chair up to the desk. Sasha was scribbling away on a note, which she passed to Susanna almost immediately, and which Susanna didn't acknowledge as Mcgregory had just given them a glare.

While Mcgregory started the lesson, and Sasha was engrossed in trying to get Susanna to write back anyhow, Lily pulled her book down onto her lap and scooted back, looking very studious and serious so Sasha wouldn't try to talk to her about what had just passed between Sirius and Susanna. She slipped the crumpled note out of her bag covertly and smoothed it out on the page 

of the book, the wobbly, scratchy writing swimming up at her. She read over the note and looked up, her mind thrown into a quarry.

_I have to talk to you. Astronomy tower, eleven o'clock._

_Sev_

* * *

Lily fingered her wand in her robe pocket as she paced up and down the seventh floor corridors, hardly paying attention to her surroundings. Anyone out of bed could get past her without Lily even noticing, she was too preoccupied with her thoughts. She'd been thinking about _the_ _note_ all day.

It was almost eleven, and she still hadn't decided if she was going to meet Severus or not. She hadn't told Sasha or Susanna about it either, knowing exactly what their reactions would be and not wanting to have to add their complaints to the already confusing decision.

She just wasn't sure what to do. She'd barely spoken to Severus since the end of their fifth year, and it had been hard for her. She'd hated to just start giving up on him, but she was tired of trying to convince her friends he was all right when she started to have her doubts about it. But she still saw him some summers, sitting out by a tree in his front yard with a book, looking completely morose, or if she was down by the park with a few of her muggle friends, they could hear his parents screaming a mile away, sometimes at him. She had a lot of compassion for him, but that had to stop somewhere, didn't it?

Lily reached up and rubbed her forehead, looking around with a sigh. She walked quickly over to the nearest stair case and started to walk up, hoping not to run into one of the prefects or, worse, Potter on her way up to the astronomy tower. She groaned inwardly at herself. This wasn't a good idea. She was just going to end up crying, and lose another night of good sleep. But she had to know what he wanted to say. A loud shout came from somewhere below her, and a burst of laughter. _That_ was Potter. She ignored it and hurried up the stairs faster; choosing to ignore whatever he'd started. She ran her hand back through her hair as she made her way upstairs, nervous habit.

When she reached the long, winding tower stairs that led up the astronomy tire she looked up them anxiously, and checked behind her to make sure no one saw her go, so she wouldn't be followed. Then she started the long trek up there. The portraits, paintings of wizards and witches observing the stars, or dark nights with planets visible in the sky, were silent, except for the noise of crickets coming from some of them. One old, bearded wizard sitting at a desk with a muggle telescope snorted and looked up at her blearily as she passed.

Lily was a little out of breath when she reached the ajar door to the round room that was the astronomy classroom; she hadn't realized she'd been going so fast up the stairs. She tucked her hair behind her ear and opened the door, her hand slipping back into her robe pocket to twirl her want. She glanced into the nearest corner, used to Severus emerging out of dark places and scaring her to death.

"Severus?" she whispered, squinting her eyes. "Sev?" she called again, more of a hiss. She'd find him tomorrow and kill him if this was some kind of prank to get her out past patrol. Something shifted on the other side of her and she turned around; the door slammed shut behind her and she jumped. "Snape!" she demanded loudly, using his surname. Someone laughed.

"He's said you'd come." Lily swallowed as Mulciber stepped out of the corner, his mouth turned up the corners in his weird, grimacing smirk. She stepped back, her hand curling around her wand in her pocket. She looked to the door; Avery was standing there, leaning against it with his wand swinging back and forth in his hand before him, looking amused. She hadn't even noticed him there. Lily's stomach clenched.

"What the hell is going on?" she asked through gritted teeth, letting the curse slip out. Lily rarely used expletives, though Sasha threw them around in a cheery way and Susanna's sarcasm gave her the mouth of a sailor. She just never saw the merit in using them to get a point across. But she felt trapped. Mulciber's lips pulled back over his teeth and he produced his wand, holding it up loosely.

"No need to get angry, Evans. We don't bite," Mulciber trilled soothingly. He glanced at Avery, as if thinking. "Much." He added with another sick smile, stepping closer. Avery snorted, still swinging his wand. Lily clenched her hand in her pocket, as she took another involuntary step back. He was backing her into a corner, and she wasn't doing anything about it, where was her training?

"Where's Severus?" she asked sharply, trying to distract their attention. Her stomach lurched again; she had a horrible, aching feeling, her head was spinning. She was in a bad situation; she couldn't see a way out, and she felt like screaming at the top of her lungs. Mulciber giggled.

"'Sev? Sev, where are you?'" he mimicked in a high pitched voice. "Snape won't be joining us tonight." Mulciber clarified non-chalantly. Lily's eyes were focused on his twirling wand, she refused to step back again, but he was still stepping forward. "He lured you up here so we could teach you a lesson."

Lily gave a derisive snort and shifted her feet, straightening her shoulders a bit. She showed more courage than she actually felt and glared at both Mulciber and Avery in turn.

"I wouldn't think you'd risk another month's detention, Mulciber." She said tightly, moving forward. "And I'm not in the mood for one of your lessons." She added sharply. Avery pointed his want ad her lazily when she moved forward and she had hers out so fast he looked a bit surprised when the red disarming spell shot out of it. He managed to keep his wand somehow, and Lily in turn found herself wandless and shoved back against the cold stone wall of the tower, Mulciber's thick hand pressed against her neck and collarbone painfully. She kicked her legs and struggled, screaming wandless summoning charms in her head. Over Mulciber's shoulder, her wand was twitching towards her in Avery's hand, but the spell was too weak. Lily's foot connected with Mulciber's leg and he hissed, she yelled at him angrily, and he covered her mouth. She bit the palm of his hand.

"This," he snapped angrily, "is exactly the kind of disrespect we're tired of, coming from you upstart Mudbloods." he jerked his head towards the door and Avery pointed his wand at it, muttering, and took his place leaning against it again. Mulciber uncovered Lily's mouth, looking with disgust at the teeth marks on his hand, and reached down, scraping his jagged nails up her thigh under her skirt. Lily shrieked and kicked viciously, flashes of Mary McDonald's face appearing in her mind. Mulciber jerked her leg and wrapped it around his waist; her muscles protested at the position and she clenched her teeth, twisting, trying to escape from him.

"Let me go," she gasped. She struck out with her hand palm and smacked him across the face, he grabbed her by the wrist and twisted it to the breaking point, pinning it against the wall behind her; her eyes watered with pain. "Let me _go_ you fucking bastard!" Lily screamed, fear starting to paralyze her. She could feel panic setting in, she was out of control, no one knew she was up here, and suddenly the room seemed smaller, and there was less air in it. Avery was laughing by the door, and Mulciber had his wand out again, a sadistic grin on his face. Tight, leather strips bound the wrist he was holding to the wall, and he released her arm, putting his wand in his teeth to hold it. Lily jerked desperately at the straps but they wouldn't budge; Mulciber's hand was under her skirt now, rough fingers grasping at fabric, yanking clothing away.

Lily gasped for air. She knew what he was going to do, and she twisted from side to side, shaking her head back and forth, choking on her own air. Hot tears burned in her eyes and she kicked out with her knees, her feet, trying to get him back off of her, but he was too close. Her back was pressed to tightly against the wall, the stone was digging into her spine and her shoulder blades, and every move she made stretched the muscles in the leg he had around his waist more. The monster was _laughing_.

She felt his fingers under her skirt, between her legs, running over her. She screamed and clawed him across the face with her unbounded hand; he slapped her, hard, her head whiplashed to the side. He put his lips close to her ear, his breath hot, and his voice low and menacing.

"Respect your betters, Evans." He growled, pushing her up. Her shirt dragged up and the wall scraped her back, she whimpered and tried again to lash at him with her free hand, but he grabbed it and moved it to his waist, grinning when he registered the horror in her wide green eyes. He let go of her hand and jerked her leg harder, until she felt him underneath her skirt. He leveled his eyes with her, barking a laugh. "Do you like it rough, Miss Evans?" he asked, in a voice that chilled Lily to the bone. He shoved his hand against her shoulder and slammed her back against the wall his head falling backwards as he thrust into her with a groan.

Lily screamed, her throat burning. She couldn't stop the choking sob or the flood of tears that spilled over onto her cheeks. She was ripping; Mulciber laughed gleefully, he thrust again and she shrieked, panic overwhelming her. She wasn't getting air, she was dizzy and throbbing and her heart was pounding so hard it hurt. She tried again to twist, to struggle away, but he just went harder, faster, grunting and moaning. He put his hand up her shirt, pressing his hand against her breast. His breath was hot, disgusting, and he was panting. Lily turned her head away, away from him and Avery, who was watching from the door. She didn't want to see his face, his hand in his pants, or the face of her attacker. Struggling only made him more eager, and every time her back hit the wall, she could only bite her lip, trying to muffle her shrieks and pray it was over.

Her wrist released suddenly and he pulled her down on the floor, his full weight falling on top of her and crushing her; Lily groaned as her head banged against the stone floor, not hard enough to knock her out, unfortunately. Mulciber lifted himself on his arms on either side of her and thrust hard, twice, and collapsed on her with a shudder, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.

He grinned at her, that sadistic smile burning into her eyes until she knew she'd be seeing it in her nightmares for the rest of her life, and pushed himself off her, glancing over at Avery pointedly. Avery left the room, no doubt going to check the corridors. Mulciber bent back down and pushed his hand up Lily's thigh, his fingers digging into her where she was sensitive. She moaned, her voice too weak to scream.

"You didn't tell me you were a _virgin_, Evans," he mocked gleefully. Lily closed her eyes, tears threatening to overwhelm her again.

When she opened them again, he was gone, the door was shut, and she was lone in the astronomy tower. Her wand was on the floor by the door. Lily struggled to sit up, her back and below sore, blood trickling out of her nose and over her lips. Her shoulders shook and she looked around her dully. Flashes assaulted her and she closed her eyes, moaning to herself. She couldn't see the room, couldn't remember. She had to get out of here, before the walls closed in on her.

The moment she reached the top of the stairs in the dorm, got into her room, and slammed the bathroom door behind her, she leaned over the sink and vomited violently, until her stomach was heaving and she had nothing left to eject. She braced herself on the sink and leaned over it, her hair falling around her face in scraggly curtains, blood still dry on her lips. Her wrists were shaking too hard to support her for long and she sank down against the opposite wall, pulling her knees up to her chest tightly, and leaning her head back against the wall.

She started to cry, so violently that she couldn't hear or see, she only knew that she was numb and scared and hurt, and she didn't want anyone to look at her again because she didn't want them to _know, _she didn't want them to _see_ what he'd done.

She crawled over to the shower, her eyes still blurry, her shoulders still heaving, and turned on the showerhead, the water on the hottest temperature it could reach. When she stumbled into the shower and sat down under the scalding mist of water, she let it soak through her robes and clothes, ignoring the blistering burn, and tried to wash it all away.

* * *

**All right, I'd REALLY like feedback on this chapter, just to gauge the reaction, so pleas go press that cute little purple button right below down there...go on, you want to. **

**alexa**


	4. Madness

**A/N: **Well, I was going to wait longer to upload this chapter, but I just couldn't leave ya hanging ;). Thanks, once again, for the reviews.

Proceed to story.

* * *

**Chapter Four**

She didn't go to class the next morning. She sat against the door in the bathroom, staring in front of her almost catatonically, her hair long dried but still knotted and disarrayed, her eyes staring and red, wrapped in a faded pink robe, her legs drawn up to her chest. For the first time in seven years, Lily Evans skipped class. She gazed blankly in front of her, long unable to cry any more, and ignored breakfast, charms, and half of defense against the dark arts. Her body had gone numb hours ago; she didn't feel the hard door against her spine anymore or the tiled floor under her tailbone, she didn't even feel the aching in her muscles or the throbbing anywhere else, but her head ached, and her eyes were heavy—she didn't dare close them, for fear of what she'd see behind the lids.

She couldn't remember what jolted her from her comatose state, but she reached up, grasped the edge of the sink, and pulled herself up, her legs tingling and unsteady from being scrunched in the same position so unbearably long, among other things. She didn't look in the mirror; she turned her back to the murderous glass and jerked the door open, slamming it behind her like something was chasing her out of the lavatory. She didn't want to _see._

She jerked the robe around properly and tied it around her waist; the trick was keeping her mind blank. Doing something. She'd asserted that, with her thinking it over in the hours in the bathroom, yet even though that was the strategy she'd come up with, she couldn't bring herself to leave the room, to face stumbling through a day. It had been infinitely easier to hide. To lock herself away as she tried to lock _it_ away.

She stepped away from the door, hugging herself, looking around the room. The small clock on her bedside table told her it was after ten, half way through Defense. _Get dressed. Too late to go_. _Wait for Lunch. Excuse?_ Broken thoughts drifted through her mind, trying to propel her into motion. It was eerie, how her mind threw these unconnected things into the open, anything to keep anything scary chained in the black of her mind, the place where she put everything unsavory—a place, until now, only occupied with things like broken bones, or horrible fights with Petunia. Oh, what she'd give for a great _row_ with Petunia over…_this_.

She had to go. Missing the first classes could be explained, maybe, with a bit of skepticism on the part of her friends, but Lily Evans skiving off an entire day of school would not go over no matter what happened. They knew her too well. She would die first. _Excuses_. She moved over to the desk and picked up the hairbrush she'd left there, lifting it to her hair mechanically. She stopped when she noticed her school bag was not on the chair where she customarily left it. Turning slowly, the memory of leaving it, along with a Potions paper and book, on the table downstairs before patrol returned to her, and she gripped the hairbrush tighter, moving towards the door. She was moving like a robot, the colors around her looked dull, and she shook her head, trying to grasp some strings of normalcy. _Get it together, Lil. _But was there anything left to get together? She bit her lip and pulled open the door, swallowing. She took a chunk of hair and started to run the brush through the tangled ends as she stepped slowly down the stairs_. _She'd put her foot on the third-to-bottom step when she realized how neglectful she'd been.

"That's fucking bull, Potter, you can't do that! REMUS TELL HIM!"

"No, cheating James."

"Oh, yeah, take his side, you mangy animal, I didn't cheat, you git, I merely nudged my pawn to the side while you were otherwise occupied—"

"Bloody hell, _EVANS_?"

Sirius Black's strangled, shocked yell was possibly the worst thing she could have encountered at that moment. She stood on the stairs, the brush still in her hair, looking with horror into the common area, where all four marauders sat playing wizard's chess. She resisted the urge to bolt back up the stairs in tears, and the next urge to vomit. James swiveled around at his friend's exclamation; his jaw dropped and his black eyebrows shot up into his messy forelock.

"I think hell froze over!" he yelled gleefully, his shocked look quickly turning into an amused grin.

"Pigs are _flying_!" Sirius added, reaching across the game board to whack James in the head. "You're such a _bad_ influence, you prick, you've got Evans skipping _class_!" he reprimanded in mock seriousness, shaking his finger. Remus Lupin was looking at her calmly, less rambunctious than the other two, and his brow furrowed. Lily realized he was about to say something, and her mind immediately saved her the fumbling explanation by starting on the offensive.

"You're supposed to be in class." She said, jerking the brush out of her tangles and letting her arm fall to her side. The instant she said it, she wanted to take it back.

"So are you, Evans." Sirius whipped back, looking a little confused. "At least, I always thought, being at school, you were supposed to attend class…" he trailed off with an innocent shrug.

"Why aren't you then?" Lily fired back. Anything to distract them from noticing how awful her appearance was.

"Like we need to go to Defense." Scoffed James, rolling his eyes. Sirius looked down at the chess board and back up at Lily.

"Hey, you know, let me ask you, you're all smartical and stuff, is it legal to casually flick a pawn at another player's king so the king falls over and the other guy loses? Just, you know, give an unbiased answer, and we can get on—"

"Hey," James interrupted, looking intently at Lily. "What happened to your cheek?" he asked. Lily reached up unconsciously; she hadn't looked in the mirror, she didn't know what it looked like, meaning she didn't know how to blow it off.

"What?" she asked instead, feigning innocence. Her voice was a bit higher, sounded panicky to her. She wanted to get out; she couldn't believe she hadn't checked first to see if they were here, when they were _always_ here. She felt like the cornered animal again, like the trapped prey, and that feeling was bad, it was panic rushing through her veins.

"It's red," he said slowly. "Like someone hit you." He didn't give her time to answer. "Did someone hit you?" he demanded. "Because seriously, Evans, I'll shove Peter up their ass." He said darkly, narrowing his eyes. Lily managed to fake a laugh, though it sounded hysterical. Remus gave her a funny look, and she focused on not looking at him. She took a few steps into the common room.

"Slipped," she muttered, loud enough for it to be heard, but in a way that they might figure she was embarrassed about it, and not suspect she was lying. "In the shower."

Sirius actually giggled.

"Maybe Prongsie should supervise your, er, wash-time from now on, he could hold you up in the hot, steamy—" James Potter dived across the room, scattering chess pieces and Peter Pettigrew in the process, and tackled Sirius mid-innuendo. Lily ignored the shouts and curses coming from the middle of the room and hurriedly swept her things off the table in the corner where office supplies were. She spared a glance for the marauders; Sirius had dived behind poor Peter and was using him as a human shield while James jabbed his wand into various parts of his body. Remus had stopped following her with his eyes to stick his foot in the middle and try to break it up. Lily all but darted back up the stairs.

"—because you punch like a damn girl—"

"— face looks like Snivellus's arse—"

"--kill you for that, except now you've admitted to seeing his arse—"

A loud bang followed that and Lily contributed to the noise by slamming her door full force and throwing her things on the bed, breathing heavily. Her hands shook and she reached up to touch her cheeks, knowing her face was probably pale. They knew. They knew she'd skipped class, they were down there, blocking her easy escape from the dorm, impeding her plan to blend easily into lunch and let Susanna and Sasha tell curious people the bland excuse she was going to cook up…they'd be telling it all over school, that she'd been lounging around in her bathrobe, doing nothing. Worst of all, they knew she was up here now.

Was it at all possible for the room to get any smaller? She pressed her palms against the sides of her head and closed her eyes. Bad idea. She opened her eyes wide when _his_ face flashed behind her lids, and her stomach clenched again. Desperate to stop the hysteria that swirled around her, Lily ran into the bathroom and picked her wand up from the floor, pressing it against her temple and muttering until the soothing charm took effect and she could breathe again. She didn't close her eyes this time, but took in three deep breaths and let them out slowly, turning to the mirror.

The circles under her eyes were so dark, the whites of her eyes bloodshot. Her hair was disheveled; no surprise there, and she hadn't been wrong assuming the paleness of her face. Instantly, the thought of heavy make-up sprang into her mind, but immediately after her appearance provided her with an iron-clad excuse: _She wasn't feeling well_.

It was almost a sigh of relief that blew through her lips, as she clutched her wand in her fist and still glared at her abominable reflection. She focused on the spot James had noticed and touched it gingerly; it was sore. And it did stand out, not bruised, but red nonetheless, and she was hard-pressed to believe they'd accepted she got it from 'falling in the shower'. She pulled some powder out of a make-up bag on the back of the toilet and dusted it over, downplaying the redness until it looked like a slight flush. Small tasks and no thinking. And don't close your eyes.

She applied herself to those things instantly. She was in her oxford shirt and wool skirt when there was a tap on her door. She froze and stared at it like the loch ness monster had just entered her boudoir, actually afraid to open it.

"Lily?"

She breathed out. Remus. He wasn't too scary to open the door for, and she complied to doing it, but only opened it a crack.

"Here," he said, holding her hairbrush through the crack. She heard a sharp yelp from down stairs, but Remus ignored it with a roll of his pale gray eyes. "Um, are you okay?" he sounded a little shy, but that wasn't out of the ordinary. "You look sick." Lily forced a small smile and nodded a little.

"I'm fine. I don't—yeah, I'm a little down." She said, non-committal. He nodded and turned around; she wasted no time in shutting the door. Turning around, she looked at the clock again. Ten-thirty. Lunch. She'd wait until lunch. She'd wait until they left, and then get to her friends first, as she knew exactly where they'd be meeting to either find her or talk about her absence. Lily walked over to the bed and picked up her black robe, turning it over to run her thumb over the cool Head Girl's badge. Her hand shook.

* * *

James and Sirius stopped their fight to the death when they heard the resounding slam of the door, and, completely tangled in each other, looked towards the stairs in surprise, as Remus was just walking away from them towards his spot in the armchair, and they hadn't seen him move.

"Hey, where'd she go?" asked James, a bit of a whine in his voice. Sirius shoved him off and sat up, dusting his robes off primly.

"Maybe the idea of you gazing moonstruck at Snape's arse frightened her away!" he said petulantly.

"Or maybe it was your oh-so-classy comment about me making love to her in the shower." James retorted sarcastically. They were both silent, and looked at Remus. He looked back, perplexed.

'That was fucking weird." Sirius commented bluntly.

"James saying 'making love' or Lily skipping class?" Remus asked, looking genuinely confused. James gave him an annoyed look, Sirius and appreciative once.

"Lily skipping class." Peter clarified obliviously, as if the question seriously needed to be answered. Sirius rolled his eyes at the smaller boy, and turned back to his clearly more mentally equipped friends. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Maybe she had a late night." He suggested, a sly look on his face. James scowled.

"Shut-up, Padfoot." He mumbled.

"_Ooooo_ well. I forgot no one's allowed to touch Lily but his majesty the sexually starved Head Boy." Sirius mocked, holding up his hands defensively. James whacked him in the head; Sirius pouted, looking outraged.

"_You're_ the one who said she didn't come back 'til, like midnight after patrol when we asked why she wasn't around for us to give a morning tease to." He whined.

"I just said I heard her stomping around. I didn't say—"

"Oh, come off it Prongs. She's a pretty girl." Sirius rolled his eyes at his delusional mate. James scowled and muttered to himself.

"I think she looked sick." He said, as if he was trying to comfort himself.

"Yeah," snorted Sirius, "sick with _looooovvveeeee_." He trilled obnoxiously. Remus sighed as James again dived at the laughing teenager across the room, and looked at Peter exasperatedly. Peter shook his head. They were hopeless.

Susanna Farris leaned against the stairwell in the lobby outside the great hall, biting the tip of her nail, looking around over the other student's heads sharply. She clutched her books to her side in one hand, one leg bent behind her to support her. She stood off from the crowds, so Sirius Black and his gang didn't notice her as they whipped past, looking as if they were having some kind of race. She was tempted to yell after Potter, ask him about Lily, but something told her Lily may not want Potter involved. Susanna sighed in frustration and was about to go in search of Lily in her dorm when her russet-haired friend appeared on the stairs, her eyes scanning the crowd. Susanna hoisted her bag on her shoulder and ran up the stairs to meet Lily, not wanting to yell her name and draw attention. Lily not being in two classes had _already_ drawn some attention.

"Lily," she said at normal volume, when she was standing on the stair before her friend. She looked relieved. "Where have you _been_?"

Lily looked at her for a minute before responding, and Susanna took in her appearance, then raised her eyebrow, looking back to Lily's bottle green eyes.

"I didn't feel well." Lily said softly, stepping onto Susanna's stair. Susanna turned to fall into step with her and nodded, her eyebrow still high.

"Obviously." She muttered. She thought better, and back tracked. "I mean you look ill. Ugh, sorry." She apologized, realizing her comment had come out rather rude.

'It's fine." Lily said at the same volume, looking ahead. Susanna glanced sideways at her and then looked ahead, thinking something more was up. She was about to grab Lily and turn her right back around when Andromeda spotted them. She met them at the bottom of the stairs, looking anxious.

"Jesus, are you okay?" she asked. Lily nodded. Andromeda rolled her eyes and grabbed Lily's elbow, practically dragging her into the hall. She slammed her down on a bench and swung her own leg over, straddling the bench next to Lily and glaring at her. "You realize we thought you had _died_? Or something?" she demanded, glaring expectantly at Lily.

Susanna sat down on the other side of Lily, snorting.

"Lay off, Andy." She said mildly.

"I felt sick." Lily said. She heard herself sounding mechanical, and flinched inwardly. She had to get better at this. Andromeda threw her hands up.

"So that story about seventh year apathy is true, even for the perfect Lily Evans. Honey, in third year, you came to Care of Magical Creatures with the Stomach Flu!" Andromeda groaned. Lily could have slapped her for remembering that.

"I figured I deserved a little break." She said, a bit sharply. Andromeda shrugged, looking like she really couldn't argue.

"Still not like you." She muttered, turning to grab a goblet off the table. A blonde girl across the table was staring at her, and spoke up when she reached for the drink.

"You're not a Gryffindor." She said, almost condescendingly.

"What are you, likea fifth year? I'm your elder. Shut the hell up." Responded Andromeda. The other girl flipped her hair and right away turned to her friend and started talking. Andromeda looked at Susanna and Lily. "When did they get so annoying?" she asked loudly, so the other girl could hear. Lily shrugged, and turned to her food. She stared at it, not sure if she could eat. She didn't feel like eating. She felt listless. Susanna was watching her.

"Go see Madam Pomfrey, Lily." She suggested, watching her closely. Lily shook her head and picked up her fork appeasingly.

"I'm not that sick." She said, sounding to herself a bit like a wronged child. Andromeda gave her a weird look and Susanna raised an eyebrow. She was sick enough to miss class, but not sick enough for the hospital wing.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Susanna asked lightly, turning to her own food. Lily froze a little.

"What?" she asked. Susanna took a bite of her food and chewed, looking at ease.

"Nothing," she said slowly, turning again to look at Lily, "except I know you better than that."

Lily couldn't stand her staring anymore. It felt too much like she could _see_. Tears in her throat. Lily dropped her fork and stood up; people turned to look at her, a few of them muttering.

"Stop being so self-righteous, Suze." She barked, wanting to take it back the minute she said it. Susanna looked at her coolly. Lily turned and marched out of the hall, her lips pressed together, trying not to burst into tears again.

"Evans! Hey, come on, EVANS!" she ignored whichever marauder was yelling her name and kept a straight path out of the hall. She didn't noticed Susanna had calmly followed her until she stopped and heard footsteps stop behind her.

"Yes? Come to babysit me?" she asked sharply, uncharacteristically. She turned around, rubbing her forehead. "Sorry." She muttered, looking at Susanna. Susanna looked at her searchingly, her arms folded over her chest. She relaxed her face after a minute, and stepped closer, tucking hair behind her ear.

"_I'm_ sorry, Lily. I've just been…off, lately." She said, shaking her head. Lily nodded, accepting the apology. Susanna continued after a pause. "But if there's some other reason, you know, you can—"

"I was _sick_, Susanna. And I just..I guess I was 'off', too." Lily cut in. "Next time I'll warn you guys." She added, attempting humor. Susanna still didn't look convinced. Lily groaned inwardly. She should have thought about this. Susanna wasn't stupid. And she did know Lily better than anyone else in the world. Bile rose in Lily's throat, and her eyes burned, she blinked casually to hide tears. She didn't know what stopped her from telling Susanna, when Susanna had told her the biggest secret she possessed, the Sirius Thing, but Lily's thing just…wouldn't come out. It was too dirty. Too shameful. "I'll go see Madam Pomfrey later, after Transfiguration. Maybe some Pepper-up potion would help." She added, desperate to get Susanna satisfied.

Susanna sighed and unfolded her arms.

"You wanna go back to lunch?" she asked. Lily shook her head, and Susanna looked as if she'd expected that. "Avoiding Sasha?" she asked knowingly. A nod from Lily. Susanna smiled and started to walk. Lily followed. They were silent for a moment, Lily inwardly praying she wouldn't have to talk. She felt so translucent, so exposed, and every time she opened her mouth she felt like they could hear her pleading for _him_ to stop, though she said everyday vocabulary.

Susanna was walking towards the exit, and when they got outside the castle into the bright sunshine, she veered towards the benches in the courtyard and sat down, slinging her arm over the back of one and looking off towards the lake. Lily stood, the experience of sitting on the bench in lunch having reminded her of how painful it was.

"I told Black I'd go to Hogsmeade with him." She said. Susanna looked up at her, squinting in the sun. Lily remembered Sirius's vulgar taunts from the morning and resisted the urge to wrinkle her nose. "I figured if I said no, it really would make me a slut." She said drily, by way of justification. The irony of her 'dating' Sirius was one of the highest, as she and Lily had always been head of the 'look down on the marauders and refuse to kiss their feet' club.

"You're not a slut, Susanna." Lily said quietly. The word suddenly sounding so painful in her ears, when she thought of it. She thought of herself, of last night, and pushed the thoughts away violently, before the hyperventilating could start. She wasn't…she _wasn't_.

"I keep telling myself that." Susanna responded. "Sasha's having a field day with it; today's just been lovely for her. Me agreeing to a date with the moron of the century and you skipping class, it's like fucking Christmas for her."

Lily nodded, knowing full well what Susanna meant. God knows she loved Sasha to death, they both did, but she wasn't a person you wanted around when you'd done something out of character, like the two of them. Sasha was a loyal friend and a fierce defender, but she took most things as one big joke.

"I think I'm being dragged along with the rest of them. The stooges, or whatever the muggle thing is." She joked, looking at Lily for confirmation. Lily just smiled a little and nodded, validating the reference. "I'll _persuade_ Potter to leave you alone." She added, with a smirk. Lily actually smiled a little, thinking of Susanna's talented way of 'persuading' others.

"Lily," Susanna started hesitantly. She paused and licked her lips. "Just…when you want to tell me what's making you _sick_…anytime, okay?"

Again, the generic nod. Lily realized right then she wasn't going to get away with this for long. The tears welled up in her eyes again; she contemplated the struggle Susanna must have gone through to be able to confess what she'd done to Lily, and Lily knew, she _knew_ what she was supposed to do. How she was supposed to handle this. She was supposed to do what Mary McDonald did. She was supposed to be brave. But _it_ was all in the blackness. Every time her conscious slipped towards it, her mind threw other things in the way. Block.

"Susie," she said hoarsely, her throat locked up. Susanna looked up that second, her eyes sharp and alert. She heard the catch in her friends' voice immediately, and stood up, stepping closer to Lily.

"What is it?" she muttered, putting her arm on Lily's shoulder. Lily swallowed.

"I—noth—never—" Lily broke off suddenly, looking over Susanna's slim shoulder with wide eyes. Susanna looked at her quizzically and then turned her head, not taking her eyes off Lily until the last moment. She narrowed her eyes icily. Severus Snape had walked around the corner, his potions book open in his hands.

Lily felt her throat constrict, and her stomach again lurch and clench uncomfortably, as the crumpled piece of parchment with his spidery writing flared up before her eyes and she sharply remembered exactly what had brought her to the Astronomy Tower in the first place. As if he read her mind, Severus looked up, and when his eyes made contact with her, he blanched, and dropped his book, leaving it splayed open at his feet. Lily stood, rooted to the spot. _Him_. He _knew_. He wasn't there, but he knew, he'd helped, he'd known before. The world went silent, except for the buzzing in her ears, and she felt betrayal, hate, shame—she knew exactly what a knife to the back felt like.

"This has something to do with _him_?" She vaguely heard Susanna ask softly, sharply. Susanna glanced from Snape to Lily, then did a double take. "Lil?"

Lily's world started to spin; her head pounded, like a million pins were flying into her skull. She swallowed the disgusting taste in her mouth, and again, vaguely, heard Susannah calling. The more the world tilted, the more urgent Susanna was.

"Lily. _Lily_. _LI_-"

The ground collided with her.

The first thing she saw when she opened her eyes was a bright light, causing her to immediately shut her eye again and jerk her head away. Someone touched her head soothingly and made a _tsking_ noise. She hesitantly opened her eyes again, and was facing a maroon curtain; she was in the hospital wing. She rolled her head back; Madam Pomfrey was bent over her with her tongue between her lips, and Susanna was perched on the end of the bed.

"Welcome back, Miss Evans," said Pomfrey briskly, setting the light-shining instrument back on the table next to the bed. Lily sat up, and Pomfrey didn't protest, so nothing horrible could have happened, but she had to work hard to push down the panic that set in at being in the hospital wing. She voiced her concern:

"What…happened?" she questioned tentatively.

"You passed out, dearie." Pomfrey informed her, handing her a glass of water. Lily took it and raised it to her lips slowly, but took a drink when she realized they were both watching her. Wary as she was, she couldn't help but think how real this hospital visit would make her 'sick' story seem. "You're exhausted, as well." Madame Pomfrey put her hands on her hips. "What on earth has you so stressed this early?" she asked in exasperation.

"I just," Lily paused, searching for something to say that wouldn't induce more questions. "I lose track of time."

Madam Pomfrey sighed and shook her head.

"Must I constantly tell you kids to get some sleep? Never you mind, no one listens." She muttered, turning her back on Lily and picking up her things. "You're free to go Miss Evans, just remember to get some sleep." Pomfrey reprimanded. She bustled away, clanging around in her office. Lily set the glass of water down and threw the covers off.

"You don't think you should rest a bit?" Susanna asked skeptically, folding her arms again. Lily felt like crying again, she felt trapped again, she wanted to get out, away.

"I'm going back to the dorm." She said, her voice even sounding desperate. Susann looked exasperated.

"Lily, honestly, will you just—"

"Let me go, Susanna, I'm _fine_. I'm not a child." Lily pleaded. Susanna got up and followed her out o the infirmary, walking fast until she got to the stairs, and stopping there. Lily turned around a few stairs up and looked at her pleadingly again. "I'm fine." She repeated. Wow. Now she was really trying to convince herself.

"I'll tell people you're sick." Susanna answered, still looking upset, and a little angry. She looked at Lily for a minute longer, then uncrossed her arms and again let them hang, giving up. "Anytime, Lil." She said again, and turned to go.

Lily whipped around and ran up the stairs, losing her control on about the second floor staircase.

She passed a few younger kids in the hall, who got out of her way, looking a bit scared. She focused only on getting back to the dorm, on slamming her door behind her and never, _ever_ coming out this time. She was on the third floor, gripping a railing, going towards the staircase, almost breathing in relief at being so close to her destination. When she leapt off the stairs onto the fourth floor corridor, she stopped for a moment and swept at her eyes, trying to look decent just in case the marauders had reconvened in what was apparently their sanctuary now. She took a shaky, deep breath, and stepped forward when she was grabbed at the elbow and whirled around.

She screamed so loudly when she saw his face that he didn't have time to react; he hit her after she was already done, and the grin that she'd seen there was already gone into a murderous scowl.

"_Bad_ idea, Evans." Mulciber growled, digging his nails into her flesh through the robe. She stood motionless in petrified fear for the moment, able to do nothing but whimper. "What a nice surprise for me." Mulciber chanted conversationally. She scuffled her feet. "Aren't you supposed to be in class?" Lily jerked away violently and got out of his grasp, but when she started to move, his hand had grabbed a chunk full of her red hair and snapped her back.

"Please!" she cried, tears running down her face. "_Please_," she whimpered, quieter, desperately.

"And now I've got you begging for it," was his only reply.

* * *

**A/N: **I start school tomorrow, sophomore year! Consider that my warning that updates may not be so frequent, and since this chapter was up so fast after the last, I'm giving myself a bit more time to post the next. **ATTENTION: **I see that' i've got a LOT of hits on this story, and also, i msut remind you that when you favorite it or something like that, I get a notification. So please, please reveiw and tell me what you think. I'd really like 10 reveiws this time; I usually get about 5. Thanks ;)

Alexa


	5. Pray for Peace

**A/N: **Ok, first off, I'll apologize for the long wait. School started, there were issuse, Gemoetry is HARD, and I've been a bit stressed already. In an attempt to make-up for the wait, I made this chapter much longer than intended. Hope it gives me my redemtption? Second, a thanks to all my reveiwers, you're lovely, and please, keep 'em coming!

Thirdly, there's a bit of a time jump. Nothing big, say about 3 weeks, and it's not significant or shocking, because I personally hate most time jumps except short ones. Just to give you a heads up, so there's no confusion.

fourthly; ENJOY.

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Lily gasped and squeezed her eyes shut tightly as the scalding water hit the tender skin of her back. She bit her lip, and forced herself to stand under the pounding spray of the shower until the burn became somewhat bearable. She tasted coppery blood in her mouth from biting down so hard on her lip; swallowing it jolted her empty stomach but didn't make her sick—there was nothing left in her stomach to expel. The steaming water soaked through her hair, burning her scalp, too hot everywhere, but only when the water was this boiling—that concept of extreme heat killing germs—did she feel somewhat, marginally _clean_. She didn't use soap, not now, not while she was dazed and in mental chaos, she would sit in the bathtub later, soap bubbles dying around her, staring with glazed, contemplating eyes at the razor that would sit on the edge of the tub, the place it rested when she wasn't shaving. But not now. Now she had to be scourged.

Again, she didn't know how long she stood under the water. She lost track of time, of space whenever this happened, she couldn't remember how she'd gotten back, and her mind would again start those tricks, throwing things up. She felt so out of control sometimes she didn't know how she was getting through the days. The _days_. Every day was a torment, a nightmare of wondering what she'd see when she turned the corner, of asking herself whether she turned that corner on patrol, would he be there. She was scared of her shadow, of anyone who looked at her or came up on her without warning. She wanted to lock herself in this room and never leave, stay buried, safe, where he couldn't touch her, ruin her, shame her.

Her behavior wasn't going unnoticed and it was panicking her. She wasn't sleeping. Even with makeup hiding the most of the dark, vampire-like circles under her eyes, she couldn't help the drooping of her eyelids, the fatigue, but she couldn't go to sleep. She was too afraid to sleep. The few nights she'd gotten of shut-eye had ended in graphic nightmares that were interrupted by screaming, her own screams waking her up. She saw his face, like it was tattooed on her eyelids. Heard his mocking, vulgar voice in her ears, every hand that touched her was his. When Susanna or Sasha reached out to hug her, or tap her, she had to use all the will in her body not to leap away in fright. She was slacking on work, she'd noticed a few frowns from teachers when handing her work back, no spoken reprimands, but she was well on her way to drawing attention to herself. Susanna was anxious, not prying, but she wasn't an idiot either. She knew something was wrong, and she was hurt Lily wouldn't entrust her with it. Sasha was herself, though maybe more subdued, and worried about her friend. She didn't know if they whispered about her, she didn't listen to whispers. She was too afraid of what she'd hear from other lips if she did, she didn't want to know if he was telling…telling them all.

Worst of all was James. She lived with James. It was necessary for her to spend time in the common area, working, doing something, but when he was there he was watching her. Scrutinizing her, it seemed, and she felt like he could see through her clothes and her skin and watch the horror movie playing in her head. He bantered, he asked her out, he played his games, and his marauders lolled around the apartment with him, but she couldn't even keep it with him. Smart comments, all of them teasing about her getting 'seventh-year-slack' and giving up, inviting her to join their blow off classes club. She fought with James, viciously, a lot, and it left her feeling worse. She was angry and upset, scared and paranoid all the time, and she couldn't fix it and she was losing grip on hiding it. She felt like she was drowning.

_Spread your legs, Mudblood._

She winced, turning the shower up full force, the water slapping harder against the tile and her skin.

_No one else will touch you, slut._

She clapped her hands over her ears and slid to the floor, tears leaking out of her eyes and mixing with the water.

_I'll have you on your knees._

_Such a pretty little Mudblood bitch._

_Scream for me. Let me hear you scream._

Lily screamed over the sound of the shower, not caring if someone might hear her in the common area, trying violently to block the sound of his rasping, horrid voice out of her head. She broke off with a sob, her throat sore, the water turning cool on her as the heat gave way under its harsh use and alerted her that her scourging time was up. She got out of the shower breathing hard, and snatched a towel off the rack, wrapping it around herself. She used the edge to smear a clean spot in the foggy mirror and turned around, lowering the fluffy towel a little to look at her back. Her red hair was splayed like dark blood against her back, matted and tangled, water running off her quickly. She swept it away with one hand and revealed the mess. The skin was red, raw in some places, scratched long from the shoulder to the middle of the spine. Dragged across the jagged, stone floor of the boy's bathroom this time, jerked against the wall.

She'd almost given up fighting back, it didn't hurt as much if she was just still, if she just held her tears and didn't say a word, let him finish. But he was ruthless some days, in a hurry the other. She'd fought today. He'd left her alone for nearly a week, five days this time, and the more she had to think about it, the more her sense started to creep back. When he'd caught up to her, gripped her before dinner, when she was coming out of a conference with Professor Slughorn about an essay she'd missed the turn-in date on, she'd fought back. No matter how long she managed to hold her wand, he knew magic she hadn't seen. Things that hurt. Made her see things, things like her parents or her friends, watching, taunting her. Avery was always there, watching the door, grinning his lazy, sarcastic grin.

She pulled the towel back up around her, wrapping it tight and tucking the extra fabric into the folds up front. She left the musty bathroom; again feeling like her reflection was chasing her out. She pulled the door shut behind her, letting it slam a little, and the resulting sound made her jump. She bit her lip again, the already raw spot there smarting when her teeth dug into it, and took a shaky breath.

She heard a small, embarrassed cough, and when she looked up, leapt backwards and shrieked, widening her eyes. Her hand jerked instinctively for her wand before she realized it was James, standing next to her nightstand with his hand on a book that lay there, looking red and flustered. Though he was by no means a welcome visitor in her room when she was all but naked, he wasn't the person she'd first thought of, and again she drew her breath in again shakily, putting her hand up to her chest.

"Potter," she managed, strangled, with a bit of a growl to her voice. James looked up, scratched his head, and looked back down, mumbling unintelligibly. Lily tightened the towel and stood resolutely against the wall, intensely aware of how exposed she was, trying to inventory all her scars and bruises and shift to hide them.

"'M sorry, Evans—Lily, I-"

"What are you doing in here?" she snapped, hysteria in her voice. She was grateful, though it amazed her, that her outrage and anger was still with her, though now it flared up on innocent people at all the wrong times. But anger was control. It was a targeted emotion. She held onto it.

"You're door was open." James muttered, looking at her uncertainly.

"So you thought you'd walk in?" Lily demanded, latching onto the offensive. She didn't remember leaving the door open. Panic threatened to overwhelm her; how could she be so tactless? What had he _heard_?

"I heard you scream." He said a little more loudly, scratching his head again. His face got a little surer and he looked her in the eye. "I thought that was an okay reason to come make sure you didn't break your neck on soap." He said a bit angrily.

"And you waited on my bed? You didn't come bang on the door? Excellent plan to save my life." She retorted acidly, inching back towards the door a bit more.

"Look, Evans-"

"Now its back to 'Evans', I see, since you've not seen me naked." She hissed. She couldn't explain it, but she couldn't stand to hear him call her Evans. She didn't want it. It was impersonal and detached and suddenly sounded wrong coming from him. James looked furious.

"Fine, _your highness_. You think you'd be a little more grateful that I cared, ya know?" he said, starting towards the door. He slipped his hands coolly in his pocket, and she couldn't help throwing one last comeback at him.

"Because _you_ care so much, James Potter?" she snorted sarcastically, her face scowling. He stopped and spun around to her. When he grabbed her arm, she must have looked absolutely terrified, because he instantly released it, but he still leaned towards her, his eyes cold.

"Are you really that _stupid_, Lily?" he asked sharply, turning on his heel and leaving.

She leapt forward and slammed the door behind him, her shoulders shaking, her head whirling around his last comment. She stared at the solid wood of the door, breathing unevenly, angry and embarrassed and all kinds of other clashing emotions that she couldn't sort out and didn't know if she wanted to. He had no idea. Potter had _no _idea. She was supposed to believe him? After he'd chased her around for five years professing his undying love? She hadn't for one moment ever believed he was serious, that he ever cared beyond the fact that she was probably the only girl in the school not swooning all over him. But he hadn't been playing, just now. He'd come closer to outright yelling at her than ever. There was too much going on in her head, too much pain and injury inside and out. She turned her back to the door and walked across the room, curling up in an armchair by the window. She skipped dinner.

* * *

"Prongs, what the hell is the matter with you?" Sirius asked loudly, shoveling potatoes into his face and jamming his elbow into James's side. James reached over and flicked him in the head almost on reflex.

"OY!" Sirius yelped, outraged, pointing his fork at James threateningly. "You stop hitting me," he snapped, "or I'll stick something with prongs up your arse."

Remus rolled his eyes across the table and shook his head.

"Why are you two such idiots?" he asked. Sirius turned to him, still looking a bit miffed at James.

"Do you know how many times Grumpy-pants over hear has hit me today?" he demanded of Remus and Peter, looking indignant and expectant. James had the inkling this was all for his personal entertainment, but he just kept eating his food moodily.

"I don't generally keep score."

"TWELVE AND A HALF TIMES!" Sirius veritably roared. Peter squeaked and jumped, Sirius's volume having caught him off guard. Remus raised his eyebrow with a sort of smirk.

"How did he hit you twelve and a _half_ times?" he asked.

"He started to hit me but I blocked it with my mad skills and he accidentally pinched Peter. But it still counted, sort of." Sirius explained self-righteously. He shot James a wounded look and slumped away, turning big, sad dog eyes on Remus.

"Make him apologize."

"James, you should apologize." Remus said, shaking with laughter. James glared at him and rolled his eyes; he turned to Sirius.

"I didn't hit him though. He kept falling into my fist." He informed his friend. A smile of glee broke out over Sirius's face.

"He's BACK!" he cried, clapping James on the back excitedly and turning, satisfied, back to his mountain of food. Peter watched him eat slack-jawed, amazed at the amount of food Sirius could manage to shove in his mouth in one go. Remus stuffed a piece of paper he'd been looking over into his robe pocket and looked at James. James was picking grimly at his food, deep in thought; he looked like he was muttering to himself. Remus, being one not to harass people when they obviously preferred to be left alone, didn't say anything. He just kept covertly spying until Sirius interrupted by chucking a roll across the table and hitting him in the ear.

"Ooops!" Remus glared at Sirius, who shrugged with upturned palms in an innocent gesture.

"It's not my fault that Peter sucks at dinner roll quidditch." He whined. Peter protested in outrage, and Sirius kept flicking food items at him while he was trying to defend his dinner roll quidditch playing prowess.

"Do you guys think Evans has been acting funny?" James asked suddenly, looking up and expertly dodging Peter's green bean. Sirius stopped and looked at him, an eyebrow raised, hunched over and in the middle of flicking peas at a Ravenclaw girl across the aisle. He looked at James like he'd gone mad for a minute and went back to his pea-flicking.

"Evans is a funny girl." He responded with a shrug. James rolled his eyes and turned to Remus, silently asking the same question. Remus glanced down the table at Lily's friend Sasha; she was laughing as usually, but she was without Susanna, and Alice was sitting farther down with Frank, looking subdued. But then, he wasn't sure if Alice and Lily were very close, she he couldn't tell if she was reacting to Lily's erratic absence or something in her own life. He looked back to James hesitantly.

"Why are you asking?" he questioned, non-committal. James lived with her, after all. He'd know more than Remus or the others would. James glanced the same way Remus had, but for a shorter second.

"Come on, Moony. How many classes has she skipped in the past three weeks?" he asked impatiently. Remus shrugged. _Eleven. _He answered in his head. Of all of them, he'd been one who Lily was quite friendly to, when he wasn't with James or Sirius, especially in their fifth year when the both of them had been named prefects. He wasn't going to miss her suddenly slacking off in one of the most important years. Not the girl who'd gotten O's on every O.W.L except Transfiguration.

"I meant do you think you know something?" Remus clarified, tilting his head to the side a little. The girl at the Ravenclaw table had turned around and was screeching at Sirius across the hall; he blocked her out.

"Other than the obvious? Skipping class? She spends all her time in her room, she's almost vicious sometimes—she skips patrol." He added suddenly, as if that closed the case.

"How do you know she's not just having a little fun?"

"Come off it, Remus." James said darkly. "I just know, okay?"

"You know, Prongsies," Sirius said, turning around looking sheepish, apparently through with his war of the food products. "It's not exactly 'funny' for Evans to be vicious to you. I mean, 'funny' hilarious, yeah, but not 'funny' odd."

"Thank you for that enlightening statement, Oh-wise-one." James said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "She's not vicious just to _me_ anymore. I've heard her screaming at Farris in the dorm before, and the other day I went past the girl's bathroom on the fourth floor and she was fighting with Andromeda, too."

Sirius threw his head over his shoulder, his eyes scanning for his cousin up and down the Ravenclaw table. She was towards the end, with standing on the bench and hissing across the room at Ted Tonks. Sirius turned around.

"I don't think it fazed her." He commented. "Not after living with her mum for seventeen years. You could call Andy a cheap muggle whore and she'd hug you." Remus glared at Sirius in that how-can-you-be-such-an-idiot way and Sirius shrugged innocently again.

"She was screaming in her room today." James said dully. Remus chewed on his cheek thoughtfully, but Sirius started to smile, giving a wicked glance to Peter across the table.

"So this is _jealousy_, Prongs. You're just mad because tight little Evans is getting her jollies from some other guy—"

"Would you just shut the fuck up, Sirius?" James interrupted lividly. Sirius narrowed his eyes, his lips forming a tight line.

"What's gotten into you, mate? You can't take a damn joke any—"

"I'm tired of you joking about her being some kind of closet whore—"

"_Bullshit_, James, I don't know what your deal is lately but you're all wrapped up in Evan's issues—which you don't even know she has, and all you do is act like a self-righteous prick—"

"And you're such an angelic, selfless, lovely person, every moment of the day; there's something wrong with Evans, Sirius, and you're still immature enough to be chasing tail all over—"

"Have you ever thought it's not your fucking business, James? That she hates you and she doesn't want you around?" Sirius interrupted coldly, the lines of his face hard, his eyes dark. James glared at him, his knuckles white where he was gripping the table.

"Guys…" Peter squeaked timidly. Remus shook his head, indicating they should stay out of it. People were starting to look around as James and Sirius's voices slowly rose. Sirius glared stubbornly back at James for a minute, neither boy saying anything, before Remus glanced up over their heads at Susanna, who'd approached Sirius' from behind, and seemingly caught the last of the fight from the look on her face.

"Sirius," she said quietly, without a hint of shyness in her voice. His head snapped up and he looked around.

"Yeah," he grunted, still seething from the row. Susanna let her cool eyes slide over him and flicker to James, who was still gripping the table but looking ahead stonily. She looked like she'd come to ask him something, but instead she turned back to Sirius and shifted her shoulder a bit so James was slightly to her back. She tilted her head a little at Sirius and nodded towards the hall. He looked back at Remus and Peter blankly and swung off the bench, shaking the table violently. He absently took Susanna's book from her and walked out of the hall, his shoulders bunched up in the back. James jerked his head towards them and scowled.

"James," Remus said pleadingly, "I know you're worried," he hesitated, knowing how hazardous this could be, "but maybe it's none of our business." James glared at him, shoved his plate forward, knocking over his goblet in the process, and followed Sirius's angry exit, going the opposite way when he reached the doors.

Remus glanced dubiously at Peter and sighed, thinking the whole school had probably gone mad. He looked down the table, and Sasha was looking out the hall after Susanna, the smile that was always on her face absent, and she looked like the caught-in-the-middle, out of the loop party, kind of like Remus himself.

* * *

Lily stood in front of the mirror with the bathroom door open, so the bright morning sunlight from the window all the way across the room could fall on the floor and sparkle on the white tile. It comforted her a little, though it also made her angry and confused, that there could still be such pure beauty outside. It was so warm though, the last warm rays tha would soon fade into cold November and brittle December after that. She didn't know how she'd survive those months.

Her robe was lying, folded neatly, on the closed toilet seat, the head girl badge polished and gleaming against the black. She looked from it back up to the mirror, where her reflection showed her dressed in the knit grey school shirt, white oxford collared shirt and red and gold tie, her hair still not ready for the day. She reached across the sink for her bag of make-up, flinching at the sight of a thin red scar along the line of where her wrist met her hand; it looked like a pink ribbon you'd tie in a baby's hair. The analogy made her shudder. Lily reached in the bag and pulled out a thin wand of eyeliner, using it for maybe the second time in her life today.

She put on more make-up than usual, not a ghastly or flashy amount but eyeliner, mascara, everything most girls used on a daily basis. She was attracting attention away from something else. Hoping that there'd be questions about her change of beauty application instead of her absence in class or paleness. She'd even heard someone whisper about an eating disorder, simply because she'd not been at dinner or lunch a lot. It wasn't as if any weight loss was discernable.

Lily examined the finished effect in the mirror and smiled a little, wondering if this was the wrong idea. The green eye shadow enhanced her eyes perfectly, but she herself thought it too much. She lifted her robe off the seat and whirled it around her, fastening it in front and making sure the sleeves fell long and covered the pink ribbon on her wrist. Last, she brushed out her hair and combed the bangs out in a way her mother had once told her was the prettiest she'd ever seen her daughter's hair and left the bathroom, picking her school bag up off the floor by the bed and walking out the door. She shut it behind her, and took a deep breath, determined to make today somewhat _better_.

James's door was open across the common room and she could hear him shuffling around inside. She stood at the foot of the stairs for a moment and saw him walk past the door with a toothbrush in his mouth and his hair completely sticking up, his school tie in his hand, looking confused. His robe was on the floor in front of the fireplace, along with a book and a quill. Lily waited.

He came out maybe five minutes later, his hair still sticking up, unruly, and picked the robe up with his toes before he saw her. He gave her a sort of glare for a minute and grunted a greeting, before turning back to his books.

"James?" Lily asked timidly, hoping he'd heard her and she wouldn't have to shout at him.

"Yeah." He replied, swinging his back over his shoulder. He looked stubborn. Lily shifted her feet and adjusted the heavy strap on her shoulder. She tossed her head in a Susanna-ish fashion, not used to the hair falling all over her shoulders.

"I'm sorry about—about snapping at you. Last night. You just scared me." She said in a rush. Pressure lifted off her chest. Well, it was up in the air now. She'd apologized to James Potter. He didn't say anything.

"Did you just…apologize?" he asked slowly, blinking at her. Lily held back her comment and managed not to scowl as well. Did he have to be such an arse about it?

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't have taken your head off." She said again, almost through her teeth. James stood still for a second longer and shrugged his shoulders.

"I shouldn't have barged in." he said, buckling his school bag and not looking at her. He looked back up a little sharply. "I did have reason though. What the hell where you bloody screaming about?" he asked. Lily swallowed and started towards the door in unison with him.

"Spider." She lied easily. "I hate them." James groaned and let her go through the exit first.

"_Jesus_, Evans. You should have a different scream for 'spider' and 'help-I'm-being-murdered, you know, just to make things easier on me."

Lily managed to laugh, just to appease him. They walked in silence for a minute, Lily realizing it looked like he was walking her somewhere. She tucked her hair behind her ear and hesitated when they got to the stairs, so he'd get in front of her a little. She made like she was making sure something was in her bag. At the bottom of the staircase, on ground level outside of the great hall, she remembered something.

"Potter," she almost gasped. He turned around. "We have potions today?" she asked, controlling her voice. He gave her an odd look.

"Same as always." He answered. She nodded, swallowed, and started forward again, quickly filling her head with excuses as to why she'd skipped dinner and Charms yesterday. James didn't say anything else to her after that; he sat down at the table with Remus, Sirius, and Peter as usual, and Lily swore Sirius looked about as miserable as James at that moment. She herself found Alice and Sasha at their usual place. She sat down, bracing herself.

"Oh, my _god_, Lils! You look so pretty!" Alice said immediately. Lily looked at her, surprised. She hadn't been expecting that, exactly.

"Thanks." She replied, smiling. Sasha smiled and nodded her head in agreement. Neither one of them really said anything for a minute, but Lily caught Alice's meaningful look at Sasha and Sasha cleared her throat.

"Hey, Lil?" Sasha started carefully. Lily turned to her, trying not to look severe or foreboding. Sasha seemed to think she looked receptive, and went on. "Susanna kind of…put us up to harassing you." Sasha said apologetically. "She thinks something's wrong, but Alice and I—okay, fine, I," she rolled her eyes and changed when Alice shook her head, "think that she's being a little paranoid.

Lily looked at Alice when Sasha finished her meek speech, wondering what she had in her mind. She dodged the question.

"Where is Susanna?" she asked. Sasha bit her lip and exchanged glances with Alice. She nodded down the table, to where James was sitting. Susanna was sitting next to Sirius, looking as composed as ever. Lily sighed and turned back to Sasha.

"She's being ridiculous," Lily snapped, glancing back at her. "You're all being so…ugh! I don't know what it is." She grumbled, wondering why she was unable to make herself sound convincing. Probably because she'd never been the world's most fantastic deceiver.

"Well you're not being yourself, Lily." Alice spoke up, sounding more assertive than she ever had. Lily didn't answer, but gave her attention. "PMS is an excuse for the bitchy-ness, but you've been taking stress or whatever out on Susanna lately, and you know that's not fair. And you know, you could tell her what you're upset about, instead of making her guess. She's really upset." Alice informed her angrily. Sasha raised her eyebrows. None of them had ever heard Alice curse. Lily scowled.

"I know you guys think you're being helpful," she started coolly, "but you're _not._" Lily stood up abruptly and took her things. She made her way down the aisle to Susanna and tapped her on the shoulder gently. Sirius looked up at the same time and narrowed his eyes at her, shifting them to James quickly and glaring daggers at him.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked. Susanna studied her with cold eyes and got up, lifting her bag with her and leaving without a word to any of the boys. Lily averted her eyes from them and followed her taller friend. Susanna stopped and whipped around right outside the great hall.

"You really want to talk? Or where you just pissed I was sitting with the _marauders_?" Susanna asked shortly, folding her arms across her chest. Lily bit her lip. She could start a fight now, it was a common action with her lately, but she didn't want to. She wanted to stop tearing apart the foundations of her life, to keep as much sewn together as possible.

"I want to apologize." Lily said.

"Then do it."

"I didn't mean what I said," Lily started immediately, keeping eye contact with Susanna, "when I told you I wanted you to back off, and leave me alone. Really, Suze." She said, trying to convince Susanna.

"Then why did you say it?" Susanna asked just as coldly, not giving an inch. Lily sighed, frustrated. She was trying not to start again.

"Because, Suze! I can't stand the way you're acting like I need to be babysat or something, and setting Sasha on me like I need to be questioned! You act like I'm on drugs or—I don't know what, but it's driving me mad." Lily explained tightly. Susanna unfolded her arms and let them hang to her sides. She looked at Lily disbelievingly.

"You really think you're acting normal? You've skipped eleven classes. I know some of your grades have—" she caught how loud her voice was getting and lowered it, respectful enough not to draw the hall's attention. "—have slipped. Lily," she stopped, exasperated, for a minute, and looked at her pleadingly. "I _know_ you. Something's wrong and you're not telling me." She said.

Lily blinked her eyes, tears pricking at the corners and her lip shaking. She bit it to make it cease and adjusted her bag, to do something with her hands. She looked off to the side, and when she looked back, Susanna was looking down as well. When she looked up, there were tears on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry, Susanna." Lily said shakily. Susanna pressed her lips together and held up her finger, shaking her head for a minute. When she spoke, her voice was quiet and held together.

"I understand if it's personal. But can you do something, Lily?" she asked. Lily started to nod, and Susanna nodded in return. Lily felt like she'd been winded, having no idea what she'd just promised to do or divulge.

"Don't take it out on me. Or Sasha, she gets so upset."

"She said the same thing about you." Susanna smiled slightly.

"I wish you'd let me help you, you know. But I can't say anything really; I'm not exactly the warmest person, either. But like I said, I'm here."

Lily nodded, and gave Susanna promise to not take it out on her anymore. She would try. At least she could give her friends that, even if she couldn't tell them….no, she _couldn't_.

A bell rang, and they got out of the way of the stampede from breakfast, making their way to the stairs for the dungeons. Both Lily and Susanna were silent while they drew their sensibilities back together, and then Lily tried to steer them back to their old camaraderie.

"Whatever happened to that guy Sasha and Andy were after?" she asked. Susanna smirked sardonically and smiled as they entered Slughorn's classroom and set their books down.

"_Jasper _has a girlfriend, who happens to be a little piqued that Andromeda had the nerve to try and fix him up with Sasha. Sasha didn't know about the girlfriend, obviously, or she'd never have agreed to it…the whole thing was completely ridiculous but I think they had a blast."

Lily laughed and shook her head, stepping further to the Gryffindor side of the room as people started to file in. Sasha was with Alice, and they set their stuff at the table behind Susanna and Lily.

"Lily! You're here!" Gideon Prewitt jumped up to her, looking relieved. "I was afraid you'd be…never mind, can you help me? I don't understand the part about—" Lily sighed, not a bit annoyed, and kind of glad that she'd somewhat cleared the air.

It was one of the good days, when she was thinking about fighting, when she was thinking about telling, when she knew it could all be fixed. The days never lasted long enough. She took Gideon's paper and helped him out, fixing up his mistakes just as Slughorn called the class to order. She heard sniggers from the back of the room and refused to look around, knowing who sat across in the back. She could imagine him sitting there, feet propped on the table, staring at the back of her head and thinking about her, whispering to Avery and god knew who else. She suppressed a shudder.

The entire potions class, which consisted of a lecture and an example, was torture for her. She felt his pitiless, evil eyes burning into the back of her head, she felt trapped and constricted and panicked, wondering what was going to happen after this class, if he'd catch her or not today, and she felt sick. Images, swirling in her head, of last time, the first time; every time in between, the nightmares, the fright and torture…she gripped the table, afraid she would scream, when someone startled her by tapping her shoulder. She jumped, and Susanna raised an eyebrow.

"Sorry." She said, laughing shakily. "Guess I zoned off." Susanna smirked and when Lily looked around she realized everyone was moving around and Susanna was packing her stuff in the bag. Lily looked down at her sheet of parchment, where she'd absently written down a few notes.

"What's going on?" she hissed.

"God, you really weren't paying attention." Susanna said, surprised. She nodded at the board behind Slughorn, where he'd written in his pinched scrawl. Lily saw the homework and gave Susanna a look of shock.

"Class is over?" Susanna laughed in reply. Lily grabbed her quill and scribbled down the assignment, groaning inwardly when she realized how long the essay was, and what kind of examples in entailed. Susanna waited for a second in her chair as she slowly gathered her things, and then got up.

"Sorry, Lils, but I've gotta talk to McGregor before class starts." She said, giving Lily a wave as she left. Lily thought nothing of it for a moment as she slung her bag over her shoulder and pushed her chair in.

"Goodbye, Miss Evans, I'll be expecting something brilliant from you, as usual." Slughorn said jovially, giving her a wave. She granted him a small smile, and stopped in her tracks as she turned and saw Mulciber, still in the classroom, leaning back against the far wall, lazy smile on his face. Avery was nowhere to be seen. Lily's throat constricted and her eyes widened. She looked around desperately, knowing she couldn't escape if she walked out of the emptying classroom with him behind her, and saw the four of them at the back of the classroom. Her mind didn't register what they were doing or what she was about to do, she just did it.

"James!" she called, very nearly a hysteric shriek. He stopped what he was doing and looked up. Remus and Sirius looked over, Remus's look mild and welcoming as always and Sirius's teasing once again, unlike this morning. "Walk me to class?" she asked, smiling a little. He dropped his potions book on the floor in front of him, his face slow in reaction. Then he broke into a gleeful smile, swept up the book without looking, and bounded towards her.

"I knew you'd come around, Evans!" he said. She smiled, ignored his comment, and left quickly, so he was keeping up with his long legs. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were walking somewhat ahead of them, Remus kept making Sirius look forward instead of turning around and ogling. Lily walked awkwardly with James, at least feeling safer. She heard Slughorn snap at Mulciber to head to class. He was talking to her a little cautiously.

"What kind of ingredient are you going to get? I was thinking something off a werewolf..." she looked at him skeptically; glad to have something to distract her.

"A werewolf?" she repeated, disbelieving. He gave her a mysterious grin and winked. She got the distinct impression he really was going to show up with a werewolf tooth or something when this paper was due.

"I'm not sure yet," was her answer. He fell silent, and Lily held her breath, praying he wouldn't say anything that would prove hard to bear. He didn't have a chance to. Mulciber appeared, catlike, out of nowhere on the other side of him; she hadn't even heard his footsteps. James's countenance darkened and his hand slipped into his pocket, as he ignored the Slytherin, who stepped in front of them mockingly.

"Now isn't this just adorable." He sang, his eyes cold and hard. Lily unconsciously shrank closer to James. They were level with the Arithmancy classroom, on the fifth floor; the class hadn't let out yet. James's eyes narrowed as he stopped his lips white. He didn't say a word yet. "An unlikely couple—the Potter heir and the Mudblood slu—"

"You could finish your sentence," James interrupted coldly, "or you could walk away from here with your arse where your head should be."

Mulciber raised a pale eyebrow and laughed coldly, sizing James up.

"I'm frightened." he said flippantly. His wand appeared in his hand and he twirled it around. He gave Lily an intimate look over the tip of it.

"Say, Potty. Do you know what you're little girlfriend's up to after hours?" he asked lewdly, lips spreading back over his yellow-ish teeth. James's expression was sour. She could feel his fist clench, because she was leaning against his side, whether she realized she'd gotten that close or not.

"Didn't your mother teach you your manners?" James asked tightly, mockingly. The Arithmancy door opened and Lily breathed a sigh of relief—that caught right back in her throat when Ricky McDonald was the first student out of the classroom. He stopped, looking paralyzed.

"And what would those be, Potter?" Mulciber asked patronizingly. "The same yours taught you? 'Play around rutting with the Mudbloods'?" James drew his fist back and punched Mulciber in the face; Mulciber hissed and stumbled back, coughing as blood spurted from his nose.

"Watch your language in front of a lady." James hissed quietly, every muscle under his robes coiled and tense. The teacher in the back of the classroom was shouting for people to move, trying to get to the front. Mulciber reached out for Lily and she screamed and as a reaction slapped his hand away, leaping into James's side. He caught an arm around her deftly, but before he said anything, she was shrieking at him:

"Don't touch me! Don't _touch_ me!" she knew she sounded hysterical; she knew she was too loud. "We all know what you did to Mary, you sick, fucked up, _bastard_!" Lily's voice trembled and James pulled her away, shoving Mulciber.

Lily caught last glimpse of Ricky before the Arithmancy professor moved in front and started shouting at Mulciber. He was looking at her, something like surprise and gratitude in his eyes. She looked back, breathing heavily, as James dragged her towards the Defense classroom. He stopped before the closed door; they were already late. He thrust his wand back into his pocket and drew her around in front of him.

"Lily?" he asked, looking at her, cautiousness in his eyes behind the coldness that was left from the confrontation. She took a deep breath that shook her shoulders and looked back at him.

"I'm fine." She said, unconvincingly. He gave her a skeptical look.

"I've never heard you talk like that." He muttered, looking at her with a bit of admiration. He reached up and pushed hair off of her forehead where it was all in her face, and she flinched slightly before she realized his touch was gently. "He really scared you." James said, looking at her searchingly. She still didn't say anything. She didn't trust herself to yet.

"We don't have to go to class, I can—"

"No, I can't skip another." She interrupted instantly.

"Oh. Yeah." He said, half-smiling. "Well, I can get us out of detention for being tardy, but you'll have to…play along." She nodded. She'd do anything to distract her at this moment. He winked and took her hand, and dragged her through the door. Everyone in the room turned to look, and she wanted to sink into the floor. She hated being stared at. Susanna had almost let her mouth fall open.

"Professor!" gasped James. McGregor was looking at him with a frown.

"I see you've decided to come to class, Potter, Evans." He said condescendingly.

"Yeah, we did." James answered quickly, receiving laughter from the class. McGregor's frown deepened, but James kept going with his plan. "WE had Slughorn before you professor, see, (McGregor immediately grimaced) and he had this monster spider in his room, and he was, well, don't tell him I said this but, he was pretty freaked out about it, and he asked Evans here—you know Evans, head girl, pretty, smart—anyway, he wanted her to kill it, but she's petrified of them so I had to—and well, it was a big, spider, professor—"

"Just sit down, Mr. Potter." McGregor sighed, gesturing to the empty seats. They sat in the middle, with Frank Longbottom, and Sirius swiveled around and mouthed 'Brilliant!' at James.

"Mr. Black, one more time you disrupt this class and I swear…Now, class, as I was saying…"

"How do you do that?" Lily hissed, taking her book and things out, looking sheepish at having lied to one of her favorite teachers. James grinned under the cover of bending his head and finding his page.

"Boyish attitude," he said conspiratorially. Lily resisted the urge to giggle. She shocked herself; she hadn't laughed in weeks. And she'd never laughed at Potter.

The class was easy to pay attention to; they broke up into groups after an hour of lecture and practice complicated forms of wandless magic, Lily and Susanna pairing with Sasha and Andromeda, with Lily, as usually, being the first to conquer the spell and helping her friends in turn. She rebuffed their attempts to find out what she'd been doing, leaving it at "There was a spider, I swear, you guys know I hate them" and letting Andromeda make all the insinuations she wanted to. In fact, Andromeda did start to get annoying, but she was interrupted at one point by Sirius turning Remus's wand into a rubber chicken and zooming it across the room at her. This, inevitably with those two, resulted in outright war. At the end of class, though subconsciously still reliving the encounter with Mulciber in the hall, and wondering how angry he would be, Lily was smiling a little as Andromeda got in a last attack on Sirius and they were packing up for lunch.

"Let's eat outside today, enjoy one of the last warm days, what do you think?" Sasha suggested brightly. Lily agreed readily, and though Susanna gave her a questioning smile, she agreed to. Before they got to leave the classroom though, James caught Lily's arm and held her back. Sasha hung back, grinning, but Susanna subtly pulled her arm and they left, leaving James and Lily with some of the slower people in the room.

"I just wanted…you know, make sure you're ok." He said quickly.

"Oh. Yeah, I am. Promise." Lily answered, wanting him to stop bringing it up. She berated herself for reacting like she did, for jumping and clinging to him and acting like…well, like he was doing what he was doing to her.

"Hey, Evans—er, Lily. Are you coming to the Quidditch game? Tonight, I mean." He asked. Lily started to shake her head, but he stopped her.

"Aww, come on. You haven't been to any, and we're playing Slytherin. You know you want to see Mulciber get his arse kicked." He offered, smiling wickedly.

She didn't want to go. Too many people, questions, staring. She was too much of a gossip object today. James started walking out of the classroom, and she followed him; the hallways swarming with people all making their way down to the great hall for lunch, though some where just changing classes. She saw a few green ties shuffling past and shrank away, not liking this crowd.

"I don't know. I've got a lot of make-up work." She said over the crowd. James waved his hand non-chalantly.

"Tomorrow's the weekend. I'll help you with Transfiguration if you do it then. Just come. You lock yourself in your room too much, you know? You never go to Gryffindor tower or anything. You skipped Hogsmeade. Li-lllllyyyyyyy…" he started to whine, stopping on the stairs in the middle of people. People grunted and yelled, some stopping when they realized who it was. Lily jerked his arm and pulled him down to the great hall landing, at least out of the way here, to the side. People going into lunch were shrieking, glad it was the weekend, excited for the game tonight. Lily sighed. So much for not raising suspicion.

"I guess I'll go." She said, nodding. He smiled brilliantly, and she was surprised to see what girls had been saying about him being so handsome—not that she'd ever thought him ugly, but the way his eyes sparkled when he smiled was what they'd meant when they said "dazzling".

"Excellent. I'll see ya later, then," he said, turning to go to the hall. He'd heard their conversation about eating outside. A moment after he'd turned he turned back, a few steps away, and looked sheepish.

"Uh, hey, what's our new password?" he asked, reaching up to rustle his hair. Lily glanced around at the people close and walked a little closer. There wasn't anyone within earshot, except a few Hufflepuff first years by the door, who were chatting to each other.

"Phoenix." She said clearly, having gotten it from Dumbledore by the bird this morning. James nodded, thanked her, and headed off. She turned and found Sasha standing at the doors to the courtyard, waving her over. She hitched her bag higher on her shoulder and walked over, her mind broken into pieces of a puzzle that didn't seem to fit; good and bad, past and present, confusion. She remembered everything about today vividly, and everything about every day before. But it was a good day. It was a better day. And she wanted it to _last_.

* * *

**--**I think it may have gotten a little weak in the middle, but I liked the beginning and end. your thoughts?

--Just a fun fact: If any of you Have ever watched "Potter Puppet Pals" (which you should if you haven't) James's line "Boyish Attitude" comes from that.

Alexa


	6. Versions of Violence

**A/N: **This chapter would have been up on THURSDAY if the system hadn't been acting so moody, so blame the site for your wait. Okay, so I beat last chapter's length, and I'm happy for it, and I suppose you'd call this the "climax" chapter of the story.

A Quick Note-- I want to givea shout out to reviewer "Anon", who actually guessed my forshadowing and outcome completely, BUT with an added bit of spice. I don't want to give much away, but in my origional version, Mulciber was supposed to over-hear Lily, and the part about the Hufflepuffs was Anon's idea.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Six: Versions of Violence**

"Sasha, you know you look ridiculous." Susanna said drily, sitting on the edge of Lily's bed and leaning back to watch Sasha's progress in the bathroom. Sasha held her wand away from her hair and studied herself with a bright smile. Her hair was now the equivalent of a Gryffindor scarf, striped deep red and sunny gold.

"I happen to think it's quite lovely." Sasha retorted, coming out of the bathroom with her nose in the air. Lily raised her eyebrow and covered her mouth with a snicker. Sasha preened in front of them. "At least I have school spirit." She said in a mock-snotty voice, twirling a wand around before slipping it into her robes pocket. Susanna rolled her eyes. She turned back to Lily, and left Sasha basking in her Gryffindor glory.

"I still think you should come," she said meaningfully, resuming their conversation. Lily sighed and twisted a strand of hair around her finger. Susanna went on. "I know you have that make-up work, you've said it a million times, but it's not as if forcing yourself through it all will relieve the stress. It's more logical to have some fun in between."

Sasha nodded vigorously and flopped down on the bed next to Lily at this.

"And Potter will never, ever forgive you if you skip off on this." She said, as if that closed the entire argument.

"All the more reason not to go." Lily retorted, though not as venomously as was customary for any prods about James Potter.

"He asked you personally. I heard him." Sasha said smugly.

"You were eavesdropping?" Sasha looked at Lily like she'd turned into the Loch Ness monster.

"Of course I was _eavesdropping_! And I thought you knew me, Lily Evans!" she pretended to be hurt and threw her head to the side, her brightly colored hair spreading out and making a fan of gold and red. Lily rolled her eyes.

"It's not like him asking me to go personally makes it this golden glorious thing." She said.

Susanna was looking at her with her head tilted and her cool blue eyes searching. Lily looked at her suspiciously, wondering what was going through her head.

"You practically told him you'd go. And you know what? You're going. Get over it." Susanna announced briskly, standing up. Sasha squealed excitedly and sat up, throwing her arms around Lily.

"Yeah, you have no choice, we're kidnapping you. It's time you start acting like our friend again." Sasha reprimanded, giving her a pout. Lily stuck her tongue out in reply. Susanna walked into the bathroom and started messing around with her hair. Lily sat quietly for a moment, with neither of her friends saying anything, before she started to speak.

"Hey…I'm sorry I've been acting like I have. I just…things have been…difficult." She finished lamely. Susanna paused and looked at her, brush in hand, for a moment, before turning back to the mirror.

"Don't worry about it, Lils." She said softly. Sasha scooted closer to Lily and smiled.

"We know you've been stressed," she said comfortingly, "with all the stuff about Voldemort and his vendetta against muggle borns." Lily looked at her sideways, her eyebrow furrowed, before she realized Sasha must have come up with her own explanation. Susanna glanced out of the bathroom, and then Lily knew from the look on her face that she'd fed that to Sasha to prevent her from questioning Lily.

"I mean, we can't exactly blame you," Sasha was continuing, her face worried for once. "Things are getting really bad out there. He keeps doing these things, disaster stuff, and the muggles think it's tornadoes and stuff…there were giants in _Surrey_ two days ago." Sasha's voice lowered to a whisper. Susanna slapped the brush down.

"And you want her to stop worrying about it?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. Sasha covered her mouth.

"Oops! Sorry, Lils!" she apologized. Lily shook her head, indicating she was fine. She looked back to Susanna and gave her a grateful smile, to which Susanna responded with the smallest shrug and picked up her robe of Lily's desk chair.

"You worried about your parents?" Sasha asked sympathetically.

"Yeah," Lily answered slowly. She turned to Sasha. "But I don't want to talk about it, really." She said earnestly. God, not another thing to think about. To worry about. Glad as she was that Sasha had an explanation, it wasn't something she wanted to be thinking about upon all the other turmoil—that gang of evil wizards running around. "What time is it?" she asked, changing the subject. Sasha's arm slid off her shoulder and she got halfway off the bed, leaning to look at the clock.

"The match starts in half an hour." She replied by way of answer. Lily got up and took her turn in the bathroom, making everything was in order. She took a quick peek and made sure no one was looking before she pulled up her sleeve and examined the thin red line there, an angrier, darker one above it. She bit her lip and jerked the sleeve back down, hating the sight of it. Hitching her smile back on her face, she came back into the room. Sasha was up again, spinning around in circles with her arms out. Lily stared at her with a real smile on her face, reminded again of just how high-spirited and crazy Sasha could be. The other girl stopped and looked at Lily, somehow not incredibly dizzy.

"Let's go!" she cried, bounding to the door and swinging down the stairs. Susanna fell into step with Lily after her.

"Is there a reason she's so peppy about this?" Lily muttered. Susanna shrugged and folded her arms, a that-just-Sasha look on her face.

"Lily, Remus Lupin is sitting on your couch!" Sasha yelled. Lily had already discovered this as she and Susanna came in view of the common room. Remus was indeed sitting on the couch, looking a bit sheepish. Lily ignored the fact that he was only supposed to be allowed in with a head.

"Potter's at the Pitch." She said nicely, having no personal animosity towards Remus. His cheeks colored a little and he stood up, his hands in his robe's shabby pockets.

"I know." He said, glancing at her and then at Sasha. "He kind of…well, you're coming right?" he asked hesitantly. Slowly, Lily nodded, right as Sasha burst out laughing.

"Oh my GOD, see Lily? You would have had to go! Potter sent big bad Remus to drag your butt out there kicking and screaming!" she giggled. Remus was muttering to himself, something about stupid friends and never listening to them again.

They were leaving the dormitory together, and Remus fell back to mutter in Lily's ear:

"He didn't tell me to drag you…he told me to whisper cheering charms at you until you were so high he couldn't get you on his broom."

* * *

James was trying to give his captain-mandated pep-talk. This was not working out for him. Not that he was ever serious about said pep-talk, but the point was not that his players weren't getting their ego-boost, it was that they were not paying attention to him, and he was not getting his moment to show them all that he was their almighty quidditch king. And all of this was because Sirius kept chucking woodchips at his head. And the obnoxious thing was, he wasn't even looking at James while he did it. And for some reason, the entire team found this just hilarious.

"And don't get all mad and decide you have to—ARGH! SIRIUS!—turn Macnair into a tulip, yes it's tempting but we'll lose points…oh, yeah, play nice, like good children—SIRIUS I FUCKING SWEAR—you know what? Just kick their asses." James finished. He glared at Sirius.

"Stop undermining my authority!" he said, tempted to stick his tongue out at Sirius. He'd just taken all the captain-y glory away from James and turned it into a Sirius-wood-chip-prowess-show. Sirius leaned close to James with a solemn look on his face.

"Do you know how sexy you are when you're angry?" James shoved him away, smirking. Excellent sort of mood to be in when playing Slytherin. He wasn't worried, the team wasn't worried. Slytherin always chose to go for brawn instead of brains, so they might have strength, but no strategy, and James was a strategist. That, and with recent events, the entire school was glaring at Slytherin, waiting for them to pick aside in the growing conflict out in the wizarding world…and James just wanted to beat the shit out of Mulciber. He and Sirius heard Gideon Prewitt start his announcing and they picked up their brooms from against the wall.

"You know you have to hit Mulciber in the balls." James said matter-of-factly, slipping his hand into a leather glove. Sirius saluted him.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good." He affirmed, swinging a leg over his broom, ducking low, and zooming out onto the pitch. James followed suit, the cool night air sweeping back his hair and the sound of the screaming students ringing like music in his ears.

Out in the crowd, Lily was trying to stay close to Susanna, and they were trying to keep up with Sasha and Andromeda, who'd managed to wiggle herself into the Gryffindor side. They finally found a few empty spaces near the middle of the pitch, but still had to scream over the noise.

"And so anyway," Andromeda was screaming over the noise, trying to explain why McGonagall had kicked her out of Transfiguration the other day, "he dared me to do it, so I had to, and, well, the multiplying thing, I don't know how the hell that even happened, but all of a sudden there were these pink rabbits everywhere...it was hilarious, you shoulda seen her face, well detention was unfortunate but STILL…" she broke off with a wicked grin and Susanna laughed as she whipped her head around, Gideon's announcement drawing all their attention to the pitch.

There was the usually amount of booing and hissing for Slytherin, the Slytherins always tried t over-whelm the apparent dislike by screaming their lungs out but it never worked, really. The applause and cheering for Gryffindor was deafening, and the team members played it up, doing tricks and showing off in the air. James managed a double flip in mid air, and accomplished a graceful bow, to the delight of most girls in the school. Well, it was pretty impressive. Lily couldn't be completely disgusted by it. He was just having fun…

Wait, him being arrogant had turned into him simply having fun? Lily shook her head and focused her attention on the referee, annoyed with that thought. The referee blew the whistle and up went the quaffle, Lily blinked and it was gone, and Gideon's announcing took up with such speed that Lily was whipping her head around trying to keep up.

She'd never been one for Quidditch, really. She understood it, and she enjoyed the games occasionally, or rather, she liked that James was far away and not bothering her. Besides, Alice played chaser and she was there to support her a lot. But she'd never gotten into the takin it as seriously as life like some of the people in this world. She compared it to Soccer in her own, fun, but blown out of proportion. Mostly by men. But now, what with all the processing she was trying to get done and attempting to keep on top of the game, it was her favorite sport in the world. Her mind was completely occupied by the thought 'quidditch'. It was hard enough to keep up anyway, without Sasha screaming wildly and constantly jumping around and hugging her. She could, however, gain enough knowledge to know that Gryffindor was winning.

A sudden cry out outrage came from the stands around her, and she squinted, pushing up on tip toe and leaning into the wall in front of her to see what had happened.

"What happened?" she yelled at Susanna, trying to find the source of the displeasure. Susanna, looking livid herself, gestured furiously towards the announcer's booth, where the referee was shouting angrily at a Slytherin beater; James was behind her holding a very bloody Sirius back by the back of his robes.

"He smashed him in the face with his bat!" Susanna explained, folding her arms and grimacing. Lily glanced away from her back to the scene, watching as the referee turned about and with a flick of her wand scourged the blood from Sirius's face and left his nose a clean and unbroken.

"That's a penalty for Slytherin, Quaffle goes to Gryffindor…"

The Gryffindor cheered violently as Sirius swooped over them, grinning unabashedly, and elevated himself higher in the air; the Quaffle was tossed to him by Alice and he sped off like a bullet towards the Slytherin goal posts, scoring effortlessly and appeasing his indignant Gryffindors. Lily grinned and clapped with the rest of them, her eyes roaming over the players in the sky to find James.

He was high up, higher than anyone, like some supervising deity in the sky, his piercing eyes roaming over the pitch, hawk-like. Every few moments he'd either dip a bit lower, shift to the sides, or rise higher, his watch for the snitch intent and focused, unaware of the other players. A bludger spiraled towards his head and he reacted fluidly, dodging effortlessly out of the way and whipping around to the other side of the pitch; Edgar Bones retaliated with a well-aimed bludger at Macnair, preventing him from scoring.

Gryffindor was still in lead, by more than a few goals, and the competition was getting rough. Three more fouls were called, two on Macnair, one on Lestrange, and Alice ended up with a chipped tooth from a duck where she hit her mouth against her broom. Lily drew her eyes back to James, uneasy in the violence and hoping he would catch the snitch soon.

Dorcas Meadows was stopped in her tracks, the quaffle having slipped from her hands as Mulciber dipped and blocked her, too close, and forcing her to drop the quaffle in effort to steady her broomstick. The furious beaters came to her defense, but James's sudden movement in the sky caught Lily's attention.

Mulciber was still jeering off below, playing cat-and-mouse with Dorcas, blocking her way. Dorcas was panicking, while James shot off like a flash across the pitch, rocketing past Mulciber as a gold and red blur. Mulciber looked around in shock and fired off after him. The stands all seemed to shift to their feet at once, a huge gasp going up, everyone swaying in whichever way their seekers went.

Mulciber, level with James now, slammed into him from the side, James bent lower to his broom in response and gained a lead; a shout of anxiety rose from the crowd as he spun and barreled through a slim spot between Sirius and Alice, who had unconsciously moved in his path. Mulciber swerved to try and avoid Alice but collided with her, both of them spinning in mid air. He shook her off and Sirius shouted in rage after him as he tried to keep Alice from falling; she hung onto her broom with one hand and kicked with her feet.

Lily was all but out of the stands, looking after James and Mulciber with her heart pounding and shuddering in her throat. Edgar, excited and frustrated, aimed a bludger at Mulciber and missed; the students seemed to all hold their breaths suddenly as James's hand shot out, fingers stretching. He lunged forward, his whole broom thrown by the weight shift, and flipped over, his hand balling into a fist. The broom righted itself and he was holding on with one leg hooked around and his other struggling to right itself, one arm white at the knuckles and the other dangling in midair as he held up the fluttering snitch triumphantly.

The stadium exploded with noise, screaming, hissing, cheering, and applause. Mulciber was knocked out of the way as the rest of James's team, Sirius with Alice holding onto him on the back of his broomstick, circled around him and sank to the ground, where they were swarmed instantly by adoring Gryffindors—and Hufflepuffs, and Ravenclaws.

Lily looked around, shocked at how quickly the stadium around her had emptied; the few people left were all clambering for the exits, or jumping over the railing. Sasha was gone, and Andromeda was perched on the railing, shouting gleefully down. Sasha was down on the ground, she reached up and pulled Andromeda down, dragging her off into the mob. Lily followed Susanna over to the stairs, choosing the less hazardous way to the pitch ground. They made their way leisurely, avoiding the mass chaos of the crowd. The team had made their rounds by now, everyone gathering their circle of admirers, and Alice sitting while Madame Pomfrey checked her over. Sirius burst out of a circle of people demanding a recount of his nose-bashing and gleefully threw his arms around Susanna's neck, his height difference pressing her cheek just below his shoulder.

Susanna laughed freely in response, and Lily couldn't help but wonder if she'd suddenly missed something. She didn't have time to contemplate Susanna's…un-Susanna-ness, because in the next moment, James shoved his way out of the crowd (this included causing Peter to topple over and almost get stepped on) and unleash his sunny euphoria on Lily.

"I told you I'd kick his ass!" he screamed gleefully, holding up the snitch, the wings of it fluttering feebly in his fist. He took Lily's responsive smile as more than it meant, and mimicked Sirius's action of sweeping her into a hug. Lily immediately stiffened as a reaction, the sudden touch freezing her blood; he swung her around, unaware of her panic, and set her down again, wiping his hand across his brow unfazed. Lily didn't have time to say anything, she was still gasping for her lost breath, when Sirius jumped on James's back and steadied himself, raising his voice to an ungodly decibel Lily didn't know was possible for humans and roaring over the noise:

"PARTY IN GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM!"

There was no need for him to say more. He scrambled off James and grabbed his best friends soldier, shaking him heartily.

"We're the men of the hour, Jamesie-boy!" he announced with bravado, puffing out his chest. "C'mon, we'll send Remus to the kitchens and get the firewhiskey ourselves!" he said, with a wicked glance at Lily, as if he were waiting for her protest. She smirked and shrugged, tapping her ear in a gesture that said she'd gone temporarily dear.

"Damn, Evans, I like the new you!" Sirius swore, looking at her appreciatively. He clapped James on the back a final time and said conspiratorially, "We'll have to see what happens when we get some firewhiskey in her!" he started off, his arm casually resting across Susanna's slim shoulders. "We expect to see you at our shindig, Miss Head Girl." He said prissily over his shoulder, with a sly glint in his eye. Lily turned to follow them, her half smile still peaceful on her face, James in step with her with his hand, with the snitch, in his pockets. The game had been quick, and it was that cool part of day when the sun's not visible anymore, but the dark hasn't cloaked the world. Twilight.

"If you had any doubt in your mind about coming to the party," James started matter-of-factly, "I am forced to dispel that motion by warning you in advance that I have no qualms about dragging you kicking and screaming up to our old common room."

Lily laughed at his business-like manner, and shook her head, the refusal already forming on her lips.

"James—"

"Lily," he groaned, interrupting, 'You—" he stopped short, glancing at her in surprise as they neared they school. "You called me _James_." He informed her in an accusatory sort of fashion. She looked back at him, her eyebrows knitted.

"So?" she responded. He rolled his eyes.

"You never call me James. It's always…Potter or toerag or something that makes me cry." He joked.

"Oh, shut-up, I don't make you cry." She said, rolling her eyes and shouldering her away from him. He shrugged and ran his hand through his hair, looking a little caught off guard. Only for a moment, though.

"You're coming, Lily-goat, because I will give you a detention if you don't." he said with finality.

"I really, _really_ have to finish my work!" she said testily, the insistence by people on her going places starting to rattle her nerves.

"If you can concentrate after a game like that, you're the most boring person in the world." James retorted smartly, pushing open the castle door for her. He stopped in the hall, and she spoke before he could entreat her anymore.

"James. I can't afford to get behind. I have _work_ to do." She stress she put on the word 'work' sounded to her condescending and rude, and she stopped, hesitantly, feeling bad about the tone of her voice. The disappointed look on his face guilted her into swaying, and she sighed. "Look, let me finish my Transfiguration essay. I've got…5 inches left. And I'll come." She gave him, watching the smile come back instantly. He still looked suspicious though.

"You have to promise!" he threatened. Frustrated, she demanded:

"Why does it matter so much? I'm just another _person_!"

"No, you're not." He responded stubbornly, setting his jaw firmly. Lily resisted the urge to stamp her foot and shifted her weight instead. She looked away from him after a minute, not understanding, shaking her head.

"I promise." She relented. He looked satisfied, and she walked with him towards the grand staircase in tight-lipped silence. They reached the platform at the top and she turned towards one set of stairs, he towards the other, both taking the shortest route to their destination.

"Kicking and screaming!" he reminded her lightly, flashing a mischievous grin. She rolled her eyes at him over her shoulder and didn't respond, making her way up to the fourth floor staircase by staircase until she was stepping off into the corridor. As she turned the corner, she ran into Ricky McDonald and stumbled back, feeling her cheeks flush. She looked down and back up, hoping she didn't look too completely out of sorts.

"Lily!" he gasped, sounding relieved. She nodded. He touched her arm gently and led her to the side of the hall, near where the entrance to the head's dorm was, and fidgeted. Ricky was kind of timid around people he wasn't closely familiar with, and had been even more reticent and almost brooding since…Mary.

"I was going to wait for you up on the seventh floor." He said.

"What is it?" Lily asked, swallowing her heart back down. He shifted his feet and mumbled something before holding his head up, and looking a bit more proud and composed.

"You remember what you said? The other day?" he asked. Lily looked puzzled, unsure of what he was referring to, and he pressed his lips together, looking stiffer. "When you told Mulciber that you knew what he did to Mary." Ricky clarified. Lily's cheeks paled.

"Oh," she said softly, her eyes fluttering down to her shoes. "Yes?" she questioned cautiously.

"I wanted to thank you. For—for sticking up for her, you know? I know no one believes he…no one believes what she said, but it's true. I know Mary's, er, well I know how Mary is, she's my sister, but I also know when she's dead serious. And she told the truth. So," he started to smile a little, and caught her eye, preventing her from looking away from the sad smile on his face, "thanks. For believing her. It's been hard for her."

Lily's throat was completely constricted, and she could barely unglue her tongue from the top of her mouth to attempt to form words. She uttered a soft 'your welcome', and somehow got away from Ricky casually, apparently without alerting him to something awful rolling over her. She blindly find her way back to the dorm, mechanically opening the entrance and entering, and in her room before she fully comprehended the magnitude of the impact Ricky's words had had. His gratitude cut deep, burned like fire, because it reminded her of how unworthy of it she was. She stood in the middle of her room, staring at the window with her arms crossed across her chest, focused statue-like on the window.

_Mary_. No one had believed Mary, no one but her parents and few friends, Ricky and Dumbledore. She and Susanna had calculated the improbability of it. And they had been _wrong_. It was happening to Lily, it was happening tangibly and violently, destroying her, and she did nothing but press her lips together and hold back the screams, let him tie her hands behind her back and beat her, frighten her into submission, and then wash the only physical release of the pain down the sink in a flush of watery pink blood spilled from her own flesh. And here was Ricky, grateful to her, thanking her for standing up for Mary's right and trying to wipe the mud from his sister's name when in reality her vindication of Mary's name had been in a moment of insanity, it was something she never would have said if she hadn't been so frightened at that moment in the hallway. But the weight of it struck her now, what it meant, he re-awakened and horrified her.

She could have proven Mary was right. She could have exonerated Mary from every smear anyone had ran against her, she could have helped her, and instead she gave into cowardice and fear and let the other girl suffer like she had, with no one to help and understand, she let Mulciber have his satisfaction and get away with it all; she was terrified as thoughts of who else he could have hurt while she kept her silence, and her eyes welled up with hot tears, threatening to spill over her cheeks. Oh, she was so tired of the tears.

How many times had she wanted to tell? She could never bring the words to her mind, could never find the way to say it, to speak the words. She was too ashamed, too rooted in a paranoid anguish that they'd look at her differently and shun her. She'd wanted to close her eyes and forget when it was all she could do not to fall on her knees screaming. Nightmares kept her awake, he broke her spirit, he wreaked havoc on her mind and body, and he shattered her self-regard and instilled in her a fear of looking around the next corner. He turned her into someone who was a mere imitation of Lily Evans, a person who she looked at in the mirror with fright and disgust and misery, whom she wanted to claw at and wipe away. Her mind blocked the images when they came, she impulsively blacked it all out, defensive steel walls in her brain helped her to cope in the only way the searched and found possible, by way of elimination of what was sour and disastrous and yet even then she hadn't been able to forget.

She lived with a ceaseless torment and she did nothing, _nothing_. She was sick, tired, colorless and hollow. She snapped out of her hell only when her conscience had told her to make an effort or be found out—wrong, wrong, always wrong, the wrong way to go about it.

At this moment, she almost hated herself. She had let weakness take hold of her, she had become someone who repulsed her, and she hated it violently. And all it had taken was Ricky's words to crack the steel barrier in her mind that cultivated the technique of blocking and let her thoughts rage like an angry tide inside her head, so that every emotion filled her to the finger tip and she was flooded with the magnitude of her suffering and her folly and mistakes.

Her hands were trembling now; she felt so shaky and cracked, like her composure was gone—and it was. She wanted Susanna, but couldn't get her. She didn't want to be seen. She wasn't going to that party. She was torn, conflicted, between the still deep fear of speaking the ghastly words of the sordid story and shouting to the rooftops the abominable horror that he'd inflicted upon now two people. She tried to weigh judgment against her personal terror and failed, her mind too chaotic to grasp anything. Violently, she dug her nails into the pad of her palm, the pricks settling her mind, and it momentarily sickened her to think how she'd trained herself to respond to pain with a calming of the mind.

_Redemption_. In the midst of the metaphoric river in her psyche, that was what was clear and bold and leapt out, _redemption_. To vindicate, avenge, lash out, give the nightmare voice and repair the broken and shattered bits. The answer, the glue, the finality. _Redemption_.

The room seemed to contract, and she was hot, the eminence of the resolution was overwhelming and formidable, and she felt small and still so fearful in the face of her decision. She slid off her cloak without thinking, leaving her arms bare in the cool oxford shirt underneath.

"Oh, how pleasant, you've started without me."

The shriek that sounded was unearthly, human, and Lily hardly registered the sound coming from her mouth. His hateful, demonic voice shot up her spine like electricity, spreading into her nerves and paralyzing her. He laughed softly, so mockingly, behind her, and she heard the quiet click of the door. Hysterical suddenly, and feeling separated from her senses, she sprung around, backing up, furiously trying to remember where her wand was. _Pocket_. Unconnected thoughts. The sight of him standing there in the middle of her room poisoned her with a fear unparalleled even by the other times with him; it was the sheer impossibility. The invasion of her sanctuary.

"How the fuck did you get in here!" she screamed, hoping to God the whole world heard her. In light of her recent mulling, his appearance was surreal and catastrophic, she wasn't in any sure mind, and she was quickly letting control slip through her fingers. The impact of Ricky's words was still hot in her veins. He made soft clicking noises with his tongue.

"Such a gutter mouth, Evans." He said soothingly, stepping forward casually.

"NO!" she cried, leaping back, stopping him. "_HOW_? Get out, Get _OUT_!" Tears now. Her muscles were tight and painful, bunched under her skin.

"It's not really a concern, of yours," he responded airily. He reached casually into the pocket of his robe and held a Hufflepuff badge out, glinting in his palm. "But after our little rendezvous with Potter in the hall, I couldn't let you escape unpunished." He said in mock surprise, shaking his finger at her. "And things aren't always," he held up the badge and he winked. "as they seem."

_Hufflepuffs by the great hall entrance_. She moaned and could have beaten herself against the wall. Careless, careless stupidity, one simple word and disaster descended. He stepped towards her again and she almost threw herself backward.

"Stay away from me! Don't touch me! I won't let you touch me! _Get the fuck away from me_!" the sheer madness in her voice caused him to raise his eyebrows, a slight frown on his face.

"Oh, no. You're going to make this very difficult, aren't you? Tsk, tsk. You know, I do like things getting done smoothly, but if you're going to act like this…" he made a great deal of the sighing and frowning and shaking his head. Something in Lily snapped and her wand shot out of the pocket of her robe into her waiting hand, the wood causing hot friction against her skin.

"You _won't_ touch me _again, _you fucking son of a bitch." The curse she aimed at him hit him in the chest, and he roared with pain; she hadn't realized what she'd sent, her mind had done it subconsciously, that defensive magic that the wizard or witch used in dire situations. Mulciber took the cruciatus curse in stride, only letting it stumble him for a moment. He lunged across the room and took hold of her wrist, it thin in his meaty hands. Her hand snapped back and she hissed in pain, but struggled violently against him and held onto her wand for dear life, knowing exactly what she'd lose if that wand left her grasp.

Lily brought her knee up into his groin and stumbled backwards as he released her and fell forward, yelling. She started to run but his hand caught her ankle by the sock; she wildly fired a stunning spell at him but missed miserably in her panic, and with a mighty jerk he slammed her down on the floor, her leg curling beneath her in an unnatural fashion. She heard a crunch in her ankle as her weight went down on it and screamed, turning quickly onto all fours and still trying to scramble away, desperation taking over logic and propelling her forward. He was up now, towering over her, and furious, his eyes black and fathomless, hollow except for the center point of what Lily swore was pure evil in his soul. He shoved his foot into her ribs and she spun over, gasping for breath, her eyes widening in shock. Without hesitation, Mulciber reached down and took her by the shoulder, his hand closing around the place where the bones connected and wrenching her up. She shrieked for mercy and tears poured over her cheeks at the intensity of the pain he inflicted. He grabbed her wrist and twisted the wand out of it, shoving her back savagely against the wall, snapping her wand in half on the floor with his foot.

Her back, still mauled from the last encounter, collided with the wall and she closed her eyes with a moan, letting her head fall forward. She felt the will to fight slipping away, but she grasped at it all, she struggled with all the strength she had left, not caring if it took all her adrenaline to work that broken ankle and dislocated collarbone, again she shrieked, banshee-like, terrified. He was _laughing_. He took a handful of her hair and jerked her head up, shoving her skull back against the wall, his other hand filthy and grasping beneath her skirt, though she was still kicking her knees around, her just pinned his own up between her thighs against the wall. His hand, tangled in her fiery hair, pinned her face against the wall, tilted to the side. He looked at her briefly, the most sadistic grin spreading over his lips as he drank in the horror in her eyes and painted across her features.

"Why so serious?" He growled mockingly, a laugh bubbling to his lips.

…and he tore at her.

* * *

"How did Peter get drunk in under two firewhiskeys?"

"It's PETER he manages things like putting his jeans on backwards without noticing for six hours."

James and Sirius snickered appreciatively, not bothering to hide their noise as they made their way down to the head's dorm, Susanna in stride with them, not quite on the same level of euphoria.

James was on his self-sworn mission to drag Lily, kicking and screaming, if necessary, as he'd promised to the celebration of their brilliant win against Slytherin. They'd given her an hour. It was go time. Sirius had come along to help with the dragging and Susanna with the screaming. Well, he supposed she was here to suppress the screaming. She had looked at him in a strange, worried way when he'd announced his mission, seeming put out that Lily had promised to come and not shown. She'd followed Sirius out the portrait hole.

"You know I think Evans does too much homework." Sirius commented loudly, sticking his tongue out immaturely at a knight in armor as they passed. James, still marching forward like a man with a purpose—as he was—retorted without hesitation:

"That's because you always somehow get away with doing half the damn assignment."

"Oh yeah!" Sirius responded brightly. He winked at Susanna and affected a sort of mocking march behind James, waving his hands over his head like antlers. Susanna allowed him a smile before she gestured forward and caught up with James's quickening strides and continued in her silence, her own worries about Lily getting a bit stronger.

She'd been having fun at the party, real fun, more than she'd had the opportunity or allowed herself to have in a long time, and James's revelation had troubled her, given her a feeling of something being very wrong. The two head marauders didn't seem to feel the same way. Susanna was intuitive though, and she'd learned not to ignore her instinct, and her instincts said something was off.

"You know, Lily's warming up to me." James announced smugly, taking the stairs to the fourth floor two at a time.

"HA!" Sirius responded with a barking snort of laughter. "Oh, like dragons 'warm up' to adorable kittens, you mean." He said innocently. James huffed scornfully and thwacked Sirius in the ear, inciting a mini who-can-hit-who harder competition in the hall. Susanna rolled her eyes and jerked Sirius off James by his collar.

"Would you two stop?" she asked through her teeth, rolling her eyes. Sirius dusted himself off primly and stuck his tongue out at James. James sniggered at him teasingly.

"You're _whipped_." He whispered, his eyes telling Susanna it was just a joke. Aware of that as she was, she wasn't in the mood for it. Sirius apparently was. He gave a huge, injured gasp.

"I am most certainly NOT." He cried, turning to Susanna indignantly. "Babe, have you ever whipped me?" he asked slyly, with that hint of tantalizing innocence in his voice. Susanna glared at him, her lips twitching at the corners.

"Lily," she said sharply over his shoulder to James. He nodded and saluted her, and they were back on track to the entrance to the dorm.

"Phoenix." James gave the password confidently. The gargoyle blinked its eye open and nodded sleepily as usual, its well-hidden column-door sliding open smoothly. Sirius had said something to Susanna and was laughing heartily again, and Susanna relented a giggle as the stone door slid shut behind them. James, for some reason, was struck by the oddly silent, empty dorm, as he knew Lily liked to do her homework in front of the dying fire when she was alone. He looked around to ask Susanna; Sirius was talking.

"Prongs, no, listen, I'll be funny, we can scare—"

A resounding thud, followed by an unearthly piercing shriek. Sirius turned his head towards Lily's room slowly, his eyebrows raised.

"What the _hell_ was that?" he asked, referring not to the sound, the 'what' of which was clear, but the reason for it. James looked at Susanna, who had started, reactionary, towards the stairs with a sudden fearful look on her face.

"That was Lily," James said slowly, starting to doubt something in the back of his mind, remembering her scream from the _spider_ once before. Sirius smiled wickedly and got up the stairs halfway before Susanna.

"She prob'ly say a spider." He sighed slyly, winking. Susanna's eyebrows furrowed and she kind of rolled her eyes.

"Lily's not afraid of _spiders_," she said.

"What?" James asked sharply, leaping towards the stairs. Sirius hadn't heard her informatory comment and was at the door opening it before they could stop him; they were right behind him when he pushed the door open.

"All right, Evans, do you need us to kill the big, bad—"

Sirius dropped off suddenly into rigid, hollow, dead silence, the scene before them spread across their vision like blood spilled across a blank canvas; you didn't want to see, but you kept looking, transfixed. Susanna snapped them out of their horror-struck immobility by starting to scream. She shrieked and stumbled back against the wall, turning her face away, at the same instant that Sirius's wand was in his hand and the blood red hex hit Mulciber square in his back. He arched back with a yell of surprise, and James shot across the room, appearing in front of him before he could realize what was happening; James grabbed Mulciber by the neck and yanked with all the strength he possessed, propelling Mulciber backwards behind him to where Sirius was, livid, wand out, James's only thought to get the monster away from Lily. James lunged forward to grasp Lily before she slid down and fell but she screamed and swiveled away from him, her eyes smashed shut tightly.

"LILY--!" he cried pleadingly, just as Sirius shouted warningly and he had time to whip around and throw up a shield before Mulciber's curse hit him. He positioned himself in front of Lily's crumpled form, his lips pulled back over his teeth in a snarl; Sirius had Mulciber pinned on the floor with his knee in the other's stomach, but Mulciber was throwing curses every which way while Sirius struggled to block the spells from Susanna and get his wand away simultaneously. Susanna was behind him, pressed against the wall, her face ghost-white and covered in tears.

James stormed swiftly forward, busting Mulciber's wand out of his hand with a wordless disarming spell, and pulled him out from under Sirius. Mulciber was bigger, James was angrier. James took hold of Mulciber's cloak tightly and slung him around towards Lily's bathroom, away from Susanna and Sirius and into a corner. He advanced towards him, his own wand forgotten in a haze of red rage, and laid his hands on him again, more violently, his fingers aching to lock around Mulciber's neck until he breathed no more.

"Get the _fuck_ out, Susanna." He heard sharply, in a low voice. Sirius was dead on too, there was no hint of happiness in his usually carefree voice. He heard a whimper. "_Get_ _out_!" repeated sharply from his friend.

James was unaware of his surroundings almost, except that Sirius was trying to keep Mulciber from getting past James; they didn't know what to do. Mulciber got his wand back and it glowed orange in his grip, producing a resulting sting hex like no other James knew; he was blasted backwards with the burn, sliding across the floor, the carpet running along and burning his wrists.

"You fucking piece of shit!" Sirius barreled into Mulciber as James struggled up from the hex, punching him, causing blood to spurt from his nose. Sirius received a scratch down his face in return, and out of the corner of his eye James caught Susanna's movement. She threw her wand out steadily:

"IMPEDIMENTA!" she bellowed over the thudding. Mulciber was thrown back against the wall and James pushed Sirius out of the way to get to him, taking his wand and throwing it against the wall to Susanna. He drew Mulciber's head up by the neck of his shirt and hit him, again and again, never feeling like the rage and the horror and disgust was going to fade from what they'd walked in on.

"Stop, _stop_ _him_!" he heard shrill screaming, and Sirius was pulling him, his grip firm and vice-like, his tone still cold and icy, like only James ever heard him use.

"You'll kill him." James gave a feral growl and stood panting while Sirius held his hands, Mulciber's head twitched and Susanna's reaction was fast as a blink; she stunned him, and burst into fresh tears, collapsing against the wall.

"Let me go." James said in a deadly voice. Sirius held on stubbornly.

"Don't touch him. Don't kill him." He warned just as stubbornly.

"He deserves worse than any fucking death I could give him." James snarled, jerking out of Sirius's grasp and standing with clenched fists. He knew what Sirius's point was though. There were some things worse than death. And with Mulciber alive, they got out of a tangled murder rap and he would get worse than death.

The surroundings and reality started to come back to James, the sound of Susanna's harsh sobbing and the image of Lily, out of his peripheral, that made him want to close his eyes. He turned slightly to the left; Sirius had knelt beside Susanna, he was putting his arm around her shoulder and turning her away, making her stop looking, his own eyes looking determinedly back at James.

"Get him out," James said through tightly compressed lips, his teeth clenched and grinding together. "and get Professor Dumbledore."

Sirius held his wand steadily, and grimly levitated Mulciber's body, motioning it out the door and down the stairs, flicking his wand downward. James knew he put Mulciber down just softly enough not to kill him. Sirius was picking Susanna up, securing her arm around his shoulders. His cold expression didn't change as he gave James a sharp nod and shut the door behind them.

James's blind footsteps took him to Lily where she lay in the corner, forgotten in the midst of the rage and battle that ensued on the boys' part. She was slumped, with one leg under her, curled, shaking, and the other bent to support her, her arms splayed on each side of the wall and curled as if digging in the stone to keep her supported. James swallowed hard and knelt down, avoiding looking at her ripped and torn clothing, her exposed skin, and tried not to think about the blood on her, all over, arms and legs, her things, and the dark bruises blossoming on her. Her shaking was violent, her breathing harsh and shallow. He reached out to touch her hair, and anticipated, though it chilled him to the bone, her reaction. She fell all the way to the floor, flinching away, screaming again, tears falling out of her closed eyes as Susanna's had moments ago, but unlike Susanna she was completely broken and almost unable to summon anymore of her already exhausted emotion. He kept his hand on her hair and applied the lightest pressure; Lily cried out.

"NO, no, don't. Don't touch me," she yelped hysterically, her worn voice fading to a whimper, but all hysterical and panicked the same, "please, not again… _don't touch me_!"

James, unable to bear it, leaned forward and took her other shoulder, ignoring the struggling and screaming she put up in response and pulled her towards him, leaning her back in the crook of one arm and putting his other hand against her pale bruised cheek so it caught her steady falling tears, he murmured shushing at her and tangled his fingers in her hair.

"He's gone, Lily. He's gone." He said, his voice thick and gruff, trying to force its way through the blockade in his throat and sound normal. She opened her eyes to him, and the dull, empty, darkness in her once sparkling green eyes sickened him. She let her eyes take him in, though they were cloudy and uncomprehending, and when the widened slowly in sudden realization of rescue she shuddered, squeezed her eyes shut again, turned her face away from him into his chest by his arm—as if she didn't want him looking at her—and cried violently.

He pulled the ripped bits fabric of her clothing over around her bare skin, slid his hand off his cheek and wrapped his arm around her back gently, pulling her close, to hold her.

**

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**Please Review now, and I shall love you forever!

--"Why so serious?" a play on The Dark Knight's Joker.

Alexa


	7. Movement Vi: Innocence

**A/N: **I am quite sorry it's been a while, I'm writing two stories, and the nschool work is pretty heavy, so i'm trying to balance out updates on both stories. Bear with me! I hope this chapter makes up for it. It is a bit shorter, but i go with what works, and that's what worked.

Oh, yeah; i'm giving Kira2667 an award for best, longest review ever :) so snaps for her.

Enjoy!

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**Chapter Seven: Movement Vi: Innocence**

James pulled the bedroom door shut behind him with a soft click, his eyes closed tightly, and leaned against it, his head bowed forward so his chin touched his chest. He stood silently in the shadows of the nook outside the door, where he was still hidden from the view of the common room, his head throbbing. He could hear nothing through the mahogany wood of her door, and the silence was equally a blessing and a gaping reminder. He let his hand slide off the bronze door knob and started down the stairs, his face set in a solemn mask, unsure of who was in the common room.

He let his hand slide down the glossy banister absently, Lily's ghostly white face still tattooed in his mind. Professor Dumbledore had appeared what seemed like seconds after Sirius's disappearance, followed by Madam Pomfrey. James flinched at the memory of Dumbledore—he'd never seen the docile, kind old headmaster as powerfully irate as he had been as he stood in the doorway looking over James, his eyes as black as onyx coal and anger seeming to perceptibly emanate from him. Madam Pomfrey had pulled him away from Lily gently, speaking to him softly, her mouth small and turned down at the corners, and Dumbledore had quietly asked him to leave, his voice underscored with a biting chilliness.

James wasn't really surprised to see Sirius seated in the green armchair by the now warmly lit fire, his dark head turned and staring into it stiffly. He heard James's light step on the stairs and turned to look sharply, his senses quick as always. He didn't move at all beyond the turn of his head; Susanna was curled in his lap, her legs hanging down the chair over his and her head, face turned away from James, laid on his shoulder. James trudged over to the couch and sat down, rested his elbow on the side and put his forehead against the tips of his fingers.

No one said anything. He didn't even know if Susanna was awake or knew he was there. It was like they were frozen in time, stuck in a place where everything was broken and they stopped it all just to go back to a time when there wasn't yet a tangible example of evil in the world. James squeezed his eyes shut tighter, clenching his teeth together, and spread his hand over his face, his eyes stinging under his shut lids. He hadn't cried in years, not since a favorite grandfather's death the summer of his third year, and that had been only in the presence of his sister and Sirius; he wasn't a crier anyway. But he just couldn't seem to stop it now. He was _horrified_ and angry and disgusted and shocked...and every overwhelming emotion manifested itself in tears. His shoulders barely shook and he made hardly a noise, but it was enough for Sirius to know.

Susanna looked around when Sirius got up, leaving her in the chair gently and moving to sit beside his friend on the couch. Her face, streaked with black mascara and pale, watched the two boys through a blur of water. Sirius put his hand on James's shoulder and gripped it tightly, not saying a word; he looked across the room at Susanna, his lips pressed in a thin line and his own eyes as dry and hard as they'd been when he'd ordered her away from Mulciber in the room.

Susanna looked at James, her lips trembling and her eyelashes heavy with tears. She didn't say a word as Sirius leaned his forehead against the side of James's bowed head and set his jaw stonily. James's nails dug into the soft fabric of the couch his hand rested on, and his harsh breathing was the only sound in the room besides the deafening crackling of the flames in the hearth. She was struck with the irony of three of possibly the most publicly unemotional people at Hogwarts falling apart in the head's common room. Only Sirius seemed to hold his composure, and whether that was because of his nature or an assertion that someone had to hold together, she didn't know.

James stood up, drew the back of his hand across his eyes swiftly, and walked to the fire, leaning against the mantle with his face turned towards the flames. Sirius leaned back and looked back at Susanna briefly, as if to gauge her condition. James cleared his throat.

"What happened?" he asked Sirius, looking up at him. The orange light of the fire reflected on his face and gave his dark eyes an eerie glow. Susanna looked on silently, letting Sirius take on the explanation, having been one to only bear witness and stand shivering next to him in the headmaster's office.

"I didn't have to say anything…he saw Mulciber, and he looked at Susanna, and he was standing up behind his desk _bloody_ furious, and he just asked who it was in this _ice_ cold voice. I told him…Lily Evans…he barked orders at the portraits and left…we followed him back but I don't think he noticed." Sirius responded quietly.

James nodded; his fingers balled into a fist on top of the mantle, and looked back into the fire. The heat from the generous flames erased any evidence of tears from his face in seconds. Sirius seemed about to say something, but hesitated, and James beat him to the punch.

"And Mulciber?"

"McGonagall…and the ministry." Sirius answered softly. James didn't show any sign of shock; he nodded curtly again. James stood without another word for a moment, then suddenly swung his hand across the top of the mantel and swept an ornamental vase across the room; it shattered loudly against the wall, mixing with Susanna's shriek of surprise. Sirius hardly flinched.

"Easy, mate." He reprimanded. James's shoulders shook as he turned and glared at Sirius, his eyes wide.

"Do you know how much I wish it was his fucking _head_?" he snarled.

"Not any less than I do." Sirius answered equally. James looked at his best friend lividly, his lips parted across clenched teeth.

"How can you sit there so calmly?" he hissed angrily, his fingers flexing by his side. "How can you tell me _to take it easy_ after what we just saw him _doing_ to her? And how long has it been going on, Sirius? How long? Because there's been something fucking _wrong_ with her for _weeks_. And I can't just sit here and think of him touching her—I CANNOT SIT HERE AND _TAKE IT EASY!" _James roared, taking another decorative object off the mantle and hurling it across the room with a force that splintered it to tiny pieces against the opposite wall. Sirius was up across the room in a flash, his back rigid, grasping James's arm in his and holding it firmly in place where it was raised above his head.

"Nothing—_nothing_, James!—you could possibly do to Mulciber will change anything. It may make _you_ feel better, it may give _you_ pleasure, but nothing _you_ do to that _fucking_ monster is going to fix the damage he inflicted on _Lily_." Sirius growled, staring straight into James's eyes with every heavy word.

James jerked his wrist out of the other boy's grip and stepped back, glaring at him furiously, slammed with the crushing reality of the words.

"How do we fix _Lily_ then, Sirius?" James asked in a low, dark voice. Sirius bared his teeth, sorrow in his obsidian eyes and disgust on his face.

"She will _never_ be the same, James—he took away her _innocence_." The blunt truth of what he already knew knocked the fire out of his wrath. Sirius relaxed his defensive stance a bit, and watched his friend closely.

"I know what he did." James said tightly.

"It's not your _fault_." Sirius said, knowing exactly the turmoil that was going through his best friends mind and determined to dispel that ridiculous notion. He glared at James stubbornly. James didn't answer. "You didn't cause it or fail her in _anyway. _You didn't _know."_

"Are you trying to make me feel _better_?" James growled. Sirius searched James's face, his eyes, a more grown person than James, more accustomed to bitter rejection and the complete unfairness of the world. Sirius, the joker and king of pranks at Hogwarts, was already privy to the caprice of the real world, having his roots where they were, and he knew that the reason behind James's hostility was the realization of brutality in the universe and the loss of naïveté.

"Nothing's going to make you _feel better_. But if you take it from me and listen to someone who knows, you don't blame yourself for something you can't help and will never change—you put 'what ifs' and 'I should haves' behind you. Forget about avenging your own anger and you can save _her_."

Susanna watched Sirius, almost mesmerized to forgetting their situation by the words coming out of his mouth. Hardened, cynical, and completely true words, coming out of a mouth too young to be speaking such. James looked back at the fire, accepting the validity of Sirius's words himself.

Susanna got up from the couch and walked slowly towards the fire, the heat flooding over her like a blanket but not managing to touch the coolness the discover of Lily's secret had left in her soul. She pulled Sirius's arm and turned him towards her, away from James, sympathetic to James's feelings and, though both she and James knew he was right, wanting Sirius to give the head boy a break. She put her hand on his cheek and took in his gaze solemnly, sniffing quietly to clear her naval passage.

"What are they doing up there, James?" she asked gently, not taking her eyes of Sirius. He pulled his eyes away and looked over her shoulder into the fire. She saw the flames reflected in his eyes.

"I don't know," muttered James, rubbing his temple with his thumb and forefinger. "She—she took Lily from me and when I left—"

All three heads turned sharply towards the stairs as they heard the gentle footfall on the stairs and the click of the door. There was Professor Dumbledore on the stairs, down them swiftly followed by the short, plump form of a solemn Madame Pomfrey. Neither acknowledged the students in the room. The tall, wizened headmaster turned to the nurse and spoke softly, his tone mild again.

"It is to be given to whomever so they send, Poppy. Minerva has contacted Miss Evans parents; you are to speak to Mr. and Mrs. Evans before they see their daughter."

Madame Pomfrey nodded, and her eyes slid briefly to the group gathered by the fireplace before she turned and left the dorm silently. Professor Dumbledore turned to them, a sad little smile on his face, and walked towards the middle of the room. He took a seat in the armchair opposite the one Susanna and Sirius had been curled in on James's entrance, and gestured the other seats.

Without a word, Susanna slipped her hand off Sirius's face and sat again in her armchair, this time sans Sirius, while the boys sat on the couch. Dumbledore did not speak as they sat, but he did repair the two objects James had inflicted his fury on and placed them lightly back on the mantle.

"Anger," he stared lightly, "is a fickle emotion. It flares strong, and succeeds only in getting us into trouble." His voice was un-accusing and understanding. "I myself find meditation a healthy way to quell that particular feeling."

James's fingers flexed on his knee but he didn't say anything.

"Professor," Susanna started hesitantly, in a composed but small voice, "is Lily…?" she didn't know what to ask, really, but the concern she felt for her friend was overwhelming. Professor Dumbledore turned benign blue eyes on her, though the usual mischievous sparkle was absent.

"Miss Evans is in a very deep, dreamless sleep. Madame Pomfrey has patched her up, and I do believe she'll be fine," he answered calmly, the lines on his face pronounced, making him look older than he'd ever seemed. "physically, that is." He added, his eyes very sad. Sirius looked from Dumbledore to Susanna stoically, while James stared straight ahead with his hands on his knees.

"I am afraid," Dumbledore began again, hardly missing a heartbeat, "that I you must relate to me the events leading up to my involvement. As painful as it may be, it will only serve to help Miss Evans in the end."

For the first time, James looked over to the old professor, his lips moving soundlessly for a moment.

"I don't know how he got _in_," he said desperately, sounding more hopeless than he had all night. "We came…she promised to come to the party, and we came to get her. We heard her scream, and Sirius thought she saw a spider or something, and we opened the door and _Mulciber_ was there…" James stopped abruptly, licking his lips. "I don't know how he got in!" James repeated, louder.

"We attacked him and got him off of her." Sirius picked up solemnly, turning his eyes to Dumbledore and speaking measurably. "And came straight to you. That's all we know, Professor." His voice was so monotone and unhurt, it even surprised Susanna.

Professor Dumbledore acknknowledged Sirius with a small nod; he was still looking on James.

"That, Mr. Potter, is something Miss Evans may be able to, when she is able to bear witness." He said soothingly. James looked at him with glazed eyes, shaking his head. He said nothing though. Dumbledore continued, his understanding blue eyes taking in each of them in turn as he spoke

"Mulciber has been removed from the school and is in the hand of the authorities. What happened here tonight will no doubt become the fodder of gossip by morning, as we suspect some of Mulciber's friends may have known and the McDonalds were contacted as well. Do not worry yourselves as to _them_. I am asking you to speak nothing of this until magical law has sorted everything out. Unfortunately, each one of you will be questioned, and without the presence of an adult, in some cases as you are of age. You are to tell the truth and everything you know, for lying will do absolutely no good."

Professor Dumbledore stopped smoothly for a moment, letting his words sink in, and allowing the students' time to process it all. He spoke again, softer, if possible, but still easy to be heard.

"A more devastating thing I cannot imagine, and that it happened twice in this school is to my utter horror. But I will not have the safety of this school disputed; you can be sure there will be repercussions worthy of the crime this time. You are, of course, free to retreat to your dormitories, or stay here, if you prefer respite from the school's curiosity. But I believe," her he looked at Susanna piercingly, "there are some who need to know what happened here."

Professor Dumbledore stood up, his impressive figure towering over them all, his all-seeing blue eyes gazing down on them sadly.

"I must attend to the particulars of these matters at once. Miss Evans parents will arrive at the school in a few hours, and there is the sad business of informing them of what has befallen their daughter."

For a moment, he stood looking at them, and James thought he saw tears in his heroic headmaster's eyes. The wise old man turned to get, his robe sweeping after him as he headed for the statuesque exit. He hesitated a moment, and turned to them again before leaving.

"I am sorry for this." He said sadly, and was gone.

Silence, and then Susanna leaned her head forward in her hands and started to cry quietly again, faced with the idea of telling Sasha and Alice what had happened, as they would be questioned because of their closeness to Lily and knowledge of her character. James stood up and stared at the fire for a moment, oblivious to either Susanna or Sirius, absorbed for a moment in his own mind.

His thoughts were on Lily. Circled around what Sirius had said, all those harsh words about saving her, her innocence, and her ultimate change from the Lily who used to be. He didn't want to see that in her. He turned towards the stair, ignoring Sirius calling his name sharply from behind him. He didn't notice Sirius get up and follow him until, when his foot hit the fourth stair to Lily's room; Sirius's voice again stopped him.

"What are you going to do?" he asked sharply, as if he suspected James of some kind of trickery.

James didn't answer right away, as he tried to find the right words for his need to be close to her and watch her and know she was safe and untouched by evil. Quietly, determinedly, he finally answered:

"I'm going to save her, Sirius."

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Ok, guys, I must reprimand you a bit for slacking off on reviews last time. I'd appreciate at least 10 for this chapter; I have over 300 hits and about 6 reviews per chapter, which sounds a little disproportionate to me.

Thanks!


	8. Movement I: Mercy

**A/N: **I KNOW it has been a monstrously long time, plese don't kill me, I really did try, I just wanted to find the right way to start continuing, and I wanted time to do it justice, so it's better for me to wait until there's a weekend with no homework instead of cramming it in late at night. Does this explanation get me off the hook puppy eyes

Also, a quick note. I'm looking for a beta for this story, as right now I am editing myself and I think i miss a lot. Anyone interested, or know someone? Do tell.

Bit shorter, but it worked.

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**Chapter Eight: Movement I: Mercy**

James had done nothing but watch her sleep for an hour.

He sat in a chair across the room, by the bookcase, his knees pulled up to his chest, chin resting on them, watching her for any sign of discomfort or distress. He made it his mission to wake her up from any nightmare before they got too bad. That enchantment spell of Dumbledore's was holding out spectacularly, so far.

He tapped his fingers silently against his leg as he stared, his eyes dry and sore from the near unblinking vigil he led. Lily rested on her side, the soft fabric of the bedclothes gathered at her waist, covered in a fluffy white bathrobe, her hair spread behind her on a pillow almost, sickly ironic as it sounded, like fresh blood. There was still no color to her cheeks, but at least now her skin was clearer and her eyes fresh and unmarked with either smeared make-up, tears, or bruises. She was easier to look at physically, if not emotionally. He still clenched his fists when he looked at her and projected his remembrance of the sheer terror in her face when they'd first come into the room hours ago onto her now almost calm expression.

Hours, had it been hours? It felt alternately like days and then seconds. He didn't know if Sirius or Susanna, or both, were still in the common room, and he wasn't really sure how long he'd been sitting here beyond knowing it was close to an hour or more. James didn't even know if he was supposed to be in here. Dumbledore had given no instructions, other than basically telling them not to leave, or if they did to stay in Gryffindor tower. He just felt like someone needed to be watching her. God knew no one had watched closely enough before.

James stretched his legs out, turning and letting them hit the floor, closing his eyes tightly and opening them, trying to get some moisture in them again. His knees protested as he bent them back and forth, the muscles sore and gathered together from staying so long in the bent position. He brushed his fingers through his hair without noticing, catching his fingers in snags and tangles. He needed to move, do something, but he was afraid of making any noise that might wake her.

He got up and looked over the books in her bookcase, all neatly arranged by size and subject, some with notes sticking out of the top. Her book bag was slung over the back of her desk chair, open; he could see the books and quills all meticulously arranged, no stray papers or bent up quills or empty ink pots. Her desk was spotless too, and the floor had hardly anything on it. He almost didn't believe the level of cleanliness she was living in. Surely Madam Pomfrey or Dumbledore had done this…but no, he remembered seeing over her shoulder before.

Her trunk, across the room next to her bedside table, was open, and he walked over to look inside, glancing at the bed for a second. Rather surprisingly, there were wintry muggle clothes tossed inside, a few books he'd never heard of, a black velvet box, and a mess of wrapped sweets strewn throughout the trunk. James smiled with a raised eyebrow, finding it comforting that she was capable of being a little sloppy. He turned to the bedside table, looking at her sideways to make sure she was still asleep. Her face was turned towards him, smooth and comatose, her lips parted just slightly.

He looked back down the bedside table, and examined the things there. It was cluttered, in an organized way, if that was possible. Instead of the usual lamp most people kept on a bedside table, Lily had a mint-green candle sitting on a jeweled clay plate; it looked as if someone had made it for her. James reached down and sifted through a few necklaces and two pairs of earrings, looking at the other things on the table. A hardback book with three woven, colored strings as a bookmark, a bottle of perfume, a red hair ribbon, and—this made his heart skip—a Hufflepuff badge.

Swallowing hard, he turned the badge over and back on the table running his thumb over the engraved badger and 'H', a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't sure quite how he knew exactly what it meant, but he did. It was like a flame just sprung up in his mind, and he remembered clearly the _Hufflepuffs_ standing by the door when he'd asked Lily for the password…his hand shook. It was unspeakable what this badge being here meant. How could he have been so careless, so stupid…he could have…

His paralyzing thoughts were interrupted by a short whimper. He let the badge slide from trembling fingers and looked to the bed. Her brow furrowed in the middle and she flexed her hand on the pillow next to her cheek. James moved in front of the bedside table and reached out hesitantly, touching her shoulder when she whimpered again.

"Lily?" he said quietly. She _shrieked_. She sat up before he realized she was awake and pressed herself back against the headboard, her shoulders shaking, knees pulled up to her chest. James pulled his hand back, his heartbeat irregular, and breathed in steadily, still speaking quietly.

"Calm down. You're safe." He said soothingly, not daring to move for fear of causing her to scream again. "It's me, Lily."

"James?" she asked softly, her hand reaching up to push hair behind her shoulders. She stared at him, unfocused, her voice weak and unsure. James nodded, stepping closer until he stood against the side of the bed, so maybe she could see him clearer through the fading spell in her eyes. He saw her throat move as she swallowed; she closed her eyes and opened them slowly.

"You scared me," she said, almost inaudibly, her voice hoarse. "I thought you were…someone else."

"I'm sorry," James said immediately, mentally kicking himself. So much for making sure she didn't get afraid. He saw her eyes drift to the hand he still had next to the Hufflepuff badge, and she pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, looking it at, mesmerized. James suddenly wondered why Dumbledore hadn't removed it, or if it had simply been overlooked. He moved his entire hand over it, hiding it from her view, curling his fingers around it.

"Just don't think about it, Lily." He advised, sliding his hand with the badge in it behind his back. He let it fall to the floor and nudged it under the bedside table with his foot. He wondered if he told her that for herself or his own peace of mind. As if she couldn't think about it. As if he couldn't.

She didn't say anything, she just looked at him with a hint of disbelief in her eyes, and he really couldn't blame here. What kind of comfort was that, telling her not to think about it? Hadn't that been what she'd been doing, ignoring it? James opened his mouth and closed it, feeling miserable. Lily turned her head away and plucked at the sheets for a moment; she put her head on her knees and he heard her breathe in shakily. She was crying.

James sat tentatively on the edge of the bed and reached for her hand on the pillow, covering it with his. She curled her fingers under his, and he tugged on her arm gently, pulling her towards him. She let him put his arm around her shoulders and leaned back in the crook of his arm, her face shielded by a curtain of hair.

"I can't stop thinking about it," she said, raising a shaky hand to her eyes. "It overshadows _everything_…I can't look at myself." Her voice quivered as she tried to keep it steady. James squeezed her shoulder, turning her closer to him.

She spread her hand across her face, pressing her palm into the bridge of her nose. She didn't say anything else, but her shoulders shook and she still cried, her lips moving every once in a while, like she was trying to speak. He didn't press her, suddenly thinking of what the men from magical law would make her repeat…

"You didn't do anything wrong…you can't think you did," James said, for some reason thinking of Sirius's harsh words of reality in the common room. "They got rid of him, Mul—he's gone."

"_He_ is _never_ going to be _gone_." She whispered tensely.

He bit his lip; they cracked beneath his teeth, dry from being wet with nerves all night. Wasn't she right? Wasn't that the same thing that Sirius had already warned him about? _She will never be the same! _And he remembered more of Sirius's words, struck with how wise his best friend really was, and wanted to apply them to Lily, more than anything, to make her believe it. _You don't blame yourself for something you can't help and will never change…_but that sounded so wrong. To say that felt wrong. It had applied in James's angry situation, but to say that to her seemed harsh, unfeeling. He kept his mouth shut.

Lily looked up at the same time as James, both having heard the soft knocks against her door. She drew her hand under her eyes, her shoulders shifting away from James. He removed his arm and got up, walking to the door without thinking, having no intention of letting anyone but possibly Susanna in the room. He opened the door a crack and his eyes widened, he pursed his lips.

A short, distressed-looking woman stood there, in front of a much taller, stronger looking man whose face was set and pale around two liquid brown eyes. He had dark reddish hair and a long nose; she was light brunette with soft, almond-shaped green eyes and hands clasped in front of her. They had to be Lily's parents. James had never seen any woman so similar to her in face as this woman.

"I'm sorry...we were looking for Lil—I'm Lisabeth Evans?" she sounded so uncertain of herself, like she was completely lost.

"Oh! Um, yeah she's—she's here." James said, his voice deeper than usual. Lisabeth Evans looked a little confused, if not upset, and turned to look who James assumed was her husband, before looking at him quizzically. James opened the door wider, it suddenly clicking in his head that her parents probably wondered why he was in her room with her.

"I'm James. James Potter." He clarified. He held out his hand, as he'd always been taught to do by his mother, and Lily's father reached beside his wife and took it firmly, nodding. His eyes betrayed that he'd been told every detail of what had happened. Lisabeth Evans's eyes widened slightly.

"Oh," she said. Apparently Lily had talked about him, for the look of recognition in her eyes wasn't exactly new. Her husband nudged her from behind and Lisabeth stepped into the room beside James, looking immediately to the bed, where Lily still sat against the headboard.

"Mum," he heard softly, shakily, still grasped by her imposing father.

"Edward Evans, Mr. Potter." He said in a deep voice, though very low. He glanced at his wife and Lily momentarily and then back to James. "Headmaster spoke to me about you, son." He said, nodding at James. James swallowed and shrugged a little, unsure what to say. Edward Evans studied James for a minute and released his hand, straightening up. "Give us time with our daughter." He requested, as if anyone would refuse him that. James slipped past him silently and heard the door shut behind him, closing out Lily and her parents.

He couldn't comprehend the thoughts going through either of her parents minds. He imagined them; contacted by the school they'd trusted with their daughter's well-being and told something like _this_. How could they, already unfamiliar with this world and probably wary of whatever Lily came home talking about, with the witchcraft and strange magical theories, ever trust a place like this again, where they had no control over the protection of Lily. He shuddered, standing on the stairs still, thinking about what his own mother's reaction would be to him disappearing into the _muggle_ world. She wouldn't be able to handle that. And for this to happen, something unspeakable and nearly impossible—at Hogwarts, of all places—to her, to Lily, someone only recently of their world…no wonder there were secrets between universes.

James rubbed his forehead hard as he walked down the stairs, not even looking as he took steps and walked across the familiar common room. Sirius's robe was wadded up on the floor in front of the fire, next to a pair of sneakers and socks, but he was nowhere to be seen, nor Susanna.

James wondered vaguely where they were, whether Susanna was telling the tale to Alice and Sasha, or if they'd both been taken to Dumbledore for questioning, and he was next. He thought about that session dubiously, apathetically. He didn't want to repeat anything he'd seen again, not when it entailed describing Lily in vile terms to perfect strangers. It wouldn't stop him from bringing justice, but it would make it then thousand times harder.

He opened the door to his room and left it cracked as he entered, looking around at the mess of clothing, books, old homework assignments and random trinkets strewn on the floor, and the messy unmade bed. The mess suddenly bothered him, it reminded him of what a mess things really where, of how unorganized an unobservant he was. He was blind to things falling apart around him. He wondered if the pristine cleanliness of Lily's room, of the sudden sort of jumbled mess in her trunk mirrored her life—composed on the outside, a mess inside, like his room reflected his obliviousness. In the back of his mind, he laughed at himself for all the ridiculous metaphors he was applying to something as simple of the level of organization in his room, but everything was wrong and messed up now, so why shouldn't he?

Mechanically and uncharacteristically, he bent down and picked up a few shirts off the floor, slowly moving onto the rest of the room. He didn't stop until dirty clothes were piled in the corner for the house elves, robes were folded or hung up, socks and underwear were back where they were supposed to be, and the bed was made neatly. He removed the crumbs off the floor and the dust off the furniture with a muttered spell, and ironically thought about how proud his mother would be. He was turning _into_ his mother, actually, if he was resorting to cleaning to take his mind off things.

He suddenly wondered if his parents knew what was going on. If _anyone_ knew. If it was in the _Prophet_ or around the school. He realized he had no idea how something like this would play out. Lily was seventeen, so were he and Mulciber, and Sirius and Susanna as well. And it wasn't some practical joke gone wrong, where someone innocently got hurt, it was a heinous crime, one that landed some older wizards in Azkaban, though it didn't happen quite as frequently as it seemed to in the muggle world. He didn't know if there would be a trial at the ministry, or what kind of punishment Mulciber was eligible for, but the crushing weight of all of it seemed to fall on him suddenly, like he hadn't before realized the magnitude of the entire nightmare. He didn't even know the rules for something like this, happening at school, where the student was under guardianship of students, yet of age. Or of how Lily's parents could proceed, knowing nothing of magical law.

His head pounded with all of it, the headache stabbing. He groaned, wishing that there was any way to just change it all, to fix it all, wondering if there was probable cause for him to request a time-turner…but no, then Mulciber would hurt someone else, or something worse…it was never wise to play with time but he wanted to, almost _needed_ to change everything—he had never wanted to change anything this badly before.

James stopped rubbing his head sharply as the name Mary McDonald surfaced in his head. He couldn't believe he'd forgotten that…this _surely_ proved everything she'd said that no one had believed. He thought of Ricky, of how Ricky had always told her story stubbornly, angrily, hating everyone for denying her words, even if she had been a tale-teller. No one had believed Mary because…because why? Because she was someone people hadn't really liked? Would they believe Lily, him? Would they believe Sirius and Susanna, as witnesses? Mulciber had gotten off, even though Dumbledore had believed in her and all the grave mistakes of those higher in justice than him, who blocked Dumbledore's protests and ignored Mary's parents and shut Ricky up had rebounded and hit Lily. James clenched his fist at his side, suddenly seeing clearly ever moment when this could have been prevented.

The Hufflepuffs by the door. Believing in Ricky. Two things that might have stopped it. And seeing that, he saw more. They could have patrolled together, they should have. He should have paid better attention to her panicked reactions to Mulciber; he could have investigated that one bloodcurdling scream, what if that had been _him_? These thoughts were overwhelming.

Hogwarts had always been so safe. So wonderful. No one had ever once questioned the welfare of their child when they packed them off too boarding school, no wizarding parent thought twice about letting an eleven year old stay at the school the entire year without going home. He couldn't imagine it changing, but now it had, it infinitely had, and who knew if it would ever be the same? The revealed danger inside the school, the reminder that wizards went bad even as youngsters, reflected the outside world, the growing threat of the self-acclaimed 'dark lord' and the danger and creeping fear that was starting to infect every one. James knew it was getting worse than people generally knew; his father worked for the ministry, came home tired and haggard, and worried every day. It was almost like there was nothing nice left _anywhere_.

James pulled at his hair and went into his bathroom, slamming the door behind him, not helping his headache at all. Still, the sound soothed him some, though it was nonsensical. He reached into the shower and turned the water on cold, cold as it would go, and bent forward over the sink as he waited for a moment for the old pipes to steady the stream of water. He always soaked in cold, pounding water when he was upset—the colder the better. It just seemed to freeze everything out, to harden him, until he could think about nothing but how damn cold it was, and he pushed himself until his lips turned blue and his fingers wouldn't bend and then he stopped, momentarily numb to everything. He stared at his reflection as he jerked off his clothing violently, desperate for that feeling of complete ice, and kicked them into a corner. He took time to push the lock on the bathroom door in before he stepped in and immersed himself under the chilling downpour.

* * *

--Do not slack off on reviews. I got a wonderful response last time, please don't forget! Reviews keep us authros going. So 10, though I'd love more!

Alexa


	9. Question

**A/N: **Well, I managed to update in a week this time! This, I would consider as sort of a 'bridge chapter'. I'm not sure its very good, and maybe not exactly how I wanted it, but it was a bit hard to work with at this point. It might be a bit shorter than usualy, but I believe it's longer than last week's :) I dop hope you'll go easy, as you know we sometimes have to have bridge chappies to get to the good stuff.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Nine:Question**

His dreams were haunted by doors and hallways.

_He ran down the hallway, panic rising in his throat,_ _blocking his voice box, unable to speak. The doors grew larger and the screams louder; he still couldn't find her. He flung open door after door, finding nothing but empty rooms and floors littered with water lilies. He put his hand to his head desperately, trying to stop his headache, suddenly feeling someone behind him. He sprinted to get away, hearing her calling out, trying to avoid the unknown thing behind him. A hand reached out, grabbed his shoulder hard, and began to shake him, softly, he stopped suddenly, confused, and turned—_

James turned over on his bed abruptly, still in the throes of his nightmare, disoriented and still intent on finding the owner of the hand. He blinked blurry eyes, trying to make out the identity of the figure leaning over him and rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder. A pair of soft, blue-gray eyes came into view and he pushed himself on his elbows, recognizing the soft golden curls and pale skin immediately.

"Mum?" he asked groggily, hearing relief in his voice. He was suddenly so completely glad to see her that he didn't even wonder why she was here; James rubbed his eyes, brushed his floppy hair out of them and threw his arms around her in a hug, breathing in deeply the sweet scent of her rosewater perfume. She drew a circle on his shoulder with a manicured nail and touched his hair calmly, not saying a word. James, quite like his father, was not prone to emotional outpouring.

James pulled back after a few seconds and ran his hand through his hair again, throwing off completely the hold of sleep and the residue of the haunting nightmare. He pulled his hand down over his mouth and brushed off his wrinkled shirt.

"What're you doing here?" he asked his mother, for want of something to say. He knew perfectly well why she was here. His head throbbed angrily at him for remembering.

"Magical Law is here, darling," she replied in her easy quiet voice. James made a face, and she smiled at him, getting up from her position on the bed gracefully and touching his shoulder with a soft hand. "Come," she beckoned, in the voice he always listened to.

James got up and adjusted his robes, slipping his hands in his pockets and walking towards the door; she let him walk in front of her, and when he opened the door was standing with her hand on his shoulder again, her head reaching just about his neck. James blinked at the brighter light that was in the common room and hesitated, letting his eyes sweep over the occupants of the room.

His father stood off to the side, speaking in low conversation with Edward Evans, his height equal to the muggle man's. As always, James's father's hair was cut and combed as immaculately as he was dressed. James could tell by his rigid stance that he was containing his anger, and was glad that wrath wasn't directed towards him for once. Two austere ministry workers stood by the fire; one, a woman, running over a purple report in her slim hands and the other, a shorter man, keeping his eye steadily on the Evanses. James's eyes finally rested on Lily; she sat next to her mother on the sofa, her head down and leaned against Lisabeth's shoulders. Lisabeth's arm was around her daughter protectively, and she stared straight ahead as she ran her fingers up and down Lily's arm. The witch looked up from her report.

"Evening, Mr. Potter. Have a seat." She instructed, gesturing her hand at the sofa. James was inexplicably embarrassed at having been called 'Mr. Potter' with his father in the room, but he just swallowed hard and sat down on the couch, leaning his elbow on the rest and looking sneakily at Lily. His mother walked across the room to her husband and put her hand on his shoulder; he heard her bell-like voice across the room;

"Mr. Evans? I'm James's mother, Rosalie Potter…"

Lily's father nodded and clasped Rosalie's hand in his, his lips moving quickly as he whispered something to her. Lisabeth turned her head to the group of three, no doubt curious as to what they were saying. The ministry witch cleared her throat, and Edward Evans afforded Rosalie and James's father a nod before going to stand behind his wife and daughter on the other side of the couch. Rosalie stayed standing across the room and transferred her grey eyes to Lisabeth Evans, the sparkling orbs full of sympathy and regret. The ministry witch took out a sneakoscope and set it on the mantle over the fireplace, making sure they all saw it.

"James Potter," began the ministry witch in an authoritative voice, her eyes on him. "We have been given permission to question you as an adult by your father, Nicholas Potter, and as such you must take oath to the following: You will tell the complete truth, exaggerating and omitting nothing; you are aware that there is a spell on this oath and a sneakoscope in the room, and you are aware of the right of the ministry to employ the use of veritaserum should you fail to comply; furthermore you are expected to keep in confidence all subjects discussed within the confines of this room. Do you take oath?"

"I do so take oath," James answered quietly, nodding and letting his risen hand fall to the armrest again.

"My name is Meredytha Volquist and my associate is Garret Bolworth. I presume you are aware of what you are being questioned on?" Volquist asked. James found a softness around her eyes that was reassuring; he was somewhat comforted that the ministry had seen fit to send a woman as well as a man to handle this. He nodded affirmatively to her question. Madame Volquist picked up a sharpened quill and an official notebook and scribbled something at the top.

"We'll begin then, Mr. Potter." She said, looking up after a moment. Her eyes flicked quickly to Lily and back before she cleared her throat and began. "How long have you known Lily Evans?"

"Seven years." James answered dully, wondering vaguely why she asked him this.

"Would you say you knew her manner of acting, after knowing her these years?"

"She…you mean her personality? Yeah, I…" James trailed off after a minute and contemplated throwing something.

"Yes; her normal behavior," Madame Volquist prompted, her quill on the paper alertly.

"She smiled a lot. Well, when I wasn't around being a—um, bugging her. And she's always really good in class. Smart." James answered uncertainly. He felt uncomfortably hot in his robes, with all these people looking at him and hanging off his words. He was afraid he would mess up, flub words, forget something and damage Lily's chances at justice. Madame Volquist nodded and scribbled down his answer with her tongue between her lips.

"Would you say she had changed this school year, upon her return?"

"Not really. I mean, not at first. But then she skipped a few classes, and for Lily that's like…the apocalypse or something…and she wouldn't talk to anyone and she was mean to her friend…Susannah? You should ask her, she was always telling Sirius—he can tell you—"

James could feel himself getting defensive and he shut his mouth, swallowing. He thought he saw Lily shift her head but he didn't move his. He looked down and plucked at the fabric of the couch moodily. Instead of Madame Volquist, Master Bolworth spoke.

"We're interested in your point of view, James. You do think Miss Evans displayed a change in personality?"

"Yes," James answered, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice. His teeth were clenched tightly.

"James, were you aware that Miss Evans was allegedly raped multiple times previous to last night's attack?"

James's heart slammed against his ribcage and he bit down hard on his tongue, tasting coppery blood in his mouth. It was like he knew that, in the back of his mind, he knew that this had been going on, that this had been the cause of her deterioration all year, but hearing it out loud winded him and drew the colour out of his face until he was white as a ghost. Slowly, he shook his head.

"No," he said in a restrained voice, "but I believe it."

Both inspectors looked at each other and Madame Volquist made quick notes in her notebook and James dropped his forehead into his palm, clenching his teeth together tighter.

"James," Volquist said, taking over again, putting the tip of her quill up to her chin, concentrated. "What can you tell us about Mulciber?"

James lifted his head, his eyes dark. He unclenched his teeth and took a deep breath through his lips, calming his voice.

"He's just like all the rest of the Slytherins. He causes trouble, and he talks like he's one of the…the uh, death eaters. He's…bad." James answered.

"Did he ever publicly threaten Lily Evans?"

"_Yes_," James answered stressfully, remembering clearly both the fight with Ricky and the day outside the Arithmancy classroom. "He called her derogatory names and made sexual comments and...he looked at her like she was an animal."

"What did he call her?

"I am _not_ saying that in front of her." James growled, narrowing his eyes at both inspectors.

"James," his mother called softly.

"I don't think the exact nature of the terms needs to be known," Nicholas said gently, his eyes harsh. He felt the same way as James did about this vulgar expose, no doubt. Madame Volquist cleared her throat and nodded, remembering Nicholas's rank at the ministry.

"All right, Mr. Potter," Volquist cleared her throat yet again and stuck her quill in the spiral of her notebook and closed it, turning her full attention to James. "I need you to cooperate on one more thing. Relate to us exactly what happened after you entered the head's dorm."

James stared at her disbelievingly. His heart pounded in his chest and his head gave a massive throb. He couldn't do it. He could not actually repeat the sordid details of what he'd seen Mulciber do, or what he'd seen of Lily afterwards. Not in front of her, her parents, these utter strangers. He didn't want to think about it _himself_. Volquist looked at him patiently, waiting, and he sat up straight, his neck itching from the sweat under his robe's collar.

"I can't…not with her…I can't tell you." He stammered. He let his eyes slide over to Lily. Lisabeth's soft green eyes met his, her mouth turned down at the corners. She looked steely and a little sad. Lily raised her hand to her hair and pushed it off her pale face. There were no tears on her face, but she looked weak.

"Miss Evans has already related the events to us, James," Volquist said gently, softening her eyes again, attempting comfort. "Just tell us like you were writing it down."

James swallowed hard, the taste in his mouth sour and dry.

"We—Sirius and me…and Susanna, we came in and we heard a scream—Sirius thought it was a spider, and he ran up there," James stopped briefly and bit down on his lip, not caring if they saw the blood there. "He—Mulciber was in there…and she was…he had her up against the wall, and he was, laughing or—or…she screamed, and he turned around and—"

James stopped suddenly. He looked over at Lily again and found her still looking at him, tears slipping out of her green eyes and down her cheeks, like sorrowful diamonds in the light. He saw Edward's arm tight against his side, imagined it balled in a fist there. Lisabeth looked to be holding back her own tears. James stood up, his fists clenched.

"This is cruel," he snapped, glaring across the room at him. 'How can you make her listen to this? Relive it? I'm not talking anymore unless she leaves!" he said, ignoring the warning shake of his mother's head.

"Now, James, I understand—"

"No, you _don't_. Look at her," he pointed at Lily; Volquist swallowed, and Bolworth looked. "Why does she have to hear it _again_?" he demanded.

Volquist looked at Bolworth and said something so quietly it sounded like a hiss. Bolworth replied likewise.

"She is here to acknowledge your testimony—"

"So you don't believe her? Why don't you believe her, he already…I mean, Mary McDonald, and she…why does she have to—"

"James, that's enough." Nicholas interrupted he stepped forward; Rosalie's arm fell from his shoulder. "Do not use that tone with your elders." Nicholas turned to the inspectors, his eyes hardening.

"My son has expressed discomfort with repeating this, and I myself frankly disapprove of your method of questioning; you should not make this victimized girl sit through another account of her attack. Surely you can see she is upset."

Nicholas's voice was cold and authoritative as he gestured at Lily over his shoulder. James turned around and looked at Lily, wanting to simply make her _forget_. Lisabeth had turned towards her and was stroking her hair, but Lily was holding her at arm's length, further away. She said something in a hushed voice, which was unheard under the loud-but-quiet argument of Nicholas and the inspectors. Finally, Volquist cleared her throat.

"Come with me." She said sternly, beckoning to James. She took into his bedroom and shut the door, pulling out a small black instrument when they were alone. "Start from the beginning." She ordered; there was a no-nonsense tone in her voice now. James took a deep breath and told her the whole story, every detail down the last point, still not comfortable even thinking the words, afraid Lily could hear him speaking of her this way, and still seeing her face in his mind.

* * *

Susanna looked around the Gryffindor common room tiredly, her eyes heavy and red, hugging herself even though it was toasty warm. She stood in the silence of the empty common room, hearing the day loudly in her ears, thanking what god was listening that it was dinner and she could come back to peace. She'd just come back from questioning, from a grueling session of interrogation, determined to validate Lily's story. She was drained and upset; everything was a mess. Everything she had known and believed in had seemed to shift and change in the past twenty-four hours. She almost felt like the good in the world had been sucked out. She berated herself for not being more persistent, for not noticing Lily more than she had, too wrapped up in her own drama with Sirius to keep an eye constantly on her best friend. A sharp pang flew against Susanna's heart; tears welled in her eyes again.

She knew where to find him; she hadn't seen him since he'd left the head's common. She took the stairs to the boy's dormitory with light feet, opening the door without a sound and shutting it likewise. The room was dark except for the glowing light of a full moon showing through the window and a light in one of the far corners. Sirius sat on the last bed at the end, the curtains pulled back to reveal him leaning against the headboard with his legs stretched out along the bed, twirling his wand between his fingers.

"Sirius," she breathed gently, unsure of his mood and weary. He looked up at the sound of her lethargic voice and sat up straighter, tossing his wand onto the table beside the bed. Susanna leaned against the bedpost, wrapping her hands around it and pressing her cheek against the cool wood. She closed her eyes, taking a moment to pull composure together. When she opened them, he was closer, his eyes still with that dull but hardened look in them.

"You didn't eat." He said quietly.

"Neither did you." She answered just as calmly, both stating an obvious fact and neither blaming the other for skipping the whispering crowds of the Great Hall. It was common knowledge now that Mulciber and Avery had disappeared. "Did they…have you been questioned?" she asked hesitantly, eyes wide and searching. Sirius nodded slowly and leaned back on his heels. He looked cynical.

"All the gory details," he said, in a hushed voice, angry. "Like they needed every sick detail to convict him, Susanna, it was twisted."

"Me too." She said softly, her eyes stinging. He looked up at her in the dark, his lank hair falling into his eyes.

"You okay, Suze?" he asked gently, warming his voice a little. Susanna nodded, not trusting her voice.

"No," he answered, ignoring her nod, "you're not."

"I ran into Sasha, in the hall. She was sobbing…they had already talked to her, and I hadn't prepared her…but I _couldn't_, I couldn't tell her, Sirius, I just _couldn't_! _They_ told her and she was in shock and _scared_ and she wanted to see Lily and…I don't even know where she went and I haven't seen Andromeda and I _want_ to see Lily, or hear from James…I am a _complete_ mess and I _hate_ it." She said, the venomous nature of the last part surprising her.

She hated this feeling of lost control, but she didn't know what else to feel. She was scared to the core somehow, that her friend had been attacked and carried so vile a secret under her nose, in a school where there had never been any question as to the safety of any student. There was now no place to escape in a place that had once been the ultimate escape.

"Susie," Sirius said softly, scooting towards her on his knees. He put his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her, taller than her as he knelt on the bed. He touched her cheek gently and Susanna closed her eyes.

"How? How did she _take_ it how did she hide it? She was literally falling apart and I couldn't _see_…" she whispered, shaking her head. She turned her eyes back up to his; they were coated in a sheen of watery sadness. "Why _Lily_? She's so…she's so good, why _her_? She never deserved this and now she'll never be the _same_—" Susanna broke off with a choke and started to cry, her shoulders shaking.

Sirius leaned his forehead down against hers, his lips moving soothingly, inaudibly. He felt hollow, shocked but at the same time unsurprised, already having been acquainted with the real world around them. He touched Susanna's strawberry hair gently, tangling his hand in the silken strands, closing his eyes. As hardened as he was, as much as he knew the unfairness and cruelty of the world, it wasn't a disillusionment he would wish on anyone, and he more than anything hadn't wanted to watch it destroy James.

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**Note: **Why does it seem that I have to threaten to get reviews? I don't think it's too much too ask for; it really does boost my propensity to update faster the more I know the people actually want more. Last chapter I only got about five, and I KNOW you can do better. So, please do press that little purple button, if you'll be so obliged. I quite appreciate it.


	10. Death of Cinderella

**A/N: **I'm sorry, I know I usually try to get a chapter up every weekend but the past week was one of the most hectic of the year, so I took a break over the one weekend day I had off. I myself, must say, I really like this chapter, it kind of sets the stage for a lot of stuff that I want to get going. This chapter and the last were the hardest because they're kind of the connectors, that will help put together the story further. Please do enjoy!

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**Chapter Ten: Death of Cinderella**

She was overwhelmed, completely drained and utterly exposed to everyone. She was numb.

Lily stared dully across the room at the door James had disappeared through, not even sure how she should react or feel anymore. He was gone, but she could hear his voice, knew what he was saying—it would be the same thing as everyone else, as Susanna and Sirius. She was _used_ to hearing it, adjusted to listening to them repeat the story; Susanna in an almost unintelligible whisper, Sirius in a tight, controlled monotone. The sound of it was a pendulum, a blunt throbbing in her ears, an occasional sharp cut to the psyche, but she could cope. Hearing it was nothing, _nothing_ to experiencing it. All the same, when she'd watched James fight with the representatives from magical law—and win—she shivered, breathed an inward sigh of relief, because at least this way…her _parents_ didn't have to hear it all again.

The silence was almost unbearable; she wanted to scream. No one was speaking. Lily felt her mother's arm heavily around her shoulders; Lisabeth trying to pull her back between her and Edward. Lily perched on the edge of the couch, her eyes tracing every curve and line of James's door, silently pleading for someone to say something or for them to just let her _go_.

Master Bolworth cleared his throat.

"Mr. Potter's written account will be reviewed and compared with the two other witnesses and yours, Miss Evans, as soon as he is finished. It might be best if you look over it yourself—"

"You are not required to do so." Nicholas Potter interrupted calmly, his authority clear. He stepped away from his wife now, his deep brown eyes connected with Master Bolworth's. Lily noticed James's mother close her eyes briefly behind him. "Garret, in review of this procedure, I'm afraid I must question your methods. Allow me to ask, were the other two students involved interrogated in front of Miss Evans? Sirius Black and Miss…Farris?"

Master Bolworth looked rather like he'd swallowed something nasty. His eyes flickered to Lily's father and herself, and he straightened his shoulders a little, trying to match Nicholas's height.

"Of course they were, Potter, as according to magical law part—"

"I seem to remember it being previously customary to question only _one_ witness in the presence of the victim."

"In the case of _adults_," Bolworth's resolve had faltered a little. Lily, not knowing exactly Nicholas's rank and circumstance in Bolworth's department, guessed it was quite higher than the inspector's. "But as we are dealing with students, it is imperative we make no mistake in getting an account, even the slightest difference could damage proceedings."

"My son is seventeen years of age, the last time I checked, and Sirius Black, I believe, celebrated his seventeenth at our summer villa, did he not, Rose?" Nicholas wasn't really asking for his wife's confirmation. "In fact, the only student's age I _cannot_ account for is Susanna Farris's—how old is your friend, Miss Evans?"

Lily, surprised at having been spoken too, jumped almost unnoticeably, and turned her head away from the mesmerizing door towards them, slanting her eyes away from the inspector and towards James's father.

"Seventeen," she answered quietly.

"I see," Lily looked up suddenly at the tone in his voice. He no longer sounded boredly patronizing; Nicholas Potter was serious about something. He had stepped closer to Bolworth, who immediately stepped back, trying to keep Nicholas in his sights better. "Master Bolworth," he resorted to the inspector's formal title, "who sent you?" he asked.

Master Bolworth swallowed and straightened his shoulders.

"The school board contacted the ministry; I was sent by the minister's assistant, who spoke to school officials and—"

"I'm fully aware of assignment policy. I mean to say, which board member sent the owl?"

There was something in the way Nicholas looked at Bolworth that caught Lily's attention, like he could read the depths of the other man's soul. Bolworth didn't look away; he swallowed, and answered quietly, in a tone that suggested lying had been thrown out the window.

"Cassius Carrow."

Lily's eyes widened and her mother leaned forward at her sharp intake of breath, curling her arm around her daughter and giving her a concerned look. Nicholas stepped back, looking grimly triumphant, and his eyes flickered to Lily, as if wondering if she caught the implication. Lily's mother was looking at her questioningly; her father was watching Nicholas intently. Nicholas seemed to suddenly tower over Bolworth.

"Garret Bolworth," he began in a cool, clear voice," you are dropped from assignment in the case of Lily Evans's rape on counts of partiality to a party under suspicion and inappropriate and misleading practice of magical law. You will remove yourself from the Hogwarts premises immediately and cede all of the information in your possession to me."

Lily swallowed hard, impressed by Nicholas's forcefulness. Bolworth shrank back, his look sour, and touched his coat nervously, making another attempt to defend himself.

"Now look here, Potter, you've no right—I've been assigned by the board, and they deal with all school business, you've no jurisdiction—"

"I deal with those under the employment of my department." Nicholas responded with finality.

Bolworth faltered, and looked to be gritting his teeth together. He glanced over his shoulder and reached angrily to the leather bag slung over his shoulder. He unbuckled the claps and pulled out a crisp purple folder with gold writing on the tabs. Reluctantly, he placed the folder in Nicholas's hands.

"You can tell your supervisor I've taken a special interest in this case, and that it is now the property of the ministry instead of the board, as it has become the second offense of a graduating minor."

Bolworth looked flustered, and moved his mouth furiously, straightening his collar and raising his hand as if to speak.

"You are dismissed."

As the embarrassed inspector left, his head down, muttering to himself, Nicholas flipped open the file and perused it stonily with quick-moving eyes. He nodded once and closed it, sliding it into his robes and turning to the observing occupants of the room.

"Rosalie," he said quietly, turning to his wife. She was already across the room, her hand against the door of James's room. Nicholas's call stopped her, and she turned her head over so slightly, her lips set in a tight line. "Wait." He said simply.

Edward Evans stood up, his height equally matching Nicholas's. Lily turned to her mother, looking over Lisabeth's shoulder to where Rosalie Potter stood with her tiny palm pressed against the wood of James's door, her cool grey eyes liquid and alert.

"What's just happened?" Lily heard her father ask, his ever-warm voice concerned and clearly uncomfortable with not knowing the ways of this world. Nicholas cleared his throat, and tapped the folder within his robes.

"I do not believe the representatives picked by the school board to investigate had your daughter's best interests at heart." Nicholas answered grimly. "I'm not sure how well-acquainted you are with our world, but there are certain families who possess power and fortune; Mr. Mulciber belongs to one of these families. They tend to protect their own, and Cassius Carrow is an old friend of the Mulcibers—his twins run around with the Mulciber boy here, I believe. Carrow is currently under investigation for a similar case he may have swept under the rug, and it's my guess that he's attempted to clear Mulciber's name once again. No doubt he wasn't informed of James's involvement or he wouldn't have dared."

Lily leaned back against the couch, her eyes intent on James's father and her own, her arm crossed over her chest to hold her mother's hand on her shoulder. She closed her eyes briefly and suppressed the sudden urge to scream, terrifying thoughts of how this could have turned out if Nicholas Potter wasn't an important person in magical law rushing through her mind. She began to see how, even with Dumbledore's support, Mary's case had slipped into oblivion and been called nothing but a tall tale.

She watched her father closely, knowing he was mulling over Nicholas's words. He spoke calmly, as always, his dark brow furrowed together.

"You mean to say that man was trying to botch the investigation? Somehow get the criminal off the hook?" Edward asked tightly. Nicholas nodded. "And am I right to understand that this has happened…_before_?"

Nicholas Potter sighed, looking suddenly tired and mournful. He hesitated, touching his chin for a moment as if thinking, before answering, looking only at Edward.

"Allegedly, one Mary McDonald was attacked in the same way by Mulciber, with no witnesses. The girl was fanciful, a liar and often troublemaker; not many were inclined to believe her. Headmaster Dumbledore pushed for an investigation, which was granted easily, but the whole thing was closed quickly, and not another word was said. When Albus notified me earlier this morning, I pulled some files and had them reviewed by Carrow's superior, who'd never signed off on the forms. Needless to say, I had my suspicions on what happened."

Edward sighed and put his forehead against his palm, rubbing his forehead together, the skin wrinkling in the middle. He looked back up, and his eyes were heavy.

"This could have been prevented," he muttered softly, an eyebrow raised in question. Nicholas's jaw seemed to tighten; he looked over Edward's shoulder at Lisabeth, who was listening intently with a hurt look on her soft features. Lily squeezed her mother's hand, still suppressing the screaming. She couldn't stand being here as her parents were told every sordid detail, and then subsequently informed of how exactly it could have been prevented. Moreover, it brought her to the brink of explaining the current schism in her world that she'd always kept quiet about for fear of their refusal to let her return.

"Mr. Evans-"

"Edward."

"Edward. There is nothing I wouldn't do to change every _bit_ of this, or to fix the discrepancies in my department that have since caused severe repercussions. Unfortunately, even magic can't solve all of our problems." Nicholas stopped and rested his hand on Edward's shoulder, his head turning slightly to recapture sight of his wife. "I can only apologize for allowing that man to force your daughter to relive what she did." His voice was softer now, as if he were trying to hide it from the women in the room. "I regret that."

Edward nodded, swallowing. He pushed a hand through his hair and turned to the side, facing half towards Lily and Lisabeth, the few lines on his face etched deeply, his mouth turned down at the corners in melancholy.

"You did what you had to ensure Lily was treated fairly; you don't have to apologize for that."

Lisabeth spoke up, her quivery voice surprisingly Lily. She jumped and Lisabeth's hand tightened soothingly on her shoulder.

"She's right," Edward agreed, turning back to Nicholas, "We can't thank you enough."

Nicholas nodded, his jaw relaxed ever so little. He held out his hand and Edward took it firmly, clasping it between his hands in a gesture of thanks and friendship. It struck Lily suddenly as incredibly ironic that she had so immediately been at odds with James where their fathers were instant comrades.

"If you'll excuse me, there's one more unwanted person I've got to, ah, _remove_." A quick nod over his shoulder to his wife, and Rosalie opened the door to James's room, cracking it behind her. Lily heard a raised voice and a calm but sharp reprimand. Nicholas released Edward's hand and stepped away, turning slightly back to Lily's parents as he left to dismiss Volquist.

"I'll clearly outline everything you need to know in order to proceed as soon as I'm finished here." he said, with a nod to Lisabeth. He disappeared after his wife, not even bothering to shut the door, and Lily was left alone—though not truly alone—with her parents.

She immediately wanted to leave. She didn't know what to say and she couldn't even begin to anticipate what they would say; whatever it was she didn't want to hear it. She suddenly wished again that no one knew, that she could still _pretend_ it never happened. This wasn't what she wanted anymore. Or was it? Absently, she wondered where Susanna had gone, and whether Sasha knew or if the entire school was buzzing. What had happened to Mulciber, Avery? She tried to keep her mind occupied because, in the past few hours, the empty nothingness that had seemed to be in her was killing her.

"Lily," her father said quietly, squatting down in front of her. His sandy brown eyes met hers gently; he placed his strong hand on her knee calmingly. Lily sat up, her hands clasped in her lap, still feeling inexplicable tense. For some reason, she attempted to smile, and tears sprung to her eyes. She pressed her lips together and flicked her eyes to the ceiling and back.

"Lily." Edward repeated, pressing the back of his hand against her cheek. Lisabeth took a strand of Lily's thick hair and tucked it behind her ear, mascara slightly smudged under Lisabeth's almond-shaped eyes. "You're going to be all right, honey, you understand?" he said softly.

Lily swallowed, her lips trembling when she parted them to respond. She had no words. She blinked back the tears and showed him a lake waiting to flood in her bottle green eyes. Edward pulled her head forward and kissed the crown of her hair lovingly, resting his own forehead there. When he pulled back, Lily saw his hand flash to his cheek before resting back on the couch beside her. She didn't say a word, took note of his grip on her mother's hand.

"I want you to get some rest, Lily. Get out of this atmosphere, while your mother and I talk with Nicholas. At least find some breathing space. Are you okay alone?" he asked, his eye contact giving her strength. Lily moved her shoulders, trying to loosen the muscles there, as she shifted, preparing to get up, when her mother put a hand on her leg to stop her.

"I can stay with you, Lily—Edward, do you think she really needs to be alone?"

"Mum," Lily interrupted, placating, very quietly. Lisabeth followed her with her eyes as Lily stood, wrapping her arms around herself. "I want to be alone."

Lisabeth nodded, running her thumb over Edward's knuckles in her lap.

"We love you, Lily." Lisabeth said quietly, her eyes firm and reassuring. Lily nodded, her breathing shaky. She was startled as she started to respond by the opening of James's door; Volquist left the room without a glance at any of them, looking harassed.

"Love you, too." Lily answered quietly, backing up towards the stairs. She turned and gripped the banister tightly, until her fingers turned white and all the blood was pushed and pressured into one point. She caught a glimpse of James jerking his arm out of Rosalie's grasp before she lost sight of the living room, and heard the woman hiss his name sharply in return before she shut her door behind her and clicked the lock without realizing she'd done it.

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James jerked his arm out of his mothers grip and turned away from her, heading for the door. She called his name sharply after him, and for the first time in his life he ignored her, ignored the very tone that had stopped him shaking in his sneakers when he was a kid. He relished the sound of the stone gargoyle grinding shut behind him, and reveled in the literal stone silence of the hall outside his dorm.

James shoved his hands into his pockets and made his way towards the fastest way to the first floor, characteristically managing to find the short route easily without thinking about it. He didn't think, didn't consider running into anyone, he walked quickly, like something was chasing him, without looking back. Once, he thought he heard someone shout after him, of heard whispers of footsteps, but he was too wrapped up, too locked to notice any of it. HE snapped back into the world when the heavy castle doors slammed behind him, shutting the school inside and closing him out on the fresh, well-kept Hogwarts grounds.

He stood for a moment, right outside the heavy doors, blinking up into the sky. Even in the dusky light of near-evening, the outdoors was so much brighter than the dark and somber rooms upstairs. The sun was just drifting down over the lake, casting an orange-y pink glow that was too pretty for the world it lit up. James shoved his hand through his knotted hair and turned his back to the aesthetic sight, walking almost soldier-like to the broom sheds. He unlocked the door with a harshly muttered spell, sans wand, and lifted his broom off one of the shelves, clenching his fist around the sanded mahogany tightly, closing his eyes.

He mounted the broom and let the slightest, natural flex of his leg muscles guide the broom to its familiar, favorite eagle-eye spot above the quidditch pitch—the place he most often perched to watch for the flickering of the golden snitch. He opened his eyes and tilted his head back, keeping them wide open until they watered and stung; he blinked and straightened his head, looking over the smooth pitch below and the lonely, empty stadium seats. _Empty_.

James was tired. He was sick of the questioning, of thinking about it, of seeing it, hearing it, reliving it, and knowing about it. He wanted to throw things around, break things, crush them, until something resembled how he felt. Anger and hatred coursed through his veins, washing away the disgust. He couldn't push the livid feeling he'd been swamped with when his father had dismissed Volquist, and explained about Carrow.

To think how narrow they had cut it, how close it had come to Mulciber getting away with it again without anyone knowing what had happened. Lily left without closure and justice. And his mother, telling him to be _calm _and stay in the _room _while they _talked_. At that point, he suddenly took advantage of his adulthood and ignored her wishes, stormed out, fled to the one place where his head was his own and he was the unchallenged master, where he exercised skill and control.

There was no longer any place else where he was invincible but here.

James rocketed forward on the broom, letting the wind in his face burn his eyes dry, and dropped low; he let the broom spiral out of control to the ground and then jerked back up at the last minute. The rush it gave him stole his breath and as he floated back up slowly, he could sort out his thoughts; his head was in better condition to process and deal. Why almost impaling himself in the quidditch pitch calmed him, he didn't know. He probably needed loads of therapy.

This was peace. Being up here in the biting air. _Almost_ peace. It was the closes to peace he could get, if he ever had it again. James licked his lips and stared into the Gryffindor scoreboard, remembering the score the night of Mulciber's attack on Lily. Details were so sharp, so clear, and he seemed too often run over everything in his head, even reaching so far back, trying to see if he could have picked out signs, pushed harder, somehow _stopped_ everything. But that was just it, wasn't it? He was part of the wizarding world, he possessed magic, and it was all the same as everyone else. Wasn't that what they always told you? That their world was separated from the muggles because the muggles thought they could fix everything, when in reality they were just as helpless to stop death, to change the past, as any mortal? James dug his nail into the wood of the broom, carving out a dip.

He remembered a muggle fairy tale he'd read once, maybe in a novelty book someone had given his sister once. The whole thing was glitter and happy endings—unlike the moral fairy tales of the wizarding world that told of life's trials and lessons. The muggle ones were how life was _supposed_ to be. Supposed being the key word. This, this feeling of shock to the world, was kind of like having someone jerk that fairytale book out of his hands as a small child and burn it before his eyes.

James sighed, and licked his lips again, pressing them together, the cool wind chapping them as it dried the saliva. He turned the broom around slowly, the fire gone out of him, unsure of what to do. As he surveyed the empty stands, heavy eyes gliding over vacant seat after vacant seat, his vision was arrested by a lone figure lounged back in the teacher's booth, feet propped up on one of the chairs. He didn't even have to wonder who it was; James moved the broom in that direction.

He touched down easily, dropping the brook on the ground and throwing himself down in the seat next to Sirius. He didn't say a word, and neither did his friend. Both boys sat in silence, staring unendingly into the distance.

"'Course you knew I'd come here." James muttered.

"Where else?" Sirius responded, a swift shrug of his shoulders.

"How's Susanna?" James asked. Small talk wasn't exactly his forte. He heart Sirius shift in his seat, the armrest creaking.

"She went to find Webber. I've never seen Farris upset before—well, eh—and the girl hasn't stopped crying since last night."

"Should she have?" James asked tensely. Sirius was quiet for a second, as if he was letting James's defensive tone slide. James let his breath out, shaking the animosity away.

"She's been through a lot, too." Sirius said simply. James nodded, touching his fingers to his forehead. He shifted in his seat, leaned against the arm rest so he could face his best friend. Sirius stared straight ahead, his silky head falling into his dark eyes. His shoulders were slumped; his chin leaned on his wrist. James folded his arm across his chest.

"This is it, isn't it?" James asked seriously, in a collected voice. His entire being was calm suddenly; feelings that let all the rage and uncontrollable, immature emotions flow away and make room for the realization that accepting was the first step to walking forward. "We can never go back."

Sirius nodded, lifting his chin off his palm. He thrust his head back against the back of the seat and clenched his fists; James watched his knuckles turn white. James turned back to staring across the horizon.

"Dad used to tell me I needed to get serious. Get a wakeup call." James drew blood from his lip, digging his teeth into it. "So it fucking blares in my ears," he managed to keep his voice steady; he just wanted to get the last of it out. "And I want to go back to sleep."

There was a moment of the most brittle silence, of stillness so quiet it was almost unearthly, and Sirius leaned forward in his chair, all of his black hair tumbling forward.

"I'm tired of being awake, Prongs." Sirius said in a muffled voice. James guessed his hand was over his mouth.

"It was better here. It was _different_. You don't get what Hogwarts is for me. Well, you do. But you don't know like I do. And what happens when no one can look at the world as a cup half-full anymore? When people like Susie and Lily don't even believe in happiness?"

James swallowed; the taste in his mouth was sour. He couldn't stand to hear Sirius speak like this, in this low and depressed tone.

"You can't go back to sleep." He said hoarsely, his voice dipping at the end, almost completely steady. "I've _tried_."

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**Note: **'Cassius Carrow'-- We're readind "Julius Caesar" in English and I HATE Cassius, so there ya go.

**AHEM! REVIEW!** I'm short on time lately, and quite stressed, so pleas do reveiw and give me reason to WANT to devote time to updating ,becasue you know I need encouragement to do so! it's easy--just press the purple buttong. begs


	11. On My Own

**A/N: **I apologize for it being so long. I usually aim to update once a week, but sometimes school just gets so hectic. I hope I got back into my flow with this chapter, as the last two have been kind of bridge-like and short. I might be able to get another up by tuesday, as this is fall break for me. We'll see.

I also want to take a moment to give kudos to one of those reviewers who inspires and offers good constructive criticism as well as praise, and does it well. **Sophia** **Supernova**: Pointed out excellent points, and basically kicked my butt into gear and got me in teh mood to spend a while getting up a chapter, when I was just going to leave it until next weekend. By the way, you were also the 100th reviewer (:-D) So...any request?

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**Chapter Eleven: On My Own**

Lily pressed her hand against the clear glass of her small window, watching smudges steam up from the heat on her palm. It was gray outside, the darkness that prevails when it's not quite black yet but the sun has set all the same, and the stars are still hiding in the sky. The glass was cool against her warm skin, almost like snow.

She stood looking absently out the window, into the night, watching it get steadily darker with a concentration that was unnatural. She had come up to her room near fifteen minutes ago; she had remained alone and awake for the longest time since her discovery, and she hardly knew what to do. She didn't want to think; there was nothing to do. No schoolwork. No books. No people to take her mind off anything. The only people she would see were the ones who would sympathize…or not know what to do. It was scary, to feel this alone.

_How_ could she feel this alone, when everyone knew? It was almost worse than before. Before, it was she and she alone who had to suffer, to deal, and she could find respite and pull herself together enough to enjoy a day or two in-between with her friends without fear of them staring at her or wondering, or crying for her. Now, her parents had to suffer. Susanna and Sasha, Alice and Andromeda, James, Sirius. They all had to suffer and she had to be close to them and know they were thinking about her, not blaming her, nothing like that, but watching her and wondering, and worrying for her. It was akin to having a too-bright spotlight flashed on her permanently, so everyone in the world could see her clearly, evaluate, and scrutinize her.

She didn't feel better that they knew. She didn't feel relieved or safe, she only felt alone. She only wanted it to go away and everyone to forget. She could barely bring herself to be passionate that Mulciber would now be apprehended; had he not gotten away with it before? She could only be afraid of what would happen if Nicholas Potter hadn't pulled through, or somehow couldn't pull through. She desperately needed to trust him. But she couldn't. She couldn't hope for that vindication when there was no hope left to have. Not really.

She winced and bunched her fingers in a spider-like way on the window. It was too dark to see now, except for the smoky gray outline of clouds in the sky, lit up by twinkling stars. A velvet navy night to end a blood red day.

Lily turned away from the window and reached up to her hair, pulling it all over one shoulder and beginning to comb her fingers through it mechanically as she walked towards her bathroom. She flipped on the light and stepped in front of the mirror, letting her fingers slip out of the tangles and fall to the sink, gripping it lightly. She tiled her head so the hair fell to the side like a curtain; the light cast a shadow on it that made it look more coppery than russet-strawberry. Her hair looked like dried blood when it was wet and dark rubies when dry; which one of those was the metaphor? The evidence of re-opened wounds, or the semblance to a gem that was cold and unbroken, though maybe flawed on the inside?

Lily snorted at her reflection, scorning the ridiculous way her mind worked. There was nothing poetic about this. There was nothing poetic about anything, and there wouldn't be ever again. Lily pulled down the collar of the oxford she wore and exposed a bruise, purple and dark, spread over her collar bone. She pressed her fingers against it gently and flinched, at least a little relieved that she could still feel. She closed her eyes and spread her palm over her shoulder lightly, reminding herself what a soft touch was.

Lily jumped a little when she heard the click of her bedroom door outside; her nail scraped along the bruise and she sucked in her breath, cursing herself silently. She knew it was her mother, possibly her father. She straightened the collar of her oxford and waited.

"Lily?" she heard softly, tentatively. Her mother.

Lily swallowed shakily and left the bathroom, lightly ghosting her hand over the light switch as she left and feeling the tug of the wandless magic. Her mother was standing by her bed, looking at the open bathroom door, when Lily stepped out. Her door was open, and there was a quiet murmuring from down stairs; she could see her father's back in the stair well as he spoke to someone. Her mother looked relieved when she caught sight of Lily, and folded her arms across her chest. After a second or two, her father came in and shut the door behind him. The split silence that followed was _deafening_.

Edward put his hand up to his forehead and rubbed, frowning.

"Do you feel like talking, honey?" he asked, moving his hand down to his chin and looking up warily, the wrinkles at the corners of his temple and his sad eyes reminding her of a beaten dog.

"I'm okay." Lily answered, semi-truthfully. Lisabeth's eyes knitted together, but she didn't say anything; Lily sounded dull and quiet. She looked at her father questioningly, and he gave her a half-crooked smile, trying to comfort her.

"Come here," he said, holding his arm out. He put his arm around Lily's shoulders and pressed her against his side, his strong arms keeping her safe. Lisabeth sank down on the bed, tucking hair behind her ears and looking apprehensive and miserable. Lily couldn't help but feel anxiety build, wondering what they were going to say.

"Lily," Lisabeth started calmly, in a soft voice, "there are some things we need to discuss."

Lily didn't answer; she gave a small nod, that much having been obvious to her.

"Your father and I…we've discussed everything with Nicholas Potter—"

"Lisabeth," Edward interrupted. He turned Lily around to face him, evidently preferring to go over this himself. "Lily, Nicholas is going to make sure everything is executed smoothly. What he's told me, or how it seemed, was that as the young man who—" her father swallowed, his nose crinkling "—who is in custody is eligible for trial as an adult; on both this charge and a previous charge that was neglected. Nicholas was unable to tell us exactly what would happen…he mentioned something about prison? A place called Absakan?"

Lily pressed her lips together and nodded, recognizing Azkaban even if her father mispronounced it.

"You know that place, Lily?" Lisabeth asked from the bed. Lily looked at her mother and nodded quickly, swallowing the lump in her throat so she could speak.

"Azkaban. It's a wizard penitentiary. A…harsh one." She answered. Her mother looked satisfied, relieved. Edward squeezed her hand and nodded to himself.

"Nicholas said something about that place, and some other things. At the moment, the boy has been formally expelled from school, and his friend too, the one you mentioned…one is at home, and the other is in custody of the…ministry?"

Lily felt sorry for her parents, embroiled in all of this and at the same time having no idea what world they were in, or even sometimes what they were talking about. Lily shivered a little and Lisabeth cleared her throat and stood up.

"Just know he's not getting away with _anything_, sweetheart. You—"

"Edward, please," Lisabeth placated softly, shaking her brunette head. She put her arm around Lily now and stood opposite Edward, stroking Lily's cheek. Lily stood still and hardly moved, half closing her eyes and watching her father. Edward opened his mouth, hesitated, and closed it, his eyes flicking from Lily to his wife.

"There's…something else." He said hesitantly, tilting his head to the side a little. Lisabeth let go of Lily and stepped back, holding her out at arm's length. She gave Edward a quick look before she tucked her hair behind her ears again, her lips set, and her eyes determined. It was apparently her turn to speak now. Lily flexed her fingers at her sides.

"We're going to take you home, Lily." Lisabeth said quietly, her arms crossed across her chest and her back straight. Lily hardly reacted physically, except for the mild widening of her eyes. For some reason, she hadn't expected that. Hadn't seen it coming. And at the same time, when her mum said the words, it was obvious that that would be the solution. And it split her in two directions instantly.

Lily reached up with one arm and grabbed her other at the elbow, looking slowly from her mother to her father and back. She pursed her lips, unsure of what to say. After a moment, she blew air out threw her lips and turned towards the bed, sitting down gingerly. Before she really could come up with something to say, Lisabeth stepped closer and spoke again, soothingly, rephrasing herself.

"We _want_ to take you home. We feel like…like you need to be somewhere familiar right now. We just would feel more comfortable if we knew you were safe…Lily?" Lisabeth faltered at the last a bit, as if she wasn't sure how Lily was going to react.

Lily looked up at her mother for a moment, then over Lisabeth's shoulders to her father. He looked solemn and sad, but he was watching both of them warily, calculating.

"I don't know if I want to go home." Lily said quietly, her voice shaking ever so slightly. Lisabeth sighed and rubbed her arms.

"I think it would be better, Lily. You'll be at home, with us, and everything you've always known. Maybe there won't be so many reminders, maybe you can get through this easier if you're in a familiar place."

"Mum, Hogwarts _is_ familiar to me." Lily said without thinking, her voice still low. Lisabeth looked a little upset, and Lily bit her lip, wondering if her mother took that as Lily's declaration that she considered the school more her home than her parent's house. Lily sighed and wrapped her arms around herself, conflicted. She should have anticipated this, should have thought about it. And she didn't know why she wasn't jumping at the chance to get away from all this pain and misery…but she just could not imagine home being any better. She didn't know what she wanted; no option seemed to provide and escape. After a moment, she looked back at her mother, and spoke.

"Home for good?" she asked, a little anxiously, the thought just occurring to her. Edward made a movement with his hand behind Lisabeth but she didn't notice. Lily watched her father; her mother bit her lip and clasped her hands together.

"I," she started, "would prefer that you not come back to school. But your father…thinks that should be your choice. And I understand his point. You've put a lot of work into this world, and I don't want to take that away from you. But my eyes have been opened to the dangers of this world as well, and you'll have to forgive me if I'm leery of things I don't understand, Lily. I would never _cut_ _you_ _off_ from the life you have here." Lisabeth explained earnestly, keeping eye contact with her daughter as much as possible.

Lily stood up and leaned against her beside table, reaching out to touch a book that was lying open there, with a bookmark wedged in its spine. She swallowed, and licked her lips, quiet. She couldn't think of being home. She loved her parents with all her heart, and she was always excited to go home for holidays and see everyone. But this…this was seemed like a never-go-back either or choice. She ran her finger down one of the pages of the book, scanning random words. She took a deep breath and looked up.

"What are you going to tell people?" she asked hoarsely, not as prepared to speak as she had initially thought. She coughed to clear her throat, and clarified. "To justify me being home in the middle of the school year? That I got kicked out of that fancy boarding school you all bragged about? Aunt Meghan and Emmet are the only ones who really know where I am." She spoke of her favorite aunt and uncle, her mother's sister and brother-in-law whom Lisabeth had told right away when Lily got her letter. "But everyone else?"

Lisabeth turned to look at Edward over her shoulder, her lips drawn at the corner into a small frown. Edward shifted his weight, seeming to come out of his thoughts.

"Leave that to me, Lily. We'll make it look like you're on an honors schedule, limited classes, you know. You don't worry about that." He said, a little sternly. Lily cleared her throat and looked back down to the book.

"You always make me look perfect," she commented under her breath, not sure if her parents heard her or not. They were all silent for a few moments, before she reached for the cover of the book and shut it, pressing the bookmark between its pages. She picked it up and faced her parents.

"I'll come home," she agreed quietly, without much emotion. At least there, she wouldn't face the whole of Hogwarts. Perhaps she could even get out of here before she saw anyone. She hesitated a moment, her face softening when she saw Lisabeth's relieved, soft smile appear and her eyes light up. She pressed her lips together instead and looked at her father before she spoke again.

"I want to come back, though." She said softly, knowing it would be true. Edward nodded, reached forward and put his arm on Lisabeth's halted shoulder to stop her from saying something.

"I was thinking after Christmas," he said, his hand tightening soothingly on Lisabeth's shoulder.

Lily watched his fingers for a minute and counted the days, wondering how trapped or how happy she would be at home. Would she be happy anywhere, was the real question. Would she be happy again, even? She nodded in agreement.

"After Christmas." She repeated. Lisabeth closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips to her lips, before reaching forward and giving Lily a hug, her forehead touching Lily's. Lily looked at her father over her mother's shoulder and he gave her a wink. She smiled, smaller and less enthusiastic than she usually would.

"I've a few things to discuss with Nicholas and Rosalie, before we leave." Edward announced gruffly. Lisabeth and Lily separated, Lisabeth turning slightly to face her husband. She nodded and reached out to touch his arm, giving his wrist a squeeze. "Lissy, you'll speak with Headmaster Dumbledore?"

Lisabeth nodded, turning back to Lily and grasping her hands.

"Pack your things," she said gently, touching Lily's cheek, "and don't leave here. They said it wouldn't be a good idea." She warned sadly, before letting go of Lily's arms and turning for the door. She gave Edward a swift look, as if expecting him to go before her, but he didn't, and she headed out with light footsteps on the stairs.

"I think it's a good idea, Lily. Just until the hysteria dies down." He said comfortingly, giving her a meaningful look. Lily nodded in agreement.

"I know that." She said, attempting a smile. "Daddy?" she asked, just as he was turning to leave. He stopped with his hand wrapped around the door, looking at her quizzically.

"Does Petunia know?" she asked hesitantly, unsure of the answer _and_ even unsure of what she wanted it to be. Edward shook his head slowly.

"We thought…she's a little wrapped up in other things right now." He said, sounding almost mysterious. Lily nodded again, the only thing she seemed able to do. Edward smiled at her and let the door come almost to a close behind him, and left Lily standing where she had been.

She sighed, and took her bottom lip into her mouth, chewing on it, still holding the book in her hands. She looked at the frayed edges of the hardback and the splotched edges of the pages and wondered how many times she'd read it.

Lily threw the book on the bed; it landed lightly against the pillows. She walked over to the other side of the room and pulled her trunk out from against the wall, lifting it up on her bed and looking at the assortment of candy thrown on top of her winter clothing. She pulled a grey wool skirt and a dark red sweater out of the pile, set it aside for the muggle world, and then brushed all the candy to one side, scooped it up, and placed it in one of the pockets inside her trunk. Needlessly, she refolded the clothing in the trunk already, pressed it down neatly, and looked around the room for what to pack first. She began with her bookcase.

She only took a select few books. _Hogwarts, A History_, a few transfigurations books, one charms book, a few copies of wizard fiction just to amuse herself. She wanted to keep part of this place near her. The good part, at least. She repacked all of the books she'd brought from home, the ones that she'd read over and over, and tucked a dozen quills and sheets of parchment, and an inkpot in the pocket where the candy was hidden. On top of the books went her robes, skirts, and oxfords, all packed immaculately, so there would be room. In the bathroom, she changed into her muggle clothes and swept her hair up in a ponytail while she packed her toiletries in a drawstring bag, wedging it in the trunk with everything else. She left some things in their place, the books she didn't need to review, other wizarding trinkets that she just wanted to leave to make her come back. She was not going to throw away everything she'd built here.

She held the top of her trunk in her hands, looking over the contents before shutting it, before she remembered her schoolbag, and the potions book in it that fascinated her. She went to the corner by the desk and lifted her heavy bag onto the chair, shuffling through it. She took out a hidden stash of Drooble's that she'd forgotten about and kept it with her before she located her potions book. She pulled it out, scattering some loose papers with it. Rolling her eyes, suddenly frustrated with everything, she tossed the book on the bed where it hit the trunk with a very dull _thunk, _and reached down to get the parchments. She threw two graded assignments onto her desk and knitted her eye brows at the crumpled, dirty looking piece that she'd missed. When she picked it up, the flash of spidery handwriting made her heart halt.

_I have to talk to you. Astronomy Tower, 8 o'clock_

_Sev._

Lily gasped for breath, feeling like all of it had been knocked out of her. She stared at the smeared writing, the curly, scribbled letters, and remembered him sliding the parchment covertly into her hands after potions that day…_why had that slipped her mind?_

He hung out with Mulciber. He called her a Mudblood. He laughed with them and ate with them and pretended he was one of them; _did he do this?_ Lily's eyes pricked with tears, of anger and fear, and she read the note, over and over again, wanting to know. Had he done it on purpose? Had he lured her to the tower to help them, or had they simply taken advantage of his weakness and kept him away…or had he not known what they were really going to do? _She didn't know_. She almost didn't _want_ to know. He had been her friend, the person who she could share the secret of what she was with when she was little, and he had she changed, but she couldn't believe this of him…but she couldn't talk to him. She couldn't see him, _she was afraid of him_. She hadn't mentioned him to James or Sirius, her parents of the questioners. No one knew…no one but her knew of either the great betrayal or the ultimate weakness of Severus Snape that ruined Lily Evans.

The door opened with a creak and Lily gasped, crushing the parchment in her fist as a first reaction. She stared like a deer caught in the headlights at the door, and relaxed slightly when she saw it was James, standing uncertainly in the doorway.

"Sorry…It was open…did I freak you out?" he asked anxiously.

"No," Lily answered hoarsely. She cleared her throat and shook her head, trying to shake the spidery words out of her vision as well. "No, come in." she tried again, sounding slightly better. The paper crinkled in her fist as she squeezed and James looked there fleetingly, before he shut the door behind him. Lily mentally kicked herself and walked over to her trunk, the paper still clutched in her hand, and made a show of looking over the contents inside. She shut the trunk with a quiet click and leaned on it, looking down at the glossy wood before looking up at James.

"You're going home?" he asked, sounding a little dull.

"I…my parents." She stuttered, nodding. She felt exposed, naked, in front of him, like every secret she'd ever had was written all over her for him to see and read clearly. She wanted to pull a blanket tightly around herself and sit in a corner, her eyes closed, not letting him look at her ever again. "And the…gossip."

"My dad said your mum was taking you home." James said by way of response. He walked over to her chair and sat down; Lily was a little surprised at the way he so easily made himself comfortable, even when he looked completely uncomfortable. "Guess they're pretty upset." He mumbled.

"They're scared. They don't…understand anything here." Lily answered, surprised at the way she was able to talk calmly, and not sound either teary or completely devoid of human emotion.

James shrugged his shoulders and nodded, looking forlorn. He spun in the chair and kicked his toe against the leg of her desk.

Have you—have you seen Susanna?" Lily asked hesitantly. James stopped spinning and nodded.

"I was out on the pitch with Sirius…when we came back in she and Andromeda were looking for him; Andromeda was in hysterics, she wanted to—" James stopped suddenly, looking pale, and like he'd just killed something. Lily looked down, knowing exactly what was going through his mind. She swallowed hard and tried to stay composed.

"So, um. Sasha and Andromeda…they know I'm...okay?" she asked, replacing any other word with a benign one that hid her true question. James licked his lips, and didn't speak. He just nodded slowly in affirmation. "I won't see them. Before I go." Lily said quietly.

She didn't want to see anyone. To make it harder or to choke her with whatever they would feel towards her. She wanted distance and to be alone…but at the same time she never wanted to be alone again. She looked over her shoulder at the window, straightened up, and crossed her arms, stepping away from the bed to look at James.

"They'll understand. You know, that there'd be too many people." James said. He stood up and leaned against the desk, spinning the chair around in his hands and watching it blur. Lily reached up absently to touch her hair, uncomfortable, again feeling that creeping sensation that she was displayed to him, her memory flashed images of her in the state he'd found her in, ran phrases through her head and showed her his face. She gasped a little, her throat locking up, and he looked up, concerned.

"Lily…" he stared, taking a step or two towards her. She grasped her hair, and brought her other hand up and pressed it against her shoulder, crossing it over her chest. She moved her lips, trying to assure him she was okay, but no sound came out. She felt herself start to cry, not much, but the tears still fell. James gently put his hand on her arm and reached for her other, but she stopped him, shaking her head.

"Don't…don't touch em right now, okay? Just. I'm fine." She said awkwardly. He stepped back and his foot crunched on the carpet; Lily's heart slammed again. She had dropped the parchment.

He squatted down; taking the yellowed bit of paper between his fingers, and was starting to hand it to her when he suddenly jerked his arm back, his eyes flashing with recognition. He of all people would know Snape's handwriting anywhere, after the Slytherin boy had tried to forge a note to get James in trouble third year. James's eyes snapped over the words, and his eyebrows furrowed; he looked confused as he straightened up, still clutching her paper. Lily was looking at him, her eyes wide.

"What is this? This is from Snape." He said, sounding a little more forceful than he had a second ago. Lily didn't answer. She pulled her hands down and took the note, swallowing.

"He wanted me to meet him," she said before she realized it, before she could filter the words coming out of her mouth, "he gave it to me…in potions, and he wanted to talk. I went up…during patrol, to the tower. I went up there. To the tower." Now she didn't even know what she was saying. James was looking at her with bated breath, his eyes cold almost. "They were in the tower. Mul…ciber."

James snatched the parchment out of her hands and crushed it in his fist, his face turning livid.

"You didn't say _anything_ about Snape. Why didn't you—why didn't you _tell_?"

Lily gasped again and swallowed, blinking her stinging eyes rapidly. She shook her head, her hair catching in her wet lips. Eyes wide, she looked back at James.

"He didn't—he _couldn't_ have known. He wouldn't have…and I forgot, I was too…they were the ones who…I didn't remember him doing it, everything was such a nightmare…he didn't do it on purpose, he _didn't_—"

"How do you know?" James demanded angrily, shaking the note at her. "You always thought he was…_better_ than he is, but what if you're wrong? Do you really think he didn't know what they would do? After Mary? He was with them when Mary…"

"I don't know!" Lily sobbed, clasping her hands in front of her and pressing her teeth against her hand. James was shaking he was so angry. He thrust his hand into his pants pocket and left the note, bringing his hand out empty. Lily closed her eyes and shook her head again, why were these images flooding her mind? She saw Snape, she saw Mulciber, Avery, laughing, and James raising his wand in the doorway.

"Stop," she muttered to herself, reaching up and wiping her eyes violently. James was watching her. He relaxed a little and stepped toward her again, taking it in his hand where she had previously told him to let go.

"Calm down," he said, his voice suddenly softer, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to...yell." he apologized, his voice tighter at the end. Lily took a deep breath and kept her eyes closed, pressing the base of her palm beneath them. She stopped crying after a moment, and caught her breath to breathe normally.

"You should have said something," James said quietly, venomous. "If it wasn't for him you wouldn't even have gone _up_ there."

Lily swallowed repeatedly, a disgusting sour taste in her mouth. She bit her lip until it hurt, almost drawing blood, and opened her eyes; he was closer than she thought.

"He would have gotten me anyway." She said hoarsely, her eyes full to the breaking point. James flinched to hear it, and made an angry noise in the back of his throat.

"You don't know that," he said urgently.

"Yes," Lily replied, "I do. He didn't need Severus every other time."

James's hand tightened like a vice on her wrist, and she knew it was because she had just confirmed the rumors he'd heard from the questioners. That it had happened, repeatedly, more than once, and now she had to dread the way he was going to look at her and what he was going to say. He pulled her a little so she would turn and fully face him, and he looked at her for a moment; she could prevent her eyes from watering, tears spilling down her cheeks. He swallowed, his Adam's apple shaking slightly, and he loosened his grip on her until only the faint pressure of his fingers could be felt on her wrist.

"You're so beautiful."

It was completely unexpected. Lily stared at him, swallowing after a moment, uncomprehending and silent. Her eyes were red, probably swollen, her skin was pale and make-up-less; she was an emotional and physical mess. What he said was out of context, had nothing to do with the conversation, or sort of conversation, they were having. She didn't know what to say, how to respond. He moved his hand and pressed his fingertips against her palm before he let go of her and reached into his pocket. He let his hand ball into a fist there, or it looked like it, and Lily crossed her arms again, closing her eyes briefly to collect her tears.

"I have never thanked you," she started almost inaudibly, opening her eyes as she spoke, "for what you did." She said, tilting her head up to him. "Thank you." She said, her voice breaking. She managed to press her lips together and keep herself together. James took a deep breath and nodded, not saying anything. He looked down at the hand he still had in his pocket.

"I'm gonna keep things in order around this place. You know, while you're gone." He mumbled, sort of attempting a jest, from her point of view. She wanted to tell him he didn't have to say anything, or try to cheer her up, that he could just leave, but before she could…she realized she wanted it. She appreciated the at least false fronted attempt at a pseudo-normalcy.

"No you won't." she responded, constricting, but managing a little of a smile through it all.

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**Thoughts?**


	12. In Praise of the Vulnerable Man

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A/N:

I'm still working out my Beta specifics, but I have one now! Thanks to **guacamole-is-dead **for volunteering :). This chapter is un-beta'd, but mayhap the next one will be. Like I said, specifics. 

AWESOME job on reviews last time, I was IMPRESSED and touched, haha. With this chapter, I must say I had a hard time with Remus's character...what do you think? I don't know why it was so awkward to write him, and I'm anxious to see if he came off all right.

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**Chapter Twelve: In Praise of the Vulnerable Man**

James stood in Professor Dumbledore's office, bending some sort of silver balancing trinket back and forth by touching it lightly in the middle with his pointer finger. It was really the only thing he wasn't afraid to touch in Dumbledore's office; everything was just so old and breakable looking. He wasn't exactly sure why he'd been called to the headmaster's office; Professor Dumbledore had simply sent him a letter by way of Fawkes about two hours after Lily had departed, requesting his presence. James hadn't seen Sirius for probably a day, and he hadn't seen Remus or Peter for even longer. Not since they'd left the party to go find Lily…he'd just been laying on his bed since his parents left, right after Lily and her parents, starting at the ceiling. With nothing really left to do but try to stop himself from thinking.

James turned around and put his hands behind his back swiftly when Dumbledore entered the office from behind, a soft smile on his wizened face. He gestured at a plush chair in front of his desk for James to have a seat, and made his way carefully around the wood desk to his high-backed chair. James sat down without a word, folding his hands in his lap and bending his finger back and forth in a nervous habit, not wanting to run it through his hair in front of the professor.

There was a moment of silence that wasn't quite awkward but more preparatory; Dumbledore steepled his hands and surveyed James through his half moon glasses, his crinkled eyes soft and the color of daytime blue sky.

"You've had a harrowing few days, Mr. Potter." Dumbledore spoke up gently, a crooked, sad half-smile appearing on his lips. James didn't respond; he just nodded his head ever so slightly without changing his expression. He didn't know how to respond to that. Dumbledore cleared his throat softly, still surveying James with his piercing gaze.

"I have made certain your teachers fully understand your situation. You have been exempt from the work you missed only because I have assured the staff you are capable of keeping up and will not take advantage of their generosity. Can you do that?"

"Yes, sir." James mumbled, clearing his throat afterwards. He wasn't sure he was behaving exactly politely, but he was listless and a little dull. He tried to straighten up his shoulders. Suddenly, he thought of something that he guessed had been bugging him subconsciously, and he couldn't help himself from blurting it out.

"You're going to replace the head girl…that's why you called me up here." He said questioningly, giving Dumbledore a bit of a sulky look. Professor Dumbledore shook his head with a small smile and pressed the tips of his fingers against his chin.

"Not at all, not at all. Lily Evans will remain Head Girl until she graduates, and will keep her place in this school. I've simply requested you pay me a visit to impress upon you the level of responsibility that has come into your hands. I am counting on you to help maintain some order in this school, with the prefects, and with controlling the vile rumors that may start, as some students will be coming to _you_ for answers and gossip."

Professor Dumbledore seemed to hesitate a moment; he moved his hands down and flattened them across the desk.

"James. I'm sure you've wondered why I appointed you as Head Boy, especially considering the track record you have with Miss Evans—which _is_ known to us teachers."

Before he could go on, he paused, as if to give James a chance for some input before he went on.

"Yeah, honestly Professor, I was a little surprised." James admitted bluntly, shrugging his shoulders. He remembered attempting to send the letter back with a letter announcing their mistake when Sirius had stopped him, telling him it could be just _oodles_ of fun to annoy the hell out of Lily with that silly silver badge.

Professor Dumbledore nodded, his eyes crinkling more at the corner as her watched James. James suddenly noticed the headmaster looked older, more haggard and tired, than he usually did, maybe even more so than he had when they had met him right after Lily's rape in the common room. James felt sorry for him. He didn't realize what kind of stress this had put on anyone but himself and Lily. He wondered if all the teachers were feeling this down.

"I figured you'd give it to Remus. You know. Someone…good." He said, shrugging again. He didn't know why he felt this dead and apathetic. It was unnatural and he didn't like it.

"Remus Lupin is one of the brightest students of your class. But he is not the type to embrace a position of leadership. I have watched you draw students to you through your entire career at Hogwarts, James. You have always been kind and helpful to the younger students, and you stand out in classes whether you realize it or not. You and Lily Evans are a perfect pair as Head Girl and boy because she, though flawless in many ways, needed to learn to work with those she could not get along with and you, as amusing as I find you, needed to grow up just a little. Do you see now why I picked you James?"

James started to shrug and stopped himself, feeling rude suddenly. He frowned and furrowed his eyebrows, thinking.

"You have great potential," Dumbledore continued, stressing the word 'great'. James raised an eyebrow, a bit surprised. At the same time, he inexplicably understood exactly what Dumbledore was saying. He had actually sobered up a little this year, turned in assignments on time, only skipped a few classes, and Remus had made a few comments lately about him being more serious.

"Thank you, Professor." James muttered, a little embarrassed. He wasn't really used to receiving this much praise on his character from his teachers. He rubbed his forehead, wrinkling his skin in frustration almost. Professor Dumbledore took a long breath and flattened his hand on the desk again, looking piercingly at James.

"I regret the irony of my wishing you to grow up faster; I now wish you could return to the previous innocence you possessed prior to this tragedy. Sadly, time is a thing we do not turn back and the past, we cannot change. That is something we always must accept before we can move forward."

Dumbledore held James's gaze, and this time James was almost mesmerized by his clear eyes and wrinkled skin. He took in the words his professor said and made complete sense of them, and he started to feel something a little more like life in his listless system. He sat up a little straighter and folded his hands in his lap again. Dumbledore smiled a little, looking more appreciative of James's attentiveness.

"I am not replacing Lily Evans because I neither have the desire to nor do I think you would take to it well one bit--not to mention I know she will return to Hogwarts. At this point in time, James, you have the most potential to move forward by the bounds or to lose all hope. I am here to tell you _do not lose your hope_. There is a difference between 'hope' and 'innocence'. We all must lose our innocence; we must _never_ lose our hope."

James swallowed and nodded sharply. He blinked slowly and finally made strong eye contact with the professor sitting opposite him. Dumbledore was smiling, so sadly, like his heart was breaking, and his eyes were glistening with what seemed to be unshed tears.

"I told Lily I'd keep this place in order." James offered gruffly, licking his bottom lip, which was chapped from all the air he'd been sucking in and out while Dumbledore spoke in his soft, lulling voice.

"I'm glad you seem to have already taken the initiative, but I must say that I had no doubt you would," was his gentle reply. James gave him a crooked, half-smile. After another moment of his piercing gaze, Dumbledore stood up slowly, smiling kindly and looking down on James through over the edges of his half-moon glasses. James stood as well.

"Tomorrow you return to the ferocious halls of the school, where gossip will no doubt reign predominate. Tonight, I believe you may find an ample amount of provided dinner in your dormitory…though I wouldn't know how it found its way there."

His blue eyes twinkled briefly and he smiled, holding his arm out. James reached forward and shook his headmaster's hand, a little uncomfortable and freaked out, to be treated as so near an equal to the renowned wizard before him.

"Thank you, sir. I appreciate it." He said, nodding and releasing Dumbledore's hand. The professor waved his hand as if it were nothing and made a flicking motion to the door that popped it open effortlessly. James smiled slowly and made his way towards the door, only to be stopped just as he put his hand against it.

"James Potter," Dumbledore had muttered, almost to himself, though somehow James knew the old man was speaking to him. He looked at James straight on, as if looking into the very depths of his soul, or reading the innermost thoughts written on his subconscious, and said:

"What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger."

James nodded, his hand tightening on the door, and left the room.

He made his way down the marble staircase rather noisily, his shoes clomping against the stone without him attempting to silence them. He liked the sound in his ears right now, and didn't particularly know why. When he stepped out into the corridor, the stone settling quietly back into place behind him, he stood silently for a moment. James hesitantly started to walk towards the staircases, mentally preparing himself for the possibility of running into a fellow student. It felt so weird to be walking around in the open; he hadn't been about the castle for nearly three days now, except for the time he'd made his mad dash to the quidditch pitch. He felt a little jumpy and much exposed, kind of like someone was waiting around every corner to jump out and bombard him with inquiries…inquiries he most certainly did not want to answer. He felt the most open when he spotted the stairs, and had to stop himself from panicking. He walked toward the quickly, knowing full well that anyone looking down or up from other stairs or even the edge of the corridors could see him. He grasped the cool stone rail rightly and stepped down—

"James!"

He swallowed hard, braced himself, turned around…and let out a sigh of relief, slumping against the side of the stairs, when he saw Remus walking towards him with fast-paced steps.

"Blimey, mate." He muttered when Remus was in speaking distance, unable to prevent himself from frowning disapprovingly just a little.

"Sorry," Remus said, rushed. He sounded a little out of breath. "I came out of Gryffindor tower and saw you…didn't want to yell down all the staircases." He stopped again, loosening his shoulders and taking a deep breath. "I was just coming to look for you…haven't seen you much lately." Remus finished off.

James looked at his friend for a minute, taking in his dustier-than-usual frayed robes and the healing gashes on his face. His stomach jolted a little and he counted a few days in his head, thinking about when they'd found Lily and how long he'd stayed secluded…

"Did I miss a full moon?" he asked softly, sounding shocked. He had never, _ever_ missed one of Remus's transformations and he had sworn he never would. Remus reached up to scratch his head and lifted his shoulders in a shrug.

"Sirius and Peter were there," he said, muttering. He always slurred his words in undertones when he spoke of his…affliction. "Don't worry, mate, I don't blame you." Remus said earnestly, his pale grey eyes wide and a little red. James grunted in response and stared at him unblinkingly for a minute.

"Dinner's almost over…" Remus prompted, after James's silence started to last too long. James blinked again and stood up, his shoulders locking back into a more awake posture. He jerked his head towards the stairs, indicating Remus to come with him, and started down to the fourth floor.

"Guess it has seemed like I dropped off the planet?" he said, in response to Remus's earlier comment. Remus seemed to be confused for a minute, and then remembered his previous statement about James's absence. He shrugged, and glanced sideways at James, his hands in his pockets.

"After Sirius showed up, and then Lily's friends, we started wondering where you were. But Sirius told us to back off…and he's only been in the common room once or twice anyway, I don't even know where he is. Susanna is upstairs with the girls a lot."

James nodded, glad to hear some news of what was going on. Well, sort of. He didn't know where Sirius could be either; he hadn't been in the dorm since before James's questioning at least.

The boys took another staircase down to the fourth floor and James walked a few steps ahead to the crafted stone entrance of the dorm. The one-eyed gargoyle opened its lazy eye and peered at James; he leaned down and whispered the password, his lips barely moving. The gargoyle, as usual, nodded discreetly. Remus didn't question James's seemingly odd behavior as he followed him through the entrance; Sirius had told him how Mulciber had managed to get in to the dorm.

There was a crackling fire in the hearth when they walked in, and the coffee table before it was laid end to end with plentiful plates of steaming food. Remus made a whistling noise, and looked at the miniature feast with an impressed look, his eyebrows raised.

"Courtesy of Dumbledore," James informed him, moving around the sofa and plopping down in front of the food. He reached for a golden goblet sitting next to a pitcher of pumpkin juice and couldn't help but be as impressed as Remus was. Remus sat down on a chair at the end of the table, his eyes roaming over the ridiculous amount of food. James drained his pumpkin juice in one gulp, suddenly struck with how hungry he was. He actually didn't remember the last time he had eaten—and that had to be a record for him.

James reached toward the table, for a napkin and a chicken wing, and glanced at Remus, then stopped and straightened up. Remus was looking across the room and up, towards Lily's door. He noticed James looking at him and cleared his throat, leaning back in the chair.

"Is Lily here?" he asked, in the voice of a person who didn't want to wake a sick girl up. James placed the chicken back where he'd found it and shook his head slowly, reaching for the pitcher instead.

"She's gone," he said quietly, concentrating heavily on the flowing orange liquid, "Her mum and dad pulled her for the rest of the semester."

Remus nodded, his observant eyes flicking back up to her staircase and the door that was out of sight behind the wall.

"Semester…" he muttered to himself, "…then she's coming back?"

"After Christmas, she says. I don't know. Would you come back?" James asked suddenly, holding the cup of his goblet with tow hands and looking over the rim of it at Remus curiously, finally voicing his doubts to the truthfulness of Lily stating her promise to return. Maybe that was what had been bothering since early this morning, since he'd woken up on the sofa in front of a dying fire and remembered he was alone in the dorm.

Remus tapped his fingers on the fabric of the armchair. He rubbed his chin with his hand, and James thought of a minute that he looked kind of like a wise old man talking to a child who'd just asked one of those questions that makes you ask: _how did a kid even think of that_?

"I don't know what I'd do. I'm not in the situation." He said simply, shrugging. He chewed in his lip and leaned forward again, not finished yet.

"Lily's going to come back to Hogwarts. I know her a little better than you because she doesn't think I'm a _moron_ and we ran patrol together fifth and sixth year. She _loves_ it here. Everything about it. And she's top of our class and she can't stand her sister…look, she's not going to just cut herself off from this world, James. She wouldn't waste anything like that. There's no way Lily—or anyone, for that matter, I don't think—could come here and then go back to the muggle world, knowing this world exits."

James swallowed a mouthful of pumpkin juice, washing the lump in his throat down with it. He had no idea Remus talked to Lily at all and certainly not enough to know that much. He wasn't even sure he'd known Lily had a sister. Even though he was surprised, he was nonetheless placated by Remus's words, because the other boy was right at all costs. Mulciber was gone, and other than the nefarious Slytherins, there wasn't anything to stop her returning to this world, after a hiatus during which she could regain herself…but he just didn't know. She hadn't seemed happy to be going home, or even at least relieved or grateful. Maybe it was because of that sister Remus mentioned who she hated.

"You're right, Moony." James sighed, allowing Remus the victory. It wasn't that hard to do, as his friend had thankfully given the exact answer he wanted to hear. He shifted to the edge of the couch and reached for the food again, filling one of the ornate plates with potatoes and meat and a few stalks of cauliflower. "What's it like in the real world, mate?"

Remus picked up a goblet for himself and leaned back again, looking a bit worse for wear. James was used to this kind of disheveled appearance from Remus, and ignored it. He chalked it up to the full moon having just passed and what he must have dealt with in school the past day or so.

"At first, no one really knew what was going on. No one really noticed that you guys disappeared from the party because…well, it was crowded. But the next morning, Gryffindor was wondering where the four of you where at breakfast—Dumbledore and McGonagall were gone too—and then the ministry came marching in and took Avery and a few others out by the arm and, uh, your dad swept in the great hall and made an announcement that we were all to go about our school day normally or face the consequences. And James…your dad is…scary as _hell_ when he's angry."

James snorted into his potatoes and cocked an eyebrow. Apparently Remus had never faced Nicholas Potter after setting the basement on fire with a firecracker and some magically enhanced muggle matches. He looked up and Remus went on.

"One of the Carrows…Alecto, she was one they took off with Avery, came back during Charms and started shouting about her father and Lily Evans and pretty much told the whole class exactly what was going on…Flitwick gave her detention for two weeks for disrupting class." Remus finished quickly, when James looked outraged.

"What was she saying?" James demanded, tightening his hand on his goblet. Remus shook his head slightly, giving James a disbelieving look.

"It doesn't even _matter, _they don't believe her." He said rather sharply. He wasn't going to tell James something that he didn't need to know and only send him into a useless rage that would end in him doing something stupid and being even more depressed. He smiled grimly after a moment of James glaring at him. "You'll like this: Ricky McDonald hunted Amycus Carrow and Rodolphous Lestrange down and cursed the hell out of them, and when Alecto tried to get him back Slughorn gave her detention for trying to start a fight, when he saw the whole thing…Slughorn's pretty broken up."

This served for a bit of a smirk from James, imagining the pot-bellied old professor sulking in his office because his golden girl wasn't around to tease him.

"McGonagall's given so much homework lately; I think it's a ploy to get everyone to shut up by overloading them with stress." Remus added, almost as an afterthought, to sort of tie it up. He didn't know if he'd told James what he wanted to hear.

James leaned back and sank into the cushions of the sofa, balancing the bottom of his goblet on his knee with one hand on the stem and looking down at the brownish-orange liquid inside.

"I'm glad she doesn't have to go back," he muttered, moving his cup so the juice swirled inside, the light reflecting off of it interestingly.

"Are you…?" Remus started hesitantly. James nodded, already knowing what he was asking.

"Tomorrow. And Sirius and Susanna, too." He groaned and threw his head back against the back of the couch, turning slowly to Remus. "Think I could get into Hogsmeade for some firewhiskey?" he asked drily. Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. He was at least glad James was capable of making a joke.

"James," he started seriously, leaning forward. James lifted his head up, an eyebrow raised at the sudden change of demeanor. "You know _everyone_ is behind you. And I don't mean just Peter and me and Sirius. It's Gideon, Frank, Shacklebolt—and I don't think I've ever seen Sasha Webber so angry in my _life_. You're not _alone_, mate."

James kept Remus's gaze for a few moments longer and then leaned back, his knuckles white on the goblet of pumpkin juice. He swallowed hard and closed his eyes, thinking of Lily.

"I feel like I'm going into _battle_."

* * *

**Questions? Comments? Complaints? Thoughts?**


	13. Incomplete

**A/N: **I am REALLY sorry about the delay. I actually had this chapter finished almost two weeks ago, a few days after chapter 12, but I'm, er, having Beta problems, actually. This is a longer chapter, and I'm going to start on the next one soon. November is a packed month for me, so it may be a bit of a wait again. I hope you're still interested though, and please to remember to drop a line ;)

**To those I spoke to about Beta: **I am infinitely grateful to you for volutneering, both of you. But the thing is, both of you told me we'd have an exchange of the chapter within a few days, which I take to mean 3 or 4 at most. On other stories, a Beta usually gets back to me either the next day or the day after. I don't like waiting to update when I have a chapter written, because I aim to keep the readers happy. As I said, I am so grateful and happy you volunteered, but we need to re-evaluate what it takes, I believe. So please contact me.

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**Chapter Thirteen: Incomplete**

Lily twisted herself around in the old wood swing that hung from a willow tree in her back yard, gripping the viney rope sides tightly to balance herself on the wobbly slat of wood. She let her bare toes drag in the worn place of grassless earth beneath the swing, ignoring the dusty brown dirt that thinly covered the bottom and a little of the top of her feet. It was chilly outside at best; the sun was making its lazy way down the horizon in front of her, hardly providing any warmth at all, and still she was dressed in light cotton pajama pants and a dark blue camisole, content to have gooseflesh all over.

She ran her finger along one of the leaves that twisted around the swing's ropes, careful not to bend or crush it, as it was fragile in the fading fall. She looked up to watch the sun, considering it safe to stare into the orange-yellow orb now that its rays were dull and falling asleep. It didn't hurt her eyes a bit, it did nothing but cast a fantastical glow over the backyard she'd spent a good amount of her childhood playing in. There was still a playhouse in the very back, under shadow of another willow, though now a little broken and covered with chipped paint. Her mother had replaced a mini soccer goal they'd once had with a garden, and her father had added a shiny new grill to the patio. The swing, though, was still there, as it always had been. They, her parents, would never take it down. Lily used to read fairytales in it, or squeal as Petunia pushed her as far as was safe. Before the magic tore them apart.

The swing reminded Lily of class and romance. It always had. With its weathered look, the vines sprinkled with little flowers that her father wound around the ropes holding it up, and the solemn branches of the willow dropping around it in a curtain, it was like a little scene out of an Austen novel. She had read in it, played pretend in it, and swung in it as a child, and now again she found her way to the wing and the comfort of the weeping willow to think in the nippy November air.

She had been home for three days. For two nights she had barely slept, home in her familiar bed that for some reason was strange to her; she jumped at shadows in her room and noises in her house that she wasn't accustomed to, that frightened her because she was twice as jittery as normal anyway. The clicking of the air system, the occasional creak of the floors if she shifted in bed, or the gentle shut of doors as her parents moved around. Occasional whispers, when she knew they were discussing her. It had been an odd few days, with her mum and dad both calling in to work home the first to stay with her, and the queer feeling of disconnectedness she felt at being away from Hogwarts in the middle of November—not to mention everything else that pressed and ate at her. And possibly, the most disconcerting of all, Petunia's absence.

Lily didn't know what Petunia's days were like anymore, as her sister had graduated a few weeks before the end of Lily's sixth year at Hogwarts, and had spent her summer being completely unproductive with future plans. Petunia was nineteen, and still lived at home, though that wasn't exactly abnormal. She was part-time, apparently, at a local university, studying some obscure subject and no doubt trying to wrangle in some kind of rich man and achieve her ultimate goal of becoming a fifties housewife. If Lily knew her sister, she knew Petunia certainly had no intention of actually working if she could help it. The extra schooling was probably nothing more than an agreement to please their parents. Still, Lily wasn't used to being left in peace when she was at home, or the silence at the dinner-table when Petunia's prattling about nonsense was absent. And she certainly wasn't used to having no one hassle her about insignificant things or tease her about her _freakishness_. Wouldn't Petunia have something to say _now_.

The breeze picked up and Lily shivered, hunching her shoulders in. The wind rustled the willow and it swayed and danced around her, demure and docile, nothing like the awesome and vicious willow that called the Hogwarts grounds home. This was what kept flaring up, bothering her, the reminder of the ordinary in her world, and the remembrance of the extraordinary in what was also her world. Lily felt safe here at home, loved by her parents, and knew that they looked at her the same and felt nothing but what they always had for her. She was comforted by them and their presence, and the devastation and stress, anger, fear, and pain she felt by looking around certain places in Hogwarts was replaced her by a dulling of those feelings and a strengthening of others.

No, nothing here invoked vivid flashbacks, nor here did she fear turning a corner and seeing him or one associated with him, and here she did not feel like she was guarding, watching, and lying all the time when all the while she was burning inside. The only flashbacks were in sleep, and the only fear was in the shadow of night. Now, though, she felt uncertainty, different kinds of fear and stress, fragile, and still, though she couldn't explain it, _shame_. She still wanted to escape, to turn back time and make it all go away, and even sometimes viciously wished no one knew and that she was still bearing the burden herself without them all looking at her and _knowing_. Even her parents, grateful and warm to them as she was, she couldn't stand it, couldn't stand them knowing. She wanted to cover her father's eyes, modify his memory so that he still saw her as pure and innocent, and wrestle all sadness away from her mum. And not to mention the friends and people she had left behind, who she hadn't spoken to yet, and who would need to be faced for the first time after Christmas, at a time when she may just be starting to heal…_could she ever heal?_

Lily blinked stinging eyes and ran her hand down the rope, wincing a little at the burn that flitted across her palm as the friction rubbed smooth skin to knotty rope and vine. The sun had gone now, and all that remained was the purple-gray light that always lingered just before utter darkness crept across the night sky. Her eyes were a little heavy, but the ever cooling air was keeping her awake. She wanted to sleep, like they had made her sleep at the castle, but she wasn't sure if the option of magic was open to her. She was seventeen, but living in this world, and she wasn't up for another test of the limit with the Stature of Secrecy. Not after that incredibly _close_ incident fifth year with the teacups and the frogspawn.

Lily turned in the swing, so she was sitting on it sort of sideways, when she heard the crunch of gravel a little way off. She guessed it was her father, home from work, and stood up, flexing the hand that was raw from the rub of the rope. She walked towards the house, tapping her feet on the mat on the patio before going in so the clinging dirt would fall off and not track on the carpet.

It was warm in the house, and smelled like cinnamon mixed with something her mum was cooking. She stood for a moment, inhaling the soothing scents.

"Lily?"

Her mother's questioning voice floated in from the kitchen, and Lily made sure the door was shut behind her before finding her way to the kitchen. Lisabeth smiled at her when she appeared, her brown hair swept up in a ponytail and falling fetchingly around her face. Lily leaned against the counter, looking over the fresh ingredients her mum was cutting up, when she heard the door slam loudly, and jumped a little. Her dad would never have unnecessarily slammed the door like that…

"Mum, I'm home, I invited Vernon for dinner—"

Petunia Evans stopped in the doorway, her purse in one hand and the other braced against the door frame, looking both shocked and annoyed all at once. Lily's stomach lurched and she suddenly felt apprehensive; Petunia did look a little _too_ surprised to see her sister in the kitchen.

"What is _she_ doing home?" Petunia asked almost viciously.

Lily turned her head back to Lisabeth, who was resting her hand on the chopping board with a worried and exasperated look. Lily tilted her head a little, and by studying the harassed look on her mother's face, put two and two together and guessed that Petunia had not been informed of _anything; _not only had Edward left out the rape, he'd also failed to mention Lily was coming home. Lily groaned inwardly and gritted her teeth. That probably hadn't been the best decision on her parents' part, though it did explain why her father had been so hesitant to answer her question about Petunia at school.

"That's not a very nice way to say hello, dear."

"Why is she _home_? She's supposed to be at that freaky school she loves so much!" Petunia walked a few steps in and dropped her purse down on the table, giving Lily a venomous look and folding her arms stiffly.

"Now _stop_ _it_, Petunia, you will not behave like a child." Lisabeth snapped, smacking her palm on the counter. Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and sighed under her breath, turning to the side so she could see both Petunia and her mum better.

Petunia made eye contact with Lily, her face sour, and clamped her mouth shut. Lily noticed that her sister had taken more notice of her appearance since she'd last seen her; Petunia's hair was clipped to her shoulders and neatly brushed, and her make-up flattered her eyes. Of course, the perpetual pissy look on her sallow face did kind of ruin whatever looks she had.

"It's nice to see you again, Petunia," Lily said civilly, in a quiet, strained voice. She had given up trying to reconcile with Petunia. Petunia's sour pettiness and cruelty had plagued and hurt Lily for years, and through her fifth year she'd tried her best to repair the sisterly bond they'd enjoyed before Lily got her letter, to no avail. Petunia was bitter, determined to hate Lily and misunderstand her world out of jealousy and spite. Lily had simply stopped beating herself up over it and let it go, and now it was all she could do to be civil to Petunia when her sister had no idea what real frustration and anger even was.

Petunia stared at Lily as if she were mad, and then turned her attention to Lisabeth, speaking stiffly and not as loud.

"Vernon will be here for dinner, and I don't want her doing something…abnormal. Or talking about that bloody _school_."

Lily drew her hand into a fist and pressed it against the countertop, resisting the urge to roll her eyes or slap Petunia. Who was this almighty _Vernon_, anyway? Lisabeth made a noise of exasperation and started chopping up vegetables again.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea for Vernon to come over tonight, sweetheart. Lily's not been home long and you girls never see each other. And that way you won't have to worry about any _abnormalities_." There was a touch of a warning in Lisabeth's last word; she had always disapproved of Petunia's adamant insults about Lily being a 'freak' and 'abnormal'.

Petunia looked positively furious.

"I've already invited him! Weren't _you_ the one who said he was welcome _anytime_? Why should I be punished because _she's_ decided to grace us with her presence, she's not even supposed to be here, and once again she's disrupting the entire house—"

"What's going on here?" Edward came into the room behind Petunia, sounding stern, and Lisabeth held up her hands in frustration. Petunia didn't miss a beat.

"—I'm _not_ telling him he can't come, just send _her_ to her room or something and let her write little owl notes to her freaky friends about what a bitch I am—"

"Petunia that is _enough_." Edward raised his voice above his eldest daughter's furious rant, his tone sharp and commanding. Petunia broke off instantly, gnashing her teeth and scowling in Lily's direction. "You will call Vernon and tell him that tonight is not a good night, and I don't care if you tell him I'm the bloody devil as long as you _do it_."

"Dad, you can't do that, it's not fair—"

"Not another word, Petunia Elisabeth."

Petunia looked in furious silence at Edward, her hands clenched at her side, before turning violently and storming down the hall. Lily could hear her slamming things around as she made her way upstairs to her room. The silence that followed Petunia's dramatic exit was heavy, and Lily's sniff was the only thing that broke it. Her mother, thinking she was crying, started and leaned forward.

"Lily, she's just surprised, she'll be all right." Lisabeth said quickly, as if trying anything to stop Lily crying. Lily looked at her blankly for a moment, and stepped back from the counter.

"Why didn't you tell her I was coming home?" she asked, pulling at the base of her shirt subconsciously. Lisabeth's eyes flitted to Edward, who had seated himself at his place at the dinner table, his briefcase on the floor next to him. It seemed he was going to be the one to answer.

"Petunia has been very…_mild_ lately," he hesitated, pushing his hand through his hair with a sigh, and continued. "She's not home too often and when she is, it's almost peaceful. We were just…wary of disrupting her."

"You don't think springing me on her was a little _disruptive_?" Lily responded, irritated. His explanation made her feel like she was some kind of bad news that really did inconvenience the working of the household. Her father looked at her in surprise, when he heard the sharpness of her response, and she regretted it instantly. "I'm sorry…" she muttered, looking away for a minute, down at her bare feet. She curled her toes into the plush carpet. "It's just…I wish you had told her."

"Oh, Lily," Lisabeth sighed. Lily turned to her mother, who was just pulling something off the stove, and looking upset again. "I guess we weren't thinking. It probably wasn't best, now that I think about it, but dear…you have to understand, there was so much going on and we were so scared and upset…we just didn't want to be fighting Petunia; we wanted to get to you." Lisabeth explained, her eyes getting wet. Lily regretted her harsh words even more, and swallowed hard as her mum ducked her head and pretended to be doing something to the food as she wiped her eyes.

"She shouldn't have to cancel her plans for me," Lily said softly, twisting her toe into the carpet absently. She looked up at her father.

"She needs to learn to respect you as her sister and stop this childish jealousy she's always had," Edward growled in response, almost muttering. "I'm not a fan of Vernon as it is; she can go one damned night without him oozing around."

"Edward," Lisabeth hissed in a reprimanding undertone, clicking her tongue at the expletive and probably the insult as well.

Lily swallowed again, feeling a twinge of the old guilt she'd felt as a little girl, when Petunia's jealousy would get the best of her, flare her temper, and she would end up punished because she was angry at Lily's circumstance. She looked after the path Petunia had followed upstairs and then back to her dad.

"Who is Vernon?" she asked. As Edward opened his mouth, Lisabeth cleared her throat and spoke before he could get a word out.

"Vernon is Petunia's boyfriend." She said simply. Edward gave a huge snort, one Lily was afraid to question. With a glare at her husband, Lisabeth continued. "He's nice enough, if a little full of himself. She's been dating him for a few months."

Lily nodded, glancing back at her father. He was smirking, but clearly attempting to contain whatever comment was bubbling behind his lips. Lily didn't ask. She could guess what kind of boy Petunia had taken up with pretty easily. She still felt a little guilty though, and then angry that she felt that way, and tired, so tired. The smell of dinner wasn't appetizing to her, but she knew she'd have to eat if just to soothe her parents worry and convince them she was _recovering_.

"Edward, come get this roast for me while I'm mixing tea," Lisabeth said suddenly, "Lily, will you tell Tuney it's time for supper?"

Lily nodded silently and made her way around the dining table to the hall that led to their staircase. She walked up slowly, dreading a confrontation with Petunia, letting her eyes roam over the still and speechless photos that lined the wall—pictures of she and Petunia as babies, toddlers, and then children, hugging each other, and eventually the single pictures of each of them. Amazing how things changed over time.

"Petunia," she called warningly, to let her sister know she was coming so she could prepare some kind of horrible insult. After all, that was fair, wasn't it? "Tuney?" she asked a bit softer, knocking her knuckles against Petunia's door and then pushing it open. Petunia was sitting at her desk, phone held to her ear, her back to Lily.

"No, forget it, don't come get me _now_, they'll just be angry, I _know_ I hate it too, but really, she's _all_ they've ever cared about—yes, all _right_, Vernon, stop _saying_ that—"

Lily, afraid Petunia would turn around and accuse her of eavesdropping, called her name again abruptly. Petunia twisted her neck around and made a face, rolling her eyes as she went back to her conversation.

"I have to _go_, _she's_ here. Ughhh. Call me in an hour—and do it, Vern, or I won't—ok, stop snapping! _Bye_."

From what it sounded like, Petunia apparently did not have the healthiest relationship with _Vern_.

"What do you want?" Petunia snapped, getting up and giving Lily a nasty look. She opened her closet and started pulling out blouses and tossing them on the bed.

"Mum sent me to get you for supper," Lily answered, watching her demolish her closet and rumple the cleanliness of her made bed. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Petunia scowled at her and picked up a green shirt, holding up to her body and looking down critically.

"_Leaving_, obviously. If you think I'm staying here while they worship you all day you've lost your fucking marbles." Lily gritted her teeth at the harsh language and heard an echo of it, in a different voice. Petunia threw the shirt down on the bed in frustration; Lily didn't mention the fact that it was her shirt. "You ruin _everything,_ you know? They were focusing on me for the first time since you—you _know_—and then they disappear off to your school after some bird shows up in the middle of the night and bring you home to torment me."

Lily swallowed at the base cruelty of her sister's speech. Torment, _ruin_? As if Petunia knew anything at all about torment and ruin. She wanted to cry and claw out her sister's tongue all at the same time. She settled for speaking in place.

"I'm terribly sorry to be _tormenting_ you so bloody much," she responded tightly, turning towards the door a little, "But it would be _nice_ if you made dinner a pleasant affair…though I know how hard it is for you to be _pleasant_."

Petunia rolled her eyes and picked up another shirt, folding it violently and moving to a pair of slacks. She dropped them down again after a brief second and took a rapid step towards Lily, her arms crossed again.

"Why _are_ you back? You didn't even come home for Christmas last year, which broke Mum's heart, so why would you be here in the middle of the semester, when you've got those big _lizard_ tests?" Petunia asked a bit more calmly, thought with the same amount of unfriendly bitterness.

Lily, a little taken aback at the reference to last Christmas and her N.E.W.T.s stood silently for a moment before swallowing, chewing on her lip, and flexing her palm, feeling the raw skin their stretch and burn. She felt a little trapped, like she had to come up with some fantastic story to explain away everything. Her mouth felt cottony and dry, and she was trying to get some words out when Lisabeth called their names from downstairs. Lily whipped her head towards the door, and looked back at Petunia, her eyes a little dull, and suddenly so lividly angry with her sister it was hard to keep her voice the tiniest bit civil.

"What do _you_ care, Petunia?"

* * *

Lily sat in her room later that night, her hair drying and just wet at the tips of her curls from a hot shower, comfortable in long velour track pants and a tank top of Susanna's that she'd found, for some reason, in her trunk. She sat cross-legged on her bed, an open package of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans in front of her, along with a worn copy of _Hogwarts, A History_.

Lily reached into the package of oddly-assorted candy and weighed two or three ominous looking beans in her hand absently. Having eaten hardly any of her dinner, she found she was actually hungry for some of the exotic 'cuisine' of the world she was starting to see was more home to her than her own now. She ran her hand over a page of the book that had a pumpkin juice stain on it, from her first year, when she had sat at the Gryffindor table one morning pouring over her the brand new copy. She didn't read any of the words on the page, just sat staring until the black dots became blurry and she was just lost, not only in thought but in the world itself.

Dinner had been a cold, uncomfortable affair, with her father on a short fuse because of Petunia, her mother upset and sad but trying to be warm as usual, and Petunia's overflowing animosity. Lily had hardly been able to stand it, alternating between the desire to dive across the table and kill Petunia or burst into uncontrollable tears.

At times, her home was comforting, familiar, gentle and welcoming. She loved it, loved seeing her parents whenever she wanted, and loved the acceptance and love she got from them. She relished the smell of her mother's garden, perfumes, and cooking and enjoyed watching the BBC with her father. But the next moment it was all cold and foreboding, didn't understand her and made her ache for the people she had turned into her family back at Hogwarts. She missed the conversation about spells and classes, something her parents couldn't participate in.

Lily looked up from the book and slipped the candy into her mouth, closing her tired eyes and registering the odd jellybean flavor of Gouda cheese, tilting her head to the side. Her eyes burned and pleaded to be kept shut but she forced them back open, unsure if she could sleep tonight or not. Her father had woken her up from a nightmare last night, telling her she had been screaming.

She didn't want that to happen again. She didn't want him to see her fear or feel her helplessness with her, she felt like he was outside of her suffering. She felt like everyone and everything was, and she desperately wanted to get away from her parents whenever they began to ask if she was _okay_, if she _needed_ anything. She didn't even know what to do with herself, because even now as she looked in the mirror she still saw the bruises and the scars. The air conditioning clicked and Lily jumped, looking over her shoulder to the door with furrowed eyebrows. She hated that, hated that sneaky noise. In the room across the hall she heard a loud laugh that was abruptly silenced: Petunia, on the phone with Vernon again.

Lily swallowed the candy, and pressed her lips together when they started to shake, blinking her eyes rapidly. With a heavy arm, she closed the book and slid it to the foot of her bed, twisting closed the top of the candy box as well. Almost desperate for some respite, she reached to the bedside table for her wand and held it in her palm, looking at it, dying to perform some kind of sleeping spell on herself.

She didn't want to risk it; she would wait until it was unbearable, if it ever got unbearable. She was so tired, maybe tonight would be sleepless, perhaps she would be able to rest her weary soul…her head ached. Lily lay down on her bed and, turning her face into the pillows, still gripping her wand, started to cry.

* * *

With dragging feet and bloodshot eyes, James made his way downstairs to the Great Hall for breakfast, hating every step. He had gotten very little sleep the night before, tossing and turning with dread over what he was going to have to face the next day. Remus had left at eleven, and James had gone straight to bed after another freezing cold shower. He'd spent hours tossing in his own bed before snatching a precious hour or two of sleep on the couch in the common room, for some reason only able to sleep in there.

He passed three first year girls on the stairs. One of them gasped and pointed quite blatantly, and he scowled at her a little rudely before moving on. He did not want to walk into the great hall, he would actually rather let Snape embarrass him publicly over and over then walk into the great hall—in fact, he was going to find Snape and beat the _crap_ out of him just to get rid of this feeling…no he wasn't, he was going to go on. James groaned inwardly, annoyed at the confliction and the weakness he was showing.

He stopped outside the great hall, standing off to the side, listening to the loud buzz of conversation inside, the occasional shout of laughter or loud yell across the room. Gritting his teeth and letting out his held breath, he turned and entered the great hall, wasting no time in the doorway and walking quickly to the Gryffindor table. A slight hush fell over the noise, the talking quieted a bit, and he could feel students pointing him out and repeating what they'd heard. He was sure Susanna and Sirius had received this same treatment, though he also kind of hoped they hadn't. He didn't see either of them right away, and was about to lose his control when Sirius snapped his name a few feet down the table. Immensely relieved, he threw himself into the empty spot on the bench.

"Ignore them all," Sirius muttered under his breath, and then louder, "Wormtail, catch!" and he promptly chucked at piece of biscuit at Peter, which of course, hit him square in the face. Peter looked at Sirius, astonished, and James couldn't help but feel a little shocked and, well, betrayed at the joviality of Sirius. Remus looked up mildly from a parchment he was studying and gave James a pointed look before reaching for Pumpkin juice.

"Peter," Sirius began warningly, at a louder level, in a very serious voice, "you suck at this game."

"You didn't even warn me! I would have—if you'd just—"

"No. I don't want to hear your excuses." Sirius said solemnly, dramatically, as if it were some painful sacrifice. Peter just looked confused. James turned sideways and looked at Sirius with his mouth half open; unsure as to if his best friend had had a memory charm performed. Sirius shook his head slightly at James and reached for his own goblet, which oddly held milk this morning.

"They're not watching any more, see. I gave 'em a little normalcy." He said, nodding covertly at the Ravenclaw table, which was closest. James glanced at them out of his peripheral vision, noting that Sirius was right. Except for the occasional sneaky glance, they weren't _staring_.

"Where're Lily's friends?" James muttered, staring at the food on the table with distaste. He wasn't hungry at all.

"Alice is down there," Sirius pointed to where Alice sat next to Frank Longbottom and Gideon Prewitt. "Suze and Sasha aren't coming until Breakfast is over. I think girls have it worse with the gossip stuff."

James tilted his head and nodded, remembering some of the stuff he'd often heard younger girls gossiping about in years past that was just absurd and ridiculous, if not hurtful. He felt a pang of sympathy for not only Susanna and Sasha, but Lily as well. He was definitely glad she wasn't here to endure this.

"We've got Defense first this morning, with the Ravenclaws." Remus said, folding up his parchment and slipping it in his bag. "It's not going to bad, with them." He added thoughtfully, polishing off his breakfast and pumpkin juice. James glared at him dolefully.

"Let's go," Sirius said suddenly, getting up swiftly with a leftover biscuit in his hand and slinging his bag over his shoulder. He flipped his bangs out of his eyes and stood, waiting. James sighed and stood up, lifting his own bag and walking with Sirius out of the hall. Students quieted again as the left, and James glared at a few younger kids who turned around to stare. When they got out in the hall, Sirius stopped James at the base of the stairs.

"Eat this, or I'll throw it at you. Only I'll crumble it and let the bits get in your eye." Sirius threatened darkly, shoving the biscuit at James. James, with a raised eyebrow, took it and bit into it, resisting the urge to open his mouth and mock Sirius with a tongue full of soggy bread. "Good Prongsie." Sirius praised.

"Have you been talking to my mum?" James asked suspiciously, glaring at Sirius now.

"Oh, she may have mentioned something about making sure you ate and don't go all girly-anorexic on me like you did when you were twelve or something…I dunno though."

James punched Sirius in the arm and swallowed the last of the biscuit, wiping his mouth across the back of his hand.

"You have a _plan_?" he asked, tapping his foot and folding his arms. Sirius didn't flash his devilish smile as he usually did; he knew James was asking about a far more serious plan than they usually employed.

"_Normalcy_." He said, as if it were the grand finale in one of the most important games in history. James looked at him for a moment and cleared his throat, so that it sounded like _AHEM_, except he wasn't really playing around. He was a little annoyed with Sirius.

"What the hell are you talking about, Sirius? This isn't a _game_."

Sirius gritted his teeth and his black eyes narrowed towards James in a dangerous way.

"I'm _not_ joking around, James. But you wouldn't believe that, would you? You think I don't have a fucking _care_ in the world."

James realized how he'd sounded when he spoke and swallowed down his flare of anger with his pride, backtracking on his words.

"Sorry, mate. Go on," he said sheepishly, fidgeting with the leather strap on his bag. Sirius stretched out his fingers at his side, all of the joints popping one after the other, and continued.

"Don't give them anything to talk about, see. I took care of Prewitt, Longbottom and Shacklebolt, and a few of the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs who know Lily real well, but other than that the whole school is only gossiping on what they've _heard_. And they don't bloody _need_ to know anything."

Sirius stopped for a split second, looking at James sideways to see if he was warming up to the suggestion yet. James was paying attention avidly.

"Arrogant as it sounds, we rule this damn school, and if we act like we always have, the mystery goes out of it, people fall back into routine, and they only talk amongst themselves. But if you go around acting moody and suicidal, or Lily's friends start ditching class and shit, buzz gets louder and we get harassed. It's like…when you hear of someone's family getting attacked by this dark wizardy Voldamint guy. The person just…doesn't speak of it. Just _don't mention her."_

James blinked as the cleverness of his friend's plan sank in. He was a little distracted by the mention of Lily's name, but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to make _sense, _complete and totally sense. He nodded his head slowly.

"It's brilliant," he allowed. Sirius nodded smugly, his smile fading to a more solemn look after a moment.

They stood in the hall, at the base of the stairs, silent for a moment, James gathering everything in him to be able to pull off this light-hearted act he was going to slip into. The more they acted like they were fine, the less people talked abut Lily and fabricated gruesome stories behind her back.

"C'mon," Sirius said suddenly, jolting James out of his thoughts, "they're all gonna come out in a second." He turned and headed up the stairs followed by James.

"Prongs," he started after a minute, in a low voice. James looked up from watching his footsteps, alerted to something amiss by the sound of Sirius's voice.

"What did you do?" he asked, a tinge of tease to his voice, though he was more serious that playful. Sirius stopped a few steps away from the Defense classroom, glancing over his shoulder briefly to check that there was no one there. He knew McGregor would not be in the classroom, as he was at breakfast with the students this morning.

"It's more…_who_ did I do," Sirius responded. James blinked, and shifted his eyes to re-check the halls, wondering why they were having this conversation now. Usually, if Sirius wanted to tell his smutty stories, he at _least_ waited until they were in the dormitory…

"Right," James said slowly, momentarily distracted from dwelling on Lily. Something occurred to James suddenly, flashes of scenes he remembered from the quidditch game and the after party, Hogsmeade and the great hall, and he almost froze, looking at Sirius apprehensively before he let the words slip out of his mouth: "You slept with _Susanna_."

He could tell by the look on Sirius's face that he'd hit the nail on the head. James almost let his jaw drop, but refrained from it out of respect of Sirius. It wasn't that Sirius had slept with someone that was the jaw-drop factor. It was the Susanna Farris, best friend of Lily Evans and long-time adversary of Sirius Black part. James pressed his lips together in a line and stared at Sirius, waiting for the elaboration.

"When did this happen?" James demanded finally, still shell-shocked at the revelation. He wasn't even sure how he stumbled across that guess, other than lately he'd just noticed a game of flirtation going on between the two. It hadn't even occurred to him that night…in Lily's room…or when he'd come to the common room and found Sirius with Susanna in his lap…but honestly, he couldn't see how he'd missed this. Or why Sirius hadn't told him.

"The first time was weeks ago, September." Sirius muttered as an answer, keeping alert to the time. He leaned against the stone wall casually, making sure there was no painting or photograph there to get in his way. James's eyes widened.

"The _first_ time?" he demanded, hissing. He stared at Sirius as if he'd grown a second head, thinking he'd lost his mind. Susanna was the practical, level-headed, cool one, the one who had always been above it all and firm in her beliefs and very pragmatic when it came to sticky situations. Sirius couldn't have expected to get off with a one night fling with her of all the girls he could have had… "Sirius, what's wrong?" James asked sharply, glaring at his friend. Sirius shook his head wordlessly, his onyx eyes frustrated and veiled by strands of glossy hair.

"I don't know _what_ to do, James!" he snapped, putting his hand to his forehead and wrinkling his face up in what looked like stress. "I didn't even _mean_ for it to happen, for once, the first time! I just wanted to know why she was crying, that girl _never_ cries, and it just…escalated," James snorted at the choice of words, and reined in his derision when Sirius gave him a black look.

"_Escalated_? And what about the second? Or…third?"

"Just _second_," Sirius snapped again, giving James another moody look. James narrowed his eyes as well. He wasn't in the best of moods, and Sirius had started this conversation anyhow. He wasn't about to let him lose his temper. "After her questioning, when I came back from mine," Sirius clarified in a lower voice, with James checking the halls this time. He focused his attention back on Sirius.

"Did something…happen?" he asked hesitantly, his stomach dropping. If Sirius had messed up and Susanna was…if Susanna was in _trouble_ somehow, he didn't think he could handle it. The _stupidity _would be too much to deal with on top of everything else.

"_No_," Sirius said the word in an exhalation of breath, shaking his head, "bloody _hell_, not _that_."

"This was a _bad_ idea, Sirius—Susanna Farris?—you got involved with a girl you don't need to be fucking with—"

"Who says I'm _fucking_ with her?" Sirius interrupted, growling. He glared at James almost viciously. "When the _hell_ did you start thinking of me as scum, anyway?" he asked heatedly, slamming his fist into the wall. James knitted his brow and shook his head.

"Fine, Sirius, if you're not in over your head and aren't trying to back off, then what's the problem?" James demanded tightly, tired of being drawn into provoking Sirius and then having his head subsequently bitten off. Sirius pressed his head into his fist against the wall again, his eyes shielded from James.

"I don't know what she thinks," Sirius said slowly, in a short voice. James realized how hard this was for him, and it suddenly occurred to him that Sirius was doing this in the middle of a hallway on short time in order to be able to get it out. "I don't know what _she_ thinks _I'm_ doing. _I_ don't _know_ what I'm fucking doing—and I'm not trying to screw her around, either." Sirius let out a noise of frustration and flattened his palm against the wall. James watched him, listening.

"Look, mate…I don't do well with the relationship thing. I just go with things. And girls…girls _PLAN_ things. I'm… I'm not _trying_ to hurt her."

James blinked slowly, staring at the side of Sirius's head. He had actually uttered the word _relationship_ in a solemn, non-mocking way. In reference to himself. James felt his head throb, a headache blooming. The world was being turned upside down on him.

"I don't want to hurt her. But I'll end up doing it. So what the fuck do I do?" he asked, turning his head to look at James. James thought he heard the thundering noise of students starting to move around, and he jerked his head towards the stair case to look. Sure enough, he could see students appearing in masses on the lower floors.

"_Don't_ hurt her," James said simply, shrugging his shoulders. "You're not stupid, Sirius. And I don't think your scum, either," James added darkly before going on, "just don't _do_ anything stupid." He reminded him, adjusting the strap on his shoulder. Sirius dragged his nails down the stone as he stood up, still looking brooding and a little distraught.

"You know, I don't think she's stupid either. She's wouldn't tangle herself up in something she couldn't handle," James added, lifting a shoulder. Sirius grunted, and walked with him into the classroom. He slapped his bag down on the desk in back, on the Gryffindor side of the room, and looked up at James, pushing his floppy hair off his forehead. James ran his own fingers through his unmanageable hair and glanced at the doorway. When he looked back, Sirius was in the front of the classroom, standing on top of McGregor's desk. He winked at James, and when the first students started to enter, assumed a macho hands-on-his hips Greek statue pose. The first girls to come in, of Ravenclaw, giggled and looked at him curiously, their attention drawn to him instead of James. A few boys came in next, one of them scowling at Sirius as he tried to distract his girlfriend, and after them Susanna, Sasha, and Alice.

Susanna made eye contact with James as she walked by, her eyes full of something he couldn't fathom, and she set her bag down two tables in front of him, with Alice and Sasha, the empty chair at their table glaringly visible to James. He stared at it, hypnotized by her absence.

"Mr. BLACK, get _OFF_ _MY_ _DESK_!" roared McGregor, slamming the classroom door behind him just as Remus and Peter managed to slip in. Sirius leapt gracefully off the desk and held out the plush chair for the professor, who stood tapping his foot angrily. "It would devastate me to give you a detention on your first day back to class."

Sirius, quick to erase any mention of his absence, assumed a huffy girlish look and shoved his hands on his hips entertainingly.

"All I try to do is show some enthusiasm for you, Professor, by allowing you to see me in my full glory, and you have to get all touchy about your _desk…_"

He threw a wink at Susanna as he walked past her table, still maintaining his dejected air. James saw her bend her head nonchalantly over her paper, and swore he saw a slight smile spread over her lips once they were hidden.

Sirius threw himself down dramatically in the chair between James and Peter, and nudged James with his elbow as he ripped off a piece of the parchment in front of him, balling it up, and giving an innocent look to McGregor, who stared him down before starting to speak to the class.

Sirius flicked his piece of parchment at the back of Susanna's head, and leaned just slightly to James, mouthing the world 'normalcy'.

James turned his eyes to McGregor without a word, remembering exactly why the 'normalcy' was going to be a problem for him. James Potter's normalcy was harassing, embarrassing, mooning after, teasing, talking to, and asking out Lily Evans. And Lily was not _here._

* * *

**COMMENTS, Questions, Complaints**?


	14. Limbo No More

**A/N: **I really apologize for the long wait. It was entirely my fault, as I took forever to write the second part of this chapter (Lily's POV). Now, a few notes: Some of you may have noticed or remember that I mentioned a "sister" of James's in earlier chapters, just in passing. I took that out, opting to remain more canon to the story. Just so no one gets confused (It should be edited in all the other chapters, too). Also, Sirius's Birthday. I realize I may have marked that a little late, because in the fifth book it states Sirius ran away from home at 16, and I put him at the Potters only the past summer, therefore to fix that I explained him turning 17 a week or so after coming to James's house. I don't think its that big of a deal, but I didn't want to be attacked for it. Finally, to Lily and James's ages. Their birthdays are in January and March, meaning they would both be turning 18 while still in their seventh year, as you have to BE 11 to attend Hogwarts. I'm pretty sure I calculated that right. If no...um, oh well. Now, I leave you free to

ENJOY

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Limbo No More**

Tha evening air was biting, chilling, and a light whisper of snow was drifting down from the wintery, indigo cloudy sky. The grounds were covered in smooth snow, whiter than eggshells, that was only marred by a line of footprints leading to the greenhouse, or occasionally the quidditch pitch. The lake was so blue it was almost black, and covered in ice and a thin layer of frothy snow that sparkled on its surface. The battlements and tips of Hogwarts were blanketed in snow as well, and from the windows there came a warm and inviting fiery glow, beckoning one in and serving as a reminder of the nearing Christmas holidays and the comfort of the castle.

The grounds themselves where silent and empty; most students being smart enough to curl up inside by their fires. The sun was set, and it was that time of day when the rays of the sun still linger, not giving way to complete darkness, but the moon is out and casting its own milky-silver glow over the world. The Forbidden Forest, its trees coated in sugary-snow and reflecting the eerie moon-glow, were silent as well—except for the soft crunch of twigs, or the murmur of tree branches as an animal of snow-brilliance gracefully brushed through them.

He wasn't there to disturb the peace of the creatures that called the forest home, nor to destroy the natural beauty of the trees or exotic flowers, but to blend in with the fragile winter wonderland and escape from the loud and unbearable mass of students. He was there to observe with calm eyes the fluttering of the forest, to let the chill air envelop and sink into him, numbing his skin and thrilling his bones. He was there to run in the clear patches, pounding against the snowy ground until all the stress was gone and he was almost exhausted. He was there to admire, to escape, to rest, and to mourn. It was the coldest winter he'd ever spent at Hogwarts, and he wanted it to _freeze_ him.

It was dark now, so dark, and the forest was a mass of bristles and ominous shapes, all things that would seem foreboding and frightening to one who didn't know them intricately. He stepped his way lazily and gingerly through the powdery earth surface, taking sweet time, reluctant to return to the school where so much hustle and bustle and gossip was going on. It was all too ridiculous to handle now; nothing was the same and nothing ever would be. Because everything that used to be important just…_wasn't_ anymore. Everything was cast in a different light, a light that was, instead of gold and bright like the sun, suspicious and misty like the moon. He had to squint to see the threat, and it was daunting.

Animals jumped and fluttered in the trees, marking the night silence with occasional cries or purrs, alerting the world to their presence. It was peaceful and natural; here even the most vicious of creatures should be undisturbed and left to curl up and smile to themselves. He looked ahead of him with doleful eyes, his superior vision shining him a path in the snow to the exit of the woodsy haven. They would be missing him, if not angry at him, for disappearing. But he had to do something to stop it all.

As the break in the trees began to appear, he broke into a run, chilly air whipping through him and snow flecks flying into his eyes and face. As he leapt out of the trees, a warm tingle spread through his muscles and James landed hard in the snow, human again and looking thoroughly ruffled in his Hogwarts robes.

Shivering slightly, James flipped up the collar of his sweater and tucked his hands into his robes pocket, bending his head against the snow and starting a trudge towards the castle through the thick covering on the ground. He took his time, pressing his lips together against the cold, and trying to ignore the way the cold affected him more in this form than as a stag. He didn't want to go back to the school, even if it did mean warmth and delectable food. The past weeks had been monotonous, angry, confusing, defensive, and anything but normal. Solemnity had fallen over them, though it was hidden from their school fellows during the day. Most of their time—not only the marauders but often Susanna, Alice, and Andromeda's as well--was spent in the Head's Dorm. Sasha was around occasionally, but she seemed to have slipped back into her old ways, hardly able to stand the gloomy air and pleading that they needed to try and make it better, for Lily's sake.

But, James reasoned, it wasn't that they weren't healing, or making it better. It was simply that the world had changed. It wasn't only Lily, but everything. The papers were getting more and more gruesome, kids were being pulled from school. The Dark Lord was growing stronger and gathering followers, and the man Nicholas Potter had once scoffed at was now proving to be a threat that could destroy them all. Here it was, almost Christmas, and James was hardly carefree in merry spirit.

He opened the doors to the castle with a frost-bitten hand, ignoring the wet hem of his robes and the melted snow in his socks. Filch was luckily nowhere to be seen, and he was able to shut the doors back quietly and slip in without notice. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and rubbed them together furiously, trying to get the blood running in them again, and made his way to the Great Hall. He could hear the hum of the other people before he got there, and remembered he was coming in at peak dinner time.

Still squeezing his fingers together harshly, he walked in, not making eye contact with anyone, keeping his eyes surveying the crowd. His vision panned over the staff table; Dumbledore was there tonight, and as James looked up there the headmaster's eyes captured his, and he raised one wizened eyebrow, a small smile on his lips. James looked down sheepishly, and hurriedly looked for a familiar face. He found Sirius and Remus quickly, with Peter nowhere in sight, sitting with Frank Longbottom and Gideon Prewitt, and looking particularly down. He groaned inwardly as he walked over and dropped down on the bench beside Sirius, shaking his hair out as he situated himself. Snowflakes fell all over, and wet drops hit Sirius and Remus across the table, both of whom protested.

"Where've _you_ been, mate?" Sirius asked pointedly, raising his eyebrows at James's disheveled appearance. James pretended to go deaf and helped himself to whatever steaming pile of food was in front of him, and a full goblet of pumpkin juice. Sirius harrumphed next to him, probably annoyed that he hadn't been invited on the afternoon run in the forest with James. Feeling pressed to start a conversation, and leaping upon Susanna's absence as fodder for it, James asked:

"Where's Susanna?"

Remus looked up suddenly with a slow grin, at the same time Gideon and Sirius answered, in unison, with more than a little triumph in their voices:

"Detention."

James raised his eyebrows and looked from Gideon to Sirius, waiting for an explanation.

"You do the honors, Gid," Sirius said gallantly, gesturing with his fork. Gideon nodded, smiling gleefully.

"Gladly," he said with relish, his eyes alert, he jerked his head forward at the Slytherin table, and when James turned to look he immediately found who Gideon was gesturing at; she was alone and looking extremely harassed. Victoriana Crabbe. James turned back and nodded, acknowledging that he knew who Gideon was referring to.

"Right," Gideon began again, "she's been a bit _sore_ ever since Avery's removal, not having anyone to sleep around with, Mulciber being gone as well, and she got the bright idea to lash on about Lily in potions. Black and I had just walked in and barely heard her last words before Farris practically _blasted_ her across the room, looking pretty _damn_ intimidating."

James nearly dropped his fork in astonishment, and whipped his head over to Sirius as if he didn't trust Gideon enough and needed his friend's rock-solid word. Sirius's eyes were blazing and he was shaking with suppressed laughter. James just stared at them all, aghast, unsure of what to say. He turned back to look at Victoriana Crabbe, narrowing his eyes, imagining the nasty things that had probably come out of her mouth. He tightened his hand into a fist under the table, silently cheering Susanna at the top of his lungs.

"Prongs, hey, mate, calm down," Sirius said suddenly, touching James's shoulder. He had noticed when James's muscles had all suddenly seized.

"Why don't the lot of them join up and get the fuck out?" James growled, turning back to the table and stabbing his meat with his knife. The boys around him quieted. James chewed the meat he put in his mouth slowly before looking back up, knowing full well he'd made them all uncomfortable with mention of the Dark Army.

"Cold air's gone to your head, mate," Sirius said in a light sort of way, giving James a pointed look. Remus cleared his throat and gave James a look as well, both of them impressing upon him the need for tighter lips. Gritting his teeth together, James tightened his hold on his fork.

"What, I shouldn't talk about it? Shouldn't mention the fact that half of them 'ave already sworn allegiance, and the other half are just _waiting_—"

"That's a serious accusation, James." Remus interrupted sharply, narrowing his eyes and lowering his voice. "Investigations are getting rough out there, no one's taking mercy. People are scared. You can't start pointing out enemies just because the house animosity goes back years."

"They _are_ our enemies." James hissed, lowering his voice to match Remus's. "I _know_ how bad it is, my dad's tangled up in the knot of it. You know who they suspect, who they've seen?" James waited a moment, glaring at them, angry for having been reprimanded. "Nero Dolohov. Adolf Goyle, Caligula Macnair, Lucius Malfoy," James stopped, swallowing, glancing at Sirius for the last one.

"Narcissa's business isn't mine," Sirius said tersely, looking as if he was trying, for once, to be the one keeping the balance. "Just cool off a bit, James. We're not saying they're good people. You could be right."

"You are right," Frank mumbled, looking at Remus darkly. Gideon glanced at him, looking mildly surprised, and Remus glared back unthreateningly. "Alice's mum disappeared last night, she was a muggleborn. And you, Gideon," Frank turned to his left suddenly, "you should know. You're brother-in-law was on the raid where they found all the muggles about to be slaughtered."

Gideon's color drained and James glanced at him quickly, recalling being at Molly Prewitt's wedding with his parents eight years ago, right before he came to Hogwarts. Arthur Weasley, the man she had married, worked for his father and had given James a rubber duck charmed to sing Christmas carols.

Suddenly, James regretted starting the conversation. Gideon was silent now, and Frank was brooding, looking down the tables gloomily; it was the first time James noticed Alice wasn't at the table.

"Is Alice okay, Frank?" he asked in a quiet voice, backing down and starting to eat again, though hesitantly.

"No," Frank answered shortly, "but she wanted to be alone."

James nodded, ignoring the look to kill that Remus was giving him. He looked back at Sirius with his head bent, and met his best friend's eyes solemnly. Sirius's eyes were again a mass of black and hollow-looking, the very look that signaled something terrible in his disposition. Sirius looked at him hard for a moment, as if trying to communicate silently, and then shoved himself away from the table, knocking over his goblet and storming out, his shoulders stiff, his hand shoved in his pockets.

"What the hell was that?" Gideon asked, looking after Sirius. Frank looked a little confused too, and looked to James for an answer. James looked at Remus instead, having an inkling of what was going on, and met Remus's furious eyes. He began to realize why Moony hadn't wanted him to talk about it.

"Now look what you've done," Remus snapped, shoving something into his bag and leaving the great hall. James pressed his lips together in a tight line, and groaned.

It was hell. Hogwarts was hell. There was a schism in the world, a schism in the school, nothing was pretty, perfect, or pure. Nothing was right, no one could be trusted, and friendships were being stretched to the breaking point, as if they were being tested to see who was strong enough to survive. Left alone with Gideon and Frank, both of whom now soberly focused on their own dinners, James's mind drifted back to Lily…

He hoped fiercely that she wasn't this miserable. That she had been spared the news of what was going on here, in their world. He wondered if her Christmas season was going well, and prayed that it was, and as he dug his nails into the wood under the table, he thought of how long, strenuous, and bloody unbearable the next week before Christmas break was going to be. Gritting his teeth again, he looked back up to the staff table. Dumbledore was watching him closely; his chin perched on long, spindly fingers.

James went to find Sirius not long after Remus stormed out; the new silence had been getting uncomfortable, and he almost started to feel like he was suffocating. Under the pretense of needing to talk to Slughorn about the work he'd missed while he was out…cavorting in the forbidden forest, he slipped out and made his way straight to the seventh floor, glaring purposefully at the wall opposite a tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy. A door melted into view and solidified within seconds; James twisted the knob with a glance both ways over his shoulder and entered, shutting the door firmly. Sirius looked up from an armchair, holding an inanimate bludger in his hand. It appeared he had been tossing it up and down.

"Do you ever find it annoying that we can't hide from each other?" James asked, folding his arms and flopping down in a chair opposite Sirius.

"Increasingly," snapped Sirius, looking back down to the bludger and tracing its shape with his eyes. James shrugged and sat in silence for a moment, waiting to see if Sirius would say anything. He apparently was not going to, so James got up and knelt by the quidditch trunk Sirius had already been into, unlocking and pulling out the snitch, holding the fluttery light ball in his palm. He stood by a bookcase full of books on werewolves and myths, running his thumb over the carved patterns and listening to the wings whisper as they fluttered. He closed his hand on the snitch and looked back at Sirius, unlocking his jaw.

"Look, Sirius, I'm sorry I started talking about it. I know you…I know it's hard—"

Sirius snorted derisively here and the bludger smacked into his palm with double the force it should have. He didn't even wince.

"It is rather _hard_ coming from a family of sadistic prejudiced warps," he drawled sarcastically, glaring at James for a second. He looked away, and was tossing the bludger up and down again in the next instant. James swallowed and squeezed the snitch harder. He should have taken Remus's lead and shut up about the death eaters in front of Sirius…his family held so many of the self-styled Dark Lord's beliefs that he got immensely touchy.

"You're not like _them_, mate. And their beliefs don't make them death eaters…there are plenty of people backing down now that all this stuff has started—"

"Regulus has the mark." Sirius interrupted in a dead voice, dropping the bludger to the floor with a death-toll like thud and sitting back in the chair slowly, his eyes swallowed in blackness. James's eyes snapped open and he felt the snitch squeeze its raised pattern into his skin as he repeated the words in his mind, making sure he'd gotten them correct.

"Regulus…the _mark_?" he repeated quietly, still staring like a deer in the headlights. Sirius didn't move; he stared back mechanically, his hair disheveled around his face. James swallowed the sour taste in his mouth, trying to grasp it. Regulus, sixteen years old. Always the pet of the family but…a death eater? It was hardly believable, hardly _plausible_. "Are you sure?"

"I'm _damn_ sure," Sirius answered in a low voice, "would you like to know why?" He dug his nails into the fabric of his armchair and kept his eyes on James, looking tortured by the cruelty of his own blood. "He showed it to them over the summer…and the _fuckers_ couldn't have been happier, _praising_ and _gushing_ over him and how _proud_ they were of him, and how _perfect_ he was."

Sirius' face was pale white, and as James listened something clicked in his mind, though the whole thing was so surreal, so daunting.

"That's why you beat it…I thought you were just sick of it, but it was him…" James trailed off, remembering opening the door of his house six days after arriving home from Hogwarts and finding Sirius on the doorstep, his trunk on the front lawn. He, of course, had been overjoyed, and his parents had had no problem with Sirius moving in, especially as Nicholas had a particular hatred of Orion Black from school days. It had been two weeks before Sirius's seventeenth birthday, and he had been in a raging mood for a few days, refusing to tell James exactly what had been the final straw.

"It was everything, James," Sirius spoke up softly, a bit of the edge gone from his voice. Now he just sounded tired. "They were all talking about him…my cousins, Bellatrix…well she always was a messed up bitch, but Narcy? Narcy was okay! And then she married that bastard Malfoy—Andromeda and I are the only sane ones left! All it _was_ was screaming, hitting, my father beat the shit out of me the night before I came to your place because he found a Gryffindor banner in my room—dammit James, I _can't_ _take_ it! How am I supposed to live knowing I'm related to that? To _them_, they're running around _slaughtering_ innocent people, and they're doing it under a name I have to _fucking_ live with! I don't want to _be_ one of them!"

"You are _not_ one of _them_!" James snapped ferociously, readjusting his grip on the snitch, and snapping out of his mesmerized state of listening to Sirius finally let it out. "You chose to be infinitely better than _them, _you're walking a completely different path! So what if you have _their_ last name, so what if you have _their_ fucking blood in your veins? You have a mind, Sirius, a _soul_, and they belong completely to _you_! They aren't going to get away with this bullshit because we aren't going to let everything burn without a fight. People will start fighting back soon, and what do you do then? Take a _stand_ against them and show them _what the hell you're made of_!"

James's shoulders shook as he gasped for a breath, the wind knocked out of him from practically shouting. Sirius, still slouched in the chair, looking defeated and broken, sat up, a bit of light flickering back in his dull eyes. He stared at James, as James recovered himself from his tirade, and stood up, slowly picking up the bludger and putting it back in the quidditch trunk next to James. James put the snitch back at the same time and they slammed the top down together.

"You think there's a war coming?" Sirius asked stonily, looking James straight in the eye. Just as stiffly, James nodded his head, recalling some words of his father and his father's colleague, late one night during the summer.

"Then I'll fight next to you. No matter what the cost."

_They are everything that hurt Lily._

James could feel his own blood boil as the statement flashed through his mind. He repeated:

"No matter _what_ the cost."

* * *

Lily stood alone in her kitchen, leaning against a countertop with a steaming mug of cocoa in her hands, staring blankly at a picture of her from primary school. The Lily in the picture smiled wide, her eyes huge and bright and her hair curled and cut to her chin. The Lily in the kitchen's lips were pressed together neutrally, her eyes were shaded underneath with the faintest of black-purple shadows, and her hair was falling messily to her elbows. Lily brought the hot mug to her lips slowly, still looking at her younger, sweeter self, and tested the chocolate with her tongue, wincing at the heat of it. She listened to the murmur of voices from the parlor, the occasional laugh or gruff throat clearing, but mostly the deep, pompous sound of Petunia's boyfriend speaking.

She had finally decided she was going to explode if she had to sit in the parlor with her family and the newest addition any longer, and had escaped on the pretense of being cold and needing a warm drink. In truth, she was almost hot—her parents kept it unearthly warm in the house—but the hot feeling drowsed her senses, and the chocolate just soothed her and made her feel a little more at peace. Sure, generic muggle chocolate wasn't nearly as good as that divine Honeyduke's…but she still remembered being told that chocolate was the perfect remedy for despair once, during a dementor lesson. She'd always kept that piece of information close to heart.

She heard a loud guffaw from the parlor, and wrinkled her nose in annoyance, probably that lard Vernon laughing at his own jokes again. She just couldn't fathom Petunia having any interest in the man. He was a few years older than her, maybe four or five, big, rather vulgar, and all too pompous. Even with Petunia's atrocious taste, Lily had been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she'd have better judgment than that man. To all evidence, her father felt exactly the same way. Edward sat on the sofa next to Lisabeth; his hands folded behind his head, slouched a little, and surveyed the couple with a moody look, making snide comments every now and then that were hidden under compliments. Lily wondered if his ribs were bruised from where her mum kept elbowing him. He'd managed to slide in a wink or a half smile across the room at Lily, when she had been sitting in the big armchair, rather separated from everyone else, and receiving contemptuous looks from Petunia and just plain weird ones from Vernon.

Not that she didn't feel like she was always being looked at funny. She always felt Petunia's sour, cold eyes on her, even when she wasn't in the room. She knew Petunia was just thinking up ways to torment her, and she was doing a hell of a good job of it. And she always felt her mother's worried, sympathetic, and paranoid gaze—except that one was in her face, blatant, and even in the way her mother treated her. Like she was walking on glass and afraid of dropping the new crystal Lily on it and breaking her. If it wasn't for her father at least attempting to treat her as he always had, making snarky comments about the Prime Minister and trying to engage her in her old political discussions, she thought she might have died of neglect, boredom, insanity, and just plain…emptiness. Because it's what she seemed to feel, really. No matter how she seemed to move on, it was an impasse. It was an unfamiliar world here, where everything she saw reminded her of the magical world and what she was missing, and then conversely reminded her of what she'd escaped from and what she feared. So it was better not to think…in which case, what did you do? You spent your days living like a fucking _robot_.

Lily snorted quietly into her drink, a few droplets of the hot drink smattering onto her nose. She rubbed the chocolate off on her finger and licked it unthinkingly, as she moved her eyes around the kitchen, looking at the pile of dirty dishes from dinner. After staring at them thoughtfully for a minute, she slowly put down her cup and slipped on some rubber gloves, turning the water to scalding as she squirted soap on a sponge. There, something to do. And an excuse not to have someone come looking for her, as Lisabeth most certainly would. Come looking for her, to see if she'd snapped and taken a razor for her wrist.

Lily started scrubbing the first dish lightly, watching the remaining bits of food and grim slide off easily with the basic soap and slide down the drain in a warm bubble of soap and water. She sighed to herself, shaking her head back and forth to try and clear it. For some reason, she felt like crying again. But she'd already cried today, and twice in one day would have her mum having a secret conference with her father again. She'd over heard them so many times, Edward trying to calm Lisabeth, telling her to take it easy, Lisabeth overwhelmed and lost.

_"No men in the house! We can't, Eddie! Vernon—"_

"_Lissie, Lissie, stop. Don't be like this, don't treat her like she's a doll or something."_

"_She is, Edward! I don't know what to do, how to help her—"_

"_We can just help her when she asks, and let her be Lily, and treat her like Lily, Beth, don't you understand? Treating her different makes her feel like she is…and she's still our Lily…"_

"_But Edward, she's doesn't smile…"_

And did they expect her to? She stood by her father, thanking him silently with soft eyes for his constant defense of her. She didn't know how she wanted to be treated, everything seemed wrong, out of order and out of place—but perhaps that was because she was in the wrong place, and everything was so odd and unfamiliar. All she knew was that being around her father was more comfortable these days, she felt so safe around him, and less fear. Or even, sometimes, less longing for Hogwarts, and then the subsequent terror that came for wishing for Hogwarts. She'd spend hours in her room with her books out, taking notes, memorizing passages, determined to keep her place in the class, filling the dangerous empty moments and spots in her mind with words, words, and knowledge, never letting a moment sit with nothing to do.

But even then, still, there were the nights. She never felt truly well-rested. She tossed and turned, woke up from horrific nightmares and gruesome scenes—not just from her own experience, but from the frightening and odd rumors and reports she was secretly getting from the _Daily Prophet_ and owl brought every morning. She did get letters from Susanna, occasionally Alice. Sasha's were oddly missing, but Lily didn't blame her. She could imagine none of them knew what to say. It was what scared her about going back…the thought that they might all desert her. Might think her different, or changed, or…any of the things _he_ told her they would think…

_NO_.

"Lily?"

Her mum's soft voice was for once in these past weeks the most welcome thing in the world, as she started to hear the beginning of his low cackle in the back of her head, and his words came drifting to the surface. Turning around sharply, almost eagerly, Lily accidentally sloshed soap on the counter, mumbled a curse her mother didn't catch, and half-smiled.

"Mum," she replied, almost sighing. Lisabeth stepped into the kitchen, carrying two dessert plates, and looked from Lily to the sink with a furrowed brow.

"Dear, you don't have to do the dishes." She commented, patting Lily's elbow gently as she set the two plates next to the pile of dirty dinner paraphernalia. Lily shrugged a little and rinsed off the plate she was using, placing it carefully in the drainer to dry. She didn't really answer for a moment, trying to think of something that couldn't be construed as 'suspicious' to say.

"I don't mind, Mum. I wanted a little quiet." She settled for that, it was plausible. Vernon was blustery and loud, it couldn't be denied. Lisabeth nodded understandingly and glanced a little warily towards the parlor.

"We've been hearing about this promotion of his all night…really, I'm very proud of him, but it's gotten a bit tiresome." She sighed, picking up one of the dishes and drying it off. Lily held back a smirk, but looked at her mother skeptically all the same.

"Proud of him?" she asked smartly. Lisabeth lifted one shoulder mildly.

"He's very young, to be so successful. And he makes Petunia happy." She answered, in a very non-confrontational way. Lily almost gagged. Was her mother really that blind to their relationship? Vernon: controlling, arrogant, looking for someone to be his servant. Petunia: willing to be said servant, materialistic, lover of money, bitch. So, technically, they were a perfect match…but honestly, Lily couldn't help but wish Pet would meet a good man and experience some sort of Beauty and the Beast like transformation—Petunia being the beast, in this case—so they could be sisters again. But that wasn't going to happen, and she'd already decided she didn't even care to try to mend the breaks between them. And especially not since Vernon had shown up, often giving her contemptuous looks and slightly worried, harsh, no-nonsense glares. She had a strong suspicion her sister had told him Lily was some kind of…mental psycho. Then, she sometimes entertained the idea of doing something utterly psychopathic, just to satisfy his ridiculous staring and make her own sad existence a little more amusing. She barely stopped herself snorting out loud.

"Lily, are you alright?" Lisabeth asked tentatively, breaking the silence Lily had been pondering in. Ah, so the real reason she'd come to put the dessert dishes up was exposed. She was, again, worried for Lily's mental, suicidal, well-being. It took all in Lily's power not to get frustrated again, not to freak out on her mum like she had the past few times. It was just so _hard_ to keep her cool when all she picked up from her mum were worries that her daughter was about to off herself.

"Mum, I'm fine. Honestly, I just couldn't stand a minute more with him." She answered, her teeth clenched slightly. Lisabeth put up two plates quietly, not speaking again for a minute.

"He doesn't have to come here, if he makes you uncomfortable. We can—"

"Mum," Lily broke in, stopping her scrubbing and turning sideways to face her mother, a little piqued now. "Contrary to belief, I do not sit around under the impression that every man I know is going to _rape_ me." Lily's words broke off sharply and her eyes widened; Lisabeth blanched considerably.

It was the first time she'd spoken the taboo word out loud, and to her ears it rang hollow and death-like, dripping with shame and fear. Lily swallowed hard, having not meant to say what she had and then consciously realizing she actually was uncomfortable in the presence of Vernon, thinking maybe she had left because his looks were just a little discomfiting…ugh. She bit her lips, turning back to the sink, softening her voice when she spoke again.

"Petunia just wants to flaunt him in my face because she thinks I'm jealous that she's got herself a rich, pompous boyfriend. So let her. I don't care."

Yes, her voice was softer, but she could still feel herself pushing her mum away and hurting her feelings. She didn't know what it was that made her recoil from Lisabeth these days; perhaps it was that Lisabeth just said the wrong things, or did the wrong things, to make her feel better. She didn't want to be treated like she was different of fragile. It only made her remember _his_ words and how _he'd_ told her they'd never look at her right again…

"Have you talked to Tuney at all?" Lisabeth asked after a moment, a little neutrally. Lily let out a breath she'd been holding, desperately glad Lisabeth hadn't launched into a 'Lily, we love you so much' speech.

"She doesn't want to _talk_." Lily answered quietly, shortly. She glanced at Lisabeth and shrugged, showing that it didn't bother her much. Lisabeth looked a little forlorn, strained even, staring at a wet dish in the sink. Lily sighed. "Mum, I _know_ it's hard on you. But I can't help it. I'm tired of trying to make peace when all she wants to do is start a battle. Is that so bad? That I'm tired of hating myself for it?" she had an almost pleading note to her voice.

"Lily, _no_," Lisabeth was wide-eyed, and shocked, when she answered immediately. "Don't hate yourself for your sister's faults. Lord knows your father and I have tried so much to make her understand that we don't love either of you anymore than the other, we've tried to make her _see_, but we can't change her and neither can you. Of course it's hard for me to see my daughters so far apart, but I don't blame _you_ for that."

Lily raised her eyebrow a little. It was the most comforting speech, the most un-angering speech, she'd heard from her mum in the weeks she'd been home, and she was so grateful for it. She smiled at Lisabeth, squeezing the soap on the sponge out slowly as she did, and rinsing the last of the suds out with the cooling water. Lisabeth gave her a soft-eyed smile back and kissed the top of her head, putting up the remainder of Lily's dishes as her daughter turned off the sink and wiped the rubber gloves dry. Shutting the cabinets and turning back to Lily, Lisabeth started cautiously:

"There's something…I've been meaning to talk to you about," she stopped for a second, as if testing the atmosphere, and went on doggedly, "about school—"

Lily had stiffened a little at the mention of the conversation that pricked them both a little wrong, when a loud shriek and a crash sounded from the parlor, followed by a boom of laughter so contagious that it could only be Edward's. Looking a little wary, Lisabeth started towards the kitchen doorway, just as Edward's voice echoed loudly from the next room:

"Lily? You've got a visitor."

Glancing with surprise at her mum, Lily followed her into the Parlor, and bit her lip in stifled hilarity at the feel of the room. Petunia was cowering at one end of the room with Vernon, both of them hunched on the side of the couch—Vernon looking very purple and muttering incoherently. There was a busted vase on the floor, apparently from Petunia's frightened dive across the room. Standing towards the opposite wall, where a fire was glowing warmly in the hearth, was Nicholas Potter, looking a little apologetic and brushing off the collar of his robe.

"Sorry," he muttered, and with a flick of his wand repaired the vase, "I suppose some warning might have been appropriate."

Edward stood up, still grinning and took Nicholas's hand in a firm grip.

"Nonsense, you couldn't have come at a better time!" He boomed, releasing the other man's hand and turning towards his family gathered in the parlor. Lily allowed a small smile to appear on her lips and nodded to Nicholas, warmly glad to see him, but at the same time disappointed she'd missed the reaction of Petunia and Vernon as he appeared from the fire.

"How are you, Mrs. Evans? Lily?" he asked pleasantly, nodding to them both. Lily just looked back at him welcomingly, and glanced back to Petunia, resisting the overwhelming urge to smirk and stick her tongue out. Vernon was just pushing Petunia way, straightening his jacket and tie and coughing something that sounded a little like _'devil magic'_. Lily's mother smiled hospitably and said the one thing she was typically known for saying, at least by Lily and her father.

"Wonderful. Nicholas, would you like some dessert?"

Edward flashed a white-toothed grin at Lily and rolled his eyes a little. Nicholas smiled and shook his head, begging off very politely. He glanced a little pointedly at Vernon and Petunia, both of whom looked away quickly, and turned back to Edward, businesslike.

"If I could speak with you and your wife privately?" he asked in a low voice. He then looked across the room, as if thinking quickly. "And Lily as well, come to think of it."

Lily saw her father's face droop a little, and his eyes reign in their frivolity. Lily felt something in the pit of her stomach, and she swallowed reluctantly, unsure if she wanted to hear whatever was going to be said. Her mother touched her shoulder gently from behind her, and Lily crossed the room to her father's side, looking up through her eyelashes at Nicholas as she walked in front of him with her father into the back room of the house, where she'd spent many mornings recently silently watching the news. Lisabeth shut the door, and turned on another lamp than the one that was on, to cast more light in the gloomy room.

"I assume you have news for us?" Edward started right away, refusing to beat around the bush. Lily folded her arms across her chest and sat down in an armchair, crossing her legs in front of her and watching the two men closely. She felt her mum watching her from the corner of the room, at the door. She fleetingly wondered if Petunia was listening outside.

"Naturally," Nicholas answered easily, pulling a purple folder out of his robes. Lily watched it with dislike in her eyes. She remembered the folder, even if it wasn't the same one that the questioners had held. Edward took the folder and opened it, his eyes scanning.

"That's for you to keep, to have on file, whatever you want to do with it," Nicholas stated, gesturing to the folder. Edward nodded, his eyes still running over the page. As he read, Nicholas turned to Lisabeth. "It's a complete transcript of the trial, jury's deliberation, every statement every witness said, all of Lily's testimony, _everything_. Extremely thorough." He informed her.

"Thank you," Lisabeth whispered, her eyes wide. Nicholas gave her an it's-nothing smile and turned back towards Edward, looking past him to Lily and catching her eye. He raised an eyebrow comically and Lily wrinkled her nose, the light-hearted response seeming natural. She couldn't explain to him how excited she was to see him decked out in full wizard garb, even with a little hat that signified his ministry position. She guessed he'd come from either work…or the trial.

"There's no—"

"Verdict," Nicholas interrupted Edward's gruff inquiry, as if he'd been expecting the question. Edward nodded and closed the folder, sliding it onto the table next to Lily. She focused her eyes on it, glaring, and her fingers itching towards it. Oh, no. hell would freeze over before she'd look through that gruesome folder. Nicholas's smooth voice drew her attention from the ominous folder.

"Yes, I know. I've just come from the final trial, to bring you that, as you requested. All the documents for the verdict and aftermath will be verified and filed by the Wizengamot and me, and then I'll get the copies to you immediately. It may take a week or so, I'm afraid."

"Yes, yes, that's fine. And?" Edward said quickly, waving away Nicholas's apology. Lily looked from her father to Nicholas alertly, and stood up, moving closer to her father and listening closely. He glanced down at her briefly, and then they were both looking at Nicholas, he with angry eyes and she with shielded ones.

"Hector Mulciber was found guilty by a unanimous vote of sexually assaulting both Lily Evans and Mary McDonald, and sentenced to expulsion from Hogwarts, a Class C exile, and put under strict house arrest, termination of to be determined after a full four years. He was tried as a graduating minor, not out on his own but legally an adult. Normally, a student wouldn't be given a punishment so harsh, but this…has never happened before and in these…times," Nicholas broke off thoughtfully for a second, and he continued with more momentum. "The Mulciber family received a shock when we arrested their patriarch three days ago for the murder of two witches south of Kent. He's been placed in Azkaban, and the entire family is being watched. We're being…_very_ thorough." Nicholas finished easily, a stern look in his gentle eye.

Edward seemed to be taking it all in, and Lily let out a breath that was audible to everyone watching. She bit her lip as they looked at her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, shifting her wait uncomfortably. Finally, her father spoke:

"Class C exile?" he asked.

"Ah," Nicholas said, remembering he needed to explain that, "It's a ban from ever holding a job for the ministry or in the teaching profession, specifically at Hogwarts. And he'll be registered in the ministry criminal lists of every other ministry in the world, as well as muggle lists. Also, after he's released from house arrest, any minor offense can now land him in Azkaban, with almost no questions asked." Nicholas explained.

Edward let out a low whistle. He turned to Lily and let a slow smile spread over his face, and then reached down and hugged her to his side, his hand rubbing her shoulder. Lily raised her eyebrows in surprise, and flushed a little, embarrassed.

"Better than your justice system would have done, eh, Lils?"

Lily didn't really know how to respond to that, she just felt a blooming sense of relief in her stomach and chest, so completely glad he'd been convicted, imagining the balm this must be for Mary McDonald's sores and wounds, and she felt like laughing. She stepped away from her father's hug and, pretty much unthinkingly, barely hesitated before she stepped forward and hugged James Potter's father, mumbling a thank you into his dusty robes. He put his hand on her shoulder when she pulled back, and there was something funny in his eyes behind their warm look. Lily's own eyes stung with tears that threatened to spill over, and she grabbed onto this feeling tightly, hoping it would help her through nights of sleep, and the rest of her _life_ even.

Lisabeth stepped forward, she was crying, though just a little.

"We cannot thank you enough, you have helped us so much in something we didn't understand…what you've done for Lily, for us," she stopped a little shakily, and Edward sidestepped Lily with a soft smile, putting his arms about Lisabeth. Lisabeth looked up from her husband's shoulder, more composed. "Thank you. We owe you so much."

Nicholas smiled a little wider, and nodded, seeming very relieved himself. He turned away from Lisabeth and Edward for the moment, letting them seem alone briefly and looked down to Lily, who was standing with her hands clasped in front of her, biting her lip again.

"I can see why James thinks so highly of you," he said, and Lily blushed crimson, a little uncomfortable at the mention of James, "You've got a lot of guts. One of the members of the Wizengamot mentioned hearing Dumbledore speak of you as an addition the Law department, saying you were particularly good at potions."

Lily blushed again, and looked down and back up, unsure. Edward clapped her on the shoulder, and turned sideways, facing them all now.

"I've got to get home, or it'll be my behind for missing dinner," he said, smiling. Lisabeth nodded with an almost adoring smile, opening the door for him. Edward left the room to show Nicholas out, and at the door, just as he walked past Lisabeth; Nicholas stopped and turned back to the women, pulling an old-fashioned parchment envelope out of his robes. He reached forward and handed it to Lily.

"Courtesy of my wife. And myself, of course." He gave Lily a wink, said his goodbyes to her mother, and followed Edward down the hall. Lily could hear them talking as they got closer to the parlor and the fireplace, and she clutched the paper in her hands, walking quickly after them with a flashed grin at Lisabeth, hoping he would take the fireplace way out again. She was not disappointed. She reached the parlor entrance, and Nicholas was stepping into the fire, his fingers deep in a pouch he'd pulled from the collar of his robes. She turned and looked wickedly at Vernon and Petunia, Vernon who looked outraged and scared, and Petunia who just looked plain sour and mean.

"Ten-Twenty-One, Peverell Cove!"

Nicholas Potter was engulfed in bright green flames that licked his limbs angrily, and in the next second he had disappeared, any goodbye of his drown by the surprised barking cry of Vernon. Edward was leaning against the fireplace, sniggering a little childishly, taking too much pleasure in the spectacle he was making of Vernon.

"Petunia!" roared Vernon, purple again. Petunia pointed a finger at her father, throwing a vicious glance at Lily.

"You promised she wouldn't cause any trouble! You promised she'd be normal and –and—"

"What's this devil-business going on around here, with your abnormal, gypsy-sister—"

"HEY," Edward's break in was sharp and angry, and Petunia hushed up quickly, Vernon's blustering faded to a mutter. Edward went off on Petunia, and Lily blocked it out immediately; it took Petunia only a moment to fire back, turning what had been a wonderful moment into a screaming assault. Lily backed up until she was almost out of the room, with her mother just outside the parlor door; she slid her finger under the wax seal of the envelope bearing her family name, and pulled out a gilded, stark white invitation.

_Lily, Lisabeth, and Edward Evans:_

_You are cordially invited to the Potter's Annual Yuletide Celebration_

_By Hostess Rosalie Potter and family Nicholas and James Potter_

_December 24__th__, 1978_

_6:00pm-Midnight_

_1021 Peverell Cove_

_We hope you will attend_

_Happy Christmas!_

Lily's eyes scanned over the delicate paper and she felt anticipation spread through her; a possibility of spending Christmas in her world? Her mother was trying to mediate the screaming now, and Petunia was yelling something about leaving and never coming back, but Lily barely heard it. She carefully took a little reply card out of the envelope and turned to the counter top, looking for a pen. She swept a purple ink pen out of a Santa mug, momentarily missing the smell of ink and quills, and placed a check in the 'yes' R.S.V.P box. To her surprise, and amusement, the check sunk into the paper, disappeared, and in place of the writing that was on the parchment, a scrawling, 'Thank You' appeared, written in beautiful calligraphy.

Lily set the invitation on the counter, running her index finger over the intricately designed gilt edge, and closed her eyes. Something felt…_better_.

To answer her mother's question, once and for all, she _was_ going back to Hogwarts.

* * *

**A/N: **Ah, I liked, one more thing: 'Hector Mulciber'...I could not find mention of his first name anywhere in the books or on wikpedia OR on JK's website..therefore, I asked a friend, and she happened to be watching Pirates of the Caribbean, so we called him Hector. Seemed good enough.

Remember to review. And, if you're Twilight fans...what did you think of the movie? I just saw it...My verditc: Bad.


	15. A Year Like This One

**A/N: **Sorry the wait was a little long, this was a LONG chapter, and I was writing it in between end of term exams and what not. I'm finally out for the holidays, and I'm quite thrilled, so hopefull there will be another chapter up rather soon this time. I'd like to say this is the end of what we'll call "Part One" thought I'm not going to make a significant change in chapters or anything. Thanks to all of you who reviewed and favorited, I very much appreciate it.

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**Chapter Fifteen: A Year Like This One **

Lily pressed her lips together, exercising enough will power not to lick them and therefore chap them, and shivered a little in the crisp night air of December. She was glad she had worn flats, and not the strappy green heels her Aunt Meghan had given her for Christmas. As much as she adored them, they would have been the death of her on these classic cobblestones beneath her feet. She glanced sideways at her mum, turning her nose into the fur of her coat, and couldn't help but smile a little at the wide-eyed look of wonder on Lisabeth's face as she looked at the magnificently decorated houses, seeing effects done magically that stunned the senses. Her dad was a little more subdued, being more subtle in his dumbfounded amazement. Lily drew her coat around her tighter, looking forward again, counting the numbers on the pretty houses, and looking for ten-twenty-one, the Potter's address.

As she herself walked through the clearly all-wizarding village, she felt a sense of warmth in her fingertips and skin even through the cold, feeling a touch of home and comfort seep back into her bones. She felt guilty, even though her mum was unaware, that she was so much cheered by this world, but how could she not be cheered by her own. The ride on the Knight Bus had been exhilarating (if not nauseating), and when the conductor had helped her down to the gates of the Christmas-card like village of Peverell Cove, Lily had very nearly sighed with relief.

Yet, as she searched the velvet blue sky for signs of a rising house, and flitted her eyes from house number to house number, she felt nervous and out of place. She hadn't even questioned accepting the invitation, but now she wasn't sure. Would there be tension, awkwardness? She didn't even know how she felt about this herself…James would be there, James who had been _there _when all hell broke loose…

"Lil…ten-twenty-one?"

Lily looked up quickly at the sound of Edward clearing his throat, pursing her lips and raising an eyebrow at the tone of his voice. He sounded a little astounded, and let out a low whistle. Lily looked from the side of the street she was watching up to where her father's gaze centered, set back near a woodsy area, a little away from the other houses. She heard her mother gasp quietly beside her, and she couldn't help but raise her own eyebrows in veritable surprise.

"Lily?" her mum squeaked, a little warily. Lily glanced at the invitation, and then stared hard at the silver letters running along a streetlamp at the entrance of the house.

"Yeah," she said slowly, tucking the invitation into her coat pocket, "this is it."

The manor that rose before them was striking, imposing, and gorgeous in the classy way of old-fashioned society novels. It looked to be three stories, with land sprawling out behind it, almost never ending, and the landscaping looked meticulously attended to—flowers decorated the front lawn beautifully, perfect and colorful even in the snow. Warm lights came from the house, and Lily could make out the brightest green fern wrappings around the gothic columns in the front, no doubt sprinkled with the reddest berries ever known to man. She had always known James was well off. She'd never been informed that he lived in a bloody _castle_.

She swallowed hard, flinching almost, as she started to lead her parents up the path, glad it was so immaculately clear of snow. She brought her hand up to the bangs swooped across her forehead artfully, making sure they were perfectly intact, and smoothed down the hair on her scalp. Her red locks were pulled back into a simple ponytail that tilted a little to the side and let the curled ends bounce against her shoulders. She'd ignored her mother's pleas for her to wear it down, thinking the simple look went better with the emerald green party dress she wore. Lily turned back to wait for her parents, realizing they'd gotten a little behind her, and stepped up on the vast front porch when they were at her sides, startled to be embraced instantly in a cocoon of warmth and gingerbread scent. She watched Lisabeth nervously brush imaginary dust off of her pretty pink blouse, and shook her head a little, looking at the basket in her mum's hand generically. She remembered the hustle and bustle of _that_ ordeal.

"_What do I take, Ed!"_

"_Well, Lissie, I don't…why are you asking me?"_

"_Oh, you're no help…Lil, what do I take?"_

"_Mum…the invitation...don't take anything…"_

She ended up bringing her homemade pumpkin bread wrapped in green plastic, in a basket she deemed adorable, with a light red ribbon. Lily fleetingly had wondered if her mother was crazy when she'd seen it, but had brushed off the odd fit of paranoia Lisabeth seemed to have suffered over the gift to a case of nerves at being in the same house with…well, Lily wasn't sure how many other of her kind were going to be there. She didn't really care to waste time dreading it and building suspense, or hold off on seeing her world shine before her eyes, any longer. She rang the doorbell. A deep, pleasant gonging sound echoed and the door was opened in a split second.

Rosalie Potter, looking absolutely exquisite, beamed at them, her liquid brown eyes that were the exact match to James's crinkling warmly. Lily was a little surprised that a woman who owned this house had opened her own door, but she thought it gave the splendor some normalcy and familiarity. She stepped out of the way, letting the Evans enter the hall and get out of the cold, and shut the door without a sound behind them.

"Welcome! I'm so glad you could come…it was James's idea to invite Lily, and Nick and I enjoyed meeting you so much, we had to extend the invitation."

Her manner of speaking was easy and comforting, and Lily smiled as she slipped off her black coat and hung it with the mass of them in the hall. There were loud noises coming from all over the house, exotic and lovely smells, and drifting piano music.

"You're very kind." Lisabeth beamed, just as friendly. Lily could see the two women getting along uncannily well. Lisabeth held out the pumpkin bread. Rosalie took it eagerly.

"Is this home-made? Goodness, you' needn't have gone through the trouble…it smells wonderful."

"It was nothing; it's a very simple recipe." Lisabeth answered. At that moment, Nicholas poked his head around the corner, and seeing them in the hall, appeared fully into view.

"Happy Christmas, Evanses!" He called jovially, spreading his arms wide. Lily giggled, and Rosalie rolled her eyes as she looked at Lily. "Edward, can I interest you in some eggnog? There's only a touch of firewhiskey…"

Although Edward looked a little leery at the mention of the unknown liquor, he nodded amiably and patted Lily's shoulder as he walked past to join Nicholas. James's father clapped Lily's on the shoulder and steered him away from the hall, still talking loudly, presumably to be heard over the din everywhere else.

"You've got to meet Arthur—you have no _idea_ what a novelty you are to that man, come, come…"

Rosalie looked a little worried, as she turned back to the two women.

"I'm afraid we may have to rescue your husband from Arthur Weasley in a few minutes. He's very…er, curious." She said apologetically. Lisabeth responded with a laugh.

"I'm sure Ed can keep up with the curiosity," she said, a little ironically. They, after all, were the only muggles at this party and had virtually no idea of what was going on. Lily allowed herself a little smile, thinking about her parents' reactions to some of the tings they'd experience.

"Well, why don't you come with me, Lisabeth—I'm sure you're interested to meet some of Lily's friends' parents, I know they're interested to meet you." Rosalie laughed a little at that, but she didn't forget Lily for a second. "Lily, dear, James and Sirius are upstairs with Andromeda and Susanna I believe—and if you're hungry, I'm fairly certain my son has nicked at least half of the food and taken up there. If you keep going down this hall and turn to the left, go up the staircase and…I think you'll find them."

Lily nodded, looking down the grand hallway skeptically. Her mum looked at her questioningly, but she gave her an 'I'm fine' nod before making a show of walking down the hall, even though it got a little quieter down this way. She heard her mum's soft voice and Rosalie's fading as she took the closest left turn she found, into an open sort of…center of the house, she guessed. The floor was hardwood, there was a gorgeous crystal chandelier hanging from the ceiling, and the grand staircase was white-washed and wrapped in red garland all the way to the top. She took hold of the smooth banister and started up slowly, marveling at the classic beauty of it. This manor had to be ancient, must have been in James's family for ages. She heard the loud, rising cry of a baby from somewhere downstairs as she stepped onto the landing, and just for the fun of it looked down into the open space. A woman went dashing across as she looked, orange curly hair flying behind her, looking harassed. Lily assumed it was the mother of the crier.

She turned towards the entrance into a hall of the second floor and walked slowly, still running her hand across the banister until it ran out and she hit the wall it started from. The hall was a little dark, but she could see that it was clear of any dust or any sign of dirt at all. There had to be maids here, or something. Surely. Lily heard a thud and a bark of laughter that could only be Sirius Black's, and she tilted her head, heading towards the end of the hall where it was coming from. When she got to the end of the hall, there was a split, two open doorways that circled into a big, carpeted room in which the back wall was nothing but glass, looking out into the starry, winter sky. Lily gasped at the majesty of it, momentarily distracted. The room was sprawling, beautiful, she could hardly imagine what it must be like in summer, when the sun shone through that glass wall. When she looked around for a second time, she remembered her first object in coming here; she'd thought she'd heard the boys. But no, sequestered in the corner, on a raised platform, was another short, spiral staircase. She raised a disbelieving eyebrow and made her way up that one, too. When she came out of this one, she finally felt like she was getting somewhere. This looked to be some kind of recreational floor, but when she turned to the right almost immediately, though down a few paces, a door was cracked. Said door had a Gryffindor banner slung across it, as well as a scrawl in black ink that read 'SIRIUS WAS HERE' and another, below it, that said 'MY MUM'S GOING TO KILL YOU, MUTT!'

Lily giggled. _Jackpot_.

"Give it back, Black, or I'll murder you."

"_Seriously_, Susanna?"

"Shut the hell up James—you wouldn't kill me, Suze, it'd be your loss—"

"You know, Susanna…I think you should be worried…"

"It looks better on me—"

"The hell it does!"

Lily stared quizzically at the door, curious as to what was going on. She took a deep breath, mixed emotions running through her, having no idea what their reaction to her was going to be, or vice versa, and she knocked softly on the door.

"Mum, I TOLD YOU it was Sirius, so just let it be, because he already ate it all…" there was a snort and a scuffling noise and the door was flung open, revealing James standing there in a disheveled sweater and jeans, his hair destroyed and a loping grin on his face. His lips slackened a little when he saw her, caught off guard, and then he shook his head and beamed.

"LILY!"

He screamed, almost girlishly. He blinked at her for a minute, a goofy grin on his lips, and then reached out and gave her a bear hug, burying her face against his shoulder. She widened her eyes a little at the surprise contact and caught her breath, stiffened a little.

"Potter, what the hell?" Susanna grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and jerked him back, rolling her eyes under furrowed eyebrows. "Don't _touch_ her," she snapped, with the obvious idea that Lily was going to freak out and have some kind of attack if anyone touched her. Lily let that one glance off of her and straightened up, recovering herself. She started to smile at Susanna, but Susanna's eyes were starting to shimmer a little, with what looked like tears.

"Hey, Lil, how've you been?" she asked softly, looking a little angry, probably at herself for being so vulnerable in front of everyone, and very happy. Lily nodded, biting her lip on the inside before responding.

"Different," she responded honestly, not even sure if she'd meant to say that out loud. Susanna nodded, lifting a shoulder, and shook her hair nervously, touching it with one hand. Lily couldn't help but roll her eyes at Susanna, and stepped forward and hugged her tightly, closing her eyes for a minute against Susanna's shoulder. "I'm sorry I didn't say good bye," she said quietly, knowing that they were being watched. Susanna pulled back, swallowing.

"Nah, forget it. You wrote back to me, at least." She said, grateful for that. Lily nodded, letting her breath go. Susanna's letters had been a great comfort, and she wanted to thank her for that. But not here. They were being too…open for even Lily. And Sirius was in the room. While they were talking, Andromeda had come up behind, Susanna, and Lily noticed how pretty she looked, a female version of Sirius in a silver dress.

"Andy!" she greeted, surprised that she didn't have to force the enthusiasm into her voice. Andromeda beamed, her old teasing smile whipped back onto her face, and spoke:

"Sorry I didn't write. I was in detention."

Lily laughed. It wasn't too awkward so far…but she still felt ostracized, just a little. She didn't want to ask about what she'd missed, because she wasn't sure if she wanted to know what was going on out in the school, especially if they were talking about her. Sirius and James were making her nervous, she didn't want to look at them; she knew they were looking at her. Susanna was different, they were girls, and they'd seen each other undressed a fair number of times. The horror of the night was downplayed a little in the fact that Lily needn't be embarrassed in front of Suze, but James and Sirius…she was a little tempted to run and hide, because now the shock was over and the actual thinking about the night had begun, had been going on for weeks, and she was…it was hard to explain.

She kept staring at Andromeda and Susanna, wondering if they were getting uncomfortable yet, because she was stoically refusing to look anywhere else and she felt an unbearable tension in the air, suddenly wishing they'd hustle her away from the boys, somewhere else. She frantically grappled for something to say—anything!—but there was nothing she could come up with; she instead made direct contact with Susanna and rolled her eyes lightly.

"Can I talk now?" Sirius asked loudly, interrupting the silence. Lily raised her eyebrows, a little surprised.

"Who's stopping you?" she asked, a little taken off guard by her own usual response. Boy, the kid really brought out the old Lily…Sirius seemed a little surprised too, but he grinned. Then he scowled and pointed menacingly at Susanna.

"HER." He said, glaring. At this moment, Lily noticed that Sirius had one of his legs propped up on his other knee, and situated on his rather large foot was one of Susanna's prized, designer, _Nicola_ _Vanabeck_ shoes. Lily's eyes widened; she looked back at Susanna.

"He has one of your babies," she commented in a hushed voice. Susanna glowered, throwing him an annoyed look, and showing Lily her bare foot, that was seriously off balance with the other, which was on a tall heel. "I would return that, Black. You might die." Lily informed him.

James snorted, and Sirius gave him a 'how-dare-you-encourage-the-enemy look. He then stood up, looking absolutely ridiculous. Susanna winced in pain as he put his weight on the shoe.

"I'm sorry, Evans, but I can't respond to your request, nor can I hear you speaking. See, I'm not allowed to talk to you, on the account of Miss Bossy-Pants thinking I might say something dumb, only I don't _why_, because, this is me we're talking—"

"Yeah, _dumbass_." Susanna interrupted. She had slipped her wand out of some place Lily couldn't see (there were no pockets on her dress) and flicked it at Sirius casually. He sprawled on the floor instantly; having lost his balance due to the fact that Susanna's shoe was now secured neatly on her foot again. Lily bit her lip, a little irked by Susanna apparently telling Sirius to not talk to her, afraid he would 'say something wrong'. They were all bound to do that.

"You're free to speak to me, Sirius. I'm sure you won't say anything dumber than usual." She informed him, a little edge in her voice. Susanna wasn't stupid enough to miss it, and Lily saw something flicker in her eyes. Her best friend pushed whatever emotion it was back down, and twitched the corners of her lips.

"You look really pretty, Lily." James said, from where he was sitting on the edge of the bed. She guessed that's where he'd ended up after Susanna manhandled him. Lily touched her hair self-consciously, for some reason a paranoid voice in her head sensing a joke, and started to say something…before Sirius broke in.

"Oh, _nice_, James. That was so incredibly subtle."

"What? What the hell?" James responded, furrowing his eyebrows, and looking annoyed.

"I'm just saying you could be more subtle when you're trying—"

"I'm. Going. To. Kick. Your. Ass."

And having sounded appropriately threatening and, Lily noticed, having blushed, James threw himself at Sirius and grabbed his head in an arm lock, starting an almost violent wrestling match. Lily stared for a minute, and turned back to her friends, opening her mouth.

"Yeah," Andromeda answered, without Lily asking, "they _always_ do this."

"It's kind of funny, because if you catch them at the right time, they look like they're making sweet love to each other." Susanna added wickedly. Lily turned around, relishing the idea at having something to throw in Potter's face every time he started in on her, but was disappointed. The boys were sitting on the floor, almost miles apart from each other, staring in outrage at the girls.

"_WHAT_ the fuck did you just say?" Sirius growled, getting up and brushing off his collared oxford. James glared at Susanna, open-mouthed. Andromeda backed up from Susanna, laughing madly, and Lily couldn't help but smile widely at the terrified reaction of James and Sirius.

"I'll show you sweet love, woman!" Sirius threatened, leaping closer to Susanna, towering over her slender frame. She held back a grin, looking stern, and threw her hands out against his chest, pushing against him. He swatted her hands away and leaned over her, grinning almost sadistically. Then, he swept his arm behind her and pressed his mouth against hers.

Lily almost choked on her own tongue. She switched her eyes from them to Andromeda, who didn't look very shocked, and then turned back to James, who was looking at them with an odd look. He looked at Lily when he felt her eyes on him, and shrugged with one shoulder. He must know something she didn't. She sighed inwardly; what had she missed, and what was she never going to fully get. Andromeda cleared her throat loudly suddenly.

Lily looked around, and James groaned.

"Aww, Bill, get out." He snapped standing up. Lily furrowed her eyebrows, not sure who he was talking to, and the noticed a small boy with shocking orange hair standing in the doorway. She smiled, immediately thinking the kid was adorable. He stuck his tongue out at James, as little kids do, and made smooching noises at Susanna and Sirius. Susanna looked at him and shoved Sirius away instantly. He kept hold on her waist and glared at Little Bill, too.

"Come on, kid! Look what you did!" he grumbled.

"You were supposed to come find me!" orange-haired child protested angrily, shaking a finger at James. James looked a little sheepish.

"Well you were just too good, Bill, we gave up…"

"You found Charlie, and you gave him a piece of cake!"

"He's cuter than you." Sirius said blankly. Susanna smacked the back of his head. Lily stepped closer to the little kids, distracted from the rest and very glad for that distraction. He was still glaring very menacingly at Sirius. Lily had to admit, he was pretty fierce.

"Who is this?" she asked, looking to James for confirmation. He looked pretty harassed.

"Bill Weasley." He said through gritted teeth. "He's seven. He's also obnoxious."

"Sounds like someone I know." Lily answered, raising an eyebrow at James. He opened his mouth, and shut it again, glowing at Bill again like the kid was responsible for Lily's barb. She turned to Bill, smiling.

"Ignore the stupid seventh year boys. They're _jealous_ because you're cuter than them" she said, with a wink. She'd forgotten how much she enjoyed kids, considering she hadn't been around one since her neighbors had a baby when she was twelve. Bill looked extremely pleased at that, and gave Sirius a look that tickled Lily to death.

"I've never seen you before. And I've been to every party since I was two." Bill said expectantly, watching Lily curiously.

"My name's Li-ly. I'm a new friend of James's." she answered, the echo of her voice sounding odd. James? Friend? Same sentence? She heard Susanna make a derisive noise in the background, and Andromeda laughed.

"She's actually not James's friend, _Billy_, she's really mean and nasty." Sirius said jokingly. Lily felt the world go silent, broken only by a louder _slap_ than last time. She knew, she _knew_ Sirius hadn't meant it, but the words hit her so hard. She straightened up from where she'd been leaning down a little to talk to Bill, and didn't look at anyone for a minute. Then she straightened her head, shook her bunched curls back off her shoulder, and glanced back. James looked furious, Andromeda fearful, Susanna angry, and Sirius stricken.

"Come on, Bill," Lily said lightly, trying to sound like everything was fine; "I'll play hide and seek with you!" He punched a fist into the air and started to sprint off, looking back over his shoulder.

"Count to twenty Miss Lily!" he stopped a minute, and Lily thought he looked a little bashful. She turned her back on everyone, watching him closely. "You're pretty!" Bill giggled before darting to the right to disappear down the stairs. Lily followed him after a few seconds of standing there awkwardly, feeling like someone was about to speak to her. As she left, she heard Sirius remark:

"Prongs, you just got schooled by a seven year old."

"Did you honestly call her nasty, just then?" that was Andromeda's disbelieving voice.

"That's why you weren't allowed to talk." The voice was so low, Lily couldn't tell if it was Susanna or James…but she blocked it out, going slowly down the spiral staircase instead. She stood in the circular glass room a minute, looking at her smoky reflection in the glass, her head tilted. Why was this _bothering_ her so much? With a sigh, she turned and decided to start looking…because she might just get lost in this ridiculous house of James's. She was ducking behind a very large armchair, guessing obvious places first, when Susanna touched her shoulder.

"I thought you might need help. You know, Potter's house is like…Buckingham Palace." She said warmly, shrugging her shoulders. Lily nodded.

"It's gorgeous. I've spent my life reading about places like this, dreaming about living in them. Silly princess stories." She said, laughing ironically. She surveyed the room, wondering if she was missing a place. Susanna looked at her sideways, like she was going to say something, but didn't.

"There's a closet over there. It blends with the wall paper." Susanna said neutrally, gesturing towards the wall where the corners of it met the glass. Lily followed her lead.

"How do you know his place so well?" she asked curiously. She jerked open the closet, and a broomstick that looked fit for a five year old fell out on her head. She put it back carefully, and shut the door. Susanna was finishing looking behind a cabinet.

"The Potters have a Christmas party every year, it's a tradition. I've been coming since I was a baby, except for the few times when Daddy was…when we didn't come. I always stayed with Alice and her mum in the kitchen, though." Susann added, her voice quieting after she'd accidentally brought up her dad. Lily did her the favor of not mentioning that, hoping Susanna wouldn't initiate some awkward conversation of November.

"Oh, will Alice be here?" Lily asked.

"I don't know..I think she's with her mum's family, and her dad. You know…you know her mum's turned up missing?" Susanna asked hesitantly. Lily swallowed, and shook her head. She couldn't imagine…that hadn't been in the papers, had it? Or had she over looked it, when she wasn't really taking it all in that well. So much bad news. Susanna rubbed her forehead.

"It happened a week before break…she left a few days later. Frank's here, or he will be."

Lily didn't say anything. She gave Susanna a meaningful look and made her way out of the circular room, back to the hall.

"Which room do you think that little bugger went into?" she asked easily. Susanna looked thoughtful, and pointed to a room with a door cracked open. Lily nodded enthusiastically and went in on tiptoes, feeling a little guilty for sneaking around in Rosalie's house.

"Lily…hey, Sirius—"

"I know he didn't mean what he said. Don't tell me." She interrupted shortly, not wanting to talk about it. She had just begun to believe Susanna wasn't going to be treating her so fragile. Susanna was quiet a moment.

"He really _didn't_." she responded quietly.

"I _know_." Lily repeated, sharper this time. She mentally kicked herself for being that terse. But at least it quieted Susanna's sympathy.

"Bill! Where are you, you sneaky thing?!" Lily called childishly, trying to sound very upset.

"I don't think he's in here…hey; let's check Mr. Potter's study." Susanna suggested, straightening up. Lily looked shocked.

"No! I'm not going snooping in his study…" she hissed.

"It's not snooping; I'd think Mrs. Weasley would be pissed if we lost her little kid!" Susanna responded. Lily had heard the name 'Weasley' about five times now…she thought about the woman with the red hair running by down below the landing.

"Who are the Weasleys?" she asked, having never really heard them mentioned except in passing by Gideon, or James.

"Molly Weasley is Gideon and Fabian's older sister. She's married to Arthur Weasley—"

"Nicholas dragged my dad off to meet him." Lily interrupted. Susanna was caught off guard by Lily's use of Nicholas Potter's first name, but she recovered easily, and snorted.

"Mr. Weasley is _fascinated_ by muggles." She informed Lily, with a crooked smile. "I thought you'd know who she was, you dated Gideon fore_ver_."

Lily bit her lip and racked her brain, trying to remember if in her stint of dating Gideon she could think of any conversations about his family. She did in fact recall him talking about his sister having another baby, about three months into their relationship. She nodded at Susanna.

"Yeah, actually…is Charlie that Bill mentioned, is that his brother?" she asked. Susanna nodded.

"Charlie's five, he's cute, and he'll be a real doll when he's grown up. And then there's Percy, he's two, I think, and Fred and George are the babies, they're twins. They were born in April."

Lily's eyebrows shot up into her hair, and she pursed her lips.

"Um, wow." She said. She was never aware that Gideon and Fabian's sister was that much older than them. At least, not old enough to have five kids already. Susanna nodded, the same kind of smile on her face.

"I can't imagine all those kids. _Ugh_." She commented, shuddering. Lily glanced at her through her eyelashes. Susanna always professed her desire to never have kids, despite the fact that she had always been extraordinarily good with the first years, and her little sisters. She claimed that's exactly why she didn't want her own—she'd had enough.

"Are Bella and Irina here?" Lily asked, referring to Susanna's two little sisters. Susanna shook her head.

"They're, um…with my dad." She said quietly. Lily was stunned.

"What? Why?" she asked, stepping closer to Susanna, and touching her arm. Susanna moved her arm away, crossing them across her chest instead.

"They missed him. I get it, they're five and six, and they don't get what an _ass_ he is. It broke my mom's heart though, and she's been having a hard time. I think Mrs. Potter's been her shoulder to cry on, actually. Though thanks to mum, Mrs. Potter's giving me the mothering, pity look." Susanna added sourly.

"_Sucks_, doesn't it?" Lily said pointedly, narrowing her eyes. Susanna looked like she caught the point really _well_, this time.

"No one means to pity or baby you, Lil. We just don't know…never mind, I don't want to start this." She broke off, shaking her head. She ran her hands back trough her hair and brushed it all over one shoulder, moving out of the room. "We've got to find Bill, or he'll be angry with us and think we skived off like those gits upstairs."

"You've got it wrong, you know. Susanna," Lily said quietly, following her out, and standing outside the door with her hand on the knob, getting ready to close it. "They _do_ pity me. What else can they possibly think to do? You're doing it too."

Susanna looked hesitant, like she knew very well Lily was right. Lily sighed, and clicked the door shut. She gave Susanna a half-hearted smile.

"Don't worry about it, Suze. We've got our own shit to deal with." Lily said, enjoying the small smile her curse brought out of Susanna. "Now," she started a little briskly, "let's split up and find the little orange monkey!" she said a little louder, in case he was hiding nearby. She smiled finally at Susanna and brushed past her, skipping over a few doors and opening another, three down.

She was so disheartened at the chasm that seemed to be between her and Susanna. She hadn't expected it, but now she felt like it was appropriate. She felt selfish, but she felt like Susanna should be worried about her. _Dammit, what's wrong with you, Lily?_

The room she was in was painted a very light, very rosy pink, with a pretty design of orange blossom flowers all around the edges near the floorboards. It was empty, though, and Lily looked around quizzically, at a white rocking chair in a corner, and a little bureau in the corner, with a lamp on it that had intricate carvings up the side. On the wall, there was a painting of a very vivid field, with pretty flowers all in it. Curious, Lily stepped in, looking around. She started to turn, looking for maybe a closet, when she was caught.

"You're SO bad at this game, Miss Lily!"

Bill laughed and pointed a finger at her.

"Oh, I'm _bad_ am I? Well, now you've revealed yourself and I'm going to _get you_!" she growled, spreading her hand like claws. Bill Weasley shrieked and darted off, and after a split second of hesitation, Lily though: _what the hell? I could use the excitement_. And darted off after him.

He was giggling all the way, as he skidded out of the hall onto the landing and scrambled to keep his balance.

"Be careful!" Lily gasped, giggling and catching up quickly, to catch him if he were to stumble on the stairs. She still let him think he was winning, of course. He leapt three steps to get to the bottom before her, and sprinted off towards where his mother had run earlier, yelling:

"You can't catch me, you can't catch me!"

Lily caught up with him, out of breath, and grabbed him around the waist, stumbling as his momentum dragged her into a room. He immediately dropped to the floor, pulling her with him, and kicked, because Lily started tickling him.

"BILL WEASLEY, WHERE YOU RUNNING IN THIS HOUSE!" shrieked a very harassed sounding voice. Lily let go of him instantly, smart enough to recognize the voice of a very angry mother. Bill made a strangled gasping noise, and sobered immediately. Lily blushed, realizing she probably didn't give the greatest impression, sprawled on the floor of a house that wasn't hers, in a very nice dress. She put her fingers to her lips for Bill and stood up, trying to keep her dignity. Bill scuttled behind her, and Lily looked up to see who must be Molly Weasley, looking around the corner, with a tiny baby held against her shoulder. She knit her eyebrows together, and entered the room, looking stern.

"I'm _sorry_ dear, was he bothering you…William, you come here this _instant." _

"Oh, um, Mrs. Weasley…it's my fault, I was chasing him." Lily defended sheepishly, pulling Bill out from behind her all the same. Mrs. Weasley sighed and shifted the baby to the crook of her arm, where he waved a fist excitedly and moved his legs. Lily beamed.

"He's supposed to be playing with his brother anyway…Bill, where's Charlie? I told you not to separate."

Lily felt sympathy for Mrs. Weasley. She had her hands full, it looked like.

"I don't know! You're his mommy, _you_ find him!"

Lily sucked in her breath, astounded.

"_Bill_."

That was apparently all it took. Bill sighed and waved goodbye to Lily as he trudged towards the room Mrs. Weasley had just come out of. Mrs. Weasley watched him go with a bit of an annoyed look, and then turned back to Lily, a very sweet smile on her face.

"It's kind of you to play with him, he's a bit rambunctious. I think they boys were getting tired of him." She said, touching her baby's stomach lovingly. The baby cooed. Lily stepped closer, to get a better look at the baby. His head was covered in the same orange fuzz as Bill's was.

"Forgive me, honey, but I don't think we've met." Mrs. Weasley said. Lily looked up, shaking her head.

"I'm sorry! I should've—I'm Lily Evans." She said, holding out her hand. Instead of taking it, Mrs. Weasley placed hers on top of it softly and smiled with recognition.

"Gideon's Lily? Of course! Nice to meet you, dear." she said warmly. Lily blushed a little, and nodded, affirming.

"It's good to meet you too, Mrs. Weasley. You have very adorable children."

"_Adorable_? Ha. Then you haven't met Percy." There was a high-pitched shriek from the other room, a shout of laughter from a few adults, and a loud, screeching "MOMMYYYYYY!" Lily smiled, and Molly looked to be at the end of her rope. She shifted the baby again, and turned, saying as she walked out:

"You're the girl…honey; you might want to rescue your dad from my husband. And please call me Molly. I'm not that old."

Lily was left alone in the small parlor she'd stumbled into. She looked around, not at all at ease and uncomfortable being alone. She had been perfectly happy playing with her new little friend…she'd found Bill easier to be around than the others. None of this was as easy as she'd thought. This room was very elegant, very classic. There was what looked like a very ancient coffee table in front of an old stone fireplace, atop which sat a chine tea set carved with intricate pictures. When she looked closer, Lily was enthralled to see the figures to be small flowers and butterflies, moving very slightly. There were three very soft, but very deep maroon colored arm chairs and a bookcase in the corner filled with ancient books. They looked like they hadn't been cracked open in centuries. Lily sat down on the edge of the hearth in front of the fire, looking at the warm, small flames within. It must have been tended lately. She looked up at the walls, which were decorated with a few paintings. One, that caught her attention particularly, was of a very young Rosalie Potter held up in Nicholas Potter's arms, a white dress swirling all around her. It had to be their wedding picture. Lily was transfixed.

"Hello, Lily."

Lily's eyes snapped away from the painting and her hand slipped where it supported her a little, drawing a scrape down her palm, she was so startled. Touching the scrape gingerly when she looked at it briefly, she pressed her hand to her chest and swallowed, catching her breath when she saw Remus in the entryway. He smiled crookedly and walked in the room, looking apologetic.

"Didn't mean to scare you," he said, shrugging one of his token tired shoulders. Lily sighed and smiled, dropping her hand into her lap. He walked over and dropped down in an armchair next to the bookcase casually, propping his feet up on a footstool. Lily noted how comfortably at home he was in the Potter's Manor.

"It wasn't you," Lily mumbled, turning her eyes to the painting again. She looked at the mix of colors and oil determinedly for a moment, and made a decision to at least try and convey the kind of conversations and relationships, she wanted to resume. "How have your holidays been, Remus?" she asked.

He looked at her hesitantly, and gave a non-committal shrug, tilting his head.

"I've eaten like an animal," he offered, slipping in a pun that would have had Sirius and James rolling on the floor. Lily just smiled softly and lifted a shoulder. He returned the question neutrally. Honestly, she answered:

"It's been hell."

She wasn't up for the 'I'm fine" lie for another whole semester.

Remus lifted half his mouth in an ironic smile, and moved his eyebrows to show he could relate, if only a little. Lily was pleased he seemed to be okay in her presence, and not acting secretively like he was walking on glass and avoiding pre-arranged list of no-no topics. He just looked fine to be in silence, or talk. But still, she couldn't help but wonder why he wasn't off with the boys, or something.

"I saw Susanna's mum when I came in, I thought you'd be with Suze. Why aren't you?" he asked, looking at her mildly. He had such a non-threatening way of asking things. Like he only cared about the person he was talking to, and nothing else. It made her miss the first weeks of Prefect patrol in fifth year, when she'd been really close to Remus Lupin. Although, the way he used Susanna's nickname threw her off a little…

"I kind of volunteered to play hide and seek with Bill,"

"Aw, weasel brat?" Remus interrupted, in a snorting kind of sweet voice. Lily frowned at him. What was it with all of them having such a grudge against the seven year old? Remus smiled wider at her, to show he was only partially serious, and then tilted his head to look at her sideways. He seemed to survey her closely for a moment. He leaned back, without saying anything.

"We missed you in potions, Lily. Slughorn's on the verge of quitting, I'd wager, and besides, without you Snape's top of the class."

Lily accidentally let herself express her fear, when she heard Remus mention Severus's name. He looked at her with concern, and sat up. She closed her mouth, swallowing, trying to hid the terrified look she was pretty sure was displayed all over her face.

"You okay?" he asked gently, reaching out to touch her arm. She looked at his hand unsurely, and nodded speechlessly. "What did I say?" he asked, pressing her arm slightly. Lily shook her head, forcing a laugh.

"Nothing. I'm just…nothing." She said, trying to pound an airy tone into her voice. She hardly succeeded, but Remus just raised an eyebrow and let it go. Lily smiled a little reassuringly and touched the scrape on her palm lightly, calming herself down.

There was a loud gonging noise that echoed throughout the house, and Lily recognized it as the doorbell. She looked through the entryway from where Mrs. Weasley had disappeared, wondering if she could see anyone come in from that way. Remus looked, too, and both of them heard a squealing giggle followed by gentle laughter. Lily turned to Remus, surprised.

"Dumbledore?" she asked. He nodded, about to answer, when there was another echoing of the gong, and a whooshing, rushing sound from the other room. It sounded like someone had arrived by floo powder. There must be a fireplace in there too…she didn't really doubt it. Lily scooted back a little, ready to get up and leave, when Andromeda entered the room, an orange-haired toddler perched on her back, peeping over her shoulders with a tickled grin.

"Everyone's here, they're serving dinner." She announced, turning around to play-bite at the toddler who must be Percy Weasley's fingers playfully. He shrieked in fear and buried his head in her thick black hair. Andromeda rolled her eyes, and adjusted him on her back.

"Lupin, Sirius and James were looking for you."

Remus got up and nodded goodbye to Lily, and tousled Percy's hair before he left, earning a tongue-wiggle from the kid much like his older brother had given Sirius and James. Lily crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow as she got up easily from the raised hearth.

"Did you do that to get rid of him, or because they were really looking?"

"Both. Sirius wants to apologize but James won't let him near you, and I didn't think you'd want to hear it. So I brought a small child to divert your attention." Andromeda answered, reaching behind her and pulling Percy into a cradle, making a growly face at him when he squirmed.

Lily half smiled and shook her head, squeezing her elbows.

"He doesn't have to apologize. Merlin, it wasn't a big _deal_." She stressed. Andromeda just looked at her, as if she didn't know what to say, for once in her very sarcastic and articulate life.

"He _wants_ to, Lily." She said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Lily looked at her silently, slowly realizing that she wasn't experiencing this party like she should because she was busy guarding her mind and watering down old memories, keeping away these faces that reminded her so strongly of that night…and it was Sirius, it was James, and even Susanna, who had been there and therefore held the most danger. That was why Andromeda and Remus made her feel easier.

"Come on," Andromeda said briskly, after a minute, she swept Percy up deftly into the air and held him by his ankle for a moment before setting him right-side-up on the plus carpet. He giggled madly and pulled on her hand, asking her to do it again. "Or Sirius and James will eat all the food and we'll just have to murder them. I'd like to avoid that, since Mrs. Potter has been kind enough to open her home to us."

Lily couldn't help but laugh at Andromeda's still in-tact humor, even if there was a darkness attached to it that had been absent before.

----------------------------

There was food everywhere. In fact, Lily had only ever seen this much food at Hogwarts, and she was hugely impressed by the magnitude of the feast provided by Mrs. Potter. The smells were warm, spicy, comforting, and delicious, and she was relaxed immediately by the easy atmosphere all the smiling people created as they took seats around the long, mahogany dining table.

She spotted her mother quickly, standing near Rosalie at one end of the table, and smiling as she conversed with Professor McGonagall. Lily raised her eyebrows at Andromeda, who was struggling with Percy next to her. Andromeda, noticing Lily's look, gave up, let Percy down, and turned to Lily.

"Yes, everyone who's anyone comes." She sat matter-of-factly. "You might meet the minister."

Lily wasn't sure if Andromeda was joking or not, but she turned away, so Lily didn't press. She seemed to be looking for someone.

"Fabian! Fabe, hang on," Andromeda called, cupping her hands around her mouth. Fabian Prewitt sat in a chair on the other side of the room; he looked around and smiled when he saw Andromeda, shoving the chair next to him out for her with his foot. Lily caught sight of Gideon a few seats down, sitting next to his sister and looking a little disgruntled. Lily laughed to herself, looking around the room again brightly, a little ill at ease to be caught suddenly alone, but that didn't last long.

Someone evidently slackened on their Sirius-babysitting, because she knew it was him when someone slung their arm over her shoulders from behind and half-hugged her. Even though she was sure it was him, he still startled her, and she straightened her back quickly.

"Lily-goat, I _just_ wanted you to know I think you're a very _sweet_, very lovely, very _nice_ person and—"

"And I'm sure you're a very _nice_, very _sweet_ boy, son."

Lily's father picked up Sirius's hand and dropped it casually, a very calm smile on his face all the while. He patted Lily's shoulder gently and gave her a smile, with a raised eyebrow that asked if she was all right. Lily knew her father, she knew it was all in good fun, and winked at him. Sirius looked at his back a little warily, as Edward took a seat beside an awe-struck, chattering man who could be none other than Arthur Weasley.

Lily raised an eyebrow at Sirius and gave him a quirked smile, pulling out her seat and sitting down to the table. Almost everyone was seated now, and she couldn't wait to start in on all this food, especially when it looked so achingly delicious. Sirius opened his mouth with a glint in his eye, and was pulling out the seat when—

"Thanks, mate. Appreciate it." James sat down next to Lily non-chalantly, tossing his wand onto the table next to his plate. Lily didn't look right at him or Sirius; instead she turned to the chair next to her, to see if it were empty or to find who was occupying it. Susanna gave her a knowing smile, and Lily gave her a relieved one in response, showing her gratitude.

"Happy Christmas, Frank," she said, suddenly noticing him on Susanna's other side. Frank looked a little glum when he smiled back, but he reached over and shook her hand, wishing her happy holidays in return. Lily looked around the table at everyone, taking in the faces she knew.

Nicholas and Rosalie, at the two heads of the table, The Prewitts, The Weasleys—new acquaintances, they were—Susanna's mum, who she'd met once before, Remus, Professor McGonagall, Professor Dumbledore, and then the rest of them, people she didn't know, but had probably heard of. She found the little Weasley boys at a small table near their mum and uncles, Charlie and Bill, that is. One of the babies appeared to be missing, and the other was in Molly's lap, fussing.

"Molly, listen, don't be difficult—"

"Mum, stop, they're not _your_ babies, they're _mine_, you don't—"

"I've had children, Molly, and you—"

"Aww, Mum, lay off, come on!"

"You, young man—"

Molly threw a grateful look at Gideon and shifted the baby to her shoulder, lowering her voice to argue in hissing tones with her and Gideon's mother. Lily shifted her eyes slowly to the other end of the table, where Rosalie sat, turned a little, with Percy in her lap. He was jerking on one of her curls, but she didn't seem to notice. She looked at Nicholas with a quirked eyebrow, and then nodded, shifting her gaze and nodding again.

There was a high, tinkling noise, and Professor Dumbledore stood up, raising his glass crystal glass in the air. Lily didn't recognize the bubbling red liquid within, but the guests fell silent—even the little baby. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw James snatch his wand off the table and straighten up.

Professor Dumbledore waited a moment, smiling benignly and looking at each of them calmly, before he started to speak.

"I would first like to thank Rosalie and Nicholas _profusely_ for again allowing us back to their home, even after the numerous mishaps we have in the past caused,"

He paused here, and a murmur of laughter went through the group.

"Of all the shenanigans, I believe the most memorable would perhaps be young Mr. Potter's firewhiskey experiment of two years ago,"

Even more laughter this time; a loud snort from both Sirius and Remus, and some grumbling from James. Lily smiled a little, curious as to what the headmaster meant. She made a mental note to ask James about it later—that or beat it out of Sirius.

"Oh yes, the memories over the years have been delightful and, well, quite memorable. But this Christmas season, we gather on a bit more somber note. It is perhaps not quite as lighthearted as the rest, yet it means nothing less than any of those past. You see, as you all know well, we are balancing on the brink of a precipice beneath which lies a challenge to us and our future. There will be tests, there will be uncertainty, and we all may at one point want to bow our heads and give up. Even now, there are some of us with doubt in our hearts, and our minds. I ask you to look around,"

Dumbledore paused while the guests complied, and Lily blinked her eyes, dry from staring, and turned slowly to see Susanna, and then James, both looking solemn. Her eyes flicked to her father, where he sat by Nicholas. He looked riveted by the headmaster's speech, Nicholas looked determined, stern. She focused her eyes back on Dumbledore, her eyes stinging just a little. He resumed his monologue:

"It is what you see here, these people, these hearts, and these relationships, that will lead us forward and give us the strength to stand through these perilous years we all foresee. The unity, the trust, and the love between old friends—and new—is what will be the thread that binds us together and gives us the will to preserve what we have grown up with for the generations to come after. In light of recent events, we still gather in hopeful spirit to celebrate a holiday devoted to giving and care—this is the reason we must continue to hope, and the reason we will prevail,"

Lily blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to restrain tears. She concentrated very hard on Dumbledore, not trusting herself to look at anyone else. There was complete silence in the room, and very slowly, Nicholas Potter raised his glass. On cue, Dumbledore fluidly moved into the next of his words; Nicholas had anticipated his very thoughts.

"Therefore, I propose a toast: To the fallen, who have suffered, and to those who stand next to them with an outstretched hand, and give them the strength to stand back up and walk into battle again."

Dumbledore raised his glass, and Lily raised her eyes a little, to find his kind, piercing blue eyes on her. She knew in that instant, he was referring to her most strongly in that last toast. He gave her the barest of winks, and smiled around at the room.

"I shall not force you any longer to listen to and old man blather on. Tuck in!"

Lily pressed her lips together tightly, listening to the sounds of clinking around the room. A few murmurs started, gradually getting louder, as she turned to Susanna and touched her glass to hers; Susanna's facial features were taut, and she smiled at Lily in a stressed way. It was evident she was refusing to cry. Lily's lip trembled, and she smiled back as much as she could, turning to James and rolling her lips together again, to steady them. James touched his glass to hers, and drank, watching her over the rim of his glass.

"Don't worry," he whispered, in a conspiratorial way, as he set his glass down. "Mum _always_ cries."

Lily gave him a wobbly smile too, and looked past his shoulder to his mum; her face was dipped behind Percy's back, so it looked like she was straightening his shirt. Lily's own mum and Old Mrs. Prewitt as well, were both covertly whisking away tears. Lily turned back and set her own glass down, reaching forward to get some potatoes off the plate closest to her.

She heaped her plate full, enthralled as before by the smell of everything. She was still soaking up the words Dumbledore had spoken, and therefore kept quiet while she got her food. She began to think she didn't know as much as the papers had been informing her about what was going on here; his speech was so inspiring and yet so daunting, and it raised in her a fighting feeling, it gave her a light to shine in the darkness. She started to think it was just what she needed.

Then again, it was another one of those sickeningly ironic moments, realizing that it was wide-spread panic and imminent turmoil that revived her from her own inner disasters. She was kind of getting sick of things working out like that.

She looked around the table, watching people, listening to the loud conversations. One of the loudest voices that drew her was coming from the end of the table, near Nicholas and her father.

"Eckelcity?"

"E-lec-tric-ity."

It was yet another red haired, jovial looking person—Arthur Weasley, she presumed. She perked up her ears, trying to overhear their conversation.

"And these people, these _eckeltricians_, they use magic to power your homes?"

"No, nothing of it is magic; it's all done with wires, and electrical currents and voltage."

"Wires? Currents? Excellent, excellent…and what's the function of _recorded players_?"

Lily met her father's eyes Arthur Weasley's shoulder, giggling silently. Edward smiled secretively and raised an eyebrow slightly, looking like he thoroughly enjoyed this.

"Hey, Lily, can you pass the margarine?" James asked, pointing towards Susanna's right arm. Susanna was busy having a conversation across the table. Lily complied with James's request and handed him the porcelain margarine dish carefully, nodding cordially when he gave her a thank you. He looked like he was about to say something else, but he hesitated, still holding the dish, and someone asked for Lily's attention softly, from across the table.

Lily turned her attention to the person requesting it, eyes opened receptively. Her eyes alighted on Professor Dumbledore—who had settled across from her and one seat over—and a rather solemn looking man with a long scar down the side of his face.

"Ah, so you're the famous Miss Evans," stated the man with the scar, looking at her appraisingly. Lily didn't know how to react; she wasn't sure how to take being recognized as 'famous'. Not if he was referring to what she thought he was…

"Sir," she said, half a question, half an acknowledgement. It was all she could think of to respond with. Dumbledore sat next to the man with a characteristic benign grin, which made her feel a little more relaxed than she would have if she'd been alone with Scarface.

"I read a paper of yours on Defensive combat from your sixth year. Smart work, girl, very shrewd. You're name's been up recently for high honors from the ministry—not that we've got any business dealing with school issues right now," the man directed a glower at Dumbledore that didn't look too serious, and ended with a growl.

Lily blushed a little, having been unaware that McGregor had submitted that paper to the ministry. She was a little caught off guard, that it had brought so much attention to her. The man was looking at her appraisingly again, one of his eyes squinting as if he could read her facial features.

"Alastor Moody, Miss Evans. I carted Balthazar Mulciber off t'Azkaban."

"I know who you are," Lily said softly, after having heard his name. He was the top auror of the ministry, one of the most cunning, and possibly most brutal. She had heard his name before in the papers, when people where questioned, as the murders and disappearances started to get more disastrous and things started to blacken and get harder to ignore.

Lily looked down at her food and back up, feeling very alone for a moment. She hadn't been thinking about it at all tonight, really. He was so blunt, bringing out the name of him, even if it was just his father, in dinner conversation. Alastor Moody leaned closer, looking very calculating, his scar looming closer.

"I hope you're considering a career in defense against the dark arts, Missy. We could use someone like you in the—"

"Now, Alastor! What are you doing, scaring the life out of the kids? Let them enjoy life while they can!"

The woman next to Moody interrupted with a pretty laugh, and Lily got the impression she'd been stopped from hearing something Moody hadn't been supposed to tell her. He looked at the woman very coolly and then leaned back, watching Lily as he brought a flask to his lips and took a swig. The woman noticed Lily's look and rolled her eyes.

"He thinks someone's out to poison him, the old _codger_." She waved her hand dismissively and reached across the table, holding it out to shake. Lily took it; she had a firm handshake. "Renata McKinnon. Well, or Meadows. You know my sister? She left Hogwarts two years ago."

"Dorcas? Of course, she was my prefect leader fifth year," Lily responded, smiling at Renata.

"I thought you'd know her. This is my husband—Felix, I'm talking to you! _FELIX!_—this is Felix, Lily." Renata gestured to a man two seats down from Lily, on the other side of Sirius. He looked annoyed for a minute, and then relaxed his face when his wife introduced him to Lily.

"Hello, Lily Evans." He said, touching his head as if tipping a hat to her. Sirius stuck his tongue out and mimicked him childishly and Renata drew Lily's attention back to her, still smiling.

"I thought you might like to know who some people are, hon. Since they've thrown you in here with all these crazy veterans,"

Lily smiled, a little overwhelmed. She kept looking at people…she didn't know if she was paranoid, if it was in her head or really happening, but when she spoke to them, caught their eyes…she thought she saw them stare a little longer, furrow their eyebrows, watch her. Because they knew, they all had to know. And it was making her…uncomfortable, to say the least. She bit her lip, and took a sip of the bubbly red liquid in her glass. It was tangy, and had some kick to it, and had a sort of calming effect. She put it down and nodded, thanking Renata. The young woman was eager and easy to interact with.

"You just met the Moody, he's a barmy git, so don't take him seriously—and I've heard Molly talking about you to Arian, that's her mother, so I know you've met her. If you haven't met Arthur _stay_ _away_ because he's, er, enthusiastic…and then Augusta and Eleazer Longbottom, they're over near Nicholas, on the other side of Frank, of course you know the Willow's aren't here this year…"

Renata paused momentarily in her introduction of everyone, as if to be respectful and reflect. Lily knew Alice's mum had gone missing, and she swallowed the lump that rose in her throat hastily, taking in the people around the table. Frank's mother was very stern and prim looking, while his father was more relaxed and was looking a little tipsy, roaring over some joke with Nicholas. Lily half-smiled.

"It's sad…I miss seeing Teresa Willow since I left school. Right, well…then you've got my other sister Tanya over by Felix and my parents down by Arthur—we'll just call them the old Meadows, ha. Dorcas isn't here; she's off…oh, but never mind. That's—that's Bathilda Bagshot, Dumbledore's talking to, and obviously you know Minerva--"

"Bathilda Bagshot…who wrote _A History of Magic_?" Lily asked incredulously. She heard a groan from next to her, and looked at James.

"That's her all right. _You_ try dropping History of Magic when your mother has the author of the textbook over for tea every Tuesday." He grumbled, throwing a gloomy look at Bathilda, who appeared to be in a light sort of argument with Professor Dumbledore.

Lily raised her eyebrow, following his gaze. She looked very bookish in real life, just the sort of person who would spend her free time researching godawfully _boring_ aspects of magical history.

Renata laughed at James's comment and brushed her hair back off her forehead, helping herself to more of the ham that was in front of her. She was about to start rattling off names again when Felix shouted her name and her attention was stolen by her rowdy husband.

"She pretty much got to everybody…except, wait. The Bones are here—Didyme, Charlotte, Vladimir and Amelia. She's a year older than us, Head Girl—"

"Yeah I remember her," Lily interrupted, catching Amelia's brown eye and giving her a nod. The other girl smiled back and waved a little, in the middle of a conversation with Tanya Meadow.

She looked around the table at everyone she now knew, for the most part. There was a couple she didn't know yet, and one other family…she caught James's arm unintentionally, having not been listening to what he was saying, and widened her eyes with realization.

"Is Barty Crouch here?" she asked in a hiss, turning to him and lowering her head.

He looked at her, and didn't speak for a minute, his eyes boring into hers. She was confused, at the cloudy look in his brown orbs, and started to pull back thinking she'd asked the wrong question, but James swallowed and answered:

"The one and only. And his wife and son, Barty Jr." James nodded subtly at Barty Jr., who was sitting rather sullenly next to his father, watching his mother speak quietly to Arian Prewitt. Mrs. Crouch looked like a very shy, meek woman. James shuddered.

"Junior's off his rocker." He muttered, not elaborating any. Lily noticed Rosalie's eyes flick uncomfortably to Barty Jr. once, and she had a strange feeling in the back of her mind that something was not right, that he shouldn't be here with them. His father looked very stiff and miserable.

"Crouch cannot take a damn _joke_, the bastard." Sirius piped up darkly. James snorted and rolled his eyes, leaning back to allow Sirius into the conversation. Lily raised her eyebrow, still fascinated with the idea of the most political man in the ministry being here—well, besides the minister of course—and only showed interest to be polite.

"You kissed his _wife_, Padfoot." James reminded him antagonistically. Lily's neck snapped back to them.

"You did _what_, you idiot?" she hissed, her teeth clenched. She couldn't imagine being in the same room with him, a prestigious man like that, someone who's policies on hunting those people out there she admired, and acting disrespectful.

"Oh, not that story…" Susanna grumbled on Lily's other side, leaning back. She put her arm over the back of Lily's chair and shook her head. Sirius just grinned, and managed to look defensively innocent.

"First of all, I did not kiss her _technically_. Barty Jr. interrupted, see…barreled into me. Although I did manage, to fling my arms around her _neck_. And in my defense, it was merely Christmas spirit and respect for tradition that spurred me onward,"

He sounded so righteous when he spoke; it was hard not to laugh. Or, no…Lily had always managed to roll her eyes and stalk off. She had always hated this non-chalant, careless, ridiculous attitude of the marauders…she _had_. Had it changed suddenly…because it was better to hear this foolishness than anything else? Or were they just not all that bad? Lily shook her thoughts out, and gave Sirius a look that made him clarify the bit on 'tradition'.

"Prongsie here threw mistletoe across the room, and it hit Mrs. Crouch. I was just attempting to prevent bad luck from being with her for seven—"

"Black…that's not even the right superstition." Lily interrupted, allowing herself to smile. Sirius grinned slyly, and raised his eyebrows in a knowing way. James leaned over.

"He just likes older women," he whispered. "Like, _old_ women."

"I believe that was an indirect insult to Susie, _James_." Sirius responded teasingly, punching him on the arm and giving him a devilish look. Lily had the feeling they had some kind of conversation with their eyes right then, and she turned to Susanna. Susanna just rolled her eyes and picked up her glass, smiling.

Lily watched Susanna a moment more, watching her carefully pick around the food she didn't like that she'd taken anyway. She felt like there was something that needed to be said, a conversation that needed to be had. It was if she'd missed something big…the dynamics between Susanna and the marauders were so completely changed—of course, that _glaringly_ obvious kiss in James's room between Susanna and Sirius was a very un-ignorable clue. It was just another reminder that she was a sort of outsider now.

She was in kind of a quiet place now, hearing the buzz around her, but not taking it in. She responded cordially (and warmly, of course) to a mild inquiry from Dumbledore about how her holidays had been so far. He watched her a little, but she didn't notice, she continued to eat her food and look around, her eyes resting gently on mainly her schoolmates. There were so many things, so many conversations, which made her feel locked off. Factors in the equation that got harder and harder to solve every minute…she went from highs to lows now. As the house-elf that had brought them all to dinner entered, with the help of two others, with dessert, Lily just drank a little more of her drink, scooting her chair back inconspicuously. It was just a characteristic low, and she wanted to be alone.

While Rosalie got up and cleared a few plates, and two or three people moved around to help, Lily slipped away, out not the door that they had entered but the one opposite it behind her.

She wandered away from the chattering and the laughter, letting a long breath out as the noise faded into comfortable silence. She wasn't sure she should be sneaking around the Potter's manor all alone, but at the same time she doubted they were hiding any kind of hideous secret in one of these many ornate and welcoming rooms. She wound up back in the big open galley near the grand staircase, debating whether to mosey around more rooms on the ground level or to explore the middle. She opted finally for the ground floor, but took a different exit of the galley than the one she'd chased Bill through earlier. This hall branched into very open, warm looking rooms, none of which had doors like the parlor with the Potters' painting had had. Lily walked past a room that seemed to be filled with lots of flowers and shrubbery and stopped in front of the next open doorway, transfixed.

The back wall of this room, too, was clean glass from floor to ceiling, and showed off a beautiful view of the sweeping grounds behind the house, and a horizon line of trees just beyond. But it wasn't the stark white walls, the plum trim, or the magnificent paintings on them that caught her attention. Nor was it the vases of red roses sitting on a few strategically placed white tables. It wasn't even the prettily carved bookcase full of glass objects and thin books. No, it was none of these aesthetic things, but instead an alabaster-trimmed-in-gold grand piano placed in the middle of the room, in front of the glass, where no doubt the sun shone every day.

Lily let her hand slide off the wall as she stepped into the room, her eyes drawn to the exquisite piano. She placed her hand every so lightly on the smooth, cool top of it, careful not to get prints on the paint, and looked at a shadow of her reflection, tilting her head. Ghosting her fingers over it gingerly, she came around to sit on the gold-legged, white-pillowed bench, putting her hands in her lap as she moved her eyes over the keys. In the tray where music sat was a single sheet of music, with scratch marks and notes in what looked like a different language all over it. The scrawled title read _Cendres et Diamants_. She knew not what it meant, only that it was French, and looked very pretty. She reached out and traced her finger over the breezy cursive writing, contemplating.

She didn't play, she never had, but she'd always wanted too. It was the look of the piano that enticed her, the purity. It brought to mind classical romance and intangible beauty, and everything she used to daydream senselessly about when she was home during summers, missing Hogwarts. It was like the tree swing at home, and the gothic, old-fashioned look of Potter manor.

It was _peace_.

Lily closed her eyes, and put the tips of her fingers against the keys, lightly pressing them down in order, so it made rich noises that at least sounded in order instead of chaotic and all over the place. She tapped out do-re-mi, the simple tune everyone on earth knew how to play, and bit her lip to keep from laughing out loud. She touched a few more keys, lower and deeper, her other hand still resting idly in her lap, one finger rubbing along the silky fabric of her dress on her knee.

"It actually does help to open your eyes, when you're playing."

Lily jumped a foot and her hand flattened reflexively against the keys, producing a loud gong she was sure had been heard by the entire house. Her breath caught in her throat as she opened her eyes, loosening the tight grip she'd affected on her knee at the surprise. James was standing a few feet away, looking sheepish.

"Erm…sorry," he apologized, looking down; "I didn't mean to scare you."

Lily forced herself to breathe and mustered enough gall to speak.

"Don't…sneak up on me," she said hoarsely, more relieved than angry. No, she wasn't mad at him, just caught off guard and stunned by her own over-the-top spastic reaction. She had never been jumpy…she was now. She hated it. He reached up and scratched the back of his head, still looking quite sheepish. "How did…how did you know where I was?"

He shrugged a little and walked forward.

"I saw you slip out. Thought you were coming back, but you didn't, so I thought you might be upset. I went down the other hall, but then I heard the notes." He explained, coming around the other side of the piano. He rested his hand on the surface and leaned, his gaze momentarily focused on the outside, where a half-moon was hidden partially by clouds.

"Err…_were_ you upset?" he asked cautiously, looking back at her. Lily, hands back in her lap now and fingers threaded together as if in prayer, shook her head slowly.

"No," she started, tilting her head. "More…overwhelmed." She answered honestly, her volume dropping at the end. He nodded, a knowing look on his face. Without warning, he sat down next to her on the bench, his knee knocking against hers slightly. He muttered an apology and studied the music that was in the tray for a minute. Lily reached up twirled a strand of hair around her finger, ignoring the small tug it effected on the band holding her hair in place.

His knee touched hers again, and his thigh pressed against the side of her leg. She almost jumped again at the touch, and looked at him sharply, wondering if James was doing it purposely. He wasn't even looking at her, though, and was looking at the sheet of music analytically. Lily realized that he was just moving his legs to get his feet on the pedals and blushed, glad he wasn't looking at her. She pursed her lips, grasping for something to say, when he splayed out his fingers over the keys, leaning over a little to position them. She watched a little curiously as he started to tap the keys lightly. She tilted her head downwards and looked at his face; his eyes flicked once to the paper and he looked back to the keys, starting to move his fingers around.

Lily was more than a little shocked when she realized he was actually _playing_.

She leaned back a little, giving him more room, listening for a minute, her eyes wide, and her eyebrows up. The music was gently, sad almost, and very light. One of his hands kept the soft, gentle melody, and for a moment his other rapped out an angry, dark undertone. The notes blended together hauntingly, but it was beautiful all the same. She watched his hands, her eyes darting to his face every few notes, mesmerized by the music. It stayed soft, stayed soothing, with still that menacing undertone affected by the deep notes. There was a swell in the tinkling high-notes, and a deep resonation in one or two low keys, and then the elusive menace of the song died down slowly as the high notes rose and gradually also faded away into a single, very high note.

Lily bit the inside of her lip to keep her jaw from dropping.

"You _play_?" she asked, incredulously and even a little admiringly. He leaned back and looked at her sideways, scratching his head again. He tangled his fingers in his unruly hair and mussed it around, looking embarrassed.

"What? Oh, yeah." He answered non-chalantly, as if he were trying to brush it off. He peeked at her again, and Lily realized he wasn't being sheepish out of arrogance or compliment-digging. She realized his friends probably weren't aware he was so musically gifted.

Lily straightened up on the bench, angling towards him a little. She reached up and touched her hair again, still looking at him.

"What did you play?" she asked neutrally, reaching out for the marked up sheet of music and bringing it closer, to look at it.

"_Cendres et Diamants. _Ashes and Diamonds." He answered immediately in French that sounded flawless to her ears. She raised an eyebrow.

"Now you speak perfect French, too?" she asked looking back down at the music. She squinted her eyes at the handwriting that marked notes on the scales and music, and noticed that it too was in French. She might have even guessed it was James's handwriting…it looked like he'd made his own renovations.

"It was pretty…and haunting," she added slowly, to her assessment of the musical piece. He took the sheet from her and laid it atop the piano, smoothing his hand over it.

"It's a lullaby they would play to try and calm prisoners in the Tower of London," James said, surprising her yet again.

Why was he so different? Or why was he so different at home? What about this place made him so much not the arrogant, self-absorbed ass he was at Hogwarts?

"How do you calm someone sentenced to death?" Lily asked quietly, a chill raising hairs on her arm. She thought about the music, and remembered the angelic, sweet notes that had indeed produced such a soothing effect, and the deep undertones that, though menacing, where not utterly terrifying. Could it have calmed those waiting to die? Could it calm people in the darkest moment of their lives…Lily flinched inwardly, throwing a mental wall up inside her mind.

"The piece is originally '_Prieres et Diamants' _or 'Prayers and Diamonds'. It's been changed; the low keys and tones are what's made it 'Ashes'. Supposedly, it had a hypnotic effect…it was written by a wizard."

James shrugged his shoulders at the slightly disbelieving look she was giving him and touched a few keys again, playing a random melody from the song. Lily watched his hands again, and bit her lips, feeling like she couldn't breathe right. She turned to the side, looking at the vase of roses on one of the clean tables, in the corner of the room. She felt tears start to prick at her eyes and she drew in her breath tightly, her face a straight mast almost. He had stopped playing. She felt his weight evaporate as he got up.

"Lily?"

She turned to look at him, forcing a smile.

"Mmmhhmmm?" she responded, not trusting herself to open her mouth.

"Come on," he said, nodding his head towards the door. Pursing her lips questioningly, but not possessing the self control to ask, she got up and followed him, straightening her dress around her knees. He led her to the grand staircase and sprinted agile up, taking the steps two at a time.

She followed him through the hallway she'd come through the first time, when she'd gone slowly, speechless at the grandiosity of his home. She walked quicker this time, to keep up with him, and didn't admire the beauty of the glass room this time before she was following him up the little winding stairs to his room. He pushed open his door roughly and flicked his wand, bringing light into the room. The door bounced off the wall almost closed before it came to a stop behind them.

"Hang on," he said, walking across the room to a closet. He pulled it open and disappeared, leaving the door cracked. Lily took a moment to really look around the room, having not done so when she was here earlier, as she was focusing too hard on remaining calm.

His room was open, airy. His bed was unmade, a mass of blue sheets thrown everywhere. His bedside table had both drawers open, one with socks spilling out, and the top of it was covered in little junk that was in turn covered by an open book. There was a broomstick in the corner of the room that looked old and worn; it was thrust next to a trunk that had tons of stuff spilling out all around it. The walls were smattered with posters of quidditch teams, Gryffindor banners, and clippings from magazines that pertained to his interests. There was even a lunar chart and a few analytical transfiguration maps. In other words, pretty much the room of a normal—well, normal wizarding—teenage boy.

She heard a loud crashing noise and James's muffled swearing from the closet, and turned towards it, coming a little more into the room so she didn't seem standoffish. She walked over to the bedside table and picked up the book, curious. She smirked when she read the title. _Quidditch Through the Ages_. Shocking.

James cleared his throat. Lily dropped the book back to its place and turned around. He was at the edge of the bed, his collared shirt lopsided and his eyes very bright. Lily moved away from the table and stood at the edge of the bed herself. He tilted his head to the side a little and grinned the most familiar grin she knew, the arrogant, lazy, James Potter signature grin. Then he held out his hand, and presented her with a little box tied in a green bow.

"Happy Christmas!" He said gallantly, taking her hand and placing it in her palm.

Lily swallowed and looked at him inquiringly, her mouth open slightly in a question she hadn't asked yet.

"What…?" she started.

"You didn't think I'd forget you this year, of all years, did you?" his face blanched suddenly and his smile dropped; he backtracked, realizing he'd just referenced the horrific year magnificently.

"I'm _sorry_! I just meant…don't be so surprised, it's…Lily…"

She was shaking her head, recovering herself.

"It's okay," she mumbled, still looking at the small box, "you didn't say anything wrong."

He still looked guilty though, and shifted his weight. Lily looked up at him and then pulled loose the bow on the box. She twisted it around her finger for safekeeping and popped open the lid of the simple box in her hands. She picked up the necklace inside gently, holding it carefully but its smooth, silky string, and looked at it at eye-level.

The band was a strip of white silk, embroidered with tiny stitches along the edge. The pendant of the necklace was a simple, tear-drop shaped, smoothed-over sort of stone, twirled with quartz to produce a sparkle. The colors were a swirly blend of emerald and mint.

Lily ran her thumb over the smooth stone and looked at James, in awe.

"You didn't…You shouldn't. I've never been nice to you," was all that came out of her constricted mouth.

He looked a little confused, and surprised at the same time. He tilted his head again, and furrowed his eyebrows, looking hesitant. Lily looked down at the pendant again, and held it in her palm. It was strangely warm. Her eyes burned hot, and she forced herself to speak.

"Why?" she asked thickly, quietly. James stepped forward and unfolded her fingers, pressing the pendant into her palm. She noticed its warmth more prominently this time, as he touched it more to her skin.

"It will help," he said, looking up to see if she was listening. She swallowed and watched him, waiting. "A family friend, Zafrina, handcrafts them from quartz and opal. The string seems fragile, but it can only be untied by the owner, and the giver. The pendent, when you're wearing it, is always warm. It's a medicinal charm that soothes." He explained, stepping back.

Lily looked at him searchingly, silently.

"It will help," he said again, his voice rough. His eyes dulled a little, and he looked upset, not at her, but internally. Lily realized what he was trying to do. _It soothes_. For Hogwarts. It was for when she went back…but the trouble he'd gone through. Handcrafted? At least he hadn't spent money. _Arrogant. Toerag. Arse_. She swallowed hard again and regretted everything she'd called him.

"Thank you," she forced out hoarsely, putting the box down on the bed next to her. She turned from him, lifting the strings up, and tied it securely around her neck, so it rested at the hollow in the base of her throat lightly. The effect was immediate; her blood was warmed.

She stayed where she was stationary, staring at an alcove in his room where a desk was set up, staring at a bulletin board above the desk that had a mass of things tacked or stuck on it magically. She brought her hand up to cover her mouth pressing the back of her fingers against her lips, feeling sick and relieved and angry at the same time.

She couldn't even hold it anymore.

"Do you ever think about that night?" she asked shakily into the silence, a catch in her voice. She blinked her eyes rapidly. It didn't matter, that always made tears fall faster. "Do you…remember…do you see it…I have nightmares about _it_," she ended in a whisper, not even sure if he was listening to her anymore.

She didn't even know why she'd brought it up, why she was dredging it all up right in front of him, with him so close, with his thoughtful gift around her neck—when all this time she'd been afraid for him to look at her, fearing he would remember and loathe to have him do so. Maybe it was because she was back in a world where things felt comfortable, when nothing back home felt comfortable. Perhaps it was because, he being someone who had been there, he knew exactly the aesthetic trauma that was there…though on an exponentially lower level. She squeezed her eyes shut, moving her hand down from her mouth to the necklace, touching her fingers to it.

"I can't sleep anymore," there was no hiding the anguish, the tears in her voice now and she just stopped trying, she let her words shake and her shoulders tremble, "Sometimes I can't _breathe_,"

His hand alighted on her shoulder, nestling under the bundle of curls thrown sideways. She turned around the opposite way so that arm wrapped around her shoulders; she didn't look at him but down, her vision blurry and crystallized with tears. She just stood in front of him, letting him look at her. Vulnerability. Weakness. It felt so hateful and yet so _good_ to show some. She was reminded, in a sharp, vivid flashback, of the forbidden night, of a scene which before had been nothing bad a blur of screams and crimson color…he knelt down, he touched her shoulder gently…_He's gone, Lily, he's gone_…she remembered that—_him_—now. So brightly, so clearly.

"Sometimes…I'm scared. I'm _always scared_," her voice shattered like glass and she broke into real crying, her fingers pressing reflexively against the pendant. Heat sank into her skin, but she shivered anyway, desensitized images and words flashing through her head.

James had put his other hand on her shoulder while she spoke; he moved it around to her back and lifted his head up, pulling her a little closer. Lily closed her eyes tightly, blocking out all sight, all color, and pressed her forehead against his shoulder, shaking her head back and forth.

"I think about it," James said, and his voice sounded so far away and mechanical and disconnected—she didn't know if that was her, or the way he was actually speaking. "Not like you do," he stopped again, "Never like you do…will," he corrected, his voice softer than ever, "There aren't even words…for the _rage_…" stop again, and Lily touched his shoulder with one hand, then touched her cheeks, still feeling the warmth at her throat, staying the flow of tears.

She lifted her head, and didn't look at him. She pulled back, still close, and looked away, back towards the bedside table, the wall. She pulled her hand up to her face now, and thrust the base of her palm under her eyes. No doubt her make-up was demolished. James stepped back and looked at her, sliding his arm from around her shoulders and instead holding one shoulder firmly, and lightly, at the same time.

"Things are _different_ now," was all he said, implying the entire world in his sentence. He implied pain and suffering, and new beginnings, and everything, just everything. There was almost no other word for the weight his sentiment carried. There was a shielded look, a frustrated look, on his face. She got the feeling it was directed at her, but she wasn't intimidated by it. His hand was warm, his stance was protective. She was already skittish of her outpouring of emotion. She wasn't sure if she regretted it or not.

"We're different," he said, and his eyes too such a sad, anguished look that she didn't know what to say to him, or how to respond, except to feel comforted. He hadn't told her it was okay, or that she was fine, or that he would fix it. He was just as bitter. Turned upside down. Haunted and confused and upset. He showed her what Susanna and Sirius and Andromeda, what they were feeling, how they all had no idea to cope with it, how they all rode the ride of mood swings and hysterics and lack of knowing any etiquette. And now—instead of the falling, dropping fast, hopeless feeling that had all but consumed her in the past months—she felt as if someone had reached into the black hole and grabbed her hand. Anchored her to the side of the ship.

He couldn't fix her. They couldn't fix her. No one could ever change it. It wouldn't be better, it would never go away, and it would always haunt and jump out in the dark and horrify. It would leave a mark too deep to ever heel.

Lily bit her lip and looked at him, just soft, hurt eyes looking to another cracked soul for answers. He had no to answer her questions. It was likewise.

It was almost as if there was no party. Who could be having a party…what was there to celebrate? They had to go back before someone came looking, and she became the focus of the concerned adults, of her skittish mother. But she couldn't move, she couldn't go. She wanted to freeze in these horrific moments and this pool of decimation and stand paralyzed, drugging herself with it, drinking in the catharsis like wine.

Catharsis. It was the essence of what was needed to move forward…because here and now she had realized what a dead end she was at, what a roadblock she was barreling into.

She looked at him again, swallowing, her shoulders trembling again ever so slightly. He shook his head, his lips moving, she didn't hear what he said.

No, they couldn't fix her. No one could fix her. She just couldn't be fixed.

But she could rise from the ashes, she could be healed, and she could be cleansed.

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**A/N: **All right, darling readers, so what's the verdic? Do tell dearies, and virtual christmas presents will be given to all in the form of a ver shirtless, very love-hungry James Potter (oh yes, I'm a ruthelss briber :D)

It's back to Hogwarts next chapter. I'm thinking of taking a two or three week jump into her being back. Though that's not COMPLETELY decided yet, it's about 80%. Anyway, that's just a forewarning. OH, and I almost forgot!

**FACT: **You may not have noticed, but all fifteen chapters so far of the sort of "part one" have been titled with Alanis Morissette songs, because I find her a very harsh, biting person with very strong emotions, and a sort of violent yet deep way of writing/singing. It was deemed appropriate. I'm not positive the next "part" will be Alanis songs, as she doesn't apply so much anymore. We'll see :)


	16. While Easy Sleeps Away

**A/N: **Hello, All! Oui, I return, and I know--I did not come through. I promised a faster update and, alas, failed you. This update actually went on longer than I thought it would. I have the next few updates sketched out, but not written, and I am trying to focus my attention on another long-term story I've regretfully neglected since I started 'Paradise'. Never fear, though, I will not cease the continuation of this story...I love it much too much. I'd like to take a moment to thank my beta for this update, **royalpinkdogs**, she's a lovely, lovely person who betas my aforementioned other story--and does a smashing job. Hopefully all those little mistakes you correct me on will be non-existent ;) I left a few hidden references in here, just for the close watchers. Please, Enjoy.

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Chapter Sixteen: While Easy Sleeps Away

Lily resolutely ignored the stares as she followed James down the grand staircase, struggling to keep up as he veered past the great hall and towards the huge entrance of the school. She kept her eyes straight on his back, except once or twice to take a quick glance just to see who it was looking at her. This time, okay; just a few Hufflepuff underclassmen and two Ravenclaws in her year. She swallowed and continued walking, tightening one of her leather gloves subconsciously.

He had dragged her out of their dorm, away from the piles of homework she had, both the work she'd been given and the extra studies as she tried to keep up with what she'd previously missed during her forced _sabbatical_ from school. He was dressed in snow gear, complete with a ridiculous grin, and gave her no choice—he had slammed her book shut, marched her up the stairs to her room, and threatened to charm her in there unless she came out in warm clothing within ten minutes. She'd had no choice but to comply, and she hadn't fought him that much anyway. The schoolwork was breaking her. NEWTS were coming fast, and she was hard-pressed to catch up with everything, keep the new stuff on track, and get a hang of the ridiculous Transfiguration work that was crippling her. As much as she didn't need to be away from her work…it was Saturday, she couldn't concentrate, and she needed to be 'dragged' away from it.

"Lily, come _on_,"

James grunted, already holding the great door open, beckoning impatiently. She looked at him bleakly for a moment, and then walked through the door, instinctively pulling her cloak closer around her against the nippy air.

"Will you tell me where we're going now?" Lily sighed, pulling her scarf up to her nose and burying her face in it. He just grinned goofily again.

"We're going to _relax_," he answered, taking her hand and pulling her with him. He let go suddenly, as if he'd realized what he'd done, flexed his fingers, and kept on walking nonchalantly. She barely noticed as she followed him, glaring suspiciously at his back, a gust of wind whipping her hair rudely into her eyes.

"How are we going to relax in this bloody weather?" Lily demanded bitterly, beginning to regret following him out here on this wild goose chase.

"Er, there's no need to curse, Evans, and be patient." He responded smartly. Lily scowled at his back, trudging through the snow in the path he'd already made with his excited feet. She looked around at the winter land that was Hogwarts, wondering where he was taking them while glancing back over her shoulder at the lighted, once-welcoming school.

She had been back close to four weeks now, with January closing in. She couldn't say it had been easy. Some classes, the routine. That had all come back naturally. She was comforted to return to the sights and smells of Hogwarts, even to the teachers and the long—sometimes grueling—classes that came with NEWTS, but for her it was being back in a world where everything was dear and normal. But there were other things…no one spoke to her at first, beyond the few who she'd seen at James's party and her own friends. People averted their eyes, walked farther away; it was if they were pretending _she_ had never happened at all. Asking someone to pass an ingredient in potions became a dreaded act. And then, halfway through, it had changed from them ignoring her to them staring. Most of them, not cruelly, just shyly, awkwardly, curiously. She knew they were talking like they had about Mary McDonald, and she knew they wanted to know but didn't dare even _think_ of asking _anyone_. She cringed to think she was the fodder for conversation in the dorm rooms at night, as Mary had been for her and Susanna at the beginning of the year. She almost wished they would ask her at times; others she wished they'd go back to ignoring her. Their big, watching eyes, the occasional whisper she caught them sharing about her, they all played with her head and made her think twice and dwell on the image she was giving. They made her even more self-conscious and self-doubting than she was. And the Slytherins…_oh_, the Slytherins were outright vile.

They hissed at her in the great hall. Their taunts were unintelligible, but she could only imagine what they were saying. They whispered loudly to each other as she walked by, degrading and maliciously teasing, making sure she heard them. She stoically ignored them, trying inexpressibly hard not to give them one glimpse of what their words did; she kept her face blank and her eyes elsewhere, ignoring. So…they got louder. They spread rumors to younger kids, most of which were quickly quelled by Alice, who was a sort of mother figure to the little ones. James and Sirius, even Gideon once, had all had detentions already for attacking other students—Sirius for beating the daylights out of one the muggle way. She was afraid they'd jeopardize their graduation prospects, fighting like that, but the one time she mentioned it to James he just clenched his jaw and turned away.

The worst, though, was perhaps some of the relationships that had been strained since she got back. Alice had greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, just as warm and kind as she had always been, and had been so easy to be with—she and Frank both. Gideon was himself, but pre-occupied. He treated her the same as he always had, but seemed to spend a lot of time with Fabian and the Ravenclaws, as if he was 'damage control' for her. Andromeda was Andromeda, and Lily loved her for it. They were dealing as Lily was dealing and most of them in the best way possible.

It was Sasha who hurt the most. She didn't do a thing intentionally. She was so different, and so much the same. She had come to meet Lily with Andy, just as bright and charming as always, just as fun-loving and carefree. Yet she wasn't around much anymore; she tended to sit apart from them more often, or work with other friends in classes. There was an apologetic smile and that sad shrug she affected, and then when she was with Lily she was upbeat and happy, telling Lily not to dwell on anything, and reminding her that the past was over now. And it all seemed so wrong to Lily. Like Sasha had just ignored that anything had happened and was blowing it off as nothing, trying to make it a rumor. And Lily didn't think she could get through if she didn't come to terms with it…Sasha couldn't come to terms with it. They could hardly keep a conversation anymore.

"Lily…er, Lily?"

Lily looked away from whatever she had been staring at so intently, blinking her eyes a few times to focus her vision. She licked her lips and half-smiled, swallowing a lump in her throat.

"Mmmhmm?" she responded neutrally, not sure if she should trust her voice or not. James grinned when she responded and turned around, bending over. Lily lifted an eyebrow and really paid attention now, just then realizing that they were stopped in front of a brown shed by the Quidditch pitch. James turned around, holding two broomsticks, his eyes glinting mischievously.

He jerked his chin towards the pitch and took off determinedly again; Lily followed with a little sigh. She didn't know what he had in his head, with those brooms, but she had a funny feeling she really shouldn't have agreed to come with him after all. He stopped in the middle of the pitch and turned, white teeth flashing, and with a flourish presented her with one of the well-groomed broomsticks.

"What's that?" Lily asked dumbly, instantly regretting she said it. James smiled gleefully, his eyes sparkling with the snotty comment she knew was coming at her expense.

"_That_ is a broomstick, Lily, it is a wizarding mechanism that flies."

"I mean…_agh_," Lily protested, rolling her eyes. She glared at him. He laughed. "I mean what are you doing with it?" at that, James's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline, he was so gleeful.

"You're going to fly it," he announced matter-of-factly.

She stared at him, one eyebrow quirked disbelievingly. She took a step back from him, holding her hands up negatively and shaking her head. She smirked a little and looked up at him, waiting for the punch line. He just nodded benignly and jiggled it at her, tapping his foot in the mushy snow.

"No, I am not." Lily said, shaking her head resolutely. She looked at the broom with distrust.

James immediately molded his face into a magnificent pout.

"It'll be fun. Besides, you came all the way out here. And you have no choice. I have a wand, you don't."

"What're you—Potter!" Lily groped in her pockets for her wand and came up empty handed, glaring at him. He lifted hers out of his pocket and raised one eyebrow, twirling theirs together expertly. Lily bit her lip, and gave the broom another dirty look.

"I can't _fly_! You're…I'm _not_ doing this." She snapped, shaking her head. She was a little piqued at him for this; she didn't know if he was trying to embarrass her or playing a joke or something. They'd had one flying lesson first year and Lily had had to secretly bewitch the broom to get it to pop into her hand. It was the first time the marauders had taken notice of her, when her broom had completely ignored any order she gave it. She didn't know if he remembered these stupid objects being the reason they tormented her for seven years of her life.

A flicker of doubt and guilt crossed James's face in a split second; apparently he did suddenly recall that. Lily stepped up and snatched her wand, not smiling, turning, but he took her shoulder gently.

"Just…Look, I came out here after they questioned me in front of you, remember? It's different up there, Lily. Like nothing can touch you. Believe me?" he said, his eyes pleading.

Lily swallowed again, turning back to him and relaxing her shoulder out of his grip. She saw he wasn't playing around with her; he was trying to be thoughtful. She shook her head a little, looking at the broom yet again with distaste. Why this? It felt like he was trying to show her up or something, make himself feel better and not her.

"Try it?" he asked after a moment of her silence. Lily sighed and looked away, still shaking her head. She bit her lip and smiled a little, finally reaching out and taking the broom with some semblance of grudge in her eyes. James nodded.

"Drop it," he said, and Lily followed his orders. It stopped and hovered at her thigh, complacent and innocent, and she looked at it, surprised. James let his own fall next to his knees and he mounted it, pulling it up easily and looking down at her. She looked up at him and down at the broom, resisting the urge to groan. She touched her hand to the sleek wood of the broom and pushed on it gently, as if testing its temperament.

"It's not going to buck or something—"

"Get on the broom, Lily," he interrupted, rolling his eyes. Lily scowled at him and tucked her hair behind her ears, sitting on the broom gingerly, testing her weight on it. It held her easily, and drifted upwards slightly. Lily squealed and grabbed it tightly, leaning forward and stiffening her arms at an angle between her and the broom to hold on. James's laughter reached her ears. She looked up and glared at him, gritting her teeth.

"Why the hell are you making me do this?" she asked sharply. He frowned at her again, and edged his broom down.

"Here," he said, holding out his hand. She looked at it suspiciously and didn't move, pressing her lips together uncomfortable. The last thing she wanted to do was let go of the broom handle and put her life in the hands of James Potter. Reluctantly, after he poked her in the shoulder with it, she grabbed his wrist. He rolled his eyes and shifted his hand into hers, pulling her up at least seven feet into the hair with him. She looked down, her eyes wide and terrified, and then squeezed them shut, shaking her head furiously. He pulled them a little higher and her eyes flew open:

"Stop _now_," she ordered, panic edging into her voice. She didn't like heights, she had never liked them. It was why she had never been too distressed about her inability to master the broom. She felt trapped up here, like she couldn't move—no, she literally could not move without fear of falling to her death, and it doubled the claustrophobic trapped feeling. She took a shuddering breath, trying to ignore it, and looked at James, trying to muster some anger, but instead just sort of gasping at him.

"I'm going to let go of your hand. You're not going to fall, I _swear_. Just don't have a fit or anything, got it?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lily, keeping her eyes focused at a point over his head, nodded. She felt the pressure of his hand leave hers and she didn't move beyond taking a deep breath and shifting her eyes so she could see his face instead of the darkening sky behind him. He was smiling. He pulled his broom up and circled around her; she managed to turn the broom involuntarily to meet him at another point, and reacted by screaming loudly and dropping forward on the broom—which had the effect of causing it to shoot forward, wind whipping all her hair out behind her.

She felt the breath whoosh out of her and she gasped, squeezing her eyes shut. In the next moment she thought better of it and jerked them open, at the same time instinctively forcing herself to sit up and sticking out her right foot. The broom stopped lazily and drifted…James was already in front of her, his arms crossed, watching her uneasily, as if he was waiting for her to unleash her wrath on him. Lily succeeded, in the next moment, in shocking them both.

She laughed. Hysterically.

James, hesitant for a moment, laughed. He apparently had decided he wasn't in danger of her anger anymore and zoomed up closer, a peaceful look on his face. Lily reached up and covered her mouth, her other hand still taking a death grip to the broomstick, giggling into her palm.

"I don't understand how this calms you down," she managed to choke out, her eyes stinging from the cold wind. He shrugged his shoulders and his smiled faltered a little; he looked over his shoulder at the school and back at her, running his hand through his mass of hair.

"Because when I'm up here…everything else is down there. And everyone else." He shrugged again, and rocked on his broom. "It's simple."

Lily surveyed his face closely, pushing hair behind her ears again. She pursed her lips and mashed them together, already feeling how chapped they were. She tilted her head to the side and looked back over the pitch to the school, it suddenly occurring to her that they were not allowed to be out here. More rules broken and the head boy and head girl were the perpetrators.

Sometimes, she hardly recognized herself.

"See?" she heard him say quietly. She didn't turn to look at him, but perked up her ears to what he was saying. "Up here you can't hear them. I figured you needed to get away from that. I…I heard. Well, Susanna told me. What Victoriana said." He was saying, mumbling, as if she was going to rip his throat out. She didn't have the energy. She just wished there wasn't a reason for him to have to say anything, to feel like he needed to comfort her.

"It doesn't matter," she answered quietly, shaking her head as her knuckles turned white from gripping the broom. She would have had a million splinters now, if it wasn't so well taken care of. Lily had ignored Victoriana Crabbe, when she and Susanna had run into her outside of the girls' bathroom on the fourth floor. Susanna had slapped her, but it was exactly what the other girl had wanted. She'd just raised her eyebrow at Susanna with a gleeful smirk and cut another insult to Lily over her shoulder as she walked away. Lily hadn't spoken to Susanna for a while; she'd just immersed herself in her homework while Susanna did hers in silence as well.

"It doesn't matter to _me_. What they say," James said, his voice a little flippant, like he was sick of the gravity of their conversations. Lily smiled to herself, getting the meaning of his words. He knew how much it mattered to her. All of them knew how much it really mattered to her, even when she quietly maintained that it did not. "Anyway, I was right, wasn't I? It feels like no one can touch you up here."

Lily turned around to him again, raising an eyebrow, lifting her spirits a little.

"James…_Potter_…I'm scared to death I'm going to fall. This is the most stressful relaxation—"

"No," James interrupted, shaking his head with a sly smile, "You _were_ scared of falling. And flying. Even though," he corrected, placating when she started to scowl, "you say you're not. What about now?" he asked, pulling up his broom.

Lily looked up after him, considering that a challenge. She pulled her broom up to meet him, glancing down the dizzying height of more than fifteen feet to the marked grass of the floor of the Quidditch pitch. She pulled the broom to the right, and wobbled a little, but kept her calm and was able to steady it without more than a sharp intake as breath.

"It's not so bad," she said flippantly, waving a hand. The broom shuddered, and she quickly gripped it with both hands again, a sheepish smile on her lips. James laughed.

"All it is now is a fear you were stronger than." He said, shrugging lightly. Lily tilted her head at him again, shaking it disbelievingly. He continued to surprise her, coming out with all these random personality nuances that she'd never seen before. James grinned at her again and beckoned with his hand, zooming over to a high seating booth on the Hufflepuff side and alighting from his broom easily. Lily inched hers over after him and hovered above the seats, taking direction from James on how to get hers to get lower. She managed to get close enough to a seat to step down on it, but James had to leap up and grab the broom before it could zip off while Lily just concentrated on keeping her balance on her two feet. He adjusted the brooms in his grip and started off down the steps.

Lily watched him quizzically for a moment and then hopped off the chair, taking the stairs quickly to catch up with him.

"Er…why didn't we fly to the bottom?" she asked, running her hand along the protective railing as she looked down the mass of stairs before them. James shrugged, his back to her, and looked over his shoulder, flashing a smile.

"Just to waste time," he said cryptically. Lily raised an eyebrow and kept walking, stopping after a moment suspiciously. She opened her mouth and closed it again, staring at his back, and then started walking slowly, running through scenarios in her mind.

"_Lily! We're going outside!"_

"_Why? It's cold."_

"_Get warm clothes and come on. Won't take no for an answer."_

"_I don't…no."_

"_Li-ly, just do it. Cooperate. Or I'll drag you…"_

James reached the bottom of the pitch before and looked back at her, putting his hand to his eyes and squinting. He waited for her, and stepped back a little when he saw the calculating look on her face.

"Er…what?" he asked, sounding a little nervous.

"What are we really doing out here? At dusk? In the freezing cold?"

"Enjoying each other's company!" James answered, spreading his arms wide, and grinning hopefully. His smile faded a little when she didn't budge and he re-assessed his answer. "We're making all our worries go away?"

Lily raised an eyebrow at him and walked past. He followed her briskly after a moment, the brooms' bristles dragging in the snow behind him. She didn't say anything and waited until they were back at the broom shed. He went in and replaced the brooms in their proper homes, coming out and making sure to lock the shed behind him. He looked sheepish again, and smiled a little before starting back towards the castle, level with her.

"Am I being distracted from something?" Lily asked quietly, thinking back through the day. The incident with Victoriana was the biggest thing she could think of…but then again, it suddenly occurred to her that he could be distracting her from something he knew was going on at dinner, or some rumor…she glanced at him, biting her lip. He was looking at her, and darted his eyes away instantly when she looked, affecting a careless look.

"Look, James…just tell me. I like to at least be prepared for what they're saying." She said dully, looking straight again, reaching up to her neck. She touched her finger against the silken ribbon there, and swallowed.

James looked over at her, coming to a stop at the castle doors, as if noticing her for the first time, and looked appalled, shaking his head in protest.

"We're not—er, _I'm_ not hiding anything like that from you. I wouldn't do that." He said, fumbling for words at the beginning. He opened the doors and ushered Lily in, glancing around carefully to make sure they wouldn't be caught, obviously hoping she would drop it.

She'd heard his involuntary use of 'we' though, and she was suspicious again, rubbing her hands together as they went back up the stairs. He glanced at her and smiled innocently, running his fingers through his messy hair again. Lily squared her back and followed him at a distance, not wanting to look like they were together.

She couldn't tell if he was lying or not. He didn't seem like he was, and he also didn't seem like the one of her friends who would deliberately keep her in the dark about a rumor or an action, him being one to prefer her being prepared to face it instead of shocked with whatever _it_ was in the first place. She looked around at the portraits on the walls, rubbing her arms unconsciously, chewing her chapped lips again. She thought back to what he'd said in the air. _All it is now is a fear you're stronger than._

She'd received a taste of how what he and Sirius were always going on about, how great it was to fly. It was terrifying, no doubt, and she felt ridiculous. But it was exhilarating and it was something she was in control of, how high or fast she could go to push her limits. She wished she'd had the guts to try something like a nose-dive, or make him show her how to swing the bats a little. Wouldn't that be a way to get some emotion out? She saw why he loved it. And she appreciated that he'd gotten her out there. He'd had a good moral to the story, anyhow. But now she was just back to where she had been, wondering what was going on behind her back.

She sighed, something she seemed to be doing increasingly frequently lately.

James stopped in front of her and she slammed into him, having been paying absolutely no attention to his movement or where he was going. He grunted and looked over his shoulder, raising his eyebrow. Lily bit her lip and shrugged apologetically, shrugging herself. She glanced past him, and found they were back at their dorm; she raised her eyebrows. How had she missed walking up three flights of stairs? She was still trying to figure it out, as she ducked after him through the gargoyle-stone entrance, when a crowd of voices shouted into her reverie:

"SURPRISE!"

Lily widened her eyes and stared at the common area, even more caught off guard this time. At least ten faces beamed out at her; James sprinted to the front of them and took a bow, gesturing around eagerly. Lily raised her eyes to the banners and streamers, taking in the balloons, and then the abundance of food on the table, and finally the presents in a pile on the table.

"Um," she said, "What's the occasion?" she asked a little light-heartedly, furrowing her eyebrows, starting to relax and be amused. She wasn't exactly fond of the fact that she'd just been expected to be excited about an ambush of yelling. See, she wasn't exactly comfortable with people jumping out at her _just yet_.

"Your _birthday_, Lils," Lily's eyes immediately locked on Sirius, already pouncing on the food, anticipating the smart ass remark about to leave his lips. "You know, the day you graced the world with your presence? Ring any bells?"

He grinned at her, and winked, a few bread crumbs falling out of his mouth from the large amount he'd shoved in there. Lily couldn't help but smile a little. She uncrossed her arms and moved into the room more cozily, looking around. She hadn't even been thinking about her eighteenth birthday—in fact, it was safe to say she probably would have forgotten it all together, and yet here they were, remembering for her. Susanna looked at her with a quirked eyebrow and held out a fizzing bottle with a bow tied around the neck.

"Now that we're all of age," she said slyly, exposing the label to Lily. _Ogden's Old Firewhiskey._

"Where did you…How?" Lily stammered, looking again at the food, which she now realized was a combination of Hogwart's best and Honeyduke's delights. Susanna gave a mysterious nod to James, who again, gave a flourishing bow.

"We have connections," he said with a wink, thumbing back and forth between himself and Sirius. Sirius nodded vigorously. Susanna was rolling her eyes as Lily turned back to her, and took the bottle hesitantly. She looked around, taking in who was there. Gideon, Frank, Alice, Andromeda, Remus, even Ted Tonks. No Sasha. Lily's eyes met Susanna, and Susanna knew her friend had noted the absence of their mutual friend. Her eyes hardened and she just shrugged. Lily held up the bottle.

"Cheers, then." She said amiably, causing Susanna to flash a characteristic smirk and Andromeda to shriek with disbelief from her place standing on the sofa. She leapt over the back and hugged Lily.

"Good sport, Lily!" she cried, taking the bottle and prancing over to the table, pouring it into little crystal glasses. Lily wrinkled her nose a little at the sweet, spicy odour of the drink as it wafted through the air. She relaxed again in the warm atmosphere of the common room, soaking up the fire, letting out some tension after the day. So the broom excursion had been a distraction for the party. But why…?

"Suze," Lily started, coking her head to the side a little, "Why didn't you distract me with studies or something? Instead of Potter?" she asked curiously, looking at him briefly. He was talking to Gideon about something, his brow furrowed a little. Susanna snorted.

"He said he had a _better_ _way_. Something about being able to take your mind off of things in a way I wouldn't understand…like I don't _understand_ you, Lily. Why? Was he a prat?" Susanna asked suspiciously at the end, glaring daggers at James. Lily smiled a half-smile and shook her head.

"No it was…interesting." Lily corrected quickly, realizing she'd almost said fun. She ran the sentence through her head again. 'Fun'. 'Potter'. No, these words did not coincide. She wouldn't dare use them together in front of Susanna. Susanna scowled a little.

"I keep telling him to back off." She muttered, annoyance laced in her impatient voice. Lily frowned a little.

"Leave him be, he's fine. He's not doing anything wrong, Susanna." She admonished, slightly sharply. Susanna looked back at her with dark eyes, her lips turned down just a little at the corners. Lily looked back neutrally, not at all trying to start something with her best friend. She'd just noticed a sort of protectiveness in Susanna that was starting to drive her a little mad. It wasn't blatant or forward, yet, it was just those little comments like 'I'm telling him to back off'. She felt like Susanna was coddling her; she almost was reminded of her mother and the way Lisabeth had shielded Lily's eyes and ears from any sort of harmful words at home. She knew Susanna was just reacting naturally, but it nagged at her. She let it go, though, and let Susanna's gaze go, when Alice came up, holding out a crystal glass to Lily and smiling sweetly.

Lily took the glass, a little surprised to see that Alice had allowed herself a glass of firewhiskey, as she was usually even more conservative than Lily in most aspects. Lily didn't say a word though; times changed, and she knew it best.

"Happy Birthday, Lily," Alice said breezily, holding up her glass. She took a sip and licked her lips, wrinkling her nose at the taste. Lily laughed, and brought her own glass to her lips. Close up, the drink burned her nose even more. She took a swallow and flinched at the burn in her throat, getting a snort from Susanna and a giggle from Alice. Her throat tingled in the aftermath, and she felt a soothing warmth in her head. She raised her eyebrows at the glass, and looked back up at Alice.

"Takes an edge off, doesn't it?" she asked swiftly, lifting an eyebrow. Susanna let a real smile spread across her face and laughed shortly, her eyes bright. Andromeda danced over to them, raven black hair fanning all over the place, and licked her index finger. Lily noticed her long, manicured nails were coated in onyx black polish, and she had a red and purple striped sock sticking out from her shoes.

"Nice socks, Andy," she said, gesturing to the sock. Andromeda's eyes lit up and she pulled her robe back, exposing the socks fully, to where they were pulled up to her knees, and revealing a plastic necklace with pink hippos adorning it. Lily crinkled her forehead. Susanna gave her a look from behind Andromeda and raised her eyes to the ceiling; Alice tilted her head and furrowed her eyebrows. Andromeda's display of fashion caught Remus's attention and he looked over, his eyebrows arched.

"Muggle Television," Andromeda said cryptically, her eyes sparkling. "You should see the stuff they come up with, Lil, it's _mad_. Ted made me watch with 'im." She explained, pointing at her scrawny, sandy-haired boyfriend. "Oy! TED." She bellowed, much louder than necessary. He came at her call, a friendly smile on his face.

"Andromeda, you're a riot," Alice said, shaking her head affectionately. Ted wished Lily happy birthday and gave her a light side-hug; she noticed he was more comfortable around people than he used to be. Perhaps it came from keeping up with someone as rambunctious and utterly ridiculous as Andromeda Black. Andromeda wrapped her arms around Ted's neck and pressed her cheek against his, causing him to blush furiously. Well, perhaps he was the same old Ted.

"You love me," she said, sing-song like, "Isn't that right, Special Agent Tonks?" she asked, pressing her nose against his face. Ted mumbled something and grinned, turning to her and kissing her lips before waving her off. Andromeda laughed as he trotted back over to Remus, and looked after him briefly, her eyes softer. Lily watched her easily, noticing how much Andromeda really cared for Ted. She caught a flicker of something different in Andy's eyes, and for a moment a shadow seemed to pass over the other girl's face. Lily pursed her lips, and reached out to touch Andromeda's arm. Andromeda just smiled again, and took Lily's arm in return, marching her over to the center of the room. She snatched something from a couch behind Frank, and Lily found herself being forced into a frilly party hat.

"All right, missy, now you're the center of attention," Andromeda announced with a grandiose flourish, slinging her arm around Lily's shoulder and grinning wildly, holding up a glass. She touched her forehead to Lily's cheek and giggled, waiting until everyone's attention was on the two girls in the middle, tapping her foot impatiently. Lily looked around warily, making eye contact with Alice, who was looking extremely apologetic—and very glad it was Lily and not her in the middle of the room.

"Sing!"

Lily groaned and tried to jerk out of Andromeda's grasp, but Andy dug her nails into Lily's shoulder and giggled, raising her voice above everyone else's, singing purposely off key. Lily's cheeks flushed instantly and she fluttered her eye lids, struggling meekly again, and allowing herself a smile. Warmth tingled through her to her finger tips, and she found herself able to look up and smile, genuinely and naturally, for the first time in a few weeks now. She glanced across the room at Sirius, who was yelling in a very deep, pompous voice the birthday lyrics, and James, who was trying to get Sirius off the table so he wouldn't trample the food. Lily giggled and smiled, shaking her hair back. Andromeda shrieked and was the last holding a note when the song was finished, and she squeezed Lily's shoulders tightly.

"I missed you, Lil," she whispered, sounding a little shaky, smiling when Lily turned to her a little. She just shook her head at the inquiring look in her friend's eye and held up her glass, to which Lily hesitantly toasted her own, again feeling like Andromeda was upset.

"Evans, I have purchased you a gift!" Sirius announced loudly from atop the table, cupping his palms around his mouth like a trumpet, and then propping his hands gallantly on his hips. Lily raised an eyebrow skeptically, and glanced to Susanna, curious. Susanna looked, if possible, frightened at the idea. But not so much in a 'horror' way as an 'amused' way. Lily disentangled herself from Andromeda a little and tugged at her scarf, the warmth of the room starting to really work on her. She slipped off her robe and threw it with the others in the corner, leaving herself comfortable in her school skirt and oxford. Sirius had disappeared from the table and bounded into James's room, and in the few moments she waited for him to return with this gift of his, Susanna was at her side, looking questioning. She touched the necklace at Lily's throat, eyebrows raised.

"Pretty," she complimented, giving her half-smile and releasing it, looking up at Lily. "I've never seen it before." She added. Andromeda craned her neck to see what the conversation was about, and she nodded with approval. Lily pressed her lips together, seeing the unspoken question in their eyes.

"Potter gave it to me," she relented, "for Christmas."

"That boy has it bad," Andromeda said matter-of-factly, squinting and nodding goofily at Lily, casually wandering off to start a conversation with Frank and Ted. Susanna lifted a penciled eyebrow even higher into her strawberry-dark hair, lowering her voice.

"You need to be careful of him, Lily." She said blankly, her eyes guarded. Lily tilted her head at Susanna, knitting her eyebrows together. "Of his…_intentions_."

Lily pursed her lips, pushed a little further than just perturbed now. She flicked her eyes to James over Susanna's shoulder; he was kicking the door of his room, snapping at Sirius. Her eyes focused back on Susanna's.

"He's been a good friend to me, Suze," Lily said slowly, trying to keep her voice civil and her face neutral, so as not to draw attention from anyone else. "I don't understand this, this _attitude_ you have towards him, like he's some dangerous animal." She continued, sincerely concerned about Susanna's motives. It was one of the things that had been getting to her about Susanna's reactions, the way she seemed to babysit and hawkishly _monitor_ Sirius and James when they were around Lily.

"You think just because you…because things are different now, he just doesn't feel the same way he always has about you?" Susanna asked a little more harshly, quieter even than she had been. Lily swallowed, waiting for the rest. "You're vulnerable. He's there. He's the knight in shining armor; you—he could take—"

"Stop," Lily interrupted softly, seeing the door start to open beyond James and wanting to cut her best friend off before Sirius came out and the attention was back on the center of the room. "He has done _nothing_ to deserve this. He's a friend now, and a damn good one. And you, Susanna, should know me well enough to realize I won't fall into his arms just because he's _there_. He's still James Potter, and he's still a toerag. He's just a decent one. I was raped; I wasn't brainwashed."

Susanna bit her lip and nodded, her eyes taking on a different look, an impressed look. Lily pressed her lips together and nodded in return, her hand coming up to touch the pendant at the base of her throat, running her fingertip over the smooth rock of the oval. She let the corners of her mouth turn up a little and was completely composed; blocking whatever nagging was left after Susanna's warnings in the very back of her mind. Sirius bounded into the middle of the room, in front of the fire, and pulled from behind his back a giant balloon with the number '18' emblazoned on it. When he presented it to Lily, it instantly began to wail 'Happy Birthday' obnoxiously—in numerous different languages, she found out.

"Like it?" Sirius screeched over the din of the singing balloon, as Lily held it away from her, laughing, with incredulous and sparkling eyes. She glanced around the room at her friends, a few who looked terrified and a few who looked highly entertained, thanking them all silently with her eyes. "It shuts up if you hold a needle close to it, see, here—"

A loud _POP_ echoed across the room, followed by utter silence other than the crackling of the fire. The remnants of Lily's singing balloon floated to the floor sadly, and Lily bit her lip, holding back laughter, as Sirius's face took on a positively horrified look. He stared at the needle in his fingers.

"No! DAMMIT! You betrayed me!" he shrieked at the needle. Lily covered her mouth with her hand and shook with laughter, making sure to move his needle-hand out of the way before slipping her arms around him in the friendliest gesture she'd ever bestowed on Sirius Black. She kissed his cheek as she pulled away.

"It was a nice thought," she said, giggling still.

"Aww, _shucks_, miss," was Sirius's reply. Andromeda cleared her throat loudly from across the room, where she was now wearing a police cap that was nestled over two long black pig-tails.

"You do have others, you know." She announced, gesturing at a table of brightly wrapped gifts.

--------------------

Lily crashed down on her bed, wrapped in a fluffy yellow bathrobe with her hair thrown up in messy disarray, feeling comfortable and relaxed. She scooted against her headboard and curled up, snuggling back into the pillows, the pendant part of her necklace pressed in her palm and warming her skin there. Andromeda, stripped down to a colorful tank top she'd had under her oxford and a pair of pajama pants stolen from Lily (rolled up to make room for her outrageously striped/colored socks), flicked her wand to lock the door and flopped down on the edge of the bed. She lifted her upper body up, folding her arms and kicking her legs up, crossing them in the air. Her pigtails, drooping now, fell down her shoulders, and Lily pursed her lips, about to speak.

"The adoring crowds have retired for the night. I believe I can spare some of my invaluable time for you," she quipped in a pompous tone, raising her eyebrows haughtily. Andromeda responded with a bright smile, and Lily again deciphered a glint of the unrest she'd seen before, at the party, in Andromeda's dark eyes. She tilted her head and continued, less teasingly. "Who's this 'shocking gossip' about that you've been itching to tell me?"

Andromeda smiled again and raised a thin eyebrow, her look mysteriously amused. Lily applauded her in her composure. She glanced toward the door, half expecting Susanna to appear, smack Andromeda on the back of the head, and spout off her practical views about gossiping and what-not. But Susanna was elsewhere, Lily had lost sight of her in the midst of cleaning up and sneaking certain seventh years back to Gryffindor tower…and Andromeda was here, aching to relieve some 'juicy' gossip. Or, so she had told Lily in a conspiratorial whisper.

"Me," Andromeda's voice, tinted with sarcasm and amusement, brought Lily's full attention back, and she tilted her head, her eyebrows knitting together. Andromeda raised her own eyebrow and nodded, fueling the interest in Lily's eyes. She smirked.

"I know you were expecting to hear that Carina Shmellhoff is pregnant or Professor Vector really is sleeping with Jethro McGee, but alas, the gossip is simply about yours very truly, me, myself, and I."

Lily laughed a little at Andromeda's drama, but she straightened up a lot, affecting a position that conveyed her full attention to Andromeda. Andromeda adjusted her head and laid her wand down on the bed next to her, chewing habitually on her lip.

"What is it, Andy?" she asked, still lightly. Andromeda sighed. She sat up, languidly crossing her legs into a triangle and leaning forward a little, running her fingers into the fabric of her socks and rolling her shoulders. She looked up at Lily, smirk still intact, eye contact steady.

"Bellatrix left school," she started steadily. "And I'm next," she added, in the manner of telling someone she wanted salt on her steak instead of pepper. Lily's thoughts slammed to a stop and she stared at the other girl, her lips parted slightly. She hadn't been prepared for anything like that; she had assumed the 'gossip' was more in the league of Susanna and Sirius, as Andromeda had wanted to tell her alone and all other times Susanna was in on their secret conversations. Lily noticed Andromeda waiting for some kind of response and she pursed her lips, swallowing.

"Andromeda, why--?"

"Oh, it's not by _choice_. Bella hopped on the first train home after Alecto and Amycus dropped out, ranting on about the deterioration of class in this school and singing the praises of the Dark Lord, and she was—of course!—patted lovingly on the shoulder by my _sweet_ parents…"

Andromeda stopped talking and rolled her eyes, shaking her head, her face tightened as it always was when she talked about her strained relations at home, when she got angry about the old-timey pure-blooded thinking of her parents and general family. She looked at Lily again, her eyes a little moist, as she finished:

"The twisted _bitch_ spun the details of what happened so much you can't find a damn grain of truth, and on top of that Narcissa dropped the ball on Ted. Bellatrix has gone _mad_ over this sick supremacist doctrine, my mother just cares that we all marry good pure blood men—so, naturally, she flipped her lid over Ted—and Daddy's set on pulling me from Hogwarts, something about 'forcing me to see what I've apparently gone blind to'."

Andromeda laughed sardonically and twirled the edge of a pigtail around her index finger, licking her lips. She rolled her eyes again. Lily just swallowed hard, knowing that Andromeda was probably minutes away from losing it.

"They want you to finish your schooling, Andy, your Dad's always been brutal about your studies—"

"They don't _care_ anymore, Lil!" Andromeda broke in, a little laugh escaping her lips. "It's scary, how enamored they are of that man," Lily pressed her lips together, suppressing a shudder as she thought of Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters. Andromeda just looked frustrated, alone, worried. Lily scooted forward, shifting to her knees, placing her hands on either side of her legs and letting her hair fall down one shoulder, dancing at her elbow.

"An—"

"Narcissa was home a lot, over the holiday," Andromeda said quietly, a little off subject. Lily shut her mouth, recognizing the need of her friend to just talk. "Lucius, hardly ever. Narcissa's always been so pretty, you know? She has these dark circles under her eyes…I don't think she's happy. Narcy used to be all right…always snobby, and into the blood thing, but she was never like Bella. She used to tell me I was smart, and play with me; now she just takes mother's side and belittles me, she's hateful. And _Bella_, the things she _says_…awful. She's got his mark, and they've all taken the Mulciber's side—they want me out of here because of Dumbledore and his 'lot' as they call it!"

"Andromeda, you're rambling," Lily commented softly, leaning forward a little more. She softened her eyes at her friend and reached for Andromeda's arm, touching her shoulder soothingly. Andromeda sniffled, her eyes watering generously, and titled her head back, blinking. She looked back at Lily, and her voice shook.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't…why would you want to hear about this? God, it must be horrible for you and here I am telling you my parents think you're—" Andromeda broke off, muttering looking angry again. Lily bit her lip and shook her head, trying to comfort Andromeda. Words flew through her head, as she remembered, took in what Andromeda was referring to. It wasn't exactly the first time she'd come into contact with that sentiment…

_That Mudblood bitch is just angry he didn't think her worthy enough!_

_She cries rape because he's got enough sense to stick to his own kind._

_Of course they pin Mulciber for this…no one would dare call perfect little Evans a liar._

_Filth._

_Slut. _

Lily closed her eyes briefly and breathed in slowly, using a calming technique to prevent herself from freezing up. She squeezed Andromeda's arm and the other girl looked up, her eyes narrow and concerned. Lily just shook her head a little.

"Andromeda," she started softly, "Don't feel like you can't talk about what's bothering you because you're afraid it will damage me. I'm…it happened. It's a nightmare and it sickens and terrifies me," Lily stopped, swallowing the unsteadiness in her voice. Andromeda sniffled again, keeping her eyes on Lily wearily. "But I'm trying to…come to terms. Er…Andy. Your parents' thoughts aren't yours. You're one of my best friends. I feel comfortable around you, I feel like I'm still me, still _Lily_. It's because you're still Andromeda, and you treat me like you always have. Don't apologize to me."

Lily finished, Andromeda looked at her, a little incredulously. She started to cry, silently, unabashed about it. Lily tipped her lips up in a little bit of a smile and clamped her teeth down on her lips, keeping them from trembling.

"I hate the way they are, Lily. I don't want to leave Hogwarts. I'm afraid for Ted." Andromeda said slowly, all of the meaning behind her ramblings and 'gossip' about home expressed acutely and freely in those three, simple sentences. Lily lurched forward and wrapped her arms around Andromeda, providing a shoulder to cry on. She touched Andromeda's hair, the pigtails getting in the way of her flattening a palm. She felt a hollow spot in her stomach, thinking of the brutal attacks on muggles that had been whispered about before. She saw why Andy would be worried for Ted; she didn't know what to say to make it better for her friend. She couldn't, she didn't have the ability to say it was all going to be okay when—from personal experience—she knew everything wasn't always okay. She just knew she could be there. Like her friends were there for her.

Andromeda lifted her head after a minute, rubbing her hands under mascara-smeared eyes. She scratched the back of her neck and smirked at Lily, rolling her eyes again. Lily couldn't help but smile at the Goth-vampire look the runny make-up gave to Andromeda.

"If worse comes to worse, dear, you could always run away with Ted in a fit of romantic passion, elope to Paris or something." Lily teased. Andromeda broke into a relatively bright smile.

"And after our secret mountain wedding, I could carry Teddy over the threshold of a tree-house in the Amazon?" she added, raising her eyebrows. They both broke into a fit of giggles.

"You've always been a good listener for us, Lils, when we needed you…I wish you'd have felt that way about us. Last semester." Andromeda said softly, plucking at the bedspread. Lily bit her lip again, and shrugged half-heartedly.

"I read this book once, about a girl whose teacher harassed her. She wouldn't tell, and he got away with it with girls younger and younger, and she never told, while all these girls suffered. Mary told, and no one listened. And I…I was like that girl, Andy. I don't know what I was thinking all that time, why I didn't just say something…I thought I was smarter than that."

"You were _scared_,"

"I was ashamed."

Lily looked at Andromeda insecurely. She felt like she was in limbo. Like she was bombarded from two sides of two groups…two sides of the student population, two sides of herself. And they were all telling her different things. Coward, Liar, Slut, Innocent, Lily, Victim. She picked Lily…but it was so hard to hold onto herself in the midst of it all. Sometimes she felt the weeks had been just mechanical and dead; she only reflected on the acutely painful or joyful moments.

She despaired of ever getting through it.

"You're brave, Lily."

"You're crazy, Andromeda."

"You're a goat, Lily."

"Shut-up," Lily giggled again, distracted by the partial return of Andromeda's silly personality. Andromeda smiled back, easing back into herself.

"Thanks, Lily." Andromeda said seriously, after a moment of silence from both of them. Lily gave a courteous nod, lifting her eyebrows snobbishly in a look of arrogant approval. Andromeda laughed outright. She stood up, twirling her wand complicatedly and catching it between two fingers. She smirked towards the door and raised her eyebrows.

"I'm long overdue for a detention…perhaps I'll run into Filch on my way back," she said wickedly, wiggling her eyebrows. Lily glanced at the door, and felt her hairs rise a little, chill bumps spreading over her arms and the back of her neck.

"Or," she started gently, "you could, er, sleepover. I'm sure you'd love to tell me what's been going on between our Susanna and her unlikely suitor…?" Lily stopped as she saw a little smirk starting to creep back over Andromeda's face.

Truth be told, she was having trouble sleeping alone. She hadn't woken up screaming in a while, just talking to herself, or moaning, in a cold sweat even. She dreamed of the incident, of questioning, things she didn't even recognize, or sometimes just saw words in bloody graffiti all around her in a dark room. She got enough sleep, sometimes barely enough…she had the feeling she'd relax more if she was with someone, if she subconsciously felt safe because this room was full of memories of how easily safety could be _breached_.

Andromeda was saying something, so Lily perked up and nodded her head, hoping it was a trivial comment and she wasn't making a fool of herself over it. The raven-haired girl flopped down on the bed again, this time leaning back against the headboard with Lily. She made herself extremely comfortable there and assumed a very Andromeda-like facial expression. Lily shifted back and relaxed her shoulders, at ease, and reached toward the nightstand, from which she pulled out a box of peppermint imps, courtesy of Frank.

"So, I kind of held out on you on the gossip," Andromeda started, looking guilty and yet mischievous at the same time. Lily's heart skittered a little as she anticipated more bad news and Andromeda, probably noticing her faltering look, smiled and shook her head, popping a peppermint in her mouth as she continued,

"Professor Vector is _definitely_ sleeping with Jethro McGee."

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--**'While Easy Sleeps Away'-- Blue October**

Thoughts, reflections, questions, complaints? Please, review!


	17. Clumsy Card House

**A/N:** I'm very, very sorry about the looonnnnggg wait. But with this update, at least I know the servers are working. This is a dark chapter, towards the end. I put in some light stuff, as well. I'm hoping all my readers are still sticking with me, you know I love you guys. The longer the wait, the harder I work on it. Please, continue and enjoy. OH. Did I ever put a note telling you that there's a link to look at the necklace James gave Lily at Christmas on my profile? Well, there is. Go look.

**Merediththefairyprincess: **Ha! You caught my NCIS reference! Yes, I stole 'Jethro McGee' from that lovely show. Nice catch, brownie points to you.

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**Chapter Seventeen: Clumsy Card House**

"As per usual, Evans, your performance was flawless," Professor McGregor said with a slight smile, as the class erupted into applause following her completely wordless and extremely strong protection charm that had successfully deflected each one of Remus's increasingly strong hexes.

Lily relaxed her stance a little and allowed herself a small grin, taking a steady breath and stepping out of the cleared spot modestly, grinning a little wider when Gideon punched her affectionately in the arm. It felt good to know she hadn't lost her touch, to be able to prove to her teachers and her peers that the forced sabbatical she'd taken hadn't given her any ideas about slacking off or skirting by.

She flashed a smile and gave a nod to Remus across the room, knowing he had been trying equally as hard to demolish her defense. He shrugged good-naturedly. Ted Tonks looked a little pale as he shuffled forward, knowing it was his turn, and obviously dreading going up against Susanna's offensive. Susanna winked at Lily as she stepped up, no doubt planning some horrendous disfiguration jinx that would have Andromeda up the wall with fury, when McGregor smacked his hands together once and gestured to the desks, getting his point across without a word as usual.

The students dispersed with murmured words of disappointment, although Ted looked rather relived. McGregor sat on the edge of his desk and looked around, with the same stressed and darkened expression most of the teachers bore these days.

"I think we've pushed enough of you to the limit for this lesson," he said, more as a grumbling to himself. He reached up and pushed his glasses up, surveying them all. "We'll be working on defenses again next time. More rigorous, yet more effective. In order to not neglect the offensive, your homework is to select a curse or hex of some sort from your advanced spell book—that's _advanced_, Mr. Black—and master it to perform in front of the class."

The professor hesitated, as if there was something else he would like to say, yet he did not. The class had quieted, sensing this. They seemed to forget the funnier antics of the class and actually listen to him. This assignment was something new, yet it had been familiar to them for the previous week or two. Teachers stressing them learning all they could, and training them hands-on almost ruthlessly.

"You are dismissed," McGregor said, instead of whatever else had been fluttering on the tip of his tongue.

Everyone began to move instantly, like a long-held breath had just been released. Conversation elevated easily.

"I don't know why he singled me out like that—what, like I'm some kind of slacker? I'm damn good at this class, where does he get these ideas about me…" Sirius's voice floated loudly above the din of talking, drawing few snorts or giggles, including one from Lily herself. Susanna rolled her eyes and glanced at Lily slyly.

"You hear him _talk_," she started smarmily, "but you never see him react to my tickle jinxs. He squeals like a first year in the forbidden forest."

Lily giggled again, sliding her increasingly heavy workload, consisting of many books, quills and parchments, back into her bag neatly. She waited for Susanna to ready her things, giving a smile and a wave to Alice as she and Frank left together, and when she turned back she was accosted by a blur of reddish-orange hair and a pair of big, kind blue eyes.

"Lily," Sasha breathed, her smile a little uncertain. She paused a moment and reached into her bag, pulling out a prettily made up bag of peppermint imps attached to a book entitled _The Very Un-Classic Book of Wizarding Faerie Tales. _Lily turned to her fully as Sasha held out the book and candy, reaching up to tuck a loose strand of hair from her pony tail behind her ear.

"It's for your birthday," the other girl said, "I missed your party…I haven't been a very good friend." She said, shrugging apologetically and opening acknowledging her fault. Lily took Sasha's gift and turned the corners of her mouth up as she read the gold-embossed 'disclaimer' scrawled in Sasha's pretty writing across the bottom of the book: _I'm pretty sure they skanked up kids stories to make us immature teenagers giggle and blush._ Lily pulled her arms in and secured the present in her grip.

"Sounds intriguing," she said, smiling. "You changed your hair," she noticed, nodding to the new color Sasha's longer hair was. Sasha touched it again, as if remembering.

"Oh, erm, yeah. Over Christmas break. Look, Lily…I'm sorry. I really am. Has it been hard?" she asked sincerely, her eyes all but pleading. Lily realized she felt no anger, or animosity towards her former very close friend. She was just grateful Sasha had been thinking about her, and she understood what Sasha had gone through.

"Yes," Lily answered truthfully, shrugging. Susanna slung her bag over her shoulder and straightened up, greeting Sasha with a smile, following Lily's amiable lead. Lily didn't know if they had spoken or interacted much, as Susanna was with Lily most of the time.

"I should have been around. It's just—"

"Easier to be around happier people?" Lily offered, wondering after she said it if it had sounded accusatory. Sasha didn't seem to take it that way. She just smiled a little guiltily, and nodded, her ponytail brushing her shoulders. "It's alright, Sasha. You did just give me my favorite candy after all."

Sasha responded to Lily's tease with a wide smile that brought out her old spark, looking relieved, and reveling in the forgiveness. She beamed at them both.

"You really missed it, Sash," Susanna spoke up with a mock longing in her tone, "Lils drank firewhiskey at her birthday bash."

Sasha's jaw dropped.

"You did not! Easy fix for that, then, Farris, we'll just have to have a repeat of the festivities—"

A cleared throat interrupted Sasha's gushing, and Lily was startled to realize they were left alone in the classroom, except for a few younger Hufflepuffs that were standing in the doorway, apparently afraid to enter. McGregor raised an eyebrow at them over glasses, he having been the one to grunt at them, and nodded his head towards the door. Suppressing grins and apologizing, the three made their way out of the classroom and into the thinning crowd in the corridors.

"What do you two have after lunch?" Sasha queried, slipping back into a familiar friendship.

"_Herbology_," Susanna almost spat, frowning. Sasha raised her eyebrows at the venom in Susanna's tone, and Lily just rolled her eyes. It was common knowledge how much Susanna Farris despised Herbology. "I would rather sit through six hours of lectures on the usefulness of a boy-game than plant another damn vegetable."

"It's…game-boy, Suze," Lily corrected, ignoring the scowl she received.

"Hey! Don't knock the usefulness of Muggle Studies!" Sasha defended cheerily, as that was where she was heading off to after lunch with them. Susanna just set a gloomy look on her face and remained silent on the way to the Great Hall, stewing in her dislike of Herbology.

Lily listened to Sasha's enthusiastic re-count of a day she had spent on Hogsmeade before Christmas while Lily was gone, a day that for reasons unknown included a fanged Frisbee, some flinch-worthy injuries, and two very frightened second year boys. Regardless of the total nonsense of it, the story got a loud laugh out of Lily that only Sasha's bubbly personality could bring out.

They arrived at the Great Hall as one of the last; the tables were scattered with eating, laughing, yelling, and chattering seventh and sixth years. Noticing that an overwhelming majority of the students were boys, Sasha groaned.

"There'll be no food left!" she lamented, dragging her feet towards the table. A sharp dog-whistle alerted them to the middle of the Gryffindor table. Sirius was grinning wildly, as he gestured at a plate full of food next to him.

"I have procured you a plate, my lady!" he announced gallantly. Susanna's eyebrows rocketed into her hair and she looked at the food in a mixture of shock and suspicion before glancing back at Lily and Sasha. Both of them nodded encouragingly, and she sat down, still giving Sirius a suspect glare. Sasha wiggled her eyebrows at Lily and flounced a few paces down, putting her arms around a sixth year boy Lily' didn't know from behind and starting to chatter in his ear.

Lily slid onto the bench next to Remus, and he greeted her nicely, complimenting her on her performance in Defense. Lily waved it off, just as James managed to slide a goblet of pumpkin juice across the table at her without spilling it.

"Managed to save you some before _Peter_ drowned himself in it," he said, jabbing his thumb at the nervous looking boy next to him. Peter promptly began to splutter and blush, protesting.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist there, Wormy," Sirius snorted, flicking a specimen of food at him. Peter whined about it when it marred the cleanliness of his school robes. Lily just ignored Peter as she took the goblet with a thanks; she'd never really taken to Peter. Of course, no one at Hogwarts ever _took_ to Peter, but she had just never gone out of her way to make him her friend.

"So, Lily, any chance you're going to return Moony's manhood to him?" quipped Sirius, smirking at his tired looking friend. Remus just smiled, taking it in stride. She knew Sirius was just joking, and she knew equally that Remus was laid back and easy enough to take pleasure in the joke.

"No, sorry," she responded, deciding to poke a little fun at Sirius anyway, "I need it for the potion I'm making to castrate you next week."

Remus snorted with laughter and James looked like Christmas has just come twice. Sirius wagged a finger at Lily, a loping smile on his face.

"Evans," he started mock-sternly, "you have apparently been hanging around a bad influence."

"Gee, I wonder _who_ that could _be_." Susanna asked sarcastically, elbowing Sirius. He stuck his tongue out at her in response, and snaked his arm around her thin waist, pulling her close and pressing his mouth against her neck. Susanna stabbed him in the wrist with her fork in vain protest; Lily looked away from them and quirked an eyebrow at James across the table.

He didn't seem to see her for a moment; he was looking at his best friend in something that looked like annoyance and unrest. It was only brief, though, and then he was rolling his eyes at her.

"Any idea what kind of spell you're gonna use for McGregor?" he asked, forking ham into his mouth without looking back at Susanna and Sirius. Peter's head snapped up at this, his cheeks coloring again, looking panicked.

"W-What kind of assignment _was_ that? I mean, the-the _teachers_ are supposed to teach _us_, I don't think I can…and what kind of mark is it going to be? I—"

"Moony. Shut stutter-boy up." Sirius snapped, giving the mousy boy an annoyed look. Remus calmly pulled a book out of his bag and handed it to Peter across the table. Whatever it was, it worked, and Peter dove into it, silenced. Lily raised an eyebrow at him for a moment before answering James's inquiry.

"Something to do with disabling the eyesight. Theoretically, it's the best way to send an opponent into panic even if it doesn't work properly." She responded easily, examining the new kind of bread on the table for eating it. James looked at her before answering slowly:

"Right. Well…er." James stopped. Lily titled her head at him questioningly, taking a drink, wondering if he had something to say. Rather, it appeared he had, until she'd given him her answer. He furrowed his eyebrows and then went on. "So the Imperious would be overkill." He stated. Lily's mouth hung open a little. "Inappropriate?" he tried, changing his wording hopefully.

"I would say so, Potter," Lily responded a little coolly, reverting back to her old way of addressing him, "it's an unforgivable. I'm not sure that's exactly what McGregor _meant_."

"It's the most benign of the three, though. And it would be effective in halting an attacker without injuring them, so they'd be in condition for questioning immediately." James defended, his eyes seeming to light up a little at the challenge.

Lily pursed her lips, setting the forkful of food she had down. She leaned forward just a little, resting her elbows on the table, knowing he was realizing the same thing she was about the teaching strategies of the staff lately. It was all preparation for the turmoil they were going to face in fast becoming dangerous wizarding world outside the walls. It was, essentially, a preparation to defend themselves and survive as long as the Dark Lord still thrived and wrecked havoc throughout Europe. She assumed they were on the same page, and spoke:

"Then where do you draw the line, Potter? We make it okay for the 'good side' to use, and then the lines blur and the rules become obsolete. We can't sink to their level. And if we injure _them_ using forgivable curses," she paused a little, shrugging, "they're just taking one for their _team_, really."

James looked at her for a minute then looked a little over her shoulder, slightly scowling, processing her words. His eyes darkened a little, and Lily thought of his dad, in Law Enforcement with the ministry.

"So," he started slowly, turning those suddenly troubled eyes back on her, "you don't think there's anyone who deserves those curses? The Cruciatus, Imperious, any of them? You don't think there are some people so…evil that no one gives a damn?" he asked, his eyes staring into hers.

Her breath hitched in her throat and she didn't respond right away, her mind flashing images at her rapidly, words flowing back to her, nightmares and remembrances.

"I…" she started, shaking her head a little, leaning back. She paused, and looked down at the liquid in her cup. "Maybe." She said a little quieter, maybe a little darkly. James's knuckles relaxed on the other side of the table and he straightened up from his brooding stance a little.

"Hey…I'm sorry I said that," he said hesitantly, feeling like he may have pushed something to the surface that hadn't been bothering her as much today.

"No," Lily answered a little sharply, shaking her head, "No. It's something to think about." She said, looking him dead in the eye. He just nodded, draining his goblet of drink and standing up.

"Snow's really thick," he said, suggesting that they should all get a move on in order to make it to the greenhouse before the bell announced them late. Grudgingly, the others gathered there things and left the warmth of the Great Hall to head for the biting cold outside.

Lily drew her wand out and cast the melting spell that paved the path in front of them, pulling her scarf tight around her neck with the other hand. Sirius pointed and laughed at a group of second year girls squealing and whining about the cold over near the forest, where apparently a hands-on Care of Magical Creatures lesson was taking place.

"It's bloody freezing. What the hell are we doing this for? We should've skived off, Prongs, there's no use in sloshing through all this muck just to find out what kind of horrifying plant is going to save us from the Killing curse," Sirius grumbled, the last part of his comment thick with sarcasm.

"I'm not cold," Susanna commented.

"Me neither." Sirius responded instantly, straightening his shoulders and looking determined.

Lily burst into giggles; James gave her a funny look. Susanna had lived in Russia for six years and positively thrived in the freezing cold, having become so accustomed to it then. When she said she wasn't cold, she really wasn't. When Sirius said he wasn't cold, he was attempting to assert his manhood and impress Susanna. Susanna acknowledged this with a raised eyebrow and a wink at Lily.

Shouts came from behind them, and they hurried up a little, taking that as a sign that class would be starting sooner than they'd initially anticipated.

Lily sighed as they came up on the greenhouses, especially when she saw Professor Sprout waving gleefully from outside, her young face fresh and excited. She had to admit to herself, Sirius had a point. Yes, there were dangerous plants. But the dangerous plants were generally too vicious for _anyone_ to touch, much less appropriate for carrying around in one's purse in case of a Death Eater attack.

She tucked away her wand and shielded her hands from the cold in her pockets, cursing herself for forgetting her gloves today. Professor Sprout clasped her hands patiently and waited for everyone to assemble, before her excitement about her favorite subject came spilling out enthusiastically.

"The Harbinger Glories are in full bloom, children!" she announced, using her usual affectionate 'children' to address them. Lily couldn't help but smile. "These are especially useful, you know, I'm going to show you how to harvest them correctly—very tricky, but I trust you—and if done correctly, you'll see they prove helpful when trying to detect any one approaching you, hence the term 'harbinger', which is actually derived from—oh, come, grab a spade—now, the Latin form…"

Lily took a spade in hand and winced at the pain it caused her frozen hands. She was looking at it glumly, struggling to pay attention to Professor Sprout's instructions, when her gloves appeared in front of her face, waving. James grinned at her.

"Saw 'em on the table before I left," he said, dropping them into her outstretched palm. Lily thanked him in relief, and turned her full attention, or what she strove to make her full attention, to the professor.

Surprisingly, the lesson passed quickly, despite the fact that it was a double and in the two hours the sky had darkened a little and the clouds were heavy. As Professor Sprout assigned a reading on the origin of the Harbinger Glory, Lily laid her spade in the growing pile and looked longingly towards the inviting castle, already imagining a good dinner and the welcoming warmth of her dorm. Herbology was their last class of the day, and that meant a good long period of relaxation.

"I eat my words. That was useful." Sirius was saying, as he tossed his spade carelessly on top of the pale and successfully demolished any order it had maintained. A Hufflepuff girl made an outraged noise at him; it appeared she had been the spade organizer. He just shrugged at her semi-apologetically. "A seed-leaf combination that warns you when there's someone near? Brilliant. We've gotta knick some to use when Filch's lurking about, Prongs."

"I think the purpose in teaching us about it was for use against the enemy, Black," Remus said, giving a smirk of his own. Sirius kicked snow at Remus, and hit Lily by default; she shrieked and ducked behind James to avoid it, rewarding him with a face full of slush. Laughing hysterically, Sirius turned and backed away slowly, preparing for the wrath of a very wet and cold James. As they played, Lily looked down and searched for her Defense book, counting on using it as a shield. With consternation, she realized it must have fallen out of her bag in the gardens.

"Suze," she called, getting the raven-haired girl's attention away from the quarreling boys, "I lost my Defense book back at greenhouse; I'll catch up in a minute." Susanna nodded, and Lily turned to go back up the hill towards greenhouse at a fast pace, cursing herself for not checking her books and therefore prolonging her need to be out in the freezing winter.

She spotted her book immediately when she reached the garden on a patch of frozen ground next to the neglected mess of spades. She hurriedly shoved it into her bag and dashed out of the garden down the hill, her teeth chattering as she ran against the wind.

She stopped running, out of breath, when she reached the somewhat less windy stone courtyard, though she was still walking a little fast. Her foot hit a patch of ice and she slipped, landing ungracefully on her backside, and actually cursing out loud when she found that her books had spilled out of her bag. Shifting to her knees, she reached for the three books and the ink pot that had scattered and, grumbling still, began putting them up.

As she stood up and reached for the last book, another hand got to it first and held it out to her; she took it before she straightened up and her thank you broke in her throat when she laid eyes on the boy in front of her.

Severus.

Lily froze in every sense of the world. Her eyes wouldn't even move from his pale face and the lanky hair that hung around it; she was cruelly transfixed by his wide, dark eyes. She straightened up slowly after what seemed like an eternity, straining to move every muscle, pulling the book he'd touched tight in close to her. The cold felt infinitely colder; she took a conscious step backwards, stumbling a little at the ice she met, but refusing to fall again.

"Lily," He said, in a hoarse, croaking voice. He didn't move. "Wait." He asked.

She stopped for some reason, whether it was because his entreaty was so broken or because she was a deer in the headlights, she didn't know. She was reminded of his note, the one that had seemed innocent enough, luring her to the astronomy tower for a _talk_.

"What do _you_ want?" she rasped, struggling to make herself speak. Her eyes watered even in the dry wind.

"Just for you to listen," he answered automatically, pleading. He stepped a foot closer and Lily very nearly leapt back, hazarding the ice to get away.

"Why the _hell_ should I listen to _you_?" she hissed, fright creeping into her every vein. Had it been his revenge on her for breaking their friendship? Had he been an instigator, a tool, the mastermind? Her shoulders shook and her lips trembled; she didn't run away. There was some sick pull, something that made her stay and listen to what he was going to tell her.

"Please, Lily, you have to…I didn't plan that, I didn't mean for…_that_ to happen, they said they just wanted to _talk_ to you—"

"You believed _them_?" Lily whispered angrily, corralling her courage. His excuses angered her, or his explanation, whatever it was. "After everything we _fought_ about, after Mary McDonald? Why should I believe _you_? Why shouldn't I kill you now for what you _did_, you bastard?" she demanded, her voice getting louder, even more hysterical.

"Lily!" he cried desperately, holding out his hands. His eyes were wide, almost terrified. "Please, Lily, I didn't! I didn't want them to touch you! I would never hurt you, please, please believe me Lily, I just thought they would _scare_ you a little-"

"And that's _better_? That makes it _okay_? _Get away from me_!" she shrieked sharply as he moved closer. The book slipped from her hands and she groped inside her rob for her wands, fumbling and shaking too much to find it. She looked back up, wary of taking her eyes off of him. He looked like he was crying now and her heart hardened against it; she was too scared and too angry. "You let it happen! You let it happen again, and again!" Lily whispered hoarsely, tears spilling onto her cheeks. She glanced at her book on the ground; he shook his head at her in horror.

"I didn't know, I didn't—I'm not like them, I'm not! Please, I didn't—"

"Shut up!" She cried quietly, unable to yell. She shook her head and backed up, holding a hand out. He stepped closer and she gasped, her hand plunging into her pocket for her wand, when—

"What the _fuck_ are you doing, Snivellus?"

Lily's head snapped in the direction of the speaker and she let out all her breath in relief when she saw Sirius, even if his countenance was about as black and scary as the devil himself. Her hand went subconsciously to the base of her throat where her necklace rested; she pressed it into her skin as she tried to regain her breath.

Sirius looked at her briefly and stepped forward quickly, crossing the distance easily with his long legs. Deftly, he picked up the book that was closer to Severus than Lily was and held it lightly in one hand, stepping closer to his long-time nemesis. Severus's face flashed with hate but he nonetheless backed up, stumbling as Lily had in the ice.

"If you ever speak to her again, if I see you _near_ her again, I _will_ beat the _shit_ out of you." He snarled, advancing slowly on Severus. He grabbed the other boy at the collar and jerked him closer, lips curling back.

"Then I'll tell James you were near her," he added, letting the implication hang suspended in the air. He let go of Severus and thrust him backwards violently, looking like he was restraining himself with every muscle. He turned on his heel and walked toward Lily without a glance back. Wordlessly, he handed her the book and wrapped his hand gently around her upper arm, leading her into the castle firmly.

When they got into the quiet and empty lobby, he stopped walking and got out of the middle of the area. Lily let out another bated breath and hiccupped a small cry, shuddering. He looked at her intently, still holding her arm gently, watching until she composed herself a little and tucked the book into her bag. She blinked and looked up at him, her eyes moist, crying silently.

"Stop crying," he said, not in an annoyed or short way, but simply. "Don't worry about him, and you don't have to tell me what he said. We're going to eat dinner. I'll deal with James."

He stepped back to give her more space.

Lily nodded, her eyes drying with his words. He squeezed her shoulder in a sign of strength and turned, releasing his grip on her only when she started to walk equal with him. She glanced at him sideways, appreciating for some reason the stoic and matter-of-fact way he'd reacted. Sirius was almost a different breed than the rest of them. Darker, and more world-wise. If he hadn't so magnificently proven himself to be a Gryffindor and a good man through and through, she would be afraid of his capabilities.

They were the early shift of dinner, starting at four-thirty. Not many students were in the Great Hall at this time, and the only two supervising teachers were Professors Dumbledore and McGregor, who seemed to be engaged in hearty conversation. Lily stepped a little ahead of Sirius to take a place at the table next to Alice. She saw James's mouth leap open at the sight of her, but Sirius was quicker. His hand descended on James's shoulder tightly and he seemed to whisper something, thought Lily barely saw his lips move.

Susanna looked up a little bewildered, from Sirius to James, apparently recognizing his face. Remus glanced toward Lily and Sasha, who had appeared a few second after Sirius and Lily sat down, watched the exchange a little hesitantly.

"Erm." She cleared her throat, holding a book at chest level, surveying them all. "What just happened?" she asked. Even she realized she had no hope of getting an answer, as neither Sirius nor Lily was speaking and no one else seemed to know either.

Smiling in that wow-what-an-awkward-moment way, Sasha sat down next to James across the table and turned her head the other way, querying of a sixth year down the table what the muggle studies assignment was.

Lily helped herself to the soup that was on the table, relishing the warmth of it in her skin as she washed the cold away. She opted for hot chocolate instead of icy pumpkin juice in her goblet.

"Sirius," Sasha asked suddenly, turning her bright eyes toward them and crossing her arms on the table. "Where's Andy? She missed Muggle Studies. Poor Ted, you should've seen him, he looked like a little lost puppy…" Sasha trailed off suddenly when she noticed a few puzzled looks and the lack of Sirius's smirk or teasing response.

"Yeah," Susanna started slowly, "where _is_ that girl? She wasn't in Defense."

Lily looked up, the soup tasting sour in her mouth for a moment. The class had been so rigorous from the beginning; she had barely acknowledged Andromeda's absence herself. Now it seemed glaringly and acutely obvious. Sasha was still looking around, her eyebrows raised in question.

"Andromeda's gone." Sirius said, his expression oddly blank for once. He took a drink and went back to his food, while everyone just looked at him in mixtures of shock and incomprehension.

"W…What?" Sasha whispered, clearly confused. Sirius looked at his food for a minute before looking up again, his eyes hard. Lily felt her stomach drop.

"Her parents would prefer to indoctrinate her from home, Webber." Sirius responded, standing up abruptly and jerking his bag of the bench. His goblet clanged over and spilled; he strode out of the Hall without another word. Susanna looked at her plate absently for a moment.

"They're purists, Sash," she said gently, lessening the tone Sirius had left, "haven't you noticed the Slytherins starting to thin out? I'm sure she had no choice." Susanna reached over on the bench and pulled her bag towards her, picking up a few pieces of bread and standing up. She gave Lily a sad smile before she left, turning in the same direction Sirius had at the Hall's exit.

"When?" Lily asked James calmly, knowing he'd probably not told her when it had actually happened out of either respect or some kind of consideration. He just looked depressed.

"Last night. They thought she'd come easier if they did it at night, but Sirius and I were out with—erm, out, and we came on them in the Great Hall," he paused and smiled, as if remembering something suddenly. "You should have seen the fit she threw. Her mother attempted to drag her out by the _hair_. She only calmed down slightly when Narcissa showed up."

Lily was silent, and Sasha just looked hopeless. She looked at them all, From Lily to Alice, to Remus and James, as if her world was falling apart. Then she got up and left, leaving her books and scarf on the table. Lily looked after her. This was too much for Sasha. Happy-go-lucky Sasha, never bothered by anything, loved everyone. It was too heavy, all of this, for a bunch of barely grown kids. Their skies were blackening.

"She was wearing Ted's Hufflepuff tie," James said, glancing at Remus. Remus looked back at him and grinned, raising his eyebrow. "pink-and-gold striped tights," Remus smiled even wider, as if he knew the story already, "and her shirt wasn't buttoned." James finished, his gaze flicking to Lily.

Lily slowly realized the implication and smiled herself, thinking of the many times Andromeda had mentioned sneaking off with Ted to 'explore the corridors'. That had to be the kicker for Andy's purist prejudiced parents: finding their daughter dressed in crazy clothing, her shirt unbuttoned, wandering around Hogwarts with a Hufflepuff muggle born's tie around her neck.

Lily laughed out loud, and Remus and James joined her. Alice smiled, all the while looking at them like they had lost their minds.

"She'll give them hell," Lily said, smiling fondly.

"They could use a little," Remus responded, surprising them a little with his vehemence. Alice looked towards the entrance and sighed when she didn't find Frank there yet; he was still slaving in Arithmancy, it seemed.

"Frank was up all night studying for his Arithmancy test, he's going to kill himself in Astronomy." She said worriedly, picking at her food.

Lily dropped her fork onto her plate with a loud _clang_ that made not only those near her but many other people look around curiously. Lily ignored their looking.

"In _what_?" Lily asked sharply. Alice looked bewildered and worried again.

"Astro...nomy." She answered nervously. Lily stared through her, her eyes glazed over. Slowly, she straightened up and began eating her food, not saying a word. She felt James and Remus looking from each other to Alice and finally staring at her. Stoically, she refused to make eye contact.

Oh, none of them knew. _That_ was still her secret, deepest rooted, the core of all evil—to her at least. All they knew was that…that it had 'allegedly' happened more than once, and she hadn't ever really confirmed that. They only knew really what they saw, and that was only Sirius, Susanna, and James. Remus knew only hearsay, the others even less. She couldn't go up there; she couldn't sit through a class in there, _hearing_ her own screams echo off the stone walls, _seeing_ his laughing face.

Lily swallowed her food and looked up, daring anyone of them to ask her 'what's wrong'.

She had to go to the Astronomy tower tonight. The thought almost brought all of her food back up.

* * *

Lily's hand pressed flat against the cold stone walls of the swirling staircase that led through the increasingly suffocating passageway to the very top of the north tower. She foolishly attempted to melt into the wall and hide. The stairway was dark, and the cracked old stones whispered and sneered at her; she could see the words of her nightmares written in stark white on the walls, burning into her eyes, accosting her though no one else could see. The few other people still bothering with Astronomy in seventh year were up ahead, giggling, whispering in hushed, eerie voices and occasionally shouting—to be quickly shushed by Professor Vector. Lily had already found that attempting to distract herself by remembering Andromeda's gossip about the professor and her students did not work; it simply made her sadder in thinking of Andy, and lapsed eventually back into the dark and disturbing memories in her mind.

Gooseflesh rose on her arms beneath the material of the robe, and she resisted the shiver begging to course through her body, forcing herself up a few more stairs. Her feet felt uncommonly heavy, her legs abnormally stiff, and she seemed to be only able to look straight ahead. Tunnel vision. She heard a loud snort, and recognized it as belonging to Sirius.

She tried focusing on them, on not drawing attention to herself and therefore a bombardment of questions. Did James know? He'd seen the note…but did he know?

She couldn't remember if she'd told him. She couldn't remember if she'd told anyone, even the interrogators. Professor vector snapped at them all for being unruly and near silence fell, only marred now by quiet whispers. Lily placed her foot on the next stair and ended up unbalanced; she gave a small squeal as she barely managed to keep her equillibrium and prevent a nasty fall.

"All right, Evans?" It was James, calling back from his place ahead. Lily's words stuck in her throat.

"Where did Lily go?" Alice piped up, sounding confused. Lily had been walking with Alice and Sasha earlier, before falling behind to deal with herself. She almost wished for Susanna to show up and start talking in her good way about wizarding politics, something she did when the conversations at hand weren't pleasing. But Susanna was smart. She'd opted out of Astronomy years ago.

Lily took another deep breath and forced her head up, taking a few steps upward and nearly slamming headlong into James as she did. He grinned a toothy grin and steadied her with a firm grip on her shoulder. Leaning casually against the wall, one foot on one stair and the other on another, he raised an eyebrow.

"See a _rat_?" he asked. Sirius, who was perched waiting a few steps ahead of James, for some reason found this hilarious and broke into uncontrollable snickers. "Seems we've misplaced Peter." James finished, sending Sirius into peals of laughter. Either there was a joke Lily didn't get, or they were just crazy, but she shook her head dully.

"Tripped," she said shortly.

"Ooooh, careful Lily-goat," Sirius howled, turning and springing up a few stairs, "long way to fall."

Lily looked back down to where she'd come and blinked, pressing her hand against the wall again to feel the soothing cold against her skin.

"Yeah," she said absently, squinting into the dark. James cleared his throat.

"Sooner we get up there, sooner we get in bed," he said. And then, as if he couldn't stop himself, he snapped back into the James Potter of two years ago. "My bed or yours, Evans?"

Lily raised her eyebrows and stared at him, trying to really process what he'd just said. She wasn't in a state to laugh, so her response was to stare and part her lips a little.

"Er…sorry," James said, his smile fading a little to one of more a nostalgic nature, "maybe shouldn't have said that. Bottom line is, hurry up." He said, beckoning and turning. Lily swallowed and again compelled her feet forward, ignoring the resistance of her muscles and the refusal of her brain. Her boots mary-janes thumped against the steps now, as she slammed them down harder in an effort to vent some frustration.

"Angry at the stairs, Lily?" James asked absently from a few steps ahead. He turned around again as she reached him and stopped suddenly. They'd reached nearer the top and the light from the night sky, streaming through the windows of the north tower and out into the top of the staircase, illuminated them a bit more.

"You're white as a ghost," he commented, looking at her closer. Lily licked her lips and pressed them together, shrugging a little.

"Students! Come along, now!" Professor Vector snapped up ahead. Knowing they were the dawdlers, James glanced backwards with an eye roll. He lowered his voice a little.

"You okay?" he asked, concerned. Lily snapped her head up at him and watched him for a minute, before making a decision. She could face this, couldn't she? She spotted a very stern looking Vector in the doorway of the tower, tapping her foot. For a moment, she saw James's eyes change, and his color seemed to drop a little. His pupils widened slightly. Maybe she had told him. It all blurred together.

"I'm fine," she snapped in a hushed voice, before he could say a word. She didn't know if he had remembered the note he read or not, but she wasn't about to discuss it her. She was having enough trouble not falling apart. "Move," she hissed for good measure, poking his chest.

James whipped around and stomped up the stairs; she noticed a clenched fist at his side. Lily took a quick breath and followed him, giving a forced, apologetic look to Vector as she passed. Vector swept past her to the other side of the room and started to speak, loudly and crisply.

Lily's ears immediately closed up, and all she heard was laughter. Laughter and screaming. She reached up and swiped at her eyes, blinking them a few times. Scenes flashed before them. Avery knocking her wand away. Mulciber grabbing her, throwing her shoulders violently against the wall. She winced, and dug her teeth into her lip. She thought she heard someone whisper her name, but she just shook her head. Her vision swam; she felt dizzy. Reaching behind her, she felt the wall and pulled her hand back like she'd been burned. _That_ wall. Her stomach lurched and she whirled to the side, bending over and vomiting violently onto the floor.

She felt a gentle hand on her back before the flurry of voices erupted.

"Lil?"

"What's going on? Who was that?"

"Evans."

"What's wrong with her?"

"Lily, it's okay."

"Miss Evans, are you all right?" Professor Vector's voice silenced all others. Still hunched over, one arm around her waist, thankful that her hair was hiding her red face, Lily pressed the back of her hand against her mouth and nodded slowly.

"_Evanesca_," Vector muttered. Lily squeezed her eyes shut as she swallowed, the taste burning her throat. Her eyes stung. "Mr. Potter, escort Miss Evans to the hospital wing." Vector ordered in a clipped voice. The hand on her back moved to her shoulders and pulled her up. Lily didn't look at him. James started towards the door, and didn't stop at Vector's sudden sharp last words as they left,

"And _come_ _back_, Mr. Potter."

Lily breathed in and out slowly as they walked down the stairs, steadying her heart rate, hating the feel of her mouth and humiliated to have been so publicly stared at. She swore the walk down was ten times faster than the walk up, and when James started to turn towards the hospital wing, Lily snatched his wrist and jerked him back, shaking her head. Her lips shook, and she knew they would stand out red from her pale face.

"Not the hospital wing," she rasped. James shrugged. She let go of his wrist delicately and went for the grand staircase, heading determinedly and eagerly for the head's dorm. She reached the watchful gargoyle and searched for her voice to give it the password; nothing could be found.

"Magical Cooperation." James obliged promptly. The gargoyle admitted them to the room, which the house elves had evidently been to already. The fire was warm and roaring, the old bits of parchment were gone, the pillows and floors were immaculate. Lily looked around for a moment and then walked silently over to the couch. She sat slowly down and leaned forward, putting her head in her arms, cradling it. She started to cry, her shoulders shaking.

After a few moments of very open tears that she gave up bothering to hide, she felt James nudge her knee with his knuckles. With the slowest movements ever made, she lifted her head, her skull hammering, and looked at him—not making direct eye contact—with bloodshot and wet eyes. He sat on the coffee table a few feet away from the couch, and held out Sasha's gift of peppermint imps from earlier that day.

Lily reached for the bag and looked at it for a moment before reaching in and taking one, washing away the taste in her mouth with it and thankful for the treat as well. There was nothing like her favorite candy at a time like this. She wondered if her ears still smoked when she ate these.

Doubtful.

"Do you still feel sick?" James asked after a moment more of silence.

Lily looked down into the bag, admiring the little candies and buying herself time.

"Yes," she answered thickly, shrugging her shoulders. How could she not? How could she not still be sickened, disgusted, nauseated? It was a terminal illness.

"You should go back to class," she said hoarsely, after another second of silence, her voice still hoarse. He snorted derisively.

"Yeah, _right_, Lily."

James Potter was clearly not going back to class.

The popping and whispering fire made their silence less awkward, more comfortable. Lily took another peppermint imp, not looking at him.

"It happened in the astronomy tower? Lily, didn't it?"

Looking up at him for the first time directly since they'd come in, she nodded slowly, not taking her gaze off of him. She felt the remainder of her tears slipping down her cheeks, staining her wool skirt. Who cared?

James's mouth flexed into a hard and angry line. He seemed to glare at her, to draw up everything he knew, and she knew he was at the same time as her remembering the note he'd found that day before she left, when his suspicions had been developed. And so now they were confirmed.

"He lured you up there, then? Snape?" James already knew the answer to his livid question.

Tired of defending the bastard she'd once called her friend, the boy who'd showed her this magical world in the first place and then so cruelly taken it all away—whether he'd known what they were doing, meant to or not, she no longer cared—Lily again nodded.

James seemed to be speechless with rage.

"I'm going to murder him." He stated darkly, with a frightening intensity, finality even, that made Lily's eyes flick sharply to his. Her lips and hands still shaking, and her eyes still flowing with slow tears, she lifted one shoulder and with hardened irises uttered the one statement she never thought she would:

"I don't care,"

She let her words hang, and looked down again, shaking the bag of peppermint imps again. She thought back to her little argument with James earlier, about whether or not they should sink to the level of the Death Eaters by turning the unforgivables on them. The thoughts were dangerous. But how good would it feel to watch them—Mulciber, Avery, Snape even—writhe in pain like she had? At her hand?

The levity of the thoughts overwhelmed her. She squeezed her eyes shut and started to cry again, quietly this time. She heard the rustle of James's robes as he shifted, and then the movement of the cushions next to her as he sat down. He hesitantly slipped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her to him, as if to hug her. He reached around her chest with his other hand and rested it against the side of her head, on her hair, pressed her head against his shoulder.

A few months ago, Lily would have burnt him alive for even thinking of attempting to touch her in anyway. Now she just wanted to be reminded there was a gentle touch in the world.

* * *

---'Clumsy Card House'--Blue October

**Note:** Please review, you usually are so very good about it. Can I have five? :)


	18. Weaknesses

**A/N: Erm, yes, it's been a bit long. But this story is my baby, and I want perfection. I'm moving on to a bit lighter territory now, but there's still darkness, what with the War and Death Eaters and all. I miss Andromeda! Yes, as the author I chose to write her off...I just did not realize I loved her so much! Ha! Well, I hope this chapter is enjoyed, adn please do your thing and review--it makes me love you. Adore you.**

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**Chapter Eighteen: Weaknesses**

Lily looked around the black-draped windows of the Great Hall and bit her lip to keep it from trembling. Susanna pressed her fingers into Lily's forearm next to her, and Lily saw her avert her eyes from the mass of down-trodden students and the gloom they sat in. The staff table was silent, and the only reminder that the mourning was on the inside was the bright blue and sunny sky the ceiling evinced. Lily adjusted the strap of her bag on her shoulder, and looked at Susanna, nodding her head forward slightly.

They entered the Hall, silent as everyone else. Red eyes were not uncommon; Lily slipped into an open spot next to Alice and put her arm around the other girl's shoulder, letting Alice rest her head. Next to Lily on the other side, a fifth year sniffled and hid her face in a goblet. Lily gave her a sympathetic look, and waited, just as the others were, just as stunned and frightened as they had all been since the news had reached most of them this morning. Perhaps the only dry eyes in the Hall belonged to the boys—and the Slytherins, unsurprisingly.

Lily stared blankly at the gobs of food, stroking Alice's shoulder absent-mindedly, thinking about her parents and sister. Her eyes filled dangerously full again, and she blinked rapidly, taking a deep breath and turning her head towards the sound of Dumbledore's great chair scarping back, grateful for the distraction.

"It is not what we can call a 'good morning'," Dumbledore began slowly, having no need to wait for any chatter to subside this time. His blue eyes swept over everyone swiftly, observing. "This is a day of mourning, of sorrow, and awakening. For those of you—the few of you—who may not have already heard: yesterday afternoon fifteen innocent muggles were brutally massacred in Wales by the rarely spoken of 'Dark Lord'."

There was contempt in Dumbledore's voice as he spoke the ridiculous title the man had given himself, and a few mutters or gasps from the people around. Dumbledore waited, seeming to need time to gather himself. Susanna, across the table next to Sasha and Remus, pressed the back of her hand to her mouth, her eyes closing.

"We mourn because blameless lives have been sacrificed for an unspeakable evil. We mourn because the fallen are people like ourselves, making their way in a world that knows nothing of them, striving as we do to make a place for themselves. We mourn because they have had this chance, this basic right we all have, taken away from them," Dumbledore paused, and in a deeper, more meaningful tone, then continued:

"That _right_ is the right to _live_."

The fifth year girl next to Lily burst into tears, covering her mouth tightly to try and muffle her noise. Easing her arm off of Alice's shoulder, Lily turned to the other girl, dredging up her surname as Shepard, and put her arms around her, running her hands through the girl's hair.

"The sorrow in their deaths is not felt by only their family members, but by the entire wizarding community, the place from which this prejudiced hate has sprung. And we are awakened, students, by this tragic alarm of an event. It is time to stop ignoring the reports of what could soon be a very real threat to our safety and our very way of life. These whispers have been growing; they are fast becoming shouts. In our own school, we see and experience unjust treatment and judgment of one another: you see what this can lead to? These muggles, who seem insignificant to our lives today, were murdered because they were different. Because they did not conform to what a certain person deemed as 'normal'. These actions were committed in hatred and ignorance, by a man who has been ignored for far too long. His name is Voldemort."

Complete silence filled the hall. Not even the sniffling was heard, as every student stopped breathing at the word uttered, at the raw truth, fear, and intensity of the headmaster's words.

Dumbledore looked down at his hands, planted on the table in front of him, and then down both sides of the staff table. The teachers rose silently, hands folded in front of them. After a moment, Dumbledore continued softly.

"It is time for us to ponder what really makes us who we are. They way we look, or are born…or our actions. In memory of the Wales Massacre, we will hold a moment of silence, followed by a subdued breakfast."

With that, the wizened headmaster dipped his head, followed by the rest of the student body.

Sniffles, and quiet crying were again heard, and the girl shook next to Lily. After a moment, Dumbledore's head lifted and he raised his hands, taking a seat. The classes followed by slowly beginning to eat, the quiet broken now by soft conversations. Alice was talking to Frank next to Lily, and Susanna was quietly buttering a biscuit; Lily turned to the girl she was comforting and re-filled her goblet with hot chocolate, even thought the weather was getting warmer.

"Thanks," the girl said thickly. She was pretty sure the fifth year's name was Shepard…Heather?

"I'm Lily, Evans." Lily said gently. She nodded.

"I know. Everyone knows," and then, quieter, "…I…just meant you're popular. You always have been."

Lily knew why she was clarifying her comment, and she tried to ignore it. But why bother? They were always going to know who she was now.

"Hollis," she offered. The name clicked. _Hollis_ Shepard. She knew that; Hollis Shepard was dating a Prefect. "I'm muggle-born…I have family in Wales…they," Hollis swallowed and took a drink. "I don't know if they're okay. But…" she trailed off.

Lily nodded in understanding.

"Yeah. I get it." She said, thinking of her own family. She knew no relatives in Wales, but her favorite Aunt lived in Liverpool with a new baby, not too terribly far. Too close for Lily's taste.

Lily let Hollis Shepard to herself and looked around, eyes moving slowly over the population.

She hoped to whatever God was listening that no one had suffered losses; the details in the emergency papers arriving by owl last night and this morning had been gruesome, speaking of experimental spells, horrible happenings. She hadn't gotten any sleep…she'd hared Sirius and James, maybe Remus as well, downstairs talking in low voices, but she hadn't responded, pretending to sleep, not letting them know she'd heard.

She looked back up at Dumbledore and found him looking off into the ceiling forlornly, whispering out of the corner of his mouth to Professor McGonagall.

She didn't know how much more bad news she could take.

* * *

Sirius chucked an orange across the room at Peter, smacking him squarely in the center of the chest.

"BULLSEYE!"

"Sirrrr-iii-_usssss_!"

"_Damn_, Wormtail, you think you could possibly do a better impression of a six-year-old girl?"

Sirius glared at the scrawny boy a little warily and raised an eyebrow, watching Peter furrow his eyebrows and look moodily at him. He rolled his eyes and picked up another orange from the bowl in the midst of what paralleled the Great Hall's Hufflepuff table, bouncing it menacingly in his palm. Peter retreated even further away, and Remus staid Sirius's hand, taking the orange and making good use of it by eating it.

"Why do you pick on him?" the werewolf asked mildly, leaning back on a bench, in one of his rare relaxed poses. He rested on his back, peeling the orange and eating it, looking up at the ceiling of the vast Hogwarts kitchen. Sirius shrugged, and looked around for ammo, turning to eye Peter evilly.

"So other people won't," Sirius answered, hidden meaning in his words. James glanced at him sharply, having heard the last bit after reappearing from a cupboard in the back. He knew Sirius only gave Peter the hard time he did, aside from the fact that the smallest boy was annoying at times, was that if the meaner kids saw he already had a tormentor, they'd stay away.

"What'd ya find James m'boy?" Sirius demanded, throwing himself backwards onto the table and perching with his feed on Remus's bench. James slammed a crate full of firewhiskey down on the table, and Sirius's eyes lit up like candles.

"Excellent," he praised, the words stretched out in a delighted hiss. James smirked, and Remus lifted his head with interest.

"You've gotta be _kidding_ me," he started slowly. James just nodded in a superior way, taking a bottle out and tapping the lid slightly with his wand. The cork popped excitedly out of the bottle's neck and shot into the air.

"I seem to remember…a certain…person betting six sickles there'd be no fir—wait, wait. Remus…you owe me six sickles." James said matter-of-factly, ending his patronizing monologue.

Remus groaned and tossed the coins onto the table from his pocket, setting down a peeled and mangled orange.

"You actually going to have some this time, Moon?" Sirius goaded, swishing around the liquid in front of Remus. Remus looked at it and shrugged, a slow grin spreading over his features.

"I can't keep letting _Lily_ _Evans_ show me up, can I?" he asked, taking his own bottle and popping the cork. Sirius knocked the glasses together and smirked.

"Peter, get one." Sirius ordered, standing fully on top of the table. Peter scuttled over and grabbed a bottle, struggling with the cork and finally managing to ungracefully shoot it across the room into some pans, drawing couple house elves who, quick as a wink, cleaned them up and disappeared.

Standing atop the table, posed ridiculously like some sort of almighty god, Sirius raised his slightly dusty bottle and spoke in a very commanding, over-done commentator's voice.

"On this day—evening, actually—of his eighteenth year we pay tribute to one of the greatest young whippersnappers to have ever lived, to the mighty stag, one of the criminal masterminds behind what we know as the 'Marauder's Map', the illustrious and dashing trickster-turned-head-boy, his pompous-ness, PRONGS. Also known as James Potter, a.k.a 'Jamie Darling'—"

James rolled his eyes, slamming his bottle up against Sirius's and then tilting back his head for a long, much-needed swig of the burning liquid, shutting up Sirius's ridiculous birthday toast.

On the other side of the table, Peter coughed and spluttered loudly, drawing a laugh from them all and a flush from him.

"Excuse me, sirs!" piped a very high-pitched little voice. Sirius looked down, blinking at the three house-elves that were looking up at him with big watery eyes, holding trays of food. He hopped off the table and flourished his arm out, leaving them a space.

The house-elves deftly set down the trays full of sweets and deliciously steaming good, disappearing just as quickly, allowing two more to show up with jugs of pumpkin juice. None of them said a word about the firewhiskey, but before they all disappeared back into their little quarters—or wherever they went—the one who had spoken to Sirius produced an oozing chocolate cake and set it in the middle of the table with a gigantic smile.

"For Mister James Potter's birthday, sirs!" she squeaked, sweeping a low bow. James smiled.

"Thanks," he said, nodding. The elf beamed again and scampered away. Sirius looked after it curiously, shaking his head.

Sirius dropped down on the bench, straddling it, and grabbed an iced éclair off of the plate, eyeing it vulture-like before starting to eat it. He closed his eyes in exaggerated rapture and sighed, smacking his lips.

"Why didn't we sneak out to Hogsmeade this time?" Peter asked, shoving away the bottle of firewhiskey he had with a vary look and taking a big goblet of pumpkin juice. Sirius glanced at Remus and James, and kept his mouth shut; he didn't want to talk about it. James looked away from Remus and back at Peter; but it was Remus who provided an answer.

"Too dangerous," he started quietly, "there was a raid there three days ago, rumors of a few death eaters hiding out."

He didn't have to say that though they all might be rule-breakers and semi-delinquents; they were pretty damn scared to go out when it was suspected there were ruthless murderers lurking about.

"But we're all pure-blood!" Peter said indignantly, as if they had nothing to fear. Sirius glared at him stonily.

"Yeah, so we should go out and share the streets with _them_ at night? And then it looks like we're just happy-go-lucky, fine with what _they_ do since we've got the good blood and they won't mess with us? Makes us just as bad, Peter, dammit." Sirius barked harshly, biting ferociously into a cinnamon bun.

"Sorry…I didn't think…about—"

"You never _think_, Peter." Sirius interrupted, turning his back slightly.

James looked up from his food and watched Sirius, then looked back at Peter to see him looking confused and a little hurt. He knew the entire blood-feud, purity war, bullshit, whatever you wanted to call it nettled Sirius in a bad way, what with his family, and his brother even going so far as to join up. He was adamant that everyone know he hated those people with the fire of a thousand suns, and he sometimes despised Peter for his cowardice in wanting to just 'do what people say and stay quiet'.

"Oh, stuff it," Remus snapped suddenly, surprising them all a little, getting up and reaching forward for some buttered bread across the table. "This is supposed to be a birthday party; stop dwelling in darkness. Idiots." He muttered, sitting back down and eating, glaring at them.

"It's only been a week or so since the massacre," Sirius replied edgily, narrowing his eyes.

"And that was an _awful_ thing," Remus replied quietly. He put his hand on the table and rested his chin in it, "But we still have a right to enjoy the good parts of life. It's all we've got."

James blinked, and looked at Remus mildly.

"You sound like Dumbledore," he commented, forking another bite of cake in his mouth. Remus didn't say anything, but Sirius just looked at Peter again, shook his head, downed the rest of his firewhiskey, and dropped the bottle with a loud clang, clapping his hands and leaning back to sprawl out over the bench, his head lolling on the table.

James picked up his own firewhiskey and drank it slowly, waiting for Sirius's next comment.

"Peter, you lost your virginity yet?"

Yeah, there it was, the classic Black silence breaker. James grinned into the bottle and listened to Remus's snort and Peter's outraged sputter.

"It's! That's! None of your…Sirius, I won't—"

"That's definitely a no."

"No! It's not, it's a…out of respect for…"

"Poor little Peter…even Moony has some experience with the fairer sex, you know you really should…"

Sirius's cocky rambling faded off a little as James watched the exchange, eating the cake the house-elves had generously made in his honor. He watched Sirius, only he picking up the slight slump in the way his best friend held his shoulders that showed something was wrong. He couldn't pick up on what it was, but something told him Sirius had messed up with Susanna somewhere.

James licked the back of the fork, succumbing to his chocolate addiction, his mind drifting back to Lily, back in the dorm. She hadn't exactly been invited on his late-night-kitchen-raiding-eighteenth-birthday-bazaar; there hadn't been a full moon in weeks and the marauders had been going stir-crazy. But she'd been acting a little more down and upset than usual since the slaughters at the beginning of March, and he'd left her in the dorm on the floor in front of the couch, eyes slightly red again, pouring over a thick advanced transfiguration book.

He didn't know how she did it. She'd missed all that school and her grades were still the bloody highest in the class. He was level with her in intelligence, the same as Sirius and Remus and many others, the difference being she diligently and obsessively did her work, and received credit for going above and beyond. He used to think she was just psycho, but now he saw the order of it all soothed her. Especially now.

He brought the bottle to his lips again, shaking Lily out of his mind for once, realizing, a little guiltily, how tired he was of the darkness and depression. He slammed down his own bottle, drawing the attention away from Peter and his still in-tact chastity.

"Boys," he started slowly, smirking mischievously, "how long has it been since we graced Filch with our presence?"

* * *

Lily stared hopelessly at Professor McGonagall as the bell rang and students started to shift, thinking of all the homework she already had to suffer through. She swallowed hard, closing her Transfiguration book and slipping it into her bag. For the first time in her life she regretted following through with this damn class. She stood up and pushed her chair in, glancing around fleetingly. Susanna was waiting by the door, leaning against one side of it and glaring at Sirius, who stood across from her. She seemed to be angry, and Lily sighed as she started towards them, turning one last mournful glance at McGonagall's blackboard and the complicated homework written there.

"Just shut the hell up about it,"

"What, you brought it up, _Susanna_, why the fuck should I drop it?"

"It was one comment."

"Sure seemed like there was more to it!"

Susanna's eyes flicked to Lily as she approached and her shoulders stiffened a little; she stood away from the door and swept her hair back over her shoulder, her signature gesture of finality.

"I said _drop_ _it_, Black," Lily heard her snap coldly in a quiet undertone. Sirius took a look at Lily and scowled, turning and slamming his fist into the wall as he left. Lily raised an eyebrow and looked from his retreating back to Susanna.

"What was that about?" she asked gently, following Susanna's slow but determined footsteps out of the classroom. The halls were semi-full of milling students; it was the last class of the day before the Easter Holidays. Susanna shrugged one shoulder minutely.

"Forget it; it was nothing." She muttered, her jaw still set stubbornly. Lily rested her hand on her friend's arm and stopped her, turning Susanna towards her and examining the other girl's cool eyes.

"Suze," she said softly, "You sure you don't want to talk about it? I'll listen." She promised, tilting her head to the side. Susanna pulled her arm away, not roughly but just a less than friendly.

"You can drop it too, Lily," she said slowly, stepping away. Her eyes looked hazardous to Lily, somewhere between blind anger and tears. "_You_ know all about not wanting to talk about something." She added suddenly, a snap in her voice.

Lily blinked at the blow and just watched Susanna turn on her heel and leave, reaching up to adjust the shoulder strap on her bag. She turned away from the direction Susanna had gone and went the other way, making the split decision to skip dinner and go back to the dorm. It wouldn't hurt to get a head start on all this ridiculous homework, and possibly have an enjoyable break.

She pushed Susanna's words from her head and ignored them, instead choosing to think about what she could have been fighting with Sirius about. The other girl hadn't really specified what was going on between she and the marauder, but it didn't take a genius to figure out they were, for lack of a better description 'together'.

It was weird to Lily, but at the same time seemed so obviously perfect. Of course it was Susanna and Sirius. Who else would it ever be? And lately…Sirius was a dark character, but Susanna wasn't sunshine and rainbows. Just in the past few days Lily had noticed maybe some tension. Perhaps, she thought now, she should have paid a little more attention to it.

She closed her eyes and sighed again as she reached the gargoyle to enter her dorm and whispered the password, tapping a complicated pattern onto the stone as well—an extra security precaution.

The fire was lower than it had been in the winter, as it was a few weeks into spring now and the weather was quickly growing temperate. A candle she'd left burning on the coffee table, charmed to stay docile and not cause a fire, filled the room with a soothing lavender scent that James might actually kill her for when he came back and discovered it. She allowed herself a small smile at that.

…maybe she could put one that smelled like roses in his bedroom…

…_Oh my god, they've influenced me…_

She kicked off her shoes behind the couch and shook her head in half-horror, half-amusement at the idea that she'd just contemplated pulling a _prank_.

Once up in her room, Lily left her door wide open so she'd hear if anyone came in and emptied her heavy bag onto the bed, gloomily picking out her potions as the first homework assignment to complete. It was easiest for her, and while some might say 'save easiest for last'…she preferred to make herself feel very competent before she tackled the hard work. Namely that devilish Transfiguration.

First though, she was getting out of this stuffy wool skirt. And the annoying shirt, and scratchy tie. She also couldn't remember ever being this annoyed by her uniform. She was seriously starting to think she'd lost it.

Pulling pranks. Hating a class. Hating her uniform. Enjoying the company of one James Potter.

_Yep. I've definitely lost it. _

Or maybe it was just that the entire wizarding world seemed to have lost it, and she was just adapting to the environment.

As she sat down at her desk dressed in sweatpants and an old t-shirt, she glanced at the beautifully illustrated goodbye card that had been given to her by the sad little fifth year, Hollis Shepard, who she'd comforted after the memorial ceremony. Hollis had had family killed in the Wales Massacre, and Lily had barely gotten a chance to know her before her remaining relatives pulled her from school. She'd apparently made an impression though, because Hollis had given her the card before she left, and a hug.

Shepard wasn't the only one to go. They all tried to ignore the fact that students were being discreetly pulled, even the teachers. Someone would be there one day, gone the next, and not a word would slip a teacher or a student's lips. It scared Lily. She missed Andromeda. She was afraid she'd lost someone else.

She took her quill and began the long-winded potions essay, making it a point not to blot the page and therefore have to copy it over. She breezed through her Charms homework and managed to master the Defense spells she'd been given in under fifteen minutes, though she did reduce her lamp to ashes because of it. Swiveling in her chair, she glared at the offending Transfiguration book on the bed, dreading what was to come. Now…she regretted leaving the most difficult for last.

Schoolwork had always been easy for her. Even in grammar school, before Hogwarts. She'd skipped a grade in grammar and been put in the grade beneath Petunia, probably one of the early reasons her older sister had decided to hate her. Hogwarts was no different. Eager to prove she wasn't any different because she wasn't 'pure blood', she'd rocketed to the top of her class with the barest flick of her wand.

Transfiguration had started to stump her somewhere in fifth year, towards the end, not that she'd tell anybody that. And especially not when James Potter was champion of that class and seemed to just fly through it without cracking a book. She'd hated him for that, certainly. But now…after missing all those lectures while she took her leave before Christmas…Transfiguration was murder. She couldn't get it. Some of these theories were beyond her grasp and she didn't have the patience to grapple with them anymore.

Blowing her hair out of her face, she snatched the book and flipped it open to where her analytical questions lay with the chapter, and her barely started essay. _A study of Animagus: the process, pain, theories, possibilities. _

She wasn't planning on turning herself into a bat. Ergo, she did not see the need to learn this garbage. And yet, she was required to. Damn.

She spread the book open on the desk and rested her forehead in her palms as she poured over the confusing words, wrinkling her brow, trying to make sense of it, getting lost in the time. Her muscles tightened up uncomfortably in frustration and she rolled her head, actually contemplating throwing something just to break it. Susanna's hurtful words echoed back at her and she ignored them; then someone else words and flashed of memories. She shut her eyes tightly.

This is what happened when she was stressed. She unwillingly and unfortunately thought of every other stressful thing in her life and blended it together in a cluster of terrible stress. It was not a character bonus.

"HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, HOGGY-WARTY-HOGWARTS, TEACH US WHAT YOU KNOW!"

Ah. James was back.

Lily glanced at her work, which was getting nowhere, and at the door, listening to him belt out the school's theme song, probably unaware that there was anyone here to listen to him. She bit her lip and then swallowed her pride, seeing no other way.

She took a deep breath.

"_POTTER_!"

She bellowed, her face turned towards the door. Instant silence. Then, the shuffling of feet, padding on the stairs and he appeared in the doorway looking sheepish, and even more so when he saw her at work.

"Erm," he started, smiling impishly, "sorry about the singing," he apologized.

Lily shook her head with a small grin, showing him she wasn't pissed at him—which she realized is what he thought she was yelling about. Her smile faded slightly and she chewed her lip again, throwing a fleeting look down at her book.

"So...right, well, speaking of Transfiguration—"

"But we weren't." he interrupted bluntly. Lily glared.

"You make my life difficult." She muttered. He gave her a funny look and crossed his arms, walking into the room more, as if he were now waiting politely.

"I can't…seem to get this right," she started, gesturing in annoyance at the papers and the book.

James' eyes scanned the titles and he nodded, his eyebrows raising a little. He still waited though. Lily rolled her eyes and looked up at him with a sigh of resignation.

"Can you help me? I need it." She said finally, dropping her quill in defeat. He smiled, a little too triumphantly for her taste. James leaned over next to her, putting one hand on the back of her chair and the other on her book, tracing words as his lips moved. He nodded abruptly.

"No problem," he said, turning and disappearing out of her room.

He was back in a split second, holding a bunch of older looking papers with his frantic writing scrawled all over.

"I've done it," he said non-chalantly in response to her quizzical look. He set down the papers and looked around a moment, before pulling his wand out of his pocket and transforming the bathroom footstool effortlessly into another chair. Lily scowled at it.

James pulled the book closer to him and glanced at her questions.

"The spell is simple really, once you get the theory; you have to stop thinking of it so completely analytically, you can't look at it like it's impossible or incomprehensible you just take the facts and believe them, 'cause that's how it is…"

Lily stared at him as he talked, her mouth open a little. Sure. She'd known he'd always been level with her in classes, and that he was smart, but he seemed to know this like the back of his hand. He explained it so perfectly. She looked from his face to the book, nodding slowly as things started to click a little. He stopped after a moment, and she didn't even register the cessation of his speech until he said her name loudly.

"I said you can practice on me, if you think you've got the hang of it. Or if you want to finish the questions first…" he ended, noticing the horrified look on her face.

Lily stared at him in disbelief. Practice on him. Was he crazy? She didn't trust her ability to think this spell, much less use it on someone she didn't want to permanently reduce to a half-elephant half-dragon or something.

"What…what would I turn you into?" she asked, re-direction the rude question she almost asked (What the hell have you been drinking?) to instead one that made her sound like she had some self-respect.

"A stag," he responded immediately. She swore she saw a flicker of reckless mirth in his chocolate eyes. She looked at him suspiciously, wondering if it had anything do to with his bachelor-playboy reputation with girls. She glanced back down at the papers.

"Maybe," she said quietly, picking up her quill. He leaned back in his pseudo-chair and swiveled a little himself, putting his hands behind his head.

"Hey, Lily," he asked, waiting for her to respond.

"Hmmm?" she asked.

"Why's it so hard for you to ask for help?" he asked.

Lily stopped her aimless scratching of the quill and cocked her head. She turned to look at him a little. And then couldn't believe the next words out of her mouth.

"It makes me feel incompetent."

James snorted.

"That's _stupid_, Evans." He said matter-of-factly. "D'ya know how many people the minister asks for help daily?"

Lily laughed genuinely, responding to his very true comment. It made her think briefly of what Susanna had said. She needed to talk to her friend. She realized she was a little hungry…perhaps she'd go down to dinner. James gave her a sparkling grin as he whirled around in the chair, no doubt bent on making himself too dizzy to walk.

James Potter just might have summed up her problems entirely. Maybe she should have just been asking for help all this time. Sure would have lightened the load.

* * *

**Weaknesses **by Blue October:]


	19. Sorry Hearts

**A/N: This MIGHT seem like a filler chapter, but to me, it's really not. The story, while still shaped and centered around the rape and Lily (and the others) dealing with it, has moved a little away from that and will be focusing on some Death Eater-ish themes, as that's what's taking over their lives and Lily is recovering more and more. I just wanted to clarify that a little. And, I hated writing this chapter. Getting the words out was difficult, and the Shrieking Shack scene was just plane torture to shape. Ugh. **

*****HI! **This chapter has been replaced with a version that has ONE WORD difference, if that makes any sense. **SWAMP MONSTER** pointed out that I had accidentally mentioned Narcissa as Sirius's sister and not cousin. Ooops! So she gets credit for catching that little lazy mistake. :]

**

* * *

****Chapter Nineteen: Sorry Hearts**

Lily read the Daily Prophet with rapt attention as she sipped at her orange juice, putting the goblet down in the next moment without looking and picking up her toast to nibble on it. The passage in the center of the paper wasn't front-page worthy (obviously) but it had caught her eye, and she was currently attempting to read between the lines.

…_though it seems they were intercepted by vigilantes. It has been reported in the past few weeks that a secret organization of wizards has formed to stand against the increasingly horrifying threat of the Dark Lord, with reports (or rumors) of a birdlike symbol appearing in the sky to signal their arrival…could it be true that an organized opposition is rising against the worst threat our world has seen? We chalk it up to wishful thinking, hysteria, and hallucinations…but yet, we can scarcely begin to hope…what's your opinion? Write to…_

Lily stopped reading at the editor's owl address and squinted again at the previous words, taking in the hopeful message. It seemed to her there was more to the story than the _Prophet_ was telling.

"Whatcha find so fascinating, Lil?" Sasha demanded, plopping down next to her and snatching up a pear from the table, straddling the bench and tilting her head at Lily.

It took Lily a moment to answer.

"Er, article about Voldemor—"

"SHHHHHHHHHHH! Li-_lllly_! Don't say that!"

Lily stared at her friend with a bit of a raised eyebrow, and then glanced around to see if anyone else had seen Sasha's over the top and odd reaction. James had frozen, looking amused, with a bagel halfway to his mouth, and Remus was just looking confused.

"Erm. Why, Sasha?" Lily asked, a little patronizingly. Sasha just shook her head with a little smile.

"Everyone says his name is cursed; like he just shows up when you say it…just call him _you_-_know_-_who_. It's safer."

"I'm not calling him that. That's ridiculous." Lily snorted, laying the paper down by her plate and tucking into her bacon. Sasha sighed and shook her head again, turning a fork into some scrambled eggs. Lily furrowed her eyebrows and looked up at Remus, nodding at her paper, knowing he would have read through the entire thing already.

"What's your view on that?" she asked, not having to specify which article. He shrugged, looking neutral.

"Maybe a way for the ministry to keep up morale," he hesitated, fingering his goblet, "but it's not unrealistic. There are plenty of people who won't stand for this kind of violence."

"Oh, every bit of that's true." James said matter-of-factly, nodding pompously at the paper and meeting eyes with his companions. Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Do you double as a Daily Prophet reporter, Potter?" she quipped sarcastically. He smirked and shook his head, wagging a finger at her.

"Good guess. Alas, no. But trust me," he tapped the paper before he leaned over and lifted his bag onto his shoulder, pulling a Transfiguration book out of it and leaping lightly into the aisle, preparing to leave. "That's bona-fide."

"Hey, Lily? Where's Susanna?" Sasha asked, bright and cheery again, wiping her fingers off on a napkin. Lily glanced around the table and shrugged.

"I dunno," she answered, non-committal.

"Why are you guys fighting, then?" Sasha asked intuitively.

Lily gave her a defeated smile.

"Because I tried to find out why she and _Sirius_ were fighting. I was apparently unwelcome." She answered, a little bitterly. Susanna had barely spoken more than two syllables to her since yesterday, and it was hard on Lily. She didn't want to spend all of her free time with the marauders, and Sasha wasn't the sort of company she was looking for most of the time.

"It's because they're in _love_," Sasha informed Lily with a shrug, now licking syrup off of a finger. Seeing Lily's slightly questioning look and pursed lips, she clarified herself: "Susanna and Sirius. Love."

Lily laughed.

"No, seriously, Lils. It's kinda cute."

"What are you _talking_ about, Sash? This is Sirius _Black_ we're discussing. And Susanna…Susanna's the world's biggest cynic when it comes to teenage love."

"I'm telling you…I heard Sirius tell her."

"You…what?" Lily's voice faltered as she stopped eating and looked at Sasha, who licked her last finger and nodded with wide eyes.

Lily chewed the inside of her cheek. Now she really felt betrayed by Susanna. Where had their confidence in each other gone, if she was unaware of that drastic a development in a relationship that, last she officially heard, was built on a mistaken one-night fling. Lily stood up and grabbed her bag, hell-bent on finding Susanna.

"Hey—wait, where are you--?"

She didn't answer Sasha as she left; knowing Susanna would be heading to Transfiguration now since she'd skipped breakfast. She rudely ignored Fabian Prewitt's hello as she stalked up the stairs, her stomach feeling a hollow.

In the corridor outside the Transfiguration room, she saw Susanna curled up at a window, her book open on her knee, a quill out and scratching last notes on the page. She took a calming breath and walked up to her friend, standing silently a moment.

"Hey," she greeted softly, fire fading a little. She didn't want to start a fight. She just wanted her best friend to talk to her.

Susanna looked up and blinked concentration from her eyes, creasing a corner of the book as she shut it and set it next to her on the window seat.

"Lil, hey." She greeted.

"We need to talk," Lily started. Susanna interrupted with a derisive snort.

"What are you, my mother? Don't start, Lily."

"Fine, _can_ we please talk? Come on, Suze."

"Why, Lily? You ever stop to think it's really none of your business? Or maybe I just genuinely don't want to talk? Stop _pushing_ it."

Lily faltered, softened her voice a little more. She stepped closer and sat down on the other edge of the window seat, the sun breaking over her cheek a little, warm.

"We used talk about everything. It's how we beat the rest of the world. What happened? Do you not trust me anymore, or are we just going to lose the friendship?"

Susanna seemed to pause. She shook her head and rolled her eyes to the ceiling.

"You didn't trust me enough to tell me someone was hurting you, nearly killing you. That damages a relationship. I was obviously not 'trustworthy' enough to be someone who you'd let help you, so why should I go on about my petty secrets? You don't need _my_ stress in _your_ life, Lily. And I don't have any reason to put it there."

Susanna's voice was a little too rough for Lily's taste. She turned away momentarily and stood back up, a little angry.

"Alright, Susanna, I think you've made it clear what kind of girl you think I am for keeping my mouth shut. You don't think the stupid, cowardly way I acted eats at _me_, on top of everything else? You can swallow your pride on not being the first to know _all_ of my secrets."

Susanna's head snapped to the side and her eyes blazed, she looked at Lily good and hard.

"I don't think any less of you Lily, you—"

"Save it. I'm trying to lend you an ear because I care about you, and why you're upset. Obviously, that's a privilege I've lost somewhere in the mix."

"Is that what you think?" Susanna has gotten to her feet quickly now, snatching her book and bag off the seat next to her. Lily just shrugged her shoulders and met the other girl's cool eyes, hearing the dull buzz of students starting to reach the top of the staircase.

"What the hell am I supposed to think, when you blow me off and tell me it's 'none of my businesses?"

"It's _none of your business_," Susanna responded in a growl, stepping a little closer.

"You want me to know how it feels to have your best friend shut you out? Is that it? Neither one of us deserves that—"

"I don't want you to know how that feels; its awful. I want you to worry about your own life and not the sorry state of mine!"

"You're the closest friend I have, Susanna, we face things together!"

"Not anymore we don't. You don't want in this mess, Li—"

"I'm asking you to let me in! Let me help!"

"I don't need your _help_!"

Susanna shook her head at Lily and Lily, on the verge of shouting, held back at the sight of tears in the impenetrable Susanna's eyes and the sound of whispering students who'd gathered at the sight of a disagreement. Susanna turned on her heel and walked away, apparently deciding to skive off the class all together.

"She doesn't need anyone's _help_, Evans. Don't take it personally," she heard Sirius mutter behind her. Angry tears springing to her eyes, she rounded on him.

"Don't you dare say a word against her, _Black_, if this has something to do with you—" her threat was interrupted by James's appearance, his chipper smile fading a little at the look on her face.

"You okay, Lily-goat? Looked like a pretty big row—"

"It's none of your business, Potter!" she interrupted sharply, shooting a glare at him. He frowned and stepped back, level with Sirius. "Why are you always around?" she asked exasperatedly, muttering the afterthought, annoyed that she was being so publicly viewed, embarrassed that that fight had happened in general view.

James looked hurt, and then shrugged, nudging Sirius with his shoulder before turning. Sirius, still glaring daggers back at Lily for her unfinished sentence, jerked away from his friends touch and strolled away back towards the staircase they'd come up from, the opposite way as Susanna but in very much the same manner.

Lily groaned and ran her hand through her hair, distracted and upset. She brushed past her clumping classmates and into the classroom, taking a seat in the front gladly and slamming her book forcefully onto the table, flipping it open and resting her elbow on the table and subsequently her head in her palm; she made it clear she didn't want to be spoken to.

* * *

The sky was dark navy blue and immaculate; no clouds in sight to block the full and shining orb that was the May moon. Hogwarts was lit eerily in yellow light from the inside, the gamekeeper's hut was distinguished by a single lantern on the outside, and the grounds were still except for a minute rustling from the winds.

A single shadow moved along the edges of a gargantuan tree that spelled death for those who didn't know how to soothe it; luckily, this shadow did. In one fluid motion, the upright form of a human blended easily into that of a magnificent stag, and bent its body gracefully to slip beneath the cleverly frozen limbs of the Whomping Willow into the rather roomy passage that drifted right into the Shrieking Shack.

Upon entering the dusty and all-but-deserted room that the passage opened into, the silver stag tilted its antlered head at the sight before him and then lowered its chin, a bit disapprovingly.

The werewolf in the corner was normal; Remus lay twisting on his back, looking slightly mad, but happy and calm, nipping at the leg of a chair he'd recently demolished. Out of place was the boy lounging on the bed.

Key word being 'boy' and not 'big fluffy black dog'.

Realizing the danger of his actions, the stag still chose to slowly melt back to the boy James again, and glare reprimanding at Sirius.

"You want to get bitten, you git?" he asked, walking over to the bed and throwing himself on it, keeping a sharp and alert eye on their pal in the corner, ready to react at any moment should the wolf decided to play rough…er.

"Maybe," was Sirius's moody and dark smart ass answer.

James rolled his eyes at his best friend and glanced around, spotting neither a rat nor a scrawny teenage boy look-alike.

"Where's Wormtail?" he asked, eye locked on Remus, who was now chasing his tuft of a tail and snarling viciously at it.

"Scouting the village, see if it's safe to go nick food from Honeyduke's, maybe a drink from Rosie-meeerta." Sirius answered, drawling out his favorite barmaid's name.

"Good. Since he's momentarily absent, you wanna tell me what the problem is?"

James took a moment to take his eyes off of Moony and glare stonily at Sirius. Sirius shrugged his shoulders and picked up a crumpled _Prophet_ from the rickety old bedside table, throwing it roughly at James and then jamming his finger into the head article.

**Prominent Pure-blood Heir Lucius Malfoy caught in questionable activity, may be called dark magic, found in company of a known Death Eater:**

James balled the paper up and chucked it away without reading it, choosing to turn it into a play toy for their favorite wolf. Remus thanked them by catching it in his mouth and shredding it to pieces, barking madly. Sirius snorted, amused by the antics.

"This has got nothing to do with you, Padfoot," James warned, satisfied that Moony was occupied with the paper bits currently attached to his snout.

"Why, yes it does!" Sirius affected a light, matronly type of voice and then scowled sarcastically, his brow darkening. "He's _family_,"

"By marriage to a cousin you hate. You didn't choose your family, and you sure as hell can't pick who they marry." James shook his head and glared at Sirius's bent head. He sat up on the bed and jerked one leg up, angling it to his knee.

Remus let out a loud howl and attacked a cushion they'd brought last time, demolishing it.

"At least _someone's_ having a good time," Sirius snorted.

"Why do you let them get to you like this? You're out of there. You're better than them, and you damn well know it. Enough is enough, mate."

Sirius looked at James and shook his head just barely, his eyes hard. He blinked a minute and shrugged his shoulders, locking his fingers in front of his knees.

"If this blood feud turns into what we all know it will, there will be no trust in this world beyond what family you come from and who's always been on the good side of the equation. I spend my life trying to disassociate myself from that pack of parasitic fiends and I still feel like I wear their actions on _my_ sleeve. Like every time one of them makes the news or does another despicable deed, it reminds everyone of where I came from."

James punched Sirius half-playfully in the arm, rolling his eyes. Sternly, he attempted to pull his friend out of the funk he was wallowing in.

"Find me one person who thinks you're anything other than a Gryffindor through-and-through, mutt, and I'll eat Evans' Potions homework."

Sirius started to snap, but stopped, his brow furrowing.

"Why Evans'?" he asked curiously.

"Least grammatical mistakes. I wouldn't want to eat an idiot's homework." James responded matter-of-factly.

Moony shot across the room suddenly, howling and yapping incessantly, barreling around and knocking things over. Sirius leapt off the bed and morphed into a dog mid-bounce, playfully tackling the werewolf and rolling him over, having spotting the squealing streak of fur that was Wormtail before James.

Shaking and whining, Peter slowly took his usual shape, standing on the bed, looking with dismay at the growling canines on the floor.

"Wh-why does he always do _that_?"

"Because it's funny." James responded, deadpan.

Peter shook his head, his face pale and a little sweat. He yelled in surprise when Sirius suddenly landed on his back on the bed, full-human form and all, his arms crossed behind his head, looking mockingly at Peter.

"Is Rosemerta longing for me, Wormy?" he asked, nodding assuredly. Wormtail stammered something under his breath and continued to stare warily at Remus, slowly starting to speak.

"I wouldn't go out there tonight, guys," he warned.

"Aww, what the hell, Pete? Did you hear a ghost?" Sirius asked patronizingly, snorting.

"No," snapped Peter, actually sounding sure of himself for once. Sirius raised an eyebrow and glanced at James, who shrugged.

"Well, then _why_ not, rat boy?" Sirius demanded.

"It's like a wasteland out there. No activity, at all. Shops are locked up. Barely a light. Not even at the Hog's Head."

James and Sirius looked at each other, a feeling of dread hanging in the air.

"It's spooky," Peter offered.

"Nice observation. You'd give Merlin a run for his money, with brains like that." Snapped Sirius sardonically. James gave him a pointed look.

"Why, though?" Wormtail asked, crossing his legs as he sat down, his eyes spastically flicking to Remus.

"Fear," James supplied. "All these attacks, rumors, people you can't trust running around in the dark…this is getting dangerous."

"No one's coming near this shack, Prongs," Sirius said sharply, as if he knew what James was thinking, "Not with the rumors Dumbledore lets loose."

"It's exactly the kind of place they'd hole up, Padfoot. Perfect."

Peter squeaked in fear and looked at them with wide eyes.

"Death Eaters?" he asked hoarsely.

The other two boys ignored him.

"What're you suggesting, James?" Sirius asked angrily, rounding on him. James held up a palm to hold him off, backing down.

"Nothing," he said coolly, but his eyes calculating, "just warning. We need to be more careful."

"I miss the days when we didn't give a fuck," Sirius commented roughly.

"We do give a fuck, now." James responded coldly. Sirius looked at him briefly and nodded tightly, his lips pressed together.

"Your foul mood got anything to do with Susanna and Lily?" James asked suddenly, anger pricking at him at this damper on their usually enjoyable full moon escapades.

"Why," Sirius started dangerously in response, "would there little broad's row put _me_ in a foul mood?"

"They're fighting over whatever happened with Farris and you. Lil figures it was something you did."

"Well, Evans didn't hang the moon, Prongs," Sirius snarled in response.

"What's that suppose to mean?" James demanded, sensing hostility.

"You—"

"Erm…guys?" Peter broke in softly, looking nervous. James and Sirius put slapped their mouths shut, appeasing the smaller boy.

Sirius turned in the next moment to yell something when he was caught off by a loud barking howl. All three of them turned to find that their werewolf companion had finally realized that there were three humans in the room. He stared at them, drool dripping from his fangs, before something snapped in his muddy brown eyes and he leapt at the bed—

—just in time to meet the stags antlers as they caught him and knocked him away from the bed, snarling. The black dog ran him down and bit down on his neck, holding him down as he struggled, gently but firmly, and as Moony calmed the only sound was the terrified squeaking of Peter-turned-rat.

Prongs gracefully stepped back from the dog and the werewolf. Padfoot released his grip on Moony as the wolf snarled at them and slunk to a back corner, turning to nurse the side were Prong's antlers had gashed his side a little. The dog's eyes looked to the stags, checking to see if they remained uninjured, and the stag bowed its head, affirming.

Sirius wagged his tail and flopped down, rolling around on his back, looking carefree. James took it as a sign that they should spend the rest of what might be their last 'normal' full moon night like always. Goofing off.

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They snuck back the next morning in near darkness; the summer months brought on dark mornings and light nights, providing easy cover for three delinquent animagi and a werewolf to get back to their beds without being caught.

Holding the map to his nose and supporting an exhausted Remus with one arm, James stopped outside the castle entrance and beckoned Sirius forward, his brow furrowed. He pointed to the mass of black dots gathered at the foot of the grand staircase and in the great hall.

"What the…?"

Sirius muttered, looking at the ungodly amount of students awake at five a.m. and back at the doors to the school's entrance.

"Check for teachers," he muttered, glancing over the map himself.

They were all gathered in the Great Hall, except for the one lone dot that was hurrying from her office to the dinner place. Sirius nudged James forward and beckoned to Peter behind him, pocketing the map and nodding.

"Students won't notice really, or they'll just think we snuck out again like usual," he justified, shrugging.

A sinking feeling at the meaning of all the students awake settled over James as he adjusted Remus's weight and opened the huge front door of the castle, slipping in the smallest crack he could manage.

He heard a dull sound, not the usual excited buzz of students, and his stomach lurched a little. He thought he heard sniffles, and crying.

"What's going on?" Sirius hissed in his ear, taking Remus's other arm and jerking him upright a little. Remus opened one bleary eye and peaked around, muttering something about sheep and going back into a trance-like sleep, Sirius gave him a weird look. James nudged Sirius's arm and nodded; He'd found Lily at the edge of the group, looking around. They started towards her, just in time to witness Alice Willow break out of the crowd and run towards the redhead, throwing her arms around Lily's neck in a hug.

"Lily," James grunted as they got in earshot, cursing Remus's dead weight. She pulled away from Alice slightly and he saw they were both crying, Alice more of a mess than Lily. "What's going on? What happened?" James demanded, looking from one distraught girl to the other.

"F-Fenrir Greyback murdered E-Eleazer…Lon-Longbottom…" Lily managed, closing trembling lips and shaking her head.

"Franks _dad_," Alice shuddered, burying her head in Lily's neck and sobbing.

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Sorry Hearts by **Blue October**

**I really hope there aren't any catastrophic spelling mistakes. I edit this myself, and its been a late night, so I slacekd off. I know a lot of you have mentioned those, and I'm aware that they are there. But I'm writing and performing beta-services, so but me a little slack, eh? Much obliged :] Review? Please? I shall auction of James as a bribe...**


	20. You Make Me Smile

**A/N: MUCH, much lighter chapter, with a bit of fluff you might enjoy. It actually is a big set up for two major events in the next two or three chapters, one of which will be the pivotal point in marking the beginning of the end of the story. Ah, god bless Spring Break! Giving me all this time to write...thank you for all the lovely reviews, I appreciate it:]**

**Binka Fudge: **I couldn't reply to your reviews, so here it goes: I loved reading them. It's really insightful to see what people think about each little bit of my story, and yours definitely have me some insight! I'm glad you seem to like it so much, and you share a lot of the same views I do about the world and what happened (in the story, that is) So thank you! Very much!

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****Chapter Twenty: You Make Me Smile**

Lily swiveled around in her chair, chewing on the tip of her quill and furrowing her brow at the last five inches of her Transfiguration essay. She couldn't find the words to explain the final effect—probably because she didn't quite understand it; where was James when you needed him? Maybe she could bribe him to write the rest for her…

Lily pulled the quill from her mouth and shook her head, groaning inwardly. Yes, she definitely had to stop associating herself with them. They were rubbing off.

Sighing, Lily pulled her chair back to the desk and bent over the parchment, giving it a good glare, her eyes flicking from it to the just as unwelcome fancy cardstock propped against her stack of books from home. A letter from Petunia, not the friendliest, and another thing, complete with calligraphy and a lace trim. Wedding invitation.

"GIVE ME MY BROOMSTICK."

"I think the bristles are shiny and groomed enough now, Prongs—"

"GIVE. IT. BACK. NOW."

"You really worry we me, with all the caressing you do of it…the loving looks, maybe you oughta get a girl mate, if you—"

A loud crash and a thud sounded downstairs and Lily looked suspiciously at her open bedroom door, scared to get up and investigate what they were doing in the common room that involved an angry James and his precious broomstick.

"Bloody _HELL_, James!"

_Whack_.

"See, look, you bent the bristles again—"

"Get off the table; Evans will throw a _fit_ if you leave footprints—"

"Oh, _whoops_…"

"SRIRIUS DAMMIT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER WHEN SHE SEES THAT!"

Lily stood up; the worst images coming to mind of what Sirius could have possibly done to her favorite coffee table, the one she ate on, did her homework on, rested her back against…she placed a stern look on her face as she descended a few steps and took in the scene without announcing her presence.

James's homework was all over the room, and there was no exaggeration there. Sirius was standing with one foot on the table and one on the ground, and James had his broomstick held away from his body and Sirius, glaring at the mischievously grinning other boy in dismay.

Starting down the stairs a little more, Lily's eyes narrowed a little as she caught sight of the mud on the table from Sirius's feet. Obviously, they'd recently been back from Quidditch practice.

James had enough brains to clean up, after the last time he'd come in before Christmas and she'd gone ballistic over his muddy robes on the couch. She'd never forget the shell-shocked and frightened look on his face.

Lily smirked as James spotted her and backed up, pointing a finger.

"I warned him. I _warned_ _him_." He said, laying all blame at Sirius's feet.

Lily looked at the mud smears on the beloved coffee table and looked up at Sirius, who grinned at her winningly.

"Sirius. Black. Should I pretend that mud isn't there while you _get rid of it_?" she asked sweetly.

"Mud, what mud? Oh. That mud." Sirius said, looking down. He looked at her sheepishly and pulled his hand out from his back pocket, flicking it desperately at the mess on the table. His spell half worked; it covered the table in soap and water and sent Sirius flying on his back, eliciting a cry of panic.

James exploded into peals of laughter and Sirius glared at him as he righted himself, gingerly getting to his feet on the floor and waving his wand a little more carefully at the semi-mess this time, successfully ridding the table of all soap and mud and cleansing his robe in the process.

"I was expecting you to be scarier. Considering what Jamesie here said about the robe—"

"Hey, Sirius, what the hell are you talking about?" James interrupted quickly; shaking his head like Sirius was insane. Sirius shrugged with a wicked smile.

"Don't stand on that table again. Or I _will_ be scary." Lily threatened, still smiling for her amusement at his fall. He saluted her comically.

"Yes _ma'am_."

Lily raised an eyebrow and shook her head, looking with distaste at the mess of papers and books all around before she started back to the staircase.

"You mind keeping the noise to a dull roar? I'm trying to work," she muttered, going back up to her room and pushing the door to a marginal crack. She flopped back in her chair and tapped her fingers on the desk, looking at the invitation again. She chewed on her lip and picked up her quill again, dipping it into the ink, determined to finish this essay before the weekend. Tomorrow as Friday and she had two classes; she sure didn't want to be stuck with this junk.

Other then the occasional shouts and the ever-present dull thuds or periodic crashes, James and Sirius did manage to quiet down. Or at least, to not be ridiculously loud. As she was finally putting up her completed Transfiguration essay and Potions ingredients study, she thought it had gotten eerily quiet.

At that moment, James barged into her room, attempting some sort of half-knock on the wall as he gave her a perky wave and threw himself violently on the bed, messing up her carefully arranged pillows and immaculately folded blankets. She gave the once-nice arrangement a dismayed look.

"May I help you?" she asked pointedly. James gave an exaggerated yawn and slowly dragged himself up, lounging back against the ruined pillows and the headboard.

"Now that you mention it, I could use a hug."

"Want me to tell Sirius to come back?" Lily asked innocently.

"Not bad, Evans." James responded approvingly, glad to see her participating in some light banter.

He'd notice her do it more often now, instead of just flipping out at him, and he enjoyed it. He reached over to the bedside table, picked up a book and flipped through it carelessly, then threw it next to him and moved onto a snow globe that had little trees surrounding a cabin on a lake in it.

"How do they get it to snow in there?" he asked, his brow furrowing, sounding genuinely confused. Lily's eyebrows shot up.

"It's…er, not really snow, James." She informed him. He looked at her mildly and frowned, shaking the snow globe roughly.

"Then what is it?"

"I…I don't know, actually."

"Why do they call it a snow globe if it's not snow?"

"Erm. It looks like snow?"

"But it's _not_."

"Is that…a really big problem or something?" Lily asked slowly, at a loss for an explanation for his mood.

"Well. _Yeah_, Lily. It's misleading. And that's just rude."

She stared.

"Why don't they call it a white-speckles-falling-down-impersonating-snow-globe?"

He lowered the snow globe from his face and looked at her, his eyes dancing with mirth, eyebrows still raised sweetly.

"I'll get back to you on that." Lily informed him, turning slowly in the chair to clean up the ink spots on her desk and furrowing her brow. Sometimes, she really didn't know what to think of him. She didn't know if he was amusing, annoying, or just plain crazy.

It was probably the latter.

"Hey, who's the bride?" He had appeared at her side and snatched up Petunia's invitation before she could stop him. She made a snatch at it and a noise of protest but was a second too late; his eyes were scanning over the swirly black lettering she'd already memorized.

_Sister of the Bride_

_You are cordially invited to witness the vows of_

_Petunia Evans_

_and _

_Vernon Dursley_

_on_

_May 9__th__ at 5:00 in the afternoon_

_by Lisabeth and Edward Evans; parents of the bride._

_*reply card is included._

Lily watched him patiently, waiting for him to finish, holding out her palm. He placed the invitation in it with a nod when he was done and pulled the note up to his nose. Lily jumped up and grabbed at it but he stepped back.

"Don't read that," she snapped, not wanting him to see Petunia's petty little note. She recalled every word of it.

…_Mum and Daddy have forced me to send you an invitation in order to keep up appearances that you are, in fact, normal, so here you are. I've also been told to say I very much want you to be there and it would mean a lot to me. But really, don't inconvenience yourself…Tuney._

James made a face at the letter and tossed it down on the desk, his lips turned down, and an eyebrow raised in evident surprise.

"I have an older sister," Lily broke the silence, putting the invitation and note on her desk in the cover of a book, pushing her chair in.

"I knew that, I didn't know she was, er…"

"A bitch?"

James looked caught off guard at her harsh description of her sister. Lily snorted.

"Yeah, neither did we until I got my Hogwart's letter," she informed him strolling over to the armchair by the bookcase and sitting down, curling her feet into the chair with her.

James slid down on the floor, leaning against the bed. He rolled his head on his shoulders and reached up to massage a sore muscle from the strenuous quidditch exercises he'd run today.

"So, what, she's jealous so she treats you like that?" he inquired, scratching his neck and raising his eyes to Lily. She shrugged a little.

"I don't know, maybe. We got along great when we were kids…just after I got my letter, she got it into her head that Mum and Dad liked me better, like they thought I was special and set me up before her. They were just interested, really, and pre-occupied with learning what they could before sending me off at that age to a world they didn't understand…and Tuney…"

Lily ran unwrapped a hair band from her wrist and swept her hair up, shrugging again and resting her arm on her knee.

"Everything was a competition then. And she played the victim all the time, picked at me, accused them of favoritism…called me a freak. I used to feel really bad, and guilty, and play nice trying to reach out to her."

James nodded.

"Used to? What happened, then?"

"I got sick of pandering to her. I realized I didn't actually _do_ anything to her. It's nice to _not_ feel guilty over something I had no control over, finally."

Saying it, she realized it was true. She finally had quite feeling guilty over Petunia and let herself enjoy what she had and not constantly worry about appeasing Petunia for what she didn't. Lily allowed herself a small, triumphant smile that she wasn't aware James noticed.

"So, you call her 'Tuney'? Why not 'Petty'?" he asked, sounding suspiciously innocent in his suggestion.

Lily laughed at his play on words, nodding appreciatively.

"_There's_ a thought," she acknowledged, imagining the smoke spilling from her sister's ears if she were to ever put on a sweet face and seriously call her that in front of others.

James reached up and messed with his hair, making it stick up in five different directions.

Amused, Lily giggled again and rolled her eyes, reaching down to rub her thumb along the arch of her foot absent-mindedly.

"Did you hear Barty Crouch, Jr. got arrested?" she asked suddenly, wondering if he'd heard anything from his father. She'd seen it in the paper, a slight mention on the back page, no doubt put there because the ministry didn't want _that_ getting out. Luckily for her, she read every word of the paper front to back for just that reason.

"Suspected involvement in dark practices and grotesque use of the Cruciatus Curse, yeah, his father's throwing a fit about it. Says Moody—Alastor, from my parent's party? His partners caught him—anyway, Crouch, Sr. says Moody's gone dark-wizard catching mad and can't distinguish good from bad anymore."

"What do you think?" Lily asked, remembering the creeping feeling the younger Crouch had given her at the Potter's Christmas party. His slightly jumpy eyes had roamed the people around him too nervously, and she just hadn't liked the hunched and uncomfortable look of him.

"He used to pluck the wings off of dragonflies when I was a kid, at the parties. I don't like him."

Lily nodded, still massaging her foot with her hand, giving it something to do, a self-soothing sort of motion. She looked over at her bookcase and tilted her head into her palm, scratching behind her ear and sitting in silence.

"So are you going to Petty's wedding?"

_Damn_.

Either he'd known she was changing the subject in order to not make that decision, or he was just a nosy git. Well…it was probably a bit of both, in James's case.

"I would really disappoint my parents if I didn't…but why should I, really? She clearly doesn't want me there, and If I went she'd just _love_ claiming I'd come to show her up on _her_ day and _steal_ the limelight…"

Lily broke off with a groan and rubbed her forehead, glancing at him and scowling.

"Do what makes _you_ comfortable," James suggested with a non-chalant shrug.

She looked at him. She felt like it should be that easy, but it was her parents' reactions that she was afraid of. She didn't want it to hurt them that she was for once not being the martyr sweet daughter and coming to support her sister…but she _really_ didn't want to go to this infernal wedding.

James had gotten up and was looking cursorily over the invitation again.

"If you're worried about your parents, I'm sure they'll understand. Tell them security's tight and you've missed school too much already—"

"It's a Saturday."

"Hey, I'm trying to help."

Lily smiled a little, knowing she was making excuses herself, being noble as usual.

"It's…May ninth is a Hogsmeade weekend. I mean, on top of all the security and stuff, if you already _had_ plans…"

"But I don't. That's two weeks off."

James looked like he was hesitating. He quit fingering the invitation and turned around, leaning against the corner of her desk and crossing his arms across his chest.

"You could say you were going to Hogsmeade with me…and you could, you know, actually go with me…or not, because I don't know what, or if. Um."

Lily tilted her head at him, pursing her lips in an effort not to giggle at him, and at the same time hesitant. She stopped rubbing her foot and scratched her nose, something she usually did when she was embarrassed or shy.

She thought about her parents' reactions…and figured it would, in the end, please Petunia and herself more if they just steered clear of each other. She didn't want to hurt her parents, but what mattered here was her comfort and she sure as hell wasn't comfortable sitting through Petunia's wedding to that abominable mountain of a man. She thought of writing her declining letter with distaste, and turned back to James, her hand moving to her ear to twist the diamond studs she wore there.

"Right, so I just tell them I have plans that weekend," she informed him, standing up and moving to stand beside him, taking a spare quill and marking the 'Will not be attending' box decisively.

"Yeah? Glad I could help." He said.

"I'll be in Hogsmeade with you," she added.

"What? You will?"

"Are you taking back the invitation? Because that would be rude. And then I'd be lying."

James shook his head quickly, holding up a hand.

"No, _no_. I'm _not_ taking it…really?" He asked, scratching his head, looking truly confused this time. Lily rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her, the letter gripped in two fingers.

"Really," she stated, nodding as if to a little child. "You _can't_ bring Sirius," she added as an afterthought, warningly.

"I was _not_ going to." James responded resolutely.

Lily nodded, unsure of what exactly she'd just agreed to, and what exactly she was doing. But it made her smile, and she needed that. She was starting to focus more and more on things that made her smile now, when there was still such a haunting ghost at her back and everywhere they turned the future seemed to be getting darker.

"Owlery?" she asked, holding up the letter. He nodded, and she walked past him out the door.

On the second stair from the stop, he called her name and she turned; he walked towards her slowly, with his hands in his robes pocket.

"My dad's in court all next week…with the Crouch trials, and a few other nasty indictments," he hesitated, not sure if she wanted him to bring it up. After a second, he plunged on; realizing she of all people would want to know. It's probably why his dad had written him anyway.

"He's doing final judgments on…Mulciber's case." He said.

Lily's eyes hardened and betrayed no emotion for a moment before she nodded briskly and turned back to the stairs, her palm running along the banister. He took the steps behind her, glad to sense no major shift in her previous good mood.

"Remind me to thank him, James. For everything he's done for me," Lily said lightly, pushing open the passage door and leading the way to the Owlery.

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You Make Me Smile by **Blue October**

**Review! Please? :]**


	21. Kangaroo Cry

**A/N: Another quick update! I excite even myself! Another slightly fluffy chapter, but sadly I slide back into the dark just a little. Never fear; it will turn out okay. Umm...sorta, considering it is Lily and James and we all know how it technically turns out...okay, anyway. Read on! And Thanks to my reviewers, as always!**

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**Chapter Twenty-One: Kangaroo Cry**

"What's taking James so _loooong_?" whined Sasha, twirling a lock of hair around her finger and looking at it with interest.

"Maybe he got lost," Susanna suggested, flipping through a copy of _Witch_ _Weekly_ non-chalantly, not looking up at anyone.

"In his own room?" Sasha responded skeptically.

"It's actually a possibility," Lily stated, looking over from where she was dusting off a short bookcase in the corner.

"Will you stop cleaning?" Sasha groaned, twisting around to look at Lily over the back of the couch. Lily looked up and shook the rag at her friend menacingly, with a small grin.

"Don't worry about Jamesies, he's just got to gather up the cards from around his shrine to Evans in the closet—"

_WHACK_.

"James, if you do not stop hitting me, we're going to have a talk."

"If you tell my mother again, I'll just kill you next time."

They boys glared at each other, as James threw the deck of exploding snap cards into Remus's lap. Remus sat up from his spot on the floor and scooted up to the table, shuffling them obediently.

"I'm going to have to let Frank know he's right about his theory," Alice commented, shaking her head at Sirius as he glared at James playfully from the arm chair. James raised his eyebrows at her, leaning on the back of it.

"Oh? And just what is _Frankie's_ theory?" he asked.

"That the reason Black's so brain dead is because you hit him too hard,"

Lily laughed, and drew a look of betrayal from James. Sirius leapt out of the chair away from James and pointed accusingly.

"I am a victim here, a _victim_! I knew it. You've been sabotaging me…you're afraid of my incredible intelligence, I threaten you…you selfish bastard…" Sirius clicked his tongue like a disapproving matron and shook his head dramatically.

James shrugged and stole Sirius's place in the chair, sitting in it sideways with his feet hanging over the edge. Sasha slid off the couch and knelt at the table; Alice scooted up, too, and sat cross-legged next to Remus.

"Everyone playing?" Remus asked, looking up from his expert shuffling and glancing around. Lily dropped her rag and made her way over, ignoring James's attempt to trip her, and sat down warily across from Alice, placing her right at Sirius's feet. He leaned down with a wide grin and blew in her ear. Just to be obnoxious. She swatted him away and scowled; James stretched a leg out and kicked him in the shin.

"Deal me in," Sirius said, "I'll be ready to play momentarily," he advanced toward the arm chair, cracking his knuckles at James. James stuck his tongue out childishly.

They were supposed to be seventeen and eighteen, right?

"I'm not playing," Susanna said from her place. She sat on the floor against the armchair across from James's, still looking through the _Witch_ _Weekly_ magazine without really contributing to the conversation.

"Why are you here?" Sirius snapped suddenly, causing everyone to fall silent. He had stopped his pursuit of James and looked across the room in annoyance at her. Lily looked at him and then at Susanna, half-wondering the same thing herself.

They'd spoken civilly since their public argument three days ago, but it was like she spoke to Petunia when they were putting on a front for neighbors or distant cousins. They talked school work, mentioned Andromeda if she'd sent a letter, but beyond that, nothing. Susanna was cold and Lily was reluctant to push her for a talk again at the risk of being screamed at.

Susanna looked up from the magazine sharply at Sirius, her cold eyes narrowed. James let out a low whistle, and Remus cleared his throat.

"I was invited," Susanna replied calmly.

"So you could sit there like a Queen lording herself over us all?" Sirius goaded.

"Hey, mate," James started, warningly. Susanna just looked at him a moment longer and then returned to the magazine, which surprised both Lily and Sasha. They met each other's eyes, never having known their friend to back down from a direct challenge/insult.

"Why don't you just play with us, Suze?" Sasha asked brightly.

"Let her be," Alice said suddenly, receiving a quick and thankful glance from Susanna. Lily felt a pang of jealousy. She wasn't stupid enough to think Susanna had spilled her guts to Alice; they had never really seen eye to eye, but it was still Alice who had stuck up for Susanna and not her, which she now felt she should have done no matter how displeased they were with each other.

"Whatever," Sirius muttered, abandoning his games with James and wiggling in beside Remus and Lily, shoving them out of his way rudely.

"Hey, you _oaf_!" Lily yelped, slapping his shoulder. James plopped down next to Lily and drew a handful of knuts out of his pocket.

"I'm betting seven of these babies that Sirius either wins or dies before the end of this game."

"What? Why 'dies'?!" Sirius demanded.

"Someone will definitely kill you by the end of this game," James responded matter-of-factly.

"We're not gambling," Lily said, scooting back a little and shaking her head. "No."

"That's…yeah, probably not a good idea," Alice agreed, meeting Lily's eyes.

"You're doing that thing where you're no fun again, Evans," Sirius said, shaking his head with a sigh.

"Students aren't allowed to gamble! And I'm head girl!"

"But the _head_ _boy_ just initiated the gambling…_sooooooo_…"

"It's harmless, Lils, come on!" Sasha giggled, tossing a silver Sickle onto the table. "I'll take your bet, Potter. 'Cept I think Susie'll kill him."

Susanna giggled quietly from behind the magazine.

"Anymore bets?"

"I'm going to bet a galleon that I _don't_ die," Sirius grumbled.

"_That's_ a risky wager, Black," Susanna said mildly. Lily snorted.

"Lilllly? Alllllice?" James called, wiggling his eyebrows and pointing to the pile of gambling money.

"No," Alice said resolutely.

"Huh-uh." Lily said, shaking her head. Remus shook his as well.

"Fine. Remus, deal to the rainers-upon-the-parade first." James ordered, shaking his head in mock disappointment at the girls. After everyone had their cards and had looked over them, they began the game, chattering alternately about recent rumors both in school and in the papers, and which teacher was pissing them off the most.

Susanna stretched out her feet a little and rested the open _Witch Weekly_ on her knees, stretching her arms up and watching the game lazily. Sasha, who had scooted closer to Susanna and was saying something to her in a low whisper, smiling, glanced down at the magazine and suddenly snatched it.

"Oh my god, look at these wedding announcements," she said, calling everyone's attention. Susanna's eyes widened slightly and she made a grab at the paper that Sasha foiled by holding up her arm and blocking the other girl's.

"Andromeda must be miserable—"

"Sasha Webber, _don't_," snarled Susanna. Lily looked at her worriedly at the sound of her voice. Sasha gave Susanna an odd look and scooted away.

"Why are you being so _scary_? Bellatrix got married, Sirius," Sasha announced lightly, her eyes scanning over the page. "Oh, look, and so did Didyme Bones—and hey! No one told me my cousin was getting married—"

"To who?" Sirius interrupted sharply. "Why would Andy be miserable?" he asked, looking rather dangerous.

"Give me that magazine, Sasha." Susanna glared at her.

"To…Rodolphous Lestrange, heir to the Clover fortune…says their marriage cost over seventy thousand galleons, whoa, lucky bride—"

"Lestrange? Bella married _Lestrange_?" Sirius interrupted quietly, his face going white.

Lily swallowed. Remus and James glanced at each other, and Alice leaned back from the table onto her heels. They all knew what kind of family he came from, not to mention what he'd been suspected of lately. Susanna had bitten her lip and was looking at Sirius with something like apology in her eyes. She jerked her magazine away from Sasha.

"_What_?" Sasha demanded innocently, looking at everyone like they'd gone mad. Sirius threw his cards down, where they promptly exploded with a loud _pop_! And got up, wiping of his hands and throwing Susanna a nasty glance.

"I suppose I'm really not good enough now," he spat, strolling out of the dorm by way of the passage before anyone had a second to respond.

Sasha twisted around to follow his past, her mouth fallen open.

"What—"

But her disbelieving question was cut off by Susanna brushing by her, magazine rolled up in her hand, and following Sirius out of the room without saying a word to any of them. Lily thought she saw tears in the other girl's eyes.

"What the fuck is _wrong_ with them?" Sasha asked, her light-hearted demeanor faltering a little as she turned around and set perturbed blue eyes on them all.

James didn't answer, he rubbed his hand over his mouth without saying anything and avoided everyone except Remus's eyes as he thought back to the conversation he'd had with Sirius about his relatives in the Shrieking Shack. He didn't know if Remus recalled any of that, but he suspected the marital news had been just the straw to break the proverbial camel's back.

"Did you hear from Andromeda about this?" Remus asked Lily after a minute, picking up Sirius's card after they had righted themselves and sliding them back into the deck. Lily shook her head slowly.

"The last letter she sent me was full of complaints about the way Lucius treated Narcissa…she didn't mention Bellatrix at all. Sasha?" Lily asked, wondering if she'd heard anything. Sasha shrugged her shoulders and shook her head, looking lost.

"You think his own family would have told him," Alice put in sympathetically. James snorted.

"Nah, they wouldn't have. He's been disowned."

"What?" Alice gasped. James nodded.

"He ditched those slimy gits. Lives at my place." He supplied.

Lily vaguely recalled learning that bit of information while James was being questioned before Christmas, but Alice looked surprised, as well as Sasha. Remus, of course, would have already known this.

"That's terrible," Alice said, shaking her head. "Well, not that he lives with you James. That his family is so awful to him. Frank always said they were garbage but I liked to think…" she trailed off and sighed, shaking her head. Lily leaned back and uncrossed her legs, stretching them out in front of her and resting back on her arms. She hesitated before asking:

"How _is_ Frank, Alice?"

Alice lifted a shoulder, her eyes growing brighter with tears.

"He's…he's okay, I think. He's supposed to come back to school this week, his mum wants him to finish his education but he just…he wants to fight, I think. His dad was his hero." She explained softly.

"I'd want revenge, too." James said.

"It won't do anyone any good, though." Alice said, turning her brown eyes to him. Lily smiled sadly at her. Alice was so sweet, so compassionate. She always would be.

"Everything's always sad nowadays," Sasha sighed, standing up and pulling her hair out of a ponytail.

She ran her hands through it and shook it out, then putting her hands on her hips.

"Since we've stopped playing and you guys look like you're gonna start in on depressing stories, how about we distract ourselves with dinner?"

It was probably the pleading in her sweet eyes and the touch of desperate hope in her voice that made them all agree. Remus gathered all the cards and handed them to James, who chucked them in a disorganized pile onto Lily's clean bookcase. She gave him a dirty look.

"I'll pick it up!" he promised, rolling his eyes. Lily just shook her head, knowing exactly who would go OCD and pick it up. She would.

"I really hope there's Sheppard's pie tonight…I've been wanting that all day…" moaned Sasha, skipping along the hallway and drawing a few strange looks from the younger classmen. She waved happily at them.

On the second floor, Lily and Remus, who were deep in discussion about a new theory in Defense, almost trampled a mass of long blonde curls that had been hurrying their direction, apparently not seeing them.

"Ooops!"

"Are you okay?"

"It was my fault…"

Remus offered a hand to the girl, and as she stood up and smiled a little ,brushing her knees off, Lily recognized her as the fifth-year Hollis Shepard she'd spoken with after the Muggle Massacre.

"Hey, Hollis," she greeted warmly.

"Lily," she nodded breathlessly, "Antonius sent me looking for—oh, James, hi." She broke off, apparently finding her target. Lily moved out of the way so James could step up to see what Hollis wanted. Hollis smiled flatteringly at him and Lily glanced at James to see his reaction. Then she caught herself and looked away, brow furrowed.

"What's Antonius want?" James asked, referring to one of his Quidditch players and a sixth-year prefect.

Lily remembered Hollis as Antonius's girlfriend and felt her shoulders loosen a little.

"No, not him. He was supposed to find you but he asked me to," she finally caught her breath and straightened up a little, "to help him. McGonagall wants to see you in her office."

"I didn't do anything." James said instantly.

Remus sniggered and Hollis looked amused as she glanced at the rest of the group. James frowned suspiciously, and looked over his shoulder at Remus, who shrugged and shook his head, holding his palms up.

"_I_ didn't do anything …unless she found out about that toad and thinks it was you…but that was _all_ Sirius, I just kept watch…"

"What toad?" Lily and Alice demanded at once. Sasha giggled. Apparently Sasha knew about the toad.

"Oh, _nothing_."

"I'm supposed to tell you it's urgent, James." Hollis broke in, sounding a little impatient.

"Er, okay. Thanks, Hollis…I guess," he muttered, shrugging at them and walking in the opposite direction towards McGonagall's office. Hollis sighed and turned to go toward the nearest staircase.

"Hey, how'd you do on that Care of Magical Creatures essay?" Lily asked, turning to shout after the blonde girl. Hollis turned around and gave her a thumbs up and big smile.

"Terrific, you helped a _lot_. Thanks, Lily. I'll see you around!"

Lily beamed and waved, turning to find that her companions had started on without her. Catching up and berating Alice and Sasha for letting the boys drag them off without her, she and Alice spend the rest of the way to the great hall pestering Remus about this toad incident.

"FINE, if you get Alice to stop looking at me like I killed her puppy, I'll tell you. But if any of you tell Sirius you know I'll be forced to take drastic measures," he relented, sitting down between her and Sasha and helping himself to the first plate of food he came too.

_Apparently_, this was the side of Remus Sasha was always talking about. The marauder side that Lily had always diligently maintained he was too smart to have. And surprisingly, she liked it. It was better than the slightly sad demeanor he always had around him.

Lily took a seat across from them, alone, so she could see them better and waited, pouring a generous amount of pumpkin juice.

"So, before he left, Peter found this gigantic toad in his bed, at the foot, just sitting there croaking like mad, and he threw a fit…it was funny, you had to be there, but Sirius gets this brilliant idea to lock it in McGonagall's sock drawer and let the croaking drive her up the wall—you know, since she told him once that toads would fly before he'd ever get away with anything under her nose…he really wanted to get away with it…and so far, he has…he heard her snapping about finding the toad to Slughorn but she hasn't caught on yet,"

Sasha burst into giggles and Alice stared at Remus with wide eyes.

"How did you get into her _room_?" she whispered, as if she was being unclean by just talking about such a breach of the rules.

"I can't tell you that. I'd have to kill you." Remus said, zipping his lips and returning to his food.

"Wait," Lily said slowly, having been distracted by something Remus said at the beginning. "Pettigrew left? When?" she asked.

"Right after the full moon," Remus responded. He stopped and looked up quickly; Lily was looking at him oddly, with raised eyebrows.

"Err…we don't measure time in moons, Remus." Sasha said, giggling. He blushed and muttered an apology, then said something about like Astronomy a lot.

"I, er. I meant about a week ago." He said. Lily sat back a little and frowned. She didn't remember James mentioning it, but then again, perhaps he was upset and didn't want to talk about it. She didn't like to talk about Andromeda because it made her cry. She really missed that girl.

"It's not right that parents keep pulling students out, we need to learn how to defend ourselves. Hogwarts is really safe," Alice said, shaking her head disapprovingly.

"Peter must be upset," Sasha said, always the sympathizer.

"Er," Remus cleared his throat, "No…he's been wanting to go for a while. Says it's his mother's wish but…well." Remus didn't seem to want to say anything else.

Lily looked at him carefully.

"Sounds a little cowardly," she said, clearly fishing for information. Remus shrugged and then looked up at Lily slightly through lidded eyes.

"Yeah, don't mention it around Sirius. He'll lose it." He warned.

"He loses it a lot these days," Lily muttered, tucking into her food and taking on a brooding air for the remainder of dinner.

James didn't reappear, and she and the others didn't wait for him long. After talking a little after dinner, Lily begged off of a walk around the grounds and left Alice and Sasha with Remus, heading back to the dorm to both tidy up her room and wait for James. Though she told herself it wasn't the last part at all and she wasn't being nosy.

She was actually, for the first time she could remember, humming to herself as she performed the usual complicated tapping sequence and fed the Gargoyle their recently changed password. The first thing she did when she entered was glance to see if the cards were still there…and was immensely surprised that there _weren't_. Meaning James had actually cleaned up and he was, in fact, back from the suspicious meeting with McGonagall.

She smiled and walked towards his bedroom, ready to tease him about it like he did her; she pushed open his cracked door and stopped short, glancing at the small duffle bag on the bed curiously, and up at him as he walked out of the bathroom with a pair of trainers in hand.

She furrowed her eyes at him, confused, and stepped into his room fully, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Oh, hey. Lily." He greeted, stepping up to the bed and pulling a pair of socks out of his trainers to then stuff in the duffle.

Lily hesitated a moment, taking in the few pairs of clothes spilling out of the bag, and walked to the end of the bed, wrapping a hand around the wooden post.

"What's going on?" she asked slowly, a slow dread creeping up through her body. If he was leaving…James wouldn't leave. He wouldn't. She swallowed hard, waiting anxiously for his reply. He adjusted something in the bag and then rested his hands on either side of it, leaning forward, his head bent forward.

"My dad," he started thickly, "has been attacked. He's…he's in rough shape. At St. Mungo's."

Lily felt tears spring to her eyes and she gasped. Her knuckles whitened as she gripped the wooden bedpost tighter and she closed her eyes briefly.

"What happened?" she asked shakily, her heart going out to him, thinking of her own father and his smile, and how she would feel if someone hurt him. James straightened up and rubbed his forehead, and then his nose, stuffing some of the spilling over clothes into his bag.

"Death Eaters, about fifteen of them, attacked the courts while he was in session. They hurt a lot of people, didn't kill anyone…er, aurors think their orders were just to incapacitate and…Lily,"

James stopped, like he didn't want to say anymore. He rubbed his face again, and Lily thought she might have seen him touch his eyes to wipe tears away. But she couldn't be sure. He took a deep breath and looked at her sideways.

"They released the defendants," he said.

Lily blinked at him, her lips pursed and brow furrowed. Prisoners, those about to go to Azkaban for their crimes, being released was frightening but why was he…

_My dad's in court all next week….Crouch trials…he's closing up the Mulciber case…_

"What?" Lily asked hoarsely, feeling her face go pale as she stared at him. She closed her eyes and licked her lips, looking at him.

"Moody tracked them to the north before he lost the trail, up near the giants," James snorted a little sarcastically, "I don't blame him for stopping there…they've gone into hiding."

Lily swallowed, her stomach aching all of a sudden. He was supposed to get justice. Not run free like all he'd done was steal something, or curse someone a little too harshly.

She shook her head a little, blinking back angry and sad tears, turning her thoughts back to James's father.

"Is he…going to be okay? Do you know?" she asked, stepping closer to him.

James shrugged, looking away.

"I don't know _anything_. McGonagall…and my mum just told me he was hurt."

Lily felt another pang of sympathy for Rosalie, knowing how frantic and devastated her own mother would be.

"James," she said soothingly, reaching out and putting a hand on his arm, squeezing his shoulder comfortingly. "James, your dad used to be an auror, he'll be fine. He'll fight it off." She assured him, assuring herself.

Nicholas had done so much for her, he'd done so much to get to his position in the ministry, and he'd used some of that power to help her. She desperately wanted him to be okay.

James looked at her and down at her hand on his arm and back at her.

"Yeah. I know." He said weakly, trying a smile and sounding not at all sure of himself. He knew of a few bad injuries his father had sustained while practicing his job as an auror when James was little. He'd taken a legal job at a desk because he'd wanted to be alive to see his son grow up; He hadn't seen been in enforcement action since James was four years old.

Lily bit her lip and met James's eyes, wanting to be there for him like he had for her. Wishing she had to words to make him feel safe and okay, like he had her. She ran her hand up and down his arm gently, as if her touch could make him feel completely confident in her words.

She was thinking of everything that was happening lately and how bad it all seemed, and how just a few hours ago they were smiling and trying to do just what Sasha always did and hold desperately onto the light in life.

She didn't know just exactly why she did it.

But the next thing she knew, she had moved her hand up to the back of his neck, touching the hair that lay at the back of his neck and standing up on tiptoes a little. She briefly saw his eyes widen and hesitant shock light up in them before her lips touched his and she kissed him.

Lily Evans _kissed_ James Potter.

She closed her eyes briefly, lingered her lips on his for a moment, and pulled away, sliding her hand down to his arm again and bending her head down, wanting to hide the dark red blush she knew was spreading out from her nose to her toes, ignoring the screaming voice in her head that was currently demanding to know just what the hell she was doing.

She looked up, one eye shut and the other looking at him hesitantly. He looked nervous, like he was afraid she was about to slap or start screaming at him.

"Sorry," she whispered, her voice barely working to get the word out.

"Erm." He responded. And then he seemed to recover himself and he nodded. "I mean, it's okay," he said.

Lily couldn't help but half-smile an embarrassed smile, confused by her off the wall and weird behavior in the midst of what was happening with his father.

"I _thought_ it might be," she admitted softly. She needed to go have a serious conversation with herself _right now_. It wasn't like she hadn't kissed other boys, because she had. But this was James Potter, and she was beginning to freak out about the implications of what she'd just done.

He, on the other hand, seemed to _not_ be having that problem.

She let her hand fall to his and gripped his fingers tightly, offering him strength.

"You shouldn't waste time," she said, her voice still verging on apologetic. He squeezed her hand back and turned to the duffle bag to zip it up, letting go of her fingers gently and then hoisting it over his shoulder easily.

"You're not wasting my time." He said, putting a hand on her shoulder briefly and lightly before he looked around the room and sighed.

Lily bit her lip and held back tears again.

"You're leaving, then," she said shakily, crossing her arms and running one hand up and down her own shoulder. He looked back at her and started to nod, but then shaking his head adamantly.

"No, no! Just…just for a few…" he stopped, after stumbling over his words trying to explain. "I'm coming _back_, I mean," he finished, smiling a little in relief. Lily closed her eyes in a brief thank you to the gods and opened them with a small relieved smile of her own.

"Come on, I wouldn't leave. This place would be nothing without a king."

She allowed him a watery laugh and eye roll, and moved out of his way to let him past her. He walked by and waited for her to join him; she walked behind him a little, following him into the common room.

Rosalie Potter was leaning against the wall right by the entrance when they appeared, her head rested against the wall, visibly crying. Lily's breath hitched in her throat and she pressed her lips together, almost unable to bear the devastation.

Rosalie straightened up when she saw them and tried to smile, reaching out for James. He went straight to her and let her hug him tightly. She pressed her cheek against his hair, running her fingers through his hair and placing a kiss there before she released him, her arm around his shoulder. Lily stood in front of them, her eyes stinging, lips trembling as she spoke:

"Tell him I'm cheering for him," she offered, not wanting to say I'm sorry. Rosalie smiled and reached out, running her hand over Lily's hair and down the side of her face.

"That will amuse him, dear," she said, nodding appreciatively. "Thank you, Lily." She added.

Rosalie tucked a lock of blonde hair behind her ear and turned to go, loosening her grip on James ever so slightly. James nodded at Lily, his eyes clear, and followed her, leaving Lily alone in the middle of the room.

She closed her eyes and let the tears come slowly, her shoulders shaking. Nicholas Potter, gravely injured somewhere in a hospital bed, and all so those selfish men could have their criminals on the loose. Didn't they have enough evil bastards out there?

Lily turned and snatched a blanket off of the couch where Sasha had left it earlier. She re-entered James's room and shut the door behind it, locking it, feeling a little jumpy, the door lock making her feel just a bit safer. She wrapped the blanket around her shoulders and lay down on James's four-poster bed, rolling onto her back and staring at the ceiling, her eyes heavy and wet.

* * *

Kangaroo Cry by **Blue October **(this might seem like a weird/awkward title, but the lyrics fit very well)

**Review! Please! :]**


	22. The Sound of Pulling Heaven Down

**A/N: This is my, er, 'final climax' of the story; its going to start winding down from here. Meaning, I supposed that we are in fact nearing the end. This saddens me! I really enjoyed writing this chapter, so I can only hope those reading it enjoy it as much. Thank you for all your reviews!**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-Two: The Sound of Pulling Heaven Down**

The Sun was shining down in the Hogwarts courtyard, warm and bright. Annoying and almost too bright for Lily's taste, because even though it felt amazing on her face and back, she was attempting to study, and she kept having tosquint to see the page.

She looked up and rolled her neck, stretching. She sat on a stone bench in the circle, one foot on the bench beside her and the other hanging down planted on the cobblestones. Susanna was next to her lounging on her back with her head by Lily's foot, eyes closed, mouthing the words to an Arithmancy passage she was supposed to memorize and recite.

N.E.W.T.s were going to be the death of them all.

"I can't do this anymore, I'm going to explode." Lily announced with a groan, slamming her Potions book shut.

On a pretty Friday like this, after yet another week of strenuous study and hands-on lessons, and the absence of James to make jokes about everything, she just couldn't take anymore studying. Thankfully, it was two o'clock and she was done with classes, unlike Susanna who had an Arithmancy class at four.

Susanna opened one eye and looked up at Lily, yawning. She sat up and stretched her own arms, kicking her bag over accidentally in the process.

They were working together and studying together, but they weren't talking, really. Beyond asking questions, helping each other, and the short conversation they'd just had about Sasha's new boyfriend.

Susanna ran her fingers through her long hair, shook it out, and then turned to Lily and without a moment to spare looked her in the eye and spoke.

"Lily, I'm sorry."

Lily blinked at her, taken aback. Susanna continued, her eyes determined.

"I had no right to say what I did to you last week, and I'm sorry I've been such a bitch since then. I'm not going to make an excuse, but you know how things have been. We've all been on edge and I took it too far."

Lily hesitated, still catching up to what was happening, and then unstuck her throat and smiled shyly at Susanna, holding her hand out.

"Apology accepted," she said, as Susanna squeezed her hand and half-smiled herself. She let go of Lily's hand and let her own fall into her lap, glancing off at a few shrieking first year girls who were throwing a fit over a bug that had just flown into the middle of their circle.

"You still willing to listen?" the other girl asked, raising a shoulder like she expected Lily to snap 'no' at her and walk away. Lily nodded in response.

"_Always_, Susanna." She assured her.

"That's more than I deserve," Susanna snorted, pushing her hair back over her shoulder. Lily just quietly waited for her to continue.

"I'm not seeing Sirius anymore," she said finally. Lily tilted her head, keeping a neutral face.

"What went wrong?" she asked, this being the first official confirmation that Susanna had been in fact seeing Sirius in the first place. Susanna shrugged and shook her head.

"I just kept waiting for _him_ to screw it up, you know? And the next thing I knew I'd done just that." She admitted, picking a string off of her skirt, looking at it, and tossing it over her shoulder. "I made a comment about him needing to grow up and act like an adult…he thought I was being snobby. He thought I meant he wasn't good enough for me,"

Susanna broke off with a snort and then looked at Lily.

"I used to think that, you know. That he wasn't good enough. But never after we started dating. _Never_. Anyway, after that…we kept fighting, just picking at each other, the things that annoyed us. And then he said something I…I didn't take seriously, and the other day, after he found out about Bellatrix…"

She stopped and bowed her head. Lily reached out and squeezed her friend's shoulder.

"It ended with a _bang_," Susanna stressed the last word and her words tumbled out in the same sort of half-laugh she'd had when she first told Lily she'd slept with Sirius.

_They're in love. Sirius and Susanna. Love. …I heard him tell her._

Lily wondered if that was the thing Sirius had said that Susanna didn't take seriously. And if it was, Lily felt a stab of anger towards her friend for not taking that boy seriously. That wasn't something Sirius would say to a girl if he didn't mean it; somehow, Lily knew that. She also knew it would take all his strength to be able to say it. And she wondered why Susanna was so confused in the way she was handling this.

Susanna wasn't the type to play; she wasn't a heartbreaker or a flirt. She cared and she was careful with her feelings. She may, Lily realized, have been so caught up in protecting herself from getting in too deep with someone she thought was going to hurt her, that she just acted out on the defensive.

Without really knowing what to say, Lily reached out.

"I think he really cared for you, Susanna." She said, not sure if it was what the other girl wanted to hear. Susanna just nodded, and reached down to pick up her bag. "Maybe you should talk to him?" Lily suggested, noticing her movement and standing up with her book as well.

Again, Susanna shook her head and tossed her hair, giving Lily a pained smile as she started to lead them in. Lily remained quietly by her side, thinking about the whole thing, until they reached the floor her dorm was on and, as she and Susanna turned down that way, she saw, out of the corner of her eye, the tears falling down Susanna's cheeks.

"Suze," she said sharply, not meaning to sound harsh, but frightened all the same. Susanna shook her head and turned her face away, but Lily grabbed her shoulder and pulled her to the side of the hallway. She pulled her friend's face towards her and held her chin, looking at her.

Susanna bit her lip and her shoulders shook. Lily just met her eyes sympathetically.

"Susanna," she asked, "did you really care for him?"

Susanna just nodded, and kept nodding, as she leaned forward and put her head on Lily's shoulder, crying quietly, more tears than Lily had ever seen her spill. She put her hand on Susanna's back and glanced around, ready to warn her friend if someone appeared in the hallway. When Susanna finally stepped back and looked off to the side, swiping a finger under her eyes quickly, Lily tried again.

"Talk to him, Susanna."

"No," she answered resolutely, her voice still a little on the wobbly side. Lily sighed, and Susanna looked at her. "He ended it. You didn't hear the things he said. I can't." She justified.

"You can't? Or you're too proud?" Lily pushed.

Susanna looked like she might slap Lily for a moment, and then the anger in her eyes subsided and she shrugged minutely.

"Maybe."

Lily frowned slightly, but slipped her arm through Susanna's and pulled her towards the dormitory.

"Phoenix," she said, tracing her fingers in the familiar pattern next to the gargoyle. It lazily slid open to admit them, and Lily pulled Susanna along, dumping her bag and the book on the couch.

"Wizard's chess? Puzzles in the _Prophet_? What?" she asked a little brighter, throwing her and Susanna's fun pastimes out there. Susanna smiled wryly, thanking Lily silently.

Lily was about to sprint up to her room for a card game she'd brought from home she knew fascinated Susanna when movement past her friend's shoulder caught her eye.

She was pretty certain her shriek startled Susanna to no end, but she couldn't help it. She ran past Susanna and practically knocked James to the floor when she saw him come out and lean against his doorway, throwing her arms around him in a welcome-back hug to shame all others.

"_Oooof_," he protested, stumbling back and grinning all the same, hugging her back but letting go quicker than she did.

"When did you get back? How's your dad?" she asked when she pulled back, not noticing the floored look Susanna was giving her back.

"Dad's fine, he's just driving Mum crazy, milking it for what its worth. He tried to escape," James added in a conspiratorial hiss at the end.

"_What_?! From your house?"

"No, St. Mungo's. He charmed a nurse and then attempted to just walk out, so the psychologist termed him 'reckless' and ordered him off work for another week or so."

"So that's where _you_ get it," Lily mused, poking James in the chest. He laughed and grabbed her finger, pushing it back to her.

"You mean the jaw-dropping good-looks and charming personality? Nah, that's all me."

"Shut-up."

"Did everyone miss me?"

"Excuse me," Susanna broke in, stepping up. She glanced from Lily to James. "What's going on?" she asked.

"Susanna, his dad was almost killed." Lily informed her, apparently not understanding the question.

Susanna Farris stared at her best friend like she'd never seen the redhead before. Lily, caught up in her relief at seeing James back at school, didn't notice anything amiss, but Susanna was highly suspicious of the interaction between the two. If she didn't know any better…but no. No, absolutely not. In fact, she almost laughed aloud at the thought.

"Potter, you've _got_ to have a word with Sirius…honestly, he wouldn't leave me alone, seemed to think you were writing to me every day or something, _aaaand_ he tried sleeping outside my door once, claiming he was 'lonely'," Lily finished her sentence and then stopped, backtracking, and making a mental note not to bring up Sirius again.

Susanna shook her head in disbelief.

"You two talking again?" James asked suddenly, looking from Lily to Susanna. Lily watched him to a double take when he say Susanna's still teary-face and look at her a little closer…but she was relieved he didn't say a word to reference it.

"Yes," Susanna answered, giving James a clearly suspicious look. Lily nodded, tucking hair behind her ear. She smiled lop-sidedly.

"I'm actually going to kick you out now so we can have our girl-time."

He scowled at her.

"Go find your loyal friends; maybe they'll keep their crumbs off my rug now that you're back."

She said smartly, turning away. Susanna followed suit, waving at James a little smartly herself.

"Susanna, I think I've got some of that tea Alice gave me left, wait there…"

"Lily!" James yelled, just as she was mid-way up the stairs. She stopped and bent down a little to see him better, eyebrow raised.

"We still on for Hogsmeade, tomorrow?" he asked. A light blush crept across Lily's cheeks as she strategically avoided Susanna's eyes.

"Er, yes. Yes." She clarified, disappearing up the stairs quickly.

Susanna, planted at the bottom of them, looked across the room at James, who nodded to her and left the dorm, leaving her speechless and opened mouth for the second time in ten minutes.

* * *

Lily adjusted the curled ends of her hair on her shoulders again, looking in the mirror one last time before she left. She turned off the lights and straightened her light green summer top as she descended the stairs and left the dormitory alone, entering into the throng of third years and up who were making their way downstairs, eager to leave for the sunshine and freedom of Hogsmeade.

She hadn't spent hours picking out her outfit, or fussed about make-up, or freaked out about shoes, or any of that silly girl stuff, but as she walked down the stairs and finally reached the foyer and then the courtyard of the school, she suddenly wished she had, and then wished she could hit herself for wishing that.

There was a lot of wishing going on inside her head.

"Lily," James said in her ear, and she jumped a mile, spinning around to hit him in the shoulder.

"Don't do that!" she yelled, out of breath. He laughed, and she relaxed and laughed a little as well, but when he stopped and looked at her with a smile, she warned him without any malice:

"Don't sneak up on me, James." And he sobered up and nodded, resolving not to do it again. She was satisfied with his promise and didn't yell at him for it; he probably wasn't thinking, and he wasn't to blame for the reason she was so wary of not seeing people who approached her.

"Ready?" he asked. Lily made a show of looking around and scrutinizing the area.

"What?" he asked exasperatedly, sounding nervous.

"Making sure you made good on your promise," she said, and when he looked confused, "you didn't bring Sirius." She clarified.

His mouth made an 'O' and she smiled, indicating she was ready to move.

"You were glad to have me back then?" he asked.

"Yeah, well, like I said, Sirius was such a girl while you were gone."

James snorted, grinning, imagining. Sirius's story had been different.

"He said you moped around crying for me."

"_Lies_!" yelled Lily, laughing but at the same time making a mental note to murder Sirius Black the next time he looked at her funny. "It did suck though, I could have failed Transfiguration."

"Tragedy! I never should have left."

"I wish you hadn't had to," Lily said a bit darkly, Hogsmeade coming into view in front of the.

A third year boy and girl ran past, the boy chasing the girl and she yelling at him angrily. Lily was strongly reminded of James. _Strongly_.

"Hey now, Dad's fine." James said lightly, clearly not wanting to reopen old wounds. Lily nodded, it was fair enough. She didn't want to make anyone talk about something that hurt; she knew first hand that it was the worst feeling in the world.

"Where're we going?" she asked.

"I dunnno."

She looked at him and burst out laughing.

"Er, want to get a butterbeer, then?" she suggested, raising an amused eyebrow.

"I love it when you're bossy," James replied, shoving his hands into his pockets. Lily shoved him away, rolling her eyes.

They walked into the Three Broomsticks, where most of their classmates were congregating to grab something to eat, or a drink before descending upon the shops and wiping Honeyduke's clean.

James paid for their drinks, and Lily let him after a small protest. She tried to stop him on the account not wanting him to think it was a date, and then retracted her objection when she realized that she didn't care if he thought it was. Because unbeknownst to her (until now) she was operating under the impression it _was_ a date. They sat down a few booths away from the door, in a booth behind three chattering fifth years.

"Anything good happen while I was M.I.A?" James started, taking a deep draught of his butterbeer. Lily pretended to think very hard on the matter.

"Sasha's dating a Ravenclaw quidditch player. Frank came back a few days ago, and he seems okay. McGonagall _did_ find out about the toad thing…and Sirius spent three nights with Filch, came back looking traumatized so I don't know what that old man did—"

"Probably molested him," but he stopped mid-sentence and his eyes went wide and horrified.

Lily was aware of exactly what he was thinking, and reached across the table to tough his knuckles, trying to stop him, but he started anyway.

"I…Forget I said that, I mean, I'm sorry—"

"James," she broke in, "It's okay. I'm not going to break." She said.

And she realized...it _was_ okay. It was starting to be _okay_. His joking words did not hurt her, because she knew he wasn't looking at her differently. No one was anymore, not really. And she wasn't even getting problems from the Slytherins, considering there were so few of them actually _left_ at Hogwarts. It was easier for her now that people weren't walking on eggshells around her—that's what it made it easy to be around him in the first place; because he had never walked on eggshells.

"I keep putting my foot in my mouth," James muttered, scowling.

"Well you can't just pretend it didn't happen, it's a part of me." Lily said harshly, surprising herself. She took a drink and put the bottle down, looking at the label and back up at him with a sheepish look.

"Er," she started.

"It's not a part of you." James said, shaking his head, looking at her funny. "Why do you think that? It's not like it…stains you, or—"

"That's not what I meant," she interrupted quietly, shaking her head, tilting the bottle and studying the label more. "I meant it effects who I am. And it will influence my future."

"Oh." Was all he said. She felt the need to continue. Because what she was going to say next, she needed to say out loud so _she_ could hear it.

"I don't think it…he _stains_ me. I did, I thought other people would but then you…well you're a boy and you didn't treat me differently."

She really, really hoped he understood what that was supposed to mean. He still wanted to touch her, was what she meant. Be with her, obviously, though she'd never taken a second glance at him in seven years when he'd professed his undying love for her.

"Yeah, why would I? It wasn't _your_ fault."

She hadn't noticed she was leaning forward when she talked so he could hear her over the noise, so when he leaned forward to make himself heard, she blinked at the closeness. He grinned as she fluttered her eyelashes self-consciously, and as she glanced over his shoulder, she looked back down and lifted the bottle to her lips again, smirking into it.

"People are looking at us," she said, her voice muffled. James twisted around to look at the table she had indicated with a subtle jerk of her head.

She was right. A few Gryffindor girls were gawking at them from a table; one turned and whispered to her friend and the others squealed and turned away, putting their heads together.

"Now they're talking about us," James whispered loudly. "Let's give them something to talk about.

"NO." Lily said, giving him a suspicious look. He inched forward a little and she shot backwards, looking around. "If you kiss me here, I'll slap you!" she warned.

"I wasn't going to…kiss you," James said slowly, looking too satisfied for his own good, "I was going to yell something embarrassing—but I can kiss you, if you want." He added slyly.

Lily shook her head, wriggling her nose and looking into the neck of her butterbeer.

"That's okay," she assured him in a mumble. She let her smile fade casually as she took a drink and looked up at him, then out the window to the sunny day, full streets, and students running carelessly everywhere.

"So, my dad seems to think you're responsible for whipping me into shape," James quipped easily.

"James," Lily asked matter-of-factly, slowly, drawing her gaze away from the window. "Are we dating?"

James blinked at her, and whatever he had been about to say stopped, and left his mouth open, just gaping at her.

"Is…this a trick question?" he asked suspiciously. Sirius constantly talked about the way girls asked seemingly innocent questions and then freaked out when you answered. No matter _what_ you answered.

"No,"

"Is there a certain way I'm supposed to answer?"

"…No, James."

He paused and looked at her.

"Okay…" he drawled slowly. "Er, can you tell me what I'm supposed to—"

"James!" Lily laughed, tossing a napkin she'd been playing with at him. "It's just a question," she assured him, sobering up a little. He paused again.

"Do you want to be dating…because I think I pretty much had it drilled into me by a certain person—maybe it was your evil twin—that you decidedly did _not_ want to date me…"

"I don't know." Lily answered, looking him in the eye. She tapped her fingers in a pattern against her bottle and lifted a shoulder. "I don't want it to be like…I just fell into your arms because you were there." She said, snorting.

But he could tell she was being perfectly serious and just making light of it.

"I bet you're smarter than that," he said.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out," Lily said.

"Okay. Well, you figure that out, and I'll be right here. Or…playing Quidditch. Or in detention. Right, so you know where to look." He said, arrogant smirk plastered all over his face.

Lily smiled and took a drink, smiling as she finished off her Butterbeer looking out the window.

"Thanks," she offered. She was setting down her drink, and leaning forward a little because she thought she'd seen something amiss outside, when a huge resounding explosion sounded followed by piercing, terrified screams.

The entire Three Broomsticks went silent, and Lily turned a white face to James, her lips forming a question she couldn't ask. He saw people start running past the window at the same time as she, and they both scrambled out of their booths right as Madame Rosemerta and her pretty assistant ran out of the place, both shouting at the students to stay inside.

No one, of course, listened.

James shoved people out of his and Lily's way and they were the first out after the two barmaids.

Lily grabbed James's arm and drew in a shuddering gasp as she looked around. James ignored her terrified noise and jerked her to the side, throwing her down to the ground and landing next to her as three spells ricocheted towards them.

Coughing and sputtering, she nodded to his demand to know if she was okay and jerked her wand out of her jeans pocket, noticing him do the same.

"How many?" she choked out, her voice shaking with fear.

"Too many," he grunted in response. She rolled over onto her stomach and pushed herself up a little, taking a cursory look around.

The explosion had taken place at the edge of the village; a shop was on fire, burning, and people were running in terror through Hogsmeade. The glimpse of black cloaks and eerie green masks was enough to tell her what was going on; Death Eaters were everywhere.

"_MOVE_!" James roared in her ear, and she stumbled up, crouching low as they'd been taught in Defense, running. They dodged an overturned bench and James jerked her by the elbow closer, snapping in her ear, "Stay close," right as they ducked into a space between two buildings and barreled into a cloaked man.

Adrenaline surging through her veins, Lily threw out her wand before he could recover and screamed the first spell that came to mind:

"_CONFRINGO_!"

The man's robes went up in flames and he shrieked, running past them, slapping at the material.

James held her wrist, pulling it down, looking at her, impressed.

"Damn," he breathed.

But Lily was crying, and she pulled away, shaking her head.

"They're going to hurt people, kill people!" she croaked, looking at him desperately. He shook his head and turned, starting back out. He ran out of the alley and she went after him, adrenaline still there, pushing her to remember her training.

The younger ones were terrified. She could hear them crying, and she shoved a bunch of them to the side, imploring them to stay together as she ran past, following James. She turned her face away as she passed the unmistakably dead body of Rosemerta's assistant on the sidewalk.

"Don't loo—"

James was cut off by the appearance of two menacing black robed figures out of a shop to the left of him. One of them lashed out a spell at him and he barely had time to cast a shield before it flung him backwards. Lily screamed, and one of them grabbed her, holding her up by her neck.

Panicking, she jabbed her wand over her shoulder and it shot sparks into the man's eye; he dropped her hard and she felt her wrist snap under her weight. His companion growled and leaned down, pointing his wand at her neck.

"_STUPEFY!"_

He keeled over and Lily held her throat, turning around and casting the same spell at the man who was howling over his eye before looking around for her savior. Sirius jerked her to her feet without a word and then ran to James, grabbing his shoulder and picking him up. James shook his head, seeing stars.

Screams echoed in the air, crying, yelling, and even maniacal laughter. They stayed low to the ground as spells flew everywhere, dangerous. Sirius yelled something and they hit the ground again; this time they crawled over to what she recognized as Zonko's, crouching against the south wall, trying to recover. Footsteps pounded next to Lily and she dove away, slamming into Sirius, but he shushed her.

"It's me," Susanna said, frantically in Lily's ear. She looked just as terrified. Next to her was Gideon Prewitt, supporting a dizzy and bloody Alice.

"What happened?" moaned Lily, taking in the sight of her friend.

"Dunno," Gideon said gruffly, "Frank took care of 'im," he said, holding Alice gingerly. Lily didn't want to know what 'took care of him' meant. A spell rocketed over their heads and the side of Zonko's crumbled, stone falling all around them. Lily yelped and pushed Susanna's head down, saving her from taking a menacing stone to the head.

"We've got to move!" Gideon yelled.

"We need help, someone's got to get help," Susanna moaned.

"We won't make it back to Hogwarts past them," Sirius said.

"Alice…needs help,"

The next spell that hit the ground in front of them demolished the street and sent them running. James reached over to help Gideon shift Alice fully into his arms. She squealed in what sounded like pain. Lily wanted to cover her ears. They rounded on Madame Puddifoot's and witnessed three sixth years combat one Death Eater who'd lost his companions; the biggest boy fired off a damn good Leg-locker curse, and they cheered him on as the man fell flat and stiff on the pavement.

Susanna suddenly tripped and went down; followed by a loud crack. She moaned, and Lily knelt next to her, meaning to see if her ankle was broken, when she caught sight of what Susanna had tripped over. She screamed and looked away, covering her mouth, not ever wanting to see the tangled blonde hair or hollow blue eyes of Hollis Shepard again. Tears streaming down her face, she pulled Susanna into a hug and wouldn't let her look, ignoring the shouts for them to get up.

"She can't walk!"

"Get UP!"

"DOWN, _DOWN_!" someone screeched suddenly, and Lily tangibly felt the spell, whatever it was, just miss her. A dreadful feeling whispered to her that a green light had missed her by a hair and she raised her eyes to the heavens.

Three Death Eaters surrounded them. Alice was on the ground behind Gideon; he was trying to protext her, holding a shield in front of him, his face scrunched up, sweat all over his brow mixing with dirt. Susanna's breath almost stopped as she looked up and she pushed Lily away, struggling up. Lily stood and pointed her wand, a feeling that they weren't going to get out this taking her over.

"Torture, don't kill," laughed one of them, the snakelike voice seeping under Lily's skin and making her want to slap her hands over her ears. The one who had spoken laughed in a high voice again and grabbed James at the shoulder; he spun around and threw his leg into the man's groin; the man howled, bent over, and knocked James's wand away.

James reached out for it, just as Sirius stumbled back and stepped on his arm. Hissing, James jerked back his arm and rolled on his back, groaning. Gideon's shield spell shattered and he was knocked backward, the Stunning Spell leaving him limp, sprawled next to Alice.

Lily cast a Stinging Hex right in the closest one to her's face, and his hood flew backwards, revealing a pale and insipid visage she knew all too well from the papers. He was a Lestrange, not the one married to Bellatrix, but his brother.

Rabastan stumbled back, clawing at his eyes, his wand shooting at. With him disoriented, Lily bent down, holding an arm out to James, but another Death Eater grabbed her from behind and dragged her backwards; Susanna lunched forward.

"_RELASHIO_," she snarled, and Lily was dropped again, her wrist still smarting. She stumbled, Susanna caught her, and the thwarted death eater came forward, his hands outreaching. Behind Susanna, Rabastan had recovered. Sirius had leap into the third one around them, helped by James kicking the man's feet out from under him. He jammed his wand up the guy's nose and barked a curse at him that opened gashes in his torso, incapacitating him.

Sirius looked around, rolling away from his victim, and stumbled forward on unsteady feet to help the girls. James dragged himself up, cradling his snapped arm. Lily was back at the hands of her previous attacker, holding him off, her mind in ten different places, losing sight of her offensive spells.

"_Taran…tellegra_!" she coughed. He immediately broke into a forced dance, cursing her, trying to hold his hand steady.

"_Stupefy_!" but his spell barely grazed her and she just fell back, knocking Susanna sideways. She turned to help her friend and was hit in the side with a better-aimed spell. Her hand flew to the wound and bloody flowed over it, coloring her skin red.

Susanna moved in front of her, turning towards Rabastan, screaming something. She cast a spell but missed; still screaming. Lily didn't hear the spell Rabastan cast as he made a slashing motion with his wand and shot a jet of purple light from it. Susanna's face went white and her eyes wide; she dropped like a rock in front of Lily.

Lily sobbed and held her wand out shakily, knowing he was advancing on her—

"_Avada Kedavra_."

The green light swam past her and Rabastan fell, dark and evil eyes wiped devoid of life and staring up at the sky. Lily gasped, shuddering, and turned to find Sirius looking at the body harshly, his wand out, steady in his hands. He looked at Lily briefly, and they turned to face the last man advancing on them—

—when a blinding, warm white-blue light overtook the entire village. When the illumination faded and Lily opened her eyes, the Death Eaters were gone and all that was left was the aftermath: destroyed buildings, screaming and crying students, fire, rubble. She sank to her knees and dropped her wand next to her, keeping her eyes away from the dead Death Eater next to her, and looked straight ahead, overwhelming relief flooding through her.

Dumbledore stood in the midst of it all, his wand held high, surrounded by teachers. His eyes were dark chips of ice, his body stiff and clearly filled with rage.

But He was their God, and he was there. Lily's head fell forward and she slumped her shoulders, reaching for a friend. She didn't know who took her had; she didn't look. But she cried with abandon, and wasn't ashamed of it.

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The Sound of Pulling Heaven Down by **Blue October**

**Review, Please!:]**


	23. Weight of the World

**A/N: Mmmm, I didn't want to wait to long, I'd be mad if someone left me like that. This was going to go up tomorrow, but the reviews were so anxious and nice, I had to reward you! I was surprised at how many people seemed to think Susanna was dead...perhaps I should have offed her...No, actually: She was hit by the same spell Hermione was hit with in OotP, though her attacker said it outloud (Hermione's was silenced) making it worse. No, I could never kill of Susie! Well....anyway. I like her too much:]**

**This chapter was very hard to write, and I still don't feel like it satisfies me. But its the best I could do. Thank you for the kidn reviews!**

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****Chapter Twenty-Three: Weight of the World**

The hospital wing was lit dimly, with just enough light for Madame Pomfrey to see her numerous patients, the casualties of the Hogsmeade Ambush. The school was in mourning; though it was only nearing four o'clock, all of the lights in Hogwarts had been doused, the draperies had been turned to black, and all students not being patched up were confined to their house dorms, left waiting for news, contacting parents if they could. Scared, upset, confused.

Four Hogwarts students were dead, including Hollis Shepard, a sixth year Hufflepuff prefect, and two small third years. Five were dead in the village besides Rosemerta's barmaid.

Lily kept her head down as Madame Pomfrey repaired her mangled wrist, tapping her wand on it expertly. She closed her eyes as she felt the bones sliding back into place, having no strength to cry out at the quick moment of pain she experienced. Madame Pomfrey touched her hair in a motherly way and lifted her shirt, un-sticking the material from the wet blood still seeping a little from the gash wound the death eater had given her.

Lily sucked in her breath as the nurse's wand touched her flesh, knowing it was a curse wound, prepared for the unpleasantness of the cure. She looked up, refusing to watch Madame Pomfrey at her work, and found Frank's eyes at the bed across from her.

He sat on the edge of Alice's bed where she rested, her chest rising and falling lightly, half-asleep and half-awake. She'd been hit with a Cruciatus Curse, according to Frank, and had been in the rough hands of a death eater by the time he'd caught up. She was okay; shaken up, but once her bruises had been repaired and the cuts closed up, her body just needed to rest from the havoc the torturing curse had wrecked.

Lily's abdomen burned white-hot and she closed her eyes tightly, drawing breath in a hiss through her teeth. Madame Pomfrey shushed soothingly in her ear and touched her hair again, and then pulling the shirt back down. The material was warm and dry, and when Lily tilted her head to look, it was clean and the wound was gone.

"Right as rain, dear," Madame Pomfrey said tiredly, handing her a glass of water. Lily took it gratefully and winced as she bent forward.

"It'll be a tad sore," Madame Pomfrey warned, turning and bustling off towards the bed across from Lily at an angle, where Sirius sat with a bloody nose and a nasty open wound across his palm. Remus sat in a folding chair next to the bed, his shoulders slumped dejectedly, his eyes red and inflamed from a horrid Conjunctivitis Curse.

Lily slipped off the bed and set her glass of water on the table next to it, earning a dirty glare from the nurse, who pointed back at the mattress before turning on Sirius and sighing loudly about his ability to get his nose broken. Attempting to lighten the impossible heavy atmosphere.

Lily went around her bed and two down, looking at Susanna with dry eyes. She felt like she'd cried all she could, since Dumbledore had shown up in Hogsmeade, as they'd all gotten back through a passage in the Hog's Head, as they tallied students and lined up in the infirmary. She had slowly sucked up her tears and now felt like she couldn't summon them again.

Susanna's face was pale and her eyes were shut, though Lily could discern slight movement beneath the lids. Her light strawberry blonde hair framed her face neatly, but her chest rose and fell shallowly. Madame Pomfrey had mended her snapped ankle in a trice, but the spell Rabastan had cast on her before Sirius had…before he was incapacitated had, according to the haggard nurse, shattered ribs instantly and done considerable damage that would be hell to fix.

Lily reached out and put her hand on Susanna's, tracing a pattern over the cold skin of her friend's hand. She looked up, past Susanna's bed, looking over the occupants of the hospital.

Most of the causalities were older students, those who'd been better suited to put their training to work. Many younger kids were here for soothing potions, sleeping draughts, anything to quiet them. A few had already been removed by their families. It broke Lily's heart to see them all exposed to this violence and destruction. Her breath hitched in her throat and she drew in a breath slowly, her lips shaking.

A hand touched her shoulder from behind and she turned, her shoulders falling back in depression. James held up his arm, broken by Sirius's misplaced foot, and showed it to be repaired, as well as the deep bloody gash in the back of his head that had resulted from his blast backwards by the one death eater.

"You okay?" he asked, looking at Susanna sadly over her shoulder before finding her eyes again.

"No," she answered honestly, "You?"

"Huh-uh," he grunted quietly, shaking his head. She started to speak again, but James reached out and touched her arm, pulling a little and jerking his head. She turned a little to see Sirius at the foot of Susanna's bed, and subtly took James's lead and followed him a few steps away.

They came to Remus's side, where he sat with his head bent back and his neck in Madame Pomfrey's able hand as she fixed his eyes. Next to them, Gideon Prewitt sat down on the bed; his brother, Fabian, stood beside it, and Lily looked over them, checking to see if they were okay.

"You'll survive?" Gideon asked quietly, looking at Lily and James.

"Sure," James answered, shrugging, returning the question without a word.

Gideon jerked a thumb at Fabian.

"One of them broke his wrist and three fingers with some dark spell Madame's never seen…had to set them the old fashioned way and dope him with a pain-potion…it was a female, so Fabe didn't attack," Gideon stopped and snorted, shaking his head bitterly, "We should have known not to play nice with these people."

Lily looked at him, and then at Fabian, and down to the younger boy's wrapped and gingerly held right hand. She looked up at him and smiled a little.

"It just shows we're not like them," she said with a watery smile.

The doors to the infirmary opened with a quiet click and Albus Dumbledore strode in, seeming taller and older than ever, his blue eyes resting on each of them shortly, comforting them all singularly. Following him was Professor McGonagall, looking grim and exhausted. She passed him slowly, making her way to the end of the wing and taking a young girl by the hand, leading her to the hall and, Lily saw, handing her off to a man who must have been her father. The older woman stayed in the doorway, looking back to Dumbledore, obviously waiting.

The headmaster stepped up and waited patiently, a small smile on his face as usual, and waited for Madame Pomfrey to step away from Remus and announce him fixed.

"I thank you, Poppy. It is unfortunate that you are forced to tend to so many patients," he hesitated and looked around briefly, "I am, and I apologize for overruling your medical expertise, taking a select few of them off of your hands."

Madame Pomfrey put a hand on her hips and her brows furrowed in a disapproving scowl, but she seemed to think better of it, and instead bustled back to the younger, crying ones, contenting herself with mumbling incoherently about the absurdity of her boss.

Dumbledore again rested eyes on each of them, waiting a moment, it seemed, until he had attracted the full attention of all his selected students. He spoke:

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans, Mr. Lupin, Mr. Longbottom, Mr. and Mr. Prewitt, Miss Willow, Miss Pennywheat, Mr. McDonald," he stopped, and was looking over their shoulders as he spoke the last two names, a Ravenclaw girl and Ricky McDonald. "Mr. Black," he finished, a tinge of something more in his tone.

He had all of their attention without speaking above a quiet natural decibel.

"I ask that those who I have named come with me. In light of these heavy events, there is something I wish discuss with those of you I've chosen, though it is a conversation I'd much rather we would have had later."

Lily pressed her lips together and looked around at a few of her companions. Ricky McDonald and the Ravenclaw girl had come up hesitantly behind them, and Alice had gotten out of bed the moment she heard her name, standing with her hand slipped into Frank's.

Dumbledore turned with a soft beckon of his hands and they followed; Remus falling into step beside Lily when James suddenly fell back.

"Sirius," Remus muttered in her ear when she glanced back questioningly. Lily just nodded, blindly following Dumbledore along with the rest of the small, recently patched up group.

No one said a word. Passing Peeves in the hallway, all of them were quick to note that even he was silent for once in a lifetime.

Dumbledore lead them to the stairs that spiraled up to his office, and office Lily often looked around with delight and enjoyment, fascinated with all the trinkets and artifacts the kind old man collected. But this time, he did not stop in his office. He paved a path up an ensuite set of stairs and held open a door at the top of them, ushering the students through into a warmly decorated sitting room that was the beginning of his private quarters.

He shut the door behind Sirius and James, walking to the center of the room. When he noticed his students looking confused and awkward, he conjured a few more chairs than the ones already positioned around the fire, along with a fluffy couch, and gestured.

"Sit, please. You will want to be comfortable." He said, easing himself down into a high-backed chair by the fire.

Hesitantly, they began to take seats. Gideon and Fabian settled on the couch next to Ricky. Alice and Frank took chairs next to each other, and Lily, James, and Deanna Pennywheat took the three remaining armchairs. Sirius chose to stand, leaning against the arm of Lily's chair, planted between her and James.

A click and the opening of a door startled them all; heads turned to view the new coming as she came out of one of the doors near the back of the room. She was Dorcas Meadows, the sister Lily's 'guide-to-dinner-guests', Renata McKinnon, had mentioned at the Potter's Christmas Party.

Lily remembered Dorcas from school; she had graduated when Lily was a fifth year. She was a little taller now, her hair longer, held back with a clip so it tumbled down her back. She surveyed the kids and then looked across the room, nodding. Lily turned, and noted that McGonagall had come in and was standing by the other door.

"I am sure," Dumbledore started pleasantly, drawing all of their attentions instantly, "you are all wondering why you have been asked here."

They didn't have to voice their curiosity; it was written in their eyes. Dumbledore's eyes softened, glistening, and he spoke quietly, from his heart.

"You experienced something today, firsthand, that no one as young as yourselves should have to witness or suffer. You saw your friends and classmates hurt, even killed. You handled every moment as adults, you utilized training that is not even fully complete, and proved yourselves, though the cost was terrible indeed. And you cannot go back now, though I would give everything so that you would not have to go through this,"

Alice started crying. She turned her head away into a hand and waved Frank's concerned arm away, shaking her head. After a moment she looked back at Dumbledore, her cheek cupped in her palm, tears running slowly down her face. Lily bit her lip and caught Alice's eyes, offering silent support. Sirius, who had been pressing his knuckles together, relaxed them a little and laced his fingers together, unlacing them and then repeating the process.

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans," Dumbledore said in his low voice, turning to Lily and James, "Your quick actions outside the Three Broomsticks prevented two death eaters from entering and harming the students who stayed behind when you left."

Lily nodded wordlessly, words an impossibility.

"Miss Pennywheat, your quick thinking in Zonko's saved the lives of three fourth year girls whose parents will be eternally grateful. Managing to face a Dementor on your own under duress is no small feat,"

James turned impressed eyes on the redheaded girl, but she just bowed her head, eyes filling with tears. Lily wanted to reach out to her.

"Mr. Longbottom, Mr. Prewitt," Gideon and Frank looked at him solidly at the sound of their names, "Facing three Death Eaters, you retrieved Miss Willow, both successfully fighting off an Imperius curse while freeing her from their clutches. Mr Prewitt," he turned to Fabian this time "You showed chivalry even in the face of unfairness. That, my boy, takes strength," and Dumbledore turned again, "And do not think I've forgotten you, Miss Willow: stunning a man while under the Cruciatus Curse is an accomplishment to be commended, though I rather wish you had not had to do it."

Lily swore the barest of twinkles showed itself in Dumbledore's eyes as he turned on Remus.

"I believe you broke Rosier's skin when you bit him, Mr. Lupin. Quite inventive," he said, and underlying lightness in his tone. Lily grinned a little in spite of herself, and was relieved to see some of the others half-smiling as well.

"Mr. McDonald…I do not believe Mulciber, Sr. will ever use that particular part of his anatomy quite right again,"

Lily's eyes snapped to Ricky, just as he slowly looked up at her. His eyes flashed with quick mischief and she nodded ever so imperceptibly; feeling the small revenge he felt, both for herself and for Mary. Be it her attacker or merely his family member, the thought of facing one of them froze her very blood in her veins.

Sirius's hand slipped down and fell behind her shoulders, pressing, comforting. She smiled to herself, but didn't look at him.

"Mr. Black," Dumbledore's voice had lost a little of its lightness, but he turned understanding and kind blue eyes towards Lily, lifting them upwards to the dark boy next to her.

"You did what you had to do," he said, so quietly she was unsure if anyone else heard it. Sirius's hand stiffened on her back.

James found Lily's eyes momentarily, both of them remembering the coldly spoken killing curse and the eruption of green light from Sirius's wand. Lily closed her eyes briefly and looked away, opening them back to focus on Dumbledore again.

"I commend you all, and I thank you all. Though I know all too well you do not want to be neither thanked nor commended; in fact, you do not even want to think this has happened at all."

Dumbledore heaved a great sigh and stood, nodding at Dorcas. She stepped forward a little, looking at all of them. McGonagall still stood by the opposite door, watching with a resigned look on her face.

"But it _has_ happened, and I believe you all realize it is simply a taste of what is to come. You shudder against this Lord Voldemort as I do. You turn away from this hate and prejudice; you are the brightest students of your classes, and many of you have seen things you should not have and overcome obstacles that should not have been expected of you.

"I have stated before, numerous times, that we cannot stand by and let injustice unfold. We cannot allow innocent lives to be destroyed, or the integrity of our community to be forever blighted. You have all proved yourselves. Tonight…I will offer you a chance to stand up for those who cannot, for those to come. I will offer you a chance to be part of something more."

Dumbledore's eyes bore into each of them separately, as if reading their soles.

Lily felt tears spill over her eyes and onto her cheeks, showing her she would never truly lose her ability to cry. As always when he spoke, her heart beat faster and her mind held tightly to each of his words, and she harbored a sense of loyalty and passion for her community and the world that burned stronger with every word he spoke.

"Perhaps," Dumbledore began quietly, his tone giving every indication he already knew the answer to what he was about to ask, "you have heard of an opposition. A task force to combat the Dark Army."

Heads nodded slowly.

"It is called the Order of the Phoenix."

Not a word was spoken. Lily's eyes were bright and her entire being was focused on the headmaster. She could tell simply by the atmosphere that every other person in the room was just as enraptured as she.

"The Order was conceived to combat the Dark Lord, a force of Light and Defense, and beacon of Hope in a world that is slowly growing darker. Dorcas," Dumbledore gestured gracefully at the young girl, "joined at about your age, a few months after leaving this school. She is a scout for us; it was she who warned us of the ambush in Hogsmeade. Unfortunately; she was detained and unable to warn us in time to prevent it."

"Lestrange's bondage spell has a knack for getting in the way," Dorcas said mildly, an undercurrent of guilt and sorrow present in her voice.

Dumbledore seemed to consider her for a moment, a look passing between them that Dorcas evidently understood.

"We perform dangerous tasks. Members willingly risk their lives to uncover information, assist aurors, and ultimately provide safety as we can. We operate underground and from within the ministry, silent advocates. You have met many members, I believe, at Mr. Potter's delightful annual Christmas Parties."

Lily's tongue unstuck from the roof of her mouth slowly as she looked up at Dumbledore, understanding, her mind already made up.

"Like the military," she said quietly, her voice hoarse. Dumbledore looked at her.

"You might compare it to the Royal Navy, Miss Evans." He said obligingly, readily accepting her muggle world comparison.

"This is recruiting, then?" Sirius asked gruffly, suddenly, the first thing he'd said to any of them since his last words in Hogsmeade.

"I'm in," he said automatically, without a second's hesitation. Dumbledore's bushy white eyebrows went up in mild surprise.

"It is not a job to enter into lightly, Mr. Black. You might want to consider the risks—"

"With all due respect, _sir_," Sirius interrupted, bitterness evident in his voice, "you will _never_ convince me that the risks offset the benefits. I don't have to _consider_ a damn thing, all I need to know is where I sign up to put a stop to these bastards." He said harshly. Then:

"Pardon my French," he added as an afterthought, apparently deciding he had a little shame.

"I did not hear you _speak_ French, Sirius," Dumbledore replied in a mildly amused manner, his way of allowing Sirius to get away with the swearing. "I see Mr. Black is evidently eager to join my little band of vigilantes—"

"Molly's in this," Fabian broke in, looking at Gideon. "I heard her talking to Arthur, mentioning something about getting someone to watch Fred and George while she took a mission with…with Eleazer," he finished, slacking off and glancing at Frank.

"Dad was fighting with you," Frank said, looking at Dumbledore.

"You're offering us places? In the…Order of the Phoenix?" Alice asked, her tears mostly gone.

She had been listening with rapt attention the entire time.

"I am giving you the option, yes," Dumbledore replied, "I am letting you in on the secret though you are still students."

"Sirius is right. Risks don't matter." Alice said, standing up. "Count me in."

Frank stood up immediately behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder. He nodded his agreement, and Fabian and Gideon were right behind him, standing as well, and Remus followed suit.

Lily took one look at Ricky McDonald as he slowly stood, and thought of everything she had to fight for. Her mind had been made up for ages, and it was almost like having a weight lifted off of her shoulders to be a part of this, to know they were taking action. She stood up at the same time as Ricky, even as Deanna Pennywheat stood hesitantly as well.

She didn't say a word. She couldn't. Her words were stuck again.

"Prongs?" Sirius asked, a little glee creeping into his voice, as he leaned over and nudged James.

A slow grin spread over James's face, though it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"You _really_ have to ask?" he scoffed, standing up and turning to face Dumbledore.

The lights in Dumbledore's eyes shone brighter than ever; they even glistened. Lily would have sworn on her life there were tears in his eyes.

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Weight of the World by **Blue October**

**Let me know what you think!**


	24. A Quiet Mind

**A/N: This is the the second to last chapter, so to speak. There will be an epilogue of sorts...but what I'm really saying is, only two chapters left. And I'm really sad about it. I'm typing up Twenty-five, but it's hard to write because I'm sad to finish, so the update may not be as quick. Thank you all for reviewing so faithfully!**

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**Chapter Twenty-Four: A Quiet Mind**

N.E.W.T.s were, at last, over.

Lily resisted the urge to run right down to the Lake and chuck her Transfiguration book to the Giant Squid. Her last exam of her entire school career had been Practical Transfiguration—and she had been near tears the entire time, stressing over and nit-picking at every word of every answer. If she hadn't had James to help her through these theories and ideas the past few weeks, she wasn't sure she would have gotten through that horrid test.

After a moment, she opted to keep the Transfiguration textbook, and let it be a reminder of just another something she could overcome.

She did, however, head straight up to the dorm to change into informal clothing before she did anything else. Their class had been split into groups via alphabetical last name and then given a schedule rotating them to their exams, meaning she was split from every one of her friends except for Sirius—and he'd finished the Transfiguration exam in all of fifteen minutes, handing it in and walking out quietly. So, at the moment, she was alone.

Lily dropped her bag and books on the floor beside the stairs and took them two at a time to her bedroom, eagerly pulling denim shorts and her favorite _Beatles _t-shirt to go with it. In light of the rare elation she was feeling right now; she was willing to submit herself to James and Sirius's constant demands to know why her shirt was advertising bugs.

It didn't matter that she'd told them who the _Beatles_ were seven thousand times now.

Fluidly, she drew all her hair up in a messy ponytail and tied it off, whipping back out of the bathroom and down the stairs, her fingers running on the banister, spending less than five minutes in her room. It was warm and summery outside, they were so close to being done with their incessant schooling, and she knew the place where she could meet up with everyone, a sort of unspoken rendezvous point they'd had since the Hogsmeade Ambush almost two weeks ago.

She made her way to the hospital wing, passing two very distressed looking fifth years on her way and not bothering to suppress her triumphant grin.

The infirmary doors were propped open, and all the windows throughout the wing were open and light was beaming through. Lily sighed and made her way halfway down the right side to Susanna's still occupied bed.

She stopped her quick pace a little when she saw Sirius there, lounged back in a folding chair, raising it up on its back two legs, his barking laughter echoing across the room. Susanna was propped up in the bed as she had been since she'd woken up, a smile on her face.

"Lily, you don't need an invitation," she called, looking up after a moment, her eyes glinting mischievously.

"I didn't know if I was interrupting," Lily pleaded off, holding up her hands in surrender and approaching.

Susanna laughed and winced a little, her hand falling to her ribs. Lily conjured up a chair for herself easily and sat in front of Susanna's bedside table, looking at her friend.

The curse Rabastan Lestrange had hit her with had cracked or shattered most of her ribs and put her in danger of her life, as her lungs and heart had instantly been in peril. She'd spent almost three days unconscious and wrapped so she couldn't move while Madame Pomfrey gave her not only skele-grow but nearly seven other potions as well, just to keep her healing. Now she was steadily improving, though Madame Pomfrey was (as usual) coddling her enough to drive her insane. She still took a ghastly amount of potions, and her ribs hurt her when she laughed or acted to strenuously.

But at least her teachers had willingly allowed her practical exams to been overseen by Dumbledore in the hospital wing, and he'd worked out a deal with McGregor to let her off of the Defense exams, considering.

"So," Susanna began boredly, "how was Transfiguration?"

"Spectacularly easy," Sirius answered promptly. Lily scowled at him.

"I thought so, too…except all of the laws behind the animagi, some of those are just too in-depth and complicated—"

"Are not. I know 'em all by heart." Sirius interrupted Susanna snootily, turning up his nose.

"I thought it was torture." Lily said. Sirius raised a teasing eyebrow but didn't say anything.

"That's because you hate Transfiguration.' Susanna justified, shrugging. "Sash told me you finished your potion in ten minutes, left, came back and took the written exam early, finished it, and made the top grade on both."

Lily had the good grace to blush crimson, and mumble about not knowing how anyone knew that. Secretly, though, she was pleased. And Susanna, being her blunt and sarcastic self, called her on it.

"You realize I know you loved hearing me say that?"

"Stuff it," Lily replied, leaning back with a small smile.

A shout of laughter and quick footsteps announced the arrival of James, followed more calmly by Remus. When James scanned the room and caught sight of them, he let out a loud whoop of excitement and bounded across the room, diving at Sirius and tackling him to the floor.

"We're finished, mate, FINISHED!" he yelled as Sirius shoved him away with a lopsided grin and knocked his chair back onto its feet. James pulled himself to his feet using Susanna's bedclothes and then sat on the end of it, drawing his legs up Indian style. Remus leaned over the rail at the end of the bed, looking bemused.

"No more late-night studying, no more slaving over hours of homework, no more concentrating in double classes—"

"Excuse me," Lily interrupted indignantly, "when did you two do any of that?" she demanded, looking from Sirius to James.

They glanced at each other.

"Er…"

"Well, see…"

"Uh-huh." Lily grunted, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius gasped and scooted backwards in his chair, giving her a frightened look, and then turning a mock horrified face to James.

"She's channeling your _mother_," he hissed. James leaned back, swallowing.

"Yeah, well, maybe we should…stop…talking…" he said.

Lily just shook her head and met Remus's eyes over James's shoulder. He smiled at her and shrugged.

"We should do something monumental," Sirius announced, scooting all the way up to Susanna's bed and leaning forward, an evil glint slipping into his eyes and his old smirk falling easily into place on his lips. "Leave a hell of a mark, you know?"

He looked around sizing them up.

"We could blow up six toilets on six different floors at once," James suggested.

'We already did that," Remus said.

Lily and Susanna looked at each other. Third year.

"That was you?" Susanna asked, looking at them in disbelief. They nodded proudly, though Remus was a little more sheepish about the deed.

"You managed that in third year?" Susanna clarified, "and didn't get caught?"

"We're damn good," Sirius purred.

"Or damn stupid," Lily snorted.

"Ah, ah. Wrong, Miss Soon-to-be-not-head-girl-anymore…you're only stupid if you get _caught_."

Sirius explained like some old time scholar, looking devilish.

"Set something on fire?" Sirius suggested. James shook his head slowly.

"Come on, they'd know it was us."

"Who cares?"

"Good point. My vote's with the Slytherins."

"Their common room?" Lily asked, her brow furrowed, watching the quick-as-a-whip exchange between the boys. The both looked at her like she was crazy.

"No," James said slowly.

"Them," Sirius finished wickedly.

"You can't set the Slytherins on fire," Susanna said firmly.

"Why are we participating in this?" Lily asked suddenly, turning her attention to Susanna with laughter in her eyes.

"Dunno, Lils. After all, we do hate this bunch of arrogant, trouble-making, toe rags."

That drew laughter from them all.

"Oy, you merry band of Gryffindors,"

Lily leaned forward and looked around for Sasha, giving her a small wave when she saw the other girl sashaying down the hospital corridor. Sasha raised her eyebrows suggestively, a small smile playing around her lips, her eyes bright and disguising what Lily recognized as a mad urge to laugh hysterically, as she held up an opened envelope between two fingers.

"What've you got, Webber?" Black asked patronizingly. Sasha stuck her tongue out at him and stepped up to them all, dangling the letter in the middle close to James, giving them a glimpse of thin, elegant handwriting, before turning and presenting it to Lily in a grandiose manner.

"Though you might enjoy it," she said, giving the redhead a wink and speaking to the entire group. Lily looked at her suspiciously, smiling as she looked down and pulled out the parchment.

The page was covered in excited scrawl, ink blots were present all over, and it was clear the letter had been written in a fit of ecstasy and a huge hurry. Lily's eyes widened, lighting up as she read it, right down to the huge flourish that was Andromeda's flashy signature. She jumped out of her chair and onto the bed next to Susanna on her knees, waving the letter in the other girls face, squealing excitedly.

She didn't notice the alternately confused and frightened looks the boys were giving her.

"She did it! SHE _DID_ IT!" Lily shrieked, ignoring the pained look that flitted through Susanna's eyes. She held Andromeda's excitedly written letter in front of Susanna's eyes and five seconds later Susanna threw her arms around Lily and shrieked.

"She did not, she did _NOT_!"

"I'm confused," stated Sirius.

"Big surprise," James retorted.

"No, seriously. Someone explain girls to me."

"I think they're _excited_." Remus mused.

"ANDROMEDA GOT MARRIED!" Shrieked Lily, releasing Susanna and whirling around, throwing the letter at James with a huge grin plastered across her face. He looked at her blankly, like he hadn't comprehended. Sirius, on the other hand, snatched the letter away, eyes wide.

"_What_?!"

Sasha skipped to Lily's old place and pushed Susanna over a little, sitting next to her on the bed, holding her hands to her cheek.

"Isn't it romantic? Running off in the night and eloping…" she sighed. Lily rolled her eyes, nothing able to dim the smile.

"I wouldn't say romantic…thrilling maybe."

"How can you not think that's romantic? You're _weird_." Sasha admonished, looking outraged.

Lily shrugged, delighted all the same.

"When did Ted leave school?" Remus asked, looking confused. No one answered him with anything other than unknowing looks and shrugs. No doubt it had been in the midst of all the commotion that took place after the deaths of the few students and all the injuries. No one was really sure who had left and who had stayed, even now.

"How's that for sticking it where the sun don't shine, Sirius?" Susanna asked, her eyes glinting triumphantly. He looked at her, dropping the letter, a slow and evil smile spreading over his face.

"I want to go back to the moment they found out and replay it. Over and Over and Over…and over and over…and over—"

"We get it."

"No, I don't think you do." He said, shaking his head gleefully. Christmas, apparently, had finally come early for Sirius Black.

"You think she's happy?" Sasha asked dreamily, tracing a pattern on Susanna's sheets with a manicured nail.

"Deliriously," Lily answered, nodding. Andromeda was smart, no snap-decision maker. If she had run off with Ted, it was because she was one hundred percent happy and completely sure he was for her.

"One of us is _married_," Susanna snorted, and Lily couldn't tell if the look on her face was amused, wondrous, or disgusted. Probably a mix of all three.

"They're so young," Lily commented, shrugging.

"It's not uncommon in our world," James said, "my parents were nineteen when they got married." He informed her.

"Mine were twenty-five." Lily said. She knew people often got married younger in the Wizarding world; she'd deducted that from seeing the young intermingled families at James's Christmas party.

"We always thought _you'd_ get married first," Susanna said suddenly, stressing the 'you' as she turned to look accusingly at Lily. She looked appalled, and drew back a little.

"What? Me? Why!" she demanded, not sure whether to take offense or not.

"We dated," Susanna answered, shrugging, "you had relationships. You don't do things halfway."

Lily pondered that for a minute, thinking of the relationships she had had at Hogwarts. Maybe Susanna was right. There had been boys; she wasn't frigid nor did she enjoy playing hard-to-get, but she wasn't a serial dater. She'd been with Gideon nearly five months, and a few other boys similar amounts of times. And now there was…James? Sort of. Well, she didn't actually know about that.

She'd always been the kind of girl to just go with what she felt was right instead of over-analyzing and freaking out and doing the whole self-denial drama thing. But it still didn't mean her mind wasn't associating him with safety and just settling her with him. Then again…Sirius had been there that night too, so if that was the case, she could easily be focusing on him.

"Er. Lily."

"Hmmm?" she started, jumping and looking at the eyes around her. Sasha giggled, and she wasn't the only one.

"You zoned off," Sirius informed her.

"Were you planning your wedding?" Remus asked suspiciously, flashing her a friendly smile.

"Nah, I was dreaming of ways to kill Andromeda for stealing the first wedding slot…that according to _those_ two," she pointed mock angrily at Susanna and Sasha, "was _totally_ mine."

She laughed with them again, though she wished Susanna didn't have to struggle to calm down every time they laughed, holding her side.

"What on _EARTH_—GET OFF MISS FARRIS'S BED THIS _INSTANT_!" Madame Pomfrey descended on them frantically, her eyes wild.

Lily, Sasha, and James leapt off the bed like they'd been burned, looking sheepishly at the nurse, stepping back. The woman glared at Sirius and he straightened, scooting back slowly, not making any sudden movements. Remus was the only one who did not receive an angry glare, as he had always just stood at the end of the bed.

"The _lot_ of you, let her rest, or I will bar you from this hospital wing—that includes _you_, Mr. Black." She added, rounding on Sirius.

He looked outraged that she had singled him out.

Madame Pomfrey gave them all one last, good glare before she stalked off, tending to a patient at the end of the row who was the victim if a Cheering Charm gone horrible wrong.

They stood around sheepishly, trying not too laugh to loudly, anything to avoid drawing her back over to harp on at them.

"Lily," said Sirius suddenly, looking at her with confusion. Actually, he was looking at her chest…or so she thought. She prepared to scream at him, when he continued. "I thought you hated beetles?"

She groaned.

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Lily looked around her room in the dorm in disbelief. Next year, this room would belong to another Head Girl, a new occupant, someone who would fix it up completely differently from the way it so comforted Lily now. Surprisingly, this room held almost as many memories as the one in Gryffindor Tower, and as her own room at home. Yes, this dorm held memories that scared her, made her sick, and shamed her—unlike her home and the tower, but this was also the place where she'd overcome…or, started to, some of her meanest demons. Her home away from Home.

But no…it wasn't really that. Hogwarts was home. She had considered it home for so long now, even before she realized it. Her life was here, in this world. She would never be able to feel fully herself and fully comfortable in her parent's world. It didn't scare her as much as she thought it would; she had moved away from that so much now…it had been unfamiliar to her when she was back before Christmas, she'd felt out of place, all of her childhood friends were grown and changed, not her type of people anymore. It was here, even then, after what had happened and what Mulciber had done to her, that she wanted to be.

She stood in the middle of the room, slowly revolving. She'd started to sort through her things, separate them, what she needed, keepsakes, her usual OCD organization method. She had to admit to a little fear, not to what she would do next, but to where she would go from here. She came into the trust fund her grandparent's had left her when she graduated, that was how their will granted the money—she and Petunia had access to it upon completion of school.

It was probably a good thing the will didn't specify what _type_ of school.

She would have to go home, see her parents, and get her things. It was the after that part that was a bit daunting. Should she take that money, get a flat for herself as she found a job? And it wasn't only that…it was the Order, constantly in the back of her mind. Every time she thought of it she wanted only to be in action, to be combating the dark lord. Things got worse every day, and she waited on tenterhooks for it to strike too close to home, like it almost already had.

_Knock, knock._

"'M coming in," James announced from behind the door, opening it and grinning, leaving it open.

"Sure, James, you can come—oh, wait." She looked at him sarcastically. "The point of knocking is waiting for an invitation." She informed him.

"Want me to leave?" he asked.

"No," she answered calmly, shaking her head and going back to staring philosophically around the room. She felt him come up behind her and rest his chin on her shoulder.

'What are we looking at?" he whisper-yelled in her ear. She swatted him away with an eye-roll.

He stuck his tongue out at the back of her head and went over to the bed, opening the bedside drawer and pulling out a package of Chocolate Frogs, opening one and biting its head off as he flopped down on the bed, leaning against the head board.

Lily turned, and he attempted to look innocent as he looked at her with his mouth full of her candy. She glowered at him.

"How'd you know those were there?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm awesome?" he tried. She glowered harder. "Er, okay…I was hiding in the closet one day and I saw you come in and get one and leave."

Lily's eyes widened.

"What the hell where you doing in the closet?!" she demanded, trying to figure out if she was highly amused or incredibly angry.

"Sirius was chasing me with a fireplace poker." James responded, deadpan.

Lily just stared at him and let it go, the corners of her lips twitching in a smile. She let her hands slide from their authoritative place on her hips and reached up, tucking an escaped hair from her ponytail behind her ear.

"We're graduating _tomorrow_," she said, sounding faraway even to herself.

"Unbelievable, innit?" James responded, examining the frog closely. Lily nodded slowly, watching him absentmindedly.

"Blimey, Evans," he said looking up, serious suddenly, "yesterday Sirius was pulling Susanna's hair. Frank was four feet tall, Remus had a girl's voice and you were screaming at me for making fun of you after our first flying lesson."

Lily smiled at him, letting out a breath of laughter.

"It wasn't may fault that stupid broom wouldn't listen," she defended, "and as I remember it, Sirius did that once and she blacked his eyes."

"I never did learn who taught her that right hook," James said, blowing out air. Lily's eyes lit up mischievously.

"I did. On the train." She confessed.

He stared at her, and she shrugged.

"Self-defense in my world. My daddy showed me," she said, a fond look in her eye.

They remained in silence, each of them thinking, probably both thinking of all they'd been through, good and bad since the first year here. Lily reached up and pulled her hair out of the ponytail, shaking it down her back and combing her fingers through it as she walked around to the opposite side of the bed as James was on. She sat down, brushing it all to one side over her shoulder, and looking at him.

"Where you going next?" he asked. When her brow furrowed, asking for more information, he continued readily. "Home? Or your own place?"

Lily sighed and put her hands on her knees, looking at her door without really seeing it.

"Hmmmm," she murmured, thinking about it all again. "Home, for a few days," she decided finally, that was for sure. "Then…not sure. A flat, maybe with Susanna. She sure as hell wants outta her house."

"Cause…you know," James said, continuing as if she'd never spoken, "if you need a place to stay for a while…well, you've seen my place. You wouldn't have to look at me."

Lily turned to look at him, giggling. She shifted her legs onto the bed and stretched out next to him, throwing one arm behind her head as a pillow and looking up at the ceiling. She reached over and grabbed a chocolate frog from the box in James's lap and tore at it with her teeth.

"Offer duly noted," she said through a mouthful of wrapping. He laughed at her and rested his head back against the headboard.

"Ah, Lily." He sighed. She snorted with mirth at the tone of his voice, and then she couldn't figure out why I was so amusing.

"Hey," she started, feeling like reminiscing, "remember that time…"

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A Quiet Mind by **Blue October**

**Review! Please:]**


	25. Leaving This Place

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A/N: I'm satisfied with the length of this one, but MY OH MY was it hard to write. I'm sorry it took longer :[ but I did try my best. This is, in essence, the last chapter, though there is a sort of epilogue coming. Thank yoy oh so much for the reviews on the last chapter; they were very kind and there were many of them! Read on:] I hope I don't disappoint!

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**Chapter Twenty-Five: Leaving This Place**

Lily couldn't remember a more beautiful day in all of the ones she'd spent as Hogwarts, and she took it as a damn good omen.

She stood looking out the window from her room, watching the seventh years start to mosey out of the castle and down to the lawn where elegant white chairs were set up. The lake sparkled deep navy blue, the sky and the sun obliged the day with the perfect combination of warmth and light blue. Not a cloud was in sight. She could only imagine how fantastic it must feel.

Lily turned away from the window and took a quick glance around the room; unmade bed, half-packed items, belongings strewn everywhere. She was in the process of getting everything together. They were leaving, gone for Hogwarts for good, not coming back as students, in just a few days. It was the most unbelievable feeling in the world.

She moved into the bathroom, checking over her reflection one last time. For the millionth time, which was so unlike her. She picked up a hardly ever used tube of clear lip gloss and put it to her lips, putting it only slowly. She pulled the tube away and turned her head a little, examining the effect.

Her hair was curled and all pulled to the side in a green clip, bangs swept along her forehead. Her make-up was a little darker than usual, she had in earrings her parents had given her for her sixteenth birthday, and she was clad in a simple cloth white dress that bore tiny embroidered mint green flowers along the hem and the ribbon at the waist. It was new; she couldn't help but treat herself to it when she saw it in a magazine her mother had sent her.

Everyone would be dressed nicely today. There wasn't really a commencement ceremony at Hogwarts, not like in her world anyway. There were no parents, no top-of-the-class speeches, but instead a ceremony presenting each student with their credentials for career opportunities, occasional awards, food, memories, and a day on the lawn with the younger students all confined inside.

Lily was looking forward to it with excitement.

She left the bathroom and slipped on her green sandals outside of the door, deciding it was time she headed out after everyone else. She caught sight of James pulling his bedroom door shut as she descended the stairs and beamed, admiring his dark blue dress robes. He turned and flashed a toothy grin at her as she reached the bottom step and spread out his arm in a flourish, wriggling his eyebrows.

"Who would know you clean up so nice?" she asked.

He rolled his eyes at her and messed with his hair…making it her turn to roll her eyes. They met each other in the middle of the room and he bowed to her, outrageously formal and mocking. He straightened up, looking over her with his hand at his chin like he was a very serious art connoisseur perusing a painting.

"After careful consideration I've come to the conclusion I'm calling magical law enforcement because you look s--"

Lily slapped her hand over his mouth, her eyes dancing.

"If you make a cheesy comment, I'll hit you."

He licked the inside of her palm, and she jerked it away, looking at him in disgust.

"Fine," he said, turning and pushing open the exit of the dorm, "you look _pretttttttyyyyy_." He trilled, imitating a three year old.

Lily shook her head and followed him out; giving the few classrooms they passed on their way down to the grand Hogwarts foyer a gleeful look. They were all full of little Hogwarts students studying away at their schoolwork…and she was done with that forever.

"Is there a reason you're smiling like a lunatic, Evans/" James asked suddenly, pretending to inch away from her and giving her an odd look.

"I've just…got a good feeling," she replied softly, in a slightly dreamy way. James smiled at her, and tossed an arm around her shoulders.

"Me too, Lily-goat." He said comfortably. He led her down the grand staircase and into the foyer, where the crowd of students going out to the lawn was starting to get bigger. He greeted a few Quidditch players he was friendly with; two Ravenclaws and a Hufflepuff, and she said a quick hello to Deanna Pennywheat, their eyes sharing what they knew about their involvement in the Order. It was a very good feeling the few of them who knew about it got, when they saw each other. Like they alone were making the world a better place…even if they hadn't officially done anything yet.

"Lily! James!"

Sasha flew up to them, throwing her arms around Lily. Lily laughed and hugged her back, pulling away and touching a strand of Sasha's orange and bouncily curled hair. Her personality was vivid and evident in the pink and yellow polka-dotted sundress she wore, complete with teal platforms.

"This is so weird," she breathed, looking at them both with the sun in her eyes. "Like, I keep pinching myself to see if it's really happening…_ouch_!" she pinched herself, and then giggled, amused.

"Which part, the fact we're leaving or the fact that Sirius and James managed to graduate?" Lily quipped, earning a shoulder nudge from her companion. James stuck out his tongue.

"And so he proves my point," Lily whispered loudly, jerking her thumb at him. Sasha just beamed at them both and looked over her shoulder, shouting and beckoning. Alice and Frank looked up at her call, and Alice pulled Frank with her, dragging him over to join them. Lily didn't think she'd ever seen the quiet, reserved Alice Willow so excited and aglow with energy.

Maybe that was how they were _all_ looking, all feeling.

It was new, to feel this light and happy, carefree and worriless. It had been so long since she'd had not one bit of darkness in her mind she'd forgotten how drunken happiness could make you feel. She accredited it to the hope of the new day, of what was to come. Maybe it was that this _didn't_ seem like a real day, so they were free to think it was perfect, and use it as an escape, before they crashed into the real, scary world.

"Madame Pomfrey let Susanna out," Alice breathed, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Who pulled that off?" James asked, looking surprised. Alice grinned and pointed over Lily's shoulder; they turned. Sure enough, Susanna was making her way across the lawn to them with Sirius at her side, looking both mischievous and strangely calm…for him.

"Suze," Lily said quietly, holding out her hands and taking the other girl's. Susanna laughed breathlessly, still showing that small wince in her eyes, and kissed Lily's cheek, looking her redheaded friend over and nodding with approval.

"Gorgeous," she complimented.

'I could say the same," Lily answered, giving a playful whistle at Susanna's dark violet halter dress and simple ponytail look. Susanna beamed, nodding her head, greeting Alice and Sasha, Frank and lastly James.

"Sirius," Lily greeted with a smile. He'd walked up behind Susanna, hands in his pockets. James whirled around and punched him in the shoulder, looking excited. Sirius punched him back, and it turned into what looked to Lily like a mini wrestling match. She shook her head, tilting her head at their ridiculousness, until they were stopped by the arrival of Remus and Gideon.

"Wish Andy was here," Susanna said breezily, a small smile on her face.

"Oh, we wouldn't want to drag her away from her _honeymoon_," Sasha cooed, a sly look on her face.

Sirius looked horrified.

"That is my cousin's sex life you're talking about. Stop!" he ordered, pretending to cover his ears.

"Oh…right…sorry Sirius," Sasha said, a slow grin spreading over her face. She turned to Alice, Lily and Susanna, whispering theatrically, pretending she couldn't be heard.

"What do you think she wore? Reckon Ted was any good?"

Alice turned bright red. Lily giggled; Susanna's eyes lit up with laughter, a smirk on her face, and Sirius yelled in outrage and jumped away from them, pointing accusingly.

"Lighten up, Black, afraid of a little sex?" Sasha asked sweetly, wiggling her eyebrows.

That changed his tune.

"Afraid? _Afraid_? Let me tell you a story about a boy and his epic—"

"You'll want to stop him _now_," Susanna interrupted boredly, throwing him an indulgent, laughing look. He raised an eyebrow at her and made like he was zipping his mouth shut.

"We should sit," Gideon said suddenly, turning slightly and glancing at the castle doors. They opened slowly and Dumbledore strode out, followed by the four heads of houses, all dressed in nice robes, light, summery colors. He was right; everyone else took the teacher's arrival as a cue to take a seat.

They made their way to the section of chairs on the left, the two quadrants leaving a makeshift aisle in the middle. There were enough seats for them, bunched in a group, in about the middle, and they took them, whispering quietly, listening to the rustle of everyone else settling in. After a moment, everything fell silent. Lily turned to the front and set her eyes on Dumbledore, who stood in the middle of a raised platform on the grass, smiling fondly at them all, waiting patiently for silence.

"As of this moment, you are no longer students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

There was almost a palpable collective intake of breath.

"Therefore, I ask you, as adults and equals, for your brief attention as I ramble on one last time."

Dumbledore gave a knowing smile, and there was the quietest smattering of laughter throughout the students.

"You have come such a long way since the day you entered this school as eager young first-years, ready to learn, make trouble," here a glance directly at Sirius and James, "and prepare yourselves to be excellent witches and wizards. I am delighted to say, you have achieved all of those goals. You have to no end impressed us, stunned us, made us smile, and I have no doubt that you will go on to cast your lights on this world and contribute your spectacular gifts to society."

Dumbledore looked around, beaming, seeming to catch every one of them in the eye and twinkle at them. McGonagall and Slughorn stood to one side of them, representing Slytherin and Gryffindor, and Sprout and Flitwick stood to the other, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw's representatives respectively. Madame Sprout subtly wiped a tear from her eye.

"There is always something scary, something uncertain and daunting about the future. The fact that we cannot predict it alone can make us want to run the other way. Today, in your futures, you face an even greater challenge than uncertainty: you face danger. You will walk into a future that holds turmoil, strife, and war. It is not something we can ignore any longer, it is a thing we must look in the eye and prepare ourselves to fight. This year at Hogwarts…has been more than difficult,"

Dumbledore stopped, his suddenly solemn eyes roving over them all. Lily heard a few sniffles and heavy breaths around her.

"We have suffered a loss in our numbers; we have suffered deaths, injuries, and injustices. And yet we sit here today. All of you before me have made it this far. You have persevered, worked hard, you have not lost hope. I am here to remind you of that, to implore you to never lose your hope. That is what will keep our fight alive; hope is what will keep darkness at bay. You are being sent off into an uncertain, prejudiced world. You will be forced to make choices.

Dumbledore paused ever so slightly and started fluidly again, obviously nearing the end of his speech.

"Remember that your choices are yours alone. No one can make them for you. They will, no doubt, be difficult, they may even hurt. But they are _yours_. And you will always have the power to make the right one. You have made it thus far; you have proved yourselves ready. I entrust you to yourselves now, I give you my blessing, and I extend my hand. Congratulations to you all."

The students erupted in the shouts of excitement, shrieks of joy. No one moved from their chairs, but everyone was twisting around, laughing, girls were wiping tears off of their faces, and Lily could only look at Dumbledore, smiling softly, touched as always by the weight and intelligence of his words.

"Without further adieu—for I know you wish to enjoy the banquet and I blather on far too much—we will now commence with the presentation of portfolios. When your name is called, please report to your head of house and accept your portfolio containing your record and all recommendations and paperwork you will need for obtaining a job. You are then free to enjoy yourselves for the rest of the—"

**BOOM.**

Shrieks erupted from around them all, chairs flipped over as students dived down, hiding from the blast that had sounded from somewhere behind them all. Lily only lifted her head up cautiously, her breath gone from her body, when she heard a soft snicker next to her. She looked up, and Sirius looked down at her, raising an eyebrow. Suspicious, she got up on her knees and looked around.

A few feet back from all the chairs, a flowery bush had suddenly exploded into thousands of little red and gold fireworks that now shot off in many different directions, alternately forming Gryffindor symbols. As students slowly got back to their seats, Dumbledore's voice rumbled over the cacophony, cool and yet amused.

"Thank you, Mr. Black," he said.

"Couldn't resist," Sirius shouted, shrugging and then raising his palms to the sky with a smirk.

AS everyone began to realize what happened, a few cheers broke out among the snickers and they were yelling again, standing beside seats, eager to get moving. McGonagall cleared her throat and Dumbledore raised his palms to them with a wide smile, waiting.

They quieted, though there was much more fidgeting and secretive whispering this time.

"I shall begin with the student who has excelled since her first year here, topping her fellows in every class every year since her arrival, and scoring highest on her N.E.. This student, one of the most talented witches I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, graduating top of the class and as Head Girl, is Miss Lily Jennifer Evans,"

Lily bowed her head for a moment, hiding the tears and the flush, as everyone around her started to clap and cheer. Susanna squeezed her arm and Sasha half hugged her as she stood up and put a smile on, maneuvering into the aisle and stepping up to the platform, shaking the teachers' hands warmly and accepting her soft pink portfolio from a curly smiling Professor McGonagall. AS she turned to Dumbledore, he took her hand, clasping it in his with a warm smile.

"Good luck, Lily," he said gently. She felt something cold press against her palm, and as she left the stage, making her way down the two stairs to the side, where the refreshment table was set out and looking extremely tempting, she opened her hand to find a tiny silver charm in the shape of a phoenix, with a simple emerald embedded in its eye.

She ran her thumb over it and then turned it over, bringing it closer to her eyes to read the scrawled, tiny inscription on the back.

_Order_

She smiled, blinking tears away, as she closed her palm again and brought it to her chest, turning around to watch the rest of the commencement.

James and Sirius tied for second best in class, to the surprise of absolutely no one. They were followed by Susanna, Remus, then a Slytherin girl, a Hufflepuff boy, Gideon, Frank, Alice, a few others, and so on and so forth. James was presented with a plaque commending his efforts on the Quidditch team. It didn't take long for Dumbledore to get out all the names, and as the last student leapt off the platform, the chattering began, excitement filling the summer afternoon outside of Hogwarts.

"You get one, too?" James muttered in Lily's ear as she sat down on a grassy bank close to the lake with a plate balanced on her knees. He flipped open his palm between them and revealed the trinket in his hand, same as hers, though with a ruby in the eye. Lily nodded, touching a pocket on the waist of her dress.

"We got 'em, too," Sirius said quietly, from behind them, nodding to Alice and Frank. They quieted about it, not mentioning it to Gideon, when Susanna and Sasha arrived, giggling. Lily wasn't sure why the people who had been picked for the Order had, but she was sure Sasha wasn't the type to be involved. Not that she didn't resist the Dark Lord, but more that she wasn't a fighter. And Susanna, of course, had been so ill when they'd met with Dumbledore…but Lily wondered. Why hadn't Dumbledore approached her?

Lily looked away, out over the lake, putting a piece of cake in her mouth, watching the tentacles of the giant squid lazily appear and swirl around.

It suddenly occurred to her that this was the last time she would do this.

And then it occurred to her that she had about a million and one decisions to make in the next seventy-two hours that would define her life from here on.

Lily looked down at her plate and stared at it as if it had somehow brought those thoughts crashing down and betrayed her. She ate a little more of her food absently, her mind reeling, faraway eyes lifting slowly to watch the squid flop around for a moment. Then she slowly set down the plate and stood up, brushing off her dress and walking towards the lake a little, coming to a stop beneath the giant tree she and her friends had always done their homework under in the sunny months.

It would be someone else's 'spot' from now on. She'd met Andromeda under this tree, when the rambunctious other girl had come over to engage Sasha in some mischief and instead stayed and chattered for hours. Gideon had asked her out under this tree, her friendship with Severus had ended as a result of this tree…well, sort of. James had hung him from it…yet still. It had defined a lot of moments in her life, here at Hogwarts. Kind of like the old viney swing in the backyard at home.

She sighed and looked up, squinting her eyes at the sun that streamed through the leafy branches, tilting her head against the rough bark of the tree.

She heard a shuffle behind her, and smiled a little, not turning around. He came up beside her.

"I was trying to figure out a way to get your attention without sneaking up on you."

"How was that going?"

"Err…I decided to just walk up."

"Good plan," Lily said, nodding, a full smile spreading over her face. He grinned at the approval.

They stood in silence, James following Lily's eyes out over the sparkling lake, crossing his arms beside her.

"Psssst," he hissed after a moment, "what are we looking at?"

Lily didn't answer right away; instead she sifted slightly so her back was against the tree and she was turned towards him, hands folded behind her back, cushioning her spine. She looked up at him a little, still squinting.

"This year…it wasn't anything like I thought it'd be." She said, shrugging a little. "And now it's over and I don't know what to think."

She looked back at the lake, drumming her fingers against the tree.

"It's disconcerting," she laughed.

He looked at her sideways and shifted his feet.

"I wish it had been different. It _should_ have been different. You shouldn't have been hurt," his voice was tight, his fists clenched a little, and he looked away from her, his eyes darkening a little.

"No," Lily said harshly, "I shouldn't have." She rolled her head back and looked at him and held a mix of hurt and anger in her shimmery green eyes. "But I _was_." She quieted, closing her eyes and opening them slowly, wetting her eyelashes with unshed tears.

"Seventh year's the best. It's always the best. But ours was nothing bug death and darkness. I wish we could change that," James said regretfully.

"Maybe," Lily said. She tilted her head at him and met his eyes; he looked quizzical.

"You wouldn't change what happened? What he did to you?" James demanded. Lily blinked at him and pulled a hand out from behind her back to draw a nail under her eyes, whisking away tears before they could fall.

"Of course I would. He took something I'll never get back, James, and I have to deal with it the rest of my life," she said shakily, and James backed down a little. He'd never quite heard her speak about it with such vulnerability and honesty. "I cry about it and I toss and turn about it, I try not to dwell on it, but it's _there_. He's there. I will hate him for it forever. I will never forgive him,"

She shook her head a little, her trembling lips pursing.

"But everything can't always be perfect. And when I saw 'maybe'…I just," she took a quick breath and blew it out, fluttering the ends of her bangs. "I don't know. It's been a defining year."

James stepped closer and she cracked a watery smile.

"I sound mad," she whispered conspiratorially, winking at him. He shook his head slowly.

"You sound like Sirius," he admitted. Lily rolled her eyes half-heartedly, but she couldn't really say anything. Her throat was a little constricted.

"I feel weak. Stupid," she admitted, muttering.

"You're not. Why would you think that? You aren't weak, Lily, just because someone overpowered you."

"I'm weak because I could have stopped it," she snapped, interrupting his pep talk. He looked taken aback, and pursed his lips, furrowing his brows in confusion.

"Maybe not when I was caught off guards, two on one in the tower…but why didn't I tell? I didn't tell anyone. Why did I let him convince me I was worth so little?" she asked, looking at him, her eyes demanding an answer for her words.

"I…" he started, lifting a shoulder. He looked at her in frustration, and glanced over to the group sitting up a little on the grassy bank. They were all laughing, carefree—at least on the surface—though both Sirius and Susanna seemed to be keeping one eye each on Lily and James.

"It doesn't matter, Lily—"

"It matters to me," she interrupted again, "it mattes that I let him put me down. I'm smarter than that. Mary McDonald told. Why couldn't I? What does that make me?"

"Scared. Embarrassed, Ashamed, uncertain, confused, pick one!" James yelled, louder than he'd intended. "Yeah, Lily! You should have told someone, he shouldn't _ever_ have been able to touch you again! Is that what you want to hear? No one believed Mary. You were traumatized. Betrayed by someone you trusted," he spoke of Snape here, and she flinched, remembering the other boy's imploring her to believe he hadn't been involved, he hadn't known, "You. Were. Scared. What's wrong with being scared? _What_?" he demanded.

He glared at her through angry and desperately clouded chocolate brown eyes, as if willing her to see something she just couldn't. Didn't he understand how this all felt? She'd done such a good job of moving past it this second semester, of pulling herself out of the hole Mulciber had locked her in, but now, time was standing still and on the brink of shooting forward and she just felt like she needed to face it all and leave it behind, at Hogwarts.

She didn't want the shadows hanging over her. She wanted to start over, with the person who she was, encompass all of her, remember but not let it consumer her. At the moment, he didn't know how much he was helping…but she really didn't either.

"Lily," James tried again, frustration evident in his voice, he stepped closer and put his hands on her shoulders, pulling her forward a little. "You are not weak," he said, looking at her sharply.

Lily shook her head and pressed her lips together; she leaned her head forward and pressed it against his chest, below his neck. He put a hand on her head, running it down over her head.

She closed her eyes and let herself cry a little, in a way washing away the way she was feeling right now. Like some final stage of catharsis, if you will. Maybe she just wanted someone to tell her that, to make her start believing it herself. When she pulled her head back and looked up, James dropped his hand from the back of her head to behind her, resting his arm over her shoulder.

"You know I've cried more this year than I did in six put together?" she asked, her tone taking on a tinge of annoyance and amusement. James shrugged.

"Ah, it's okay. So has Sirius," he whispered, jabbing his thumb at the group up the bank a little.

Lily snorted and shook her head, rolling her eyes at him. He looked at her with a half-smile and played with her hair behind her neck.

"I've thought some. I've thought a lot," she said suddenly, looking up at him brightly. Though her eyes still shone with tears, she felt the weight slipping back a little, and the lightness coming back to the front. Sometimes she just needed to get it off her chest.

"You ever wonder if you think too much?" James asked slyly, in a half-mumble. Lily slapped his shoulder lightly, and shook her head. She smirked and sighed dramatically.

"You're _quite_ right, Potter, and I see it bores you. I'll just be going, then, to _think_ some more—"

He shot his other arm out beside her when she turned to go, pressing his palm against the tree next to her head. She raised an eyebrow and he sighed, rolling his eyes.

"All right, Evans. I'll indulge you." He said flippantly, flashing the familiar arrogant smirk that used to make her see red with annoyance.

"I've figured it out," she said slowly, "and I think I've gotten rid of that evil twin. The one that wouldn't go out with you if you were the last wizard on earth?"

James studied her with suspicious eyes for a moment, no doubt remembering their conversation in Hogsmeade just a few weeks ago.

_I had it drilled into me by a certain person…maybe it was your evil twin…that you decidedly did not want to date me…_

_I don't want it to be like I fell into your arms because you were there._

…_smarter than that…_

…_I'm trying to figure it out…_

…_.you do that…_

"Lily," he said, still looking a little suspicious, "before I proceed with my next course of action, I must first ask you if you are under the influence of a Confundus charm and or alcohol? If not, my next question is: Did Sirius put you up to this?"

Lily laughed outright, tossing her head back a little, full-throated, and shook her head slowly as her eyes shimmered.

"Neither," she answered, nodding her head a little to the right, "but the aforementioned friend of yours is watching us. _Conspicuously_." She informed him in a hiss.

James didn't even look.

"Er…what was the next course of action?" Lily asked, leaning her head back a little, "It wasn't giving me that creepy stalker glare, was it?" she raised an eyebrow slightly. James shook his head slowly.

"I'm going to kiss you," he said, leaning in closer, "just as a warning," he said, dipping his head and catching her lips under his, still with that smirk. Lily reached out with her hand to place it against his chest, keeping him at arm's length just to be cautious. She tilted her head slightly and kissed him back, letting herself get a feel for what her mind and body thought of this…

…not that she had time to do that, as they were rudely interrupted by a loud, sharp wolf-whistle.

Lily pulled away and turned her face away, grinning a little, blushing furiously, refusing to look at Sirius, who had shouted something else and was standing up, no doubt with a ridiculous grin splayed over his roguish face.

James hung his head, his forehead touching her shoulder slightly.

"You're _never_ going to live this down," he teased. When she just shook her head in embarrassment and pinched him, he grabbed her hand and pulled it away from him gingerly, holding her fingers.

"Let's go face the hounds," he said, _clearly_ enjoying himself.

* * *

The horseless carriages stood at the ready, lined up neatly, ready to be filled with chattering students who were to be carted off to the train station that would then carry them back home.

Hogwarts students were running wild over the lawn, looking for forgotten things, shouting goodbyes, playing a few last minute games with magic before they had to stow away their wands for the summer. The first day of June and the last day of school had turned out beautifully; the sun was bright and yet it managed not to be sweltering hot but instead just perfect, the heat offset by a lazy breeze.

Lily stood by her trunk and duffle bag, going over a mental checklist in her head while watching the younger students, all who would be returning next year, celebrate their release from schoolwork for three full months.

"Alice, toss up Serafina's carrier!" Sasha called, peeking out of their carriage. Alice nodded and lifted up the petite brown cage that held Sasha's beloved grey cat, handing it off to the other girl gently. Sasha wiggled her fingers through the bar at the cat and nestled it in the carriage next to her things, hopping down. Alice lifted up her own trunk and slid it in, making sure to leave room for Lily's things.

Sasha shielded her eyes from the sun and looked upwards, back at the majestic Hogwarts castle that they'd all called home for seven years now.

"This is it," she announced, sounding thrilled. Alice turned and looked as well, meeting Lily's eyes and shaking her head in the same disbelief.

"Hey," Susanna said softly, coming around the carriage. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and took Lily's arm, rolling her eyes at Sasha's back and smirking. "Give me a hand," she said, tugging the red head.

Lily followed her around the grand white carriage and helped her lift up her trunk, glancing past Susanna's shoulder to the next transport in line, where Sirius and Remus were currently fighting over something she couldn't see.

"Looking for James?" Susanna asked, raising an eyebrow as she leaned against the side of the carriage. She smiled sadly; Lily shrugged, blushing slightly.

"Looking for something," she said. Susanna nodded, knowing her friend's meaning exactly.

They were all leaving their haven, the place where they'd been trained, nurtured, felt safe—even if it had been a bit darker place this year—and venturing out into an even blacker world. It was exciting in the most terrifying way. There would be no more school, no more teachers, no more work and tests; instead there would be work, money, fighting, uncertainty…and especially for the next few weeks.

Lily wasn't sure what Susanna's plans were; she barely knew what her own were. From here, she was on her way home, for a few weeks at the most. She'd been considering James's offer lately, but she was busy deciphering what exactly she was willing to get into in that are as well.

"Sasha's lucky," Susanna muttered, looking through the carriage to where Sasha had bounded away from Alice to throw her arms around her boyfriend, kissing him flamboyantly on the cheek.

"Damn lucky," Lily agreed, watching them. Sasha had applied for an internship at _Witch Weekly_ in the fashion and design department a few weeks ago, and had been immediately accepted to their program. She knew where she was going in the next few days, which was more than most of them could say.

Lily leaned forward, considering shouting something to Sasha, when a flash of gold flew by her nose and whipped past the corner of her eye, startling her. She jumped and leapt away from the carriage, looking around with wide eyes.

Susanna rolled her eyes with a smile and jerked her head forward, past Lily's shoulder. She turned to the carriage and hopped in, moving to the other side to speak to Alice and leaving Lily to turn and find James behind her, holding a weakly flapping golden snitch between his thumb and forefinger.

"Where did you get that?" she sighed, shaking her head patronizingly.

"Nicked it," he responded proudly, letting it go and catching it again just as quickly, wiggling his eyebrows at her.

"Delinquent," she accused.

"Goody two-shoes," he fired back, sticking out his tongue.

Lily smiled. They heard a jolting noise and James turned, looking in the direction of the front of the line. A few of the carriages were moving away; and towards the middle a few students started shrieking and rushing to get their things ready.

"I've got to load my trunk," Lily said, pushing away from the carriage and moving back around it. James followed her and got her duffle bag, giving it a curious look before tossing it in atop her trunk. Susanna glared at him as he hit her legs with it.

"Careful!" Lily cried, slapping his hand.

"What's in there?" James asked, rubbing his knuckles.

"Her _library_," Sasha responded, clapping his shoulder and rolling her eyes. She jumped into the carriage and settled in, reaching out a hand to Alice and pulling her up.

"OY Prongs! Get your moon-eyed arse over here!" bellowed Sirius. James rolled his eyes and lifted the snitch up between himself and Lily, holding it between their noses.

"We're never coming back," he said matter-of-factly.

"I can't believe we're leaving," lily responded, her eyes moving from the sparkling snitch to the boy in front of her. She rubbed her palms on her jeans and reached up a hand to grab a handle on the carriage. She looked up at the castle, the year, and then the last seven years, flashing before her eyes; she looked back down at James, her eyes determined.

"But I'm ready to go," she said, sure of the fact. He nodded and closed his palm over the snitch tightly, slipping his hand in his pocket. He winked at her.

"See you in three weeks, Evans," he said, scrambling past her into the carriage. Susanna growled at him and wacked him in the head with her book, while Sasha and Alice squealed and moved out of James's way as he barreled through all of them, hopping through the other side to get to his own carriage.

James turned around as Sirius launched himself onto his back and ruffled his hair, and cupped a hand around his mouth a little.

"Don't look back," he shouted, hoisting himself into the carriage and tumbling into it with Sirius hassling him the whole way. Lily sat down in the floor of her carriage and leaned back against Alice's seat, turning her back slightly to the front of the school.

She didn't look back. She didn't need to. She was ready to move forward with her life.

* * *

Leaving This Place by**Blue October**

**Review, dearies! Please:]**


	26. Epilogue: Safe

**A/N: Finis! This is hard to believe for me, that its over. It's been my baby, this story. So this is the epilogue. It's rather short, I hope good enough to be called 'sweet'. I hope it satisfies, hope it works. It was very difficult to write, believe you me, not only in technical form but because I'm so sad to be done! YES. I am contemplating a sequel, but that's not a promise. I want to do one; but I'm not sure if that would be...I don't know the word. Anyway, please read on. **

**A last note: thank you SO much to all of you who have added me or the story to alert or favorites, and to those of you who consistently review and encourage. I appreciate it all so very much!**

**Enjoy:]**

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* * *

****Epilogue (Chapter Twenty six): Safe**

Lily took the stairs two at a time, her palm skating along the staircase railing as she made her way back to her bedroom, three old and frayed books in one hand. She re-entered her room, smiling a little in the late-afternoon sunlight that streamed happily through her open window.

Running her fingers over the faded and dusty title of the book on top, the fairytales her father had read to her as a child, she wedged the books gently into the side of her trunk, furrowing her eyebrows in a bit of dismay as she glanced at the items still on the bed that needed to be fit in.

"Find them okay?" Edward Evans asked, appearing in her doorway. Lily turned toward him, placing a hand on her hip. Her father leaned against the doorway; arms folded, and shook his head with a raised eyebrow.

"Right next to that old pipe of Grandfather's you used to _pretend_ to smoke," she replied. Edward snorted, nodding his head with a nostalgic smile. His eyes fell to the neat mess of luggage on her bed, then roaming over her packed things and her now bare room.

"Your mother's going to cry," he announced resignedly, shifting his gaze back to her. Lily rolled her eyes affectionately and reached for the cotton blanket her favorite aunt had made for her, tucking it in around the books, to protect them.

"You knew this day would come," Lily said, moving on to the last few clothing items that were left, folding them meticulously and finding places in the crammed trunk to place them. She heard her father make a noise of agreement.

"I guess your mom and I always figured you'd stick around longer. It's only been a month since Tuney left," Edward hesitated, and rolled his head back and forth, "but we have had time to adjust to you not being around."

Lily turned back to her father, patting down all the things in her trunk and shutting it with a loud click, satisfied it shut okay. Her ponytail brushed against the base of her neck as she turned, and she crossed her arms, running her hands up and down her shoulders.

"It's been a good three weeks," she said, smiling genuinely, looking at him with shining eyes.

And it had. She'd come home from school to a better environment than there had been for Christmas. Her mother hadn't been so coddling, and since she herself had been healed considerably, it had been easier to slip easily back into familiar ways. She'd reconnected with family members she hadn't seen, and even spent a little time politely listening to Petunia brag about Vernon's _wonderful_ job and their _wonderful_ house and how _wonderfully_ wonderful their marriage was.

She did have her own bit of fun there by informing Vernon of exactly what she was and promptly proving it to him by turning his favorite pair of shoes into very large frogs.

James had even hung around a bit. A lot, actually. Her mother, of course, had always been warm towards him, but Edward had turned a critical eye on him at once when he realized there was more going on than what either his daughter or James let on to. Edward Evans insisted on introducing James to the record player and his favorite bands when he realized the wizard boy didn't actually know what any of it was.

Lily hesitated with her next words as she looked at her father, knowing they'd already had this conversation, and it had indeed been hard.

"You know I couldn't stay forever," she said, winking at him. "This isn't my place anymore," she added, shrugging rather apologetically, "I'm part of a different world."

Edward rolled his eyes patronizingly and smirked.

"I came up here to tell you James arrived ten minutes ago. But I let your mum make him tea and made him listen to _The Who_ before I let you in on it."

Lily gave him a pained look and shook her head, resisting the urge to stick her tongue out at her impossible father.

"I know you like him, Daddy," Lily sighed, reaching for her wand on the bedside table and twirling it lazily in her fingers, "so why do you continue to insist on acting like he's the worst possible thing that could happen to me?" she raised an eyebrow.

Edward shrugged.

"It's _fun_," he answered childishly. And then, he added darkly, "at least you can pick them better than your sister."

Lily laughed and nodded, whistling through her teeth.

"How are you going to fit all that junk on the broomstick?" Edward asked, jerking his head at the things on Lily's bed. She stopped twirling the wand and looked at him quizzically, her eyebrow going up slightly more.

"What?" Edward asked defensively, "Isn't he going to fly you away on a broomstick? Or something?"

Lily groaned and reached quickly for a pillow, chucking it at her father. He blocked it, laughing gruffly. Lily held up her hand grandly and turned to her bed like a magician. Her tongue between her teeth dramatically, she pointed her wand at the bed and flicked it. Immediately, the luggage shrank down to pocket sizes, jumbled in a little pile in the middle of the bed. Lily swept them up and lightly dropped them into her jeans pocket, planting her wand in there with them, and bowing to her father.

He rewarded he with a few claps and another throaty laugh. He held out his arm and beckoned her forward.

"Come on, Red," he said, employing her old nickname. He slipped his arm around her shoulders and led her down the hallway.

Lily took what would probably be her last glances at the photos of her family, of her life, documented on the hallway walls, and subsequently the staircase. Birthdays, Christmases, Vacations—they were all there; and most before she'd ever heard of Hogwarts or Witchcraft or James Potter.

It felt strange to be leaving her childhood home. To be going to live somewhere else, virtually on her own, for good. Not…depressing or sad like she'd imagined, just strange. Maybe a little exhilarating and, deep down, relieving, though she'd never admit it.

"Lily," Edward said suddenly, stopping her on the stairs. He glanced downwards, making sure his wife was still in the kitchen, and turned to Lily, his face solemn, eyes a little sad.

"I want you to know how _proud_ I am of you, baby." He said slowly. Lily pressed her lips together. "Of everything you've done; how you've always taken care of yourself. You've grown up too fast, I think, but you sure as hell did a good job of it. I don't know what kind of danger your facing out there—but I know more than you think, just from speaking with Nick. You've shown strength I didn't know you had, and you held us together in a way, through everything you had to deal with."

Lily swallowed hard and tried to roll her eyes at his sappy speech, her lips quivering.

"That's brilliant, Dad, make me cry," she whispered, a watery laugh escaping. He smiled and cast his eyes down, looking back up and studying her carefully.

"Take care of yourself, Lily," he said seriously, leaning forward and kissing her forehead. He smiled, squeezed her shoulder, and made his way down the stairs, before her. As she composed herself and started to follow him, she heard his goofy booming voice saying something that was no doubt asinine to James.

She leapt off the stairs at the last, skipping the final one, and moved lightly into the sitting room, where her mum was perched on the sofa and James sat lounging in her father's favorite armchair, examining Lily's favorite record. He looked up at her entrance and pointed at it with raised eyebrows.

"So you were telling the truth. They really are a band," he announced, exposing the _Abbey Road_ _Beatles_' record to her. He stood up and set the record gently on top of the pile next to the player, balancing it with all the others.

Lisabeth rubbed her palms together and stood up, clasping them tightly, her eyes teary.

"You're _really_ leaving," she said with a sigh, shaking her head. Lily didn't respond except for a smile. She reached out her hands and took her mothers, kissing her cheek and hugging her before pulling back.

Lily tilted her head at her mother and smiled, knowing just how much she was going to miss her parents, and realizing how grateful she was to each of them, completely. James shoved his hands into his pockets and grinned at her, shifting his weight.

"You write me, Lily Evans, you hear?" Lisabeth said sternly, shaking her finger.

"Don't cry, Mum," Lily replied, shaking her head with a fond smile.

"I'm going to _miss_ you," Lisabeth replied, squeezing Lily's hands before she let them go.

Lily looked over her mum's shoulder to where her father had reclaimed his armchair. Edward winked at her and rolled one eye at his wife's back, as if he hadn't just displayed the same sort of emotion on the staircase.

"Goodbye, Mum," Lily said gently, nodding. "Daddy," she said, nodding to him. He winked.

James turned and extended his hand to Edward, and Lily's father gripped it warmly, nodding his head in appreciation.

"Mrs. Evans," James said nicely. Lisabeth put her arm around him, though he was nearly a foot taller than her, and gave him a half-hug, still obviously holding back tears.

"Lisabeth," she informed him as she stepped back, letting her hand fall to Edward's shoulder. He reached up and squeezed his wife's fingers comfortingly. Lily gave them one last long look and smile before she gestured for James to go past her.

"James, my boy," Edward called shortly. James turned around, as if he knew he wouldn't get fare without a final word from Lily's dear old dad. "You remember what we talked about," was all Edward said cryptically. James smirked and sort of saluted the older man, reaching his hand out for Lily.

She gave her dad a suspicious look and a smile before she took his hand and followed him out, dropping it at her side and letting their fingers simply brushed as they weaved out through the hall to the front entrance of her house.

Once she had shut the door of her childhood home gently behind her and stepped out with James onto the grassy down of the front lawn, she turned to him, her eyes narrowing to avoid the soft sunlight.

"What did you and my father talk about?" she asked teasingly.

"My rules," James answered promptly. Lily raised a questioning eyebrow, indicating he should further elaborate. With a dramatic sigh, he held up fingers as he began to recite:

"Rule number three: I can't be closer than ten feet to your bedroom door after seven o'clock. Rule number five: I'm not allowed to sit in dark places with you. Rule number twelve: I'm not allowed to say and or do anything romantic to make myself attractive to you—"

Lily covered his mouth with her hand, laughing, rolling her eyes. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"I should have known he didn't take _this_ idea as well as I thought," she said, her green eyes twinkling. James shrugged.

"I don't think he realized that my Mother is going to put you on a completely different floor than me. Nor did he anticipate my father's sixth sense to know _exactly_ when I plan on doing something devious." He answered slyly.

Lily smiled, rested her hand against his shoulder.

She had, when Rosalie potter had extended the invitation herself, taken James up on his offer of a place to stay. Though she did enjoy the novelty of being home and she had decided she wanted a place that was sort of her own, she'd found it harder than she'd thought to live in the muggle world, and compromised. She would be staying with the Potters temporarily while she and Alice searched for a flat together. Alice, even though she had a comfortable home in her own world, had opted for a bit of independence, and Lily had thought it fit that they rent together in light of their positions in the Order.

Lily blinked up at the sun and looked back at James, tilting her head. He put his arm around her shoulders and turned, one hand in his pocket as they made their way to the sidewalk that ran along Lily's entire neighborhood.

"The meeting?" Lily asked, glancing around at the familiar sights she was leaving. James shrugged without worry, rubbing her shoulder, pulling her closer to his side.

"We've got time," he said.

Lily reached for the thin chain on her neck that she'd slipped her phoenix pendent onto, and lifted the small bird out of the neck of her shirt, running the pads of her finger over the cool metal.

Their first meeting as members of the Order of the Phoenix was tonight.

Her knuckles brushed against the quartz heart that still rested at the base of her throat, the Christmas gift from James.

Two emblems of who she was, two items of comfort and hope for her.

Lily looked around at the neighborhood again, the immaculate houses, the way everything looked peaceful and calm and so sweet.

"It feels like we've got all the time in the world," she said, a tinge of sadness in her voice, because she couldn't forget the darkness they inevitably had to face.

"Technically, we've got until five."

Lily laughed, leaning her head back and resting it against James's shoulder as they took a slow, scenic walk, momentarily neglecting to apparate away. Enjoying the day instead.

In this moment, standing on the safe streets of her childhood, wrapped in the security she'd always had here, and talking with James, the rock who had been there when she wasn't safe to show her there was still a haven, and there were still beautiful things everywhere...just in _this_ moment…it felt like paradise.

_Fin_

* * *

Safe by **Blue October**

**REview, oh please do!**

_~Alexa_


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